"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"

[bright_arrow]

I remember my cousin having an adult-only wedding, and being 16, I was mighty offended! But, eh, whatever.

We did go adult-only reception due to limit of people and costs, mostly. Open bar, and 4 hour reception, and all my family staying in the hotel with us were other reasons.

I admit, I was a bit pissed when people RSVP'd 4 people [with their kids].. but I figured someone was bound to do it.. And when I had 23 people not show [and not return my calls/texts] and lost the $40 p.p. on people who DID RSVP and didn't show.. Hell.

Not sure what was more awkward, telling people it was adults-only or figuring out a polite way to ask for cash gifts [as we already owned a house and all the crap we needed to go with it!]

[aishah]

my tolerance for "child-free" spaces is very limited (and for the record, i don't have or want kids). i do not believe people are entitled to child-free spaces and i see it as a part of a larger social problem the way children are treated in our society. that said, i get that people have an attitude of "it's my personal private party and i should get to exclude whomever i want." so, whatever. i would not attend a child-free wedding on principle, just like i wouldn't attend a gay-free wedding or a black-free wedding or an elder-free wedding or any other wedding that excluded an entire group of people. i do think that offering childcare or child-friendly activities at the wedding could be a nice compromise.

[Apocalipstic]

I work a lot of weddings and a lot of it is cost related. People spend so much money and they might want an elegant adult evening on rented chairs, rented tables, linen they will have to replace of it is damaged. I've seen so many weddings where no one is minding the kids and they run around tying chairs to tables with napkins, filling salt shakers with ketchup, locking all the bathrooms from inside. I've even seen centerpieces caught on fire by budding pyros.

On the other hand, weddings be a wonderful family event with good planning.

Its about how the people getting married want to enjoy their special day. Its not about what is convenient for the guests and about who might be offended

[jac]

Having three kids, grandkids, and soon to have a step-daughter I see no reason not to have a family-friendly wedding. However, I also get the point of an adult only wedding too. I think they do have the right to have it either way. If we were invited to an adult only wedding I'm certain unless it was agreed upon that we get a babysitter, that we wouldn't be going. But really, I don't see why we wouldn't... we don't get too many adult only invites anyway so it would be a treat to whoop it up and not have to be concerned with caring for a child. It's really no different than going to a club for the night and partying.

[easygoingfemme]

An adult only wedding might have made my life difficult when my daughter was younger, but that's not the fault or problem of the folks throwing the wedding. I'd see no reason to take offense.

My brother, who generally lacks tact and all social graces, had an adult only wedding, but somewhere someone gave him and his wife the idea to hire a sitter to have at the hotel next door, and they did that. There were a number of travelers and that made it possible for them to come and not have to make multi-day care arrangements for their kids. The uncomfortable part came when they asked my daughter to be part of the wedding and stay for the reception, so there I was with my kid, and others couldn't have their kids with them, and she was the only kid. A little awkward but it wasn't the end of the world.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Well, pretty much, Jac. pubs and clubs are not child friendly and no one expects them to be. I had DJ's from amsterdam, manchester and london... so.. the tone was not for kids...

[Apocalipstic]

I have a hard time with the notion that weddings are for and about the guests.

[Apocalipstic]

Ok, so this one time....at band camp...

Just kidding!

I worked a wedding last night, with kids who were seem behaved. It was very elegant, until a diaper was changed at...yes, at...a table.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have a hard time with the notion that weddings are for and about the guests.

Yes and no. It is the couple's day, and they are spending a heck of a lot on it. But guests are often traveling and spending a fair amount of time and money on the event. For some folks, it's a money they might not be able to easily afford. But they do because they care. When I worked at a library (low pay), a couple of closely spaced weddings could decimate my vacation time and discretionary income. Yet I knew I'd regret it if I didn't attend.

So while it certainly is not ABOUT the guests, couples who make it unnecessarily hard on guests are not being kind.

My cousin's son arranged to pick up relatives at the airport, paid for hotel rooms for those who could not afford them, and so on. I think that if you want loved ones at your wedding, you DO think about how not to make it a hardship on them.

As much as I love friends and relatives, there does come a point at which I will say no. A friend who required guests to fly into a remote area of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and then do primitive camping for two days got a no. I love him, and the wedding pictures were beautiful. But -- for me -- that was too much. I think they had a great time, but I never regretted it. (You could see guests swatting mosquitos in some of the pics.)

[Queenie]

Ah yes the adult only wedding!

My sister and I had to be around 7 and 9 when an older cousin of ours got married.
The both of us could go to the long and very boring Catholic church part of the wedding, but not the reception. It sucked knowing this. And it also sucked knowing that we'd have to spend the rest of the day with our 85 year old grant Aunt, learning how to play solitaire and watching a repeat of The love boat.

I can see the point of not having kids at your wedding. And then I can't.

[Nat]

I think people are totally within their rights to have whatever wedding suits the couple in question. And overtaxed moms the world over have a right to feel a bit butt-hurt to get an invitation in the mail from people who ostensibly know they won't be able to attend if the child can't come.

I have a vague recollection that childcare was offered at my long-ago wedding. It was at a church, and there was the option of paying for one of the church daycare workers to come in and baby-sit for a few hours. That might be an option to consider if a close friend or relative is stuck with sole responsibility for a kid and without the means to get a babysitter.

Anyway, I think both parties have a right to their feelings, but the main thing that could soothe ruffled feathers is an actual real conversation. And if neither party feels like talking, then maybe this is not a guest the happy couple actually wants at their wedding. Because people can and do move mountains to accommodate each other if it's worth it to them.

I like kids at weddings. But that's me.

[Martina]

In my personal experience and the experience of friends, it's not usually the guest who feels butt hurt. They may feel guilty. They may regret not being able to go. Usually, in fact, it's the happy couple . . . or one of them . . . who gets be upset when someone important to them cannot attend.

I have seen a lot of that. The wedding plans make it damned difficult for some people to attend -- those with kids, older or disabled people (my friends who had the wedding in the woods), or people with limited incomes (happens a lot).

Then when someone expresses their regrets, there is drama.

My opinion is that if you TRULY want people to attend your wedding, don't make it so damned hard. People do that alot. Have the wedding of your dreams, but if being there involves hardship for some of your guests, at least be understanding when they can't make it.

My cousin's son just got married, and they were incredibly gracious and helpful and had a lovely wedding. It can be done.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'll put my hand up and say I don't understand those feelings at all. people being super sad someone can't come - totally get. I felt a lot of that. pissed off and hurt? um... no? why? I truly don't understand why anyone would be angry/hurt that a guest could not come because of cost or lack of childcare. I honestly can't wrap my head around that.

My guess is that would happened mostly with people who have money to throw at weddings and thus not understand what it's like to be dirt poor and thus don't understand why they can't pay so it must be personal?

that's all I can grasp.

[Apocalipstic]

On the other hand, weddings can be expensive as hell and some couples plan what makes them happy for their special day. They invite friends and family knowing full well that not everyone will be able to attend, but wanting everyone to know they are welcome of they can make it.

I don't think it's the responsibility of the couple to plan a different day based on the finances of guests. Nothing wrong with a polite rsvp no, if they can't afford to go. I myself often can't afford things and I say no. It's not personal.