Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[Ilphithra]

Hello to all,

As someone suffering from Gender Dysphoria and having opted for not having sex reassignment surgery, I've decided to share with you the reasons why I don't do it.

I have researched extensively and pondered all the pros and cons that might come with it and I have made a lot of introspection in order to take a decision. After a long time, I decided it was better to keep the body I have and take good care of it.

I'm also divided about packing and other such methods.

Don't get me wrong... I hate my body and I'm thoroughly ashamed of it to the point I refuse to have sex with my SO with the lights on.

As much as I would love to change my body, I'm someone who looks at things objectively instead of jumping the gun and doing some kind of madness such as trying to mutilate myself.

My reasons for not "changing" are several as I said. I'll try to explain this as good as I can.

Pros - Match my mental and soul image.

Cons - Where to start?

Testosterone treatment: so much can go so wrong with the body that it's not even funny. Even with naturally high T, my doctor told me it would be best not to do it due to the cyclic cysts I have. It could increase them or worse. I decided not to do it.

Sex reassignment surgery: I have done extensive research in this and the results of FtM surgery are simply not satisfying to me.

Between the massive scarring, the chance of tissue rejection, the chance of necrosis, lack of any feeling, loss of ability to feel pleasure, etc... the risks and cons in this are so many that I simply threw it out of the window.

Come back to me when it's possible to use my stem cells and DNA scaffolding to grow a penis in lab and attach it safely to me. Maybe not in my lifetime but perhaps in the future this will be possible.

Binding my chest: As much as I would love a flat chest, I'm not about to turn my boobs into smashed pancakes. Let them be there and as perky as they want. The only way they go is if I get cancer risk.

Packing: This one brings so many mixed feelings to me it's not even funny.

Packing would enable me to get a penis, scrotum and balls... especially if I save up and get one of the pack&play from Lola Jake's. I would look down and see something somewhat realistic hanging in there, especially if glued (no harness).

However, at the end of the day, it's not really "mine". It's something, glued to me that gives me some feeling by stimulating my clitoris and pleasure to my SO by penetration... but it still comes off my body as it is not mine.

This "it's not mine" thought is what drives me absolutely nuts...

I'm absolutely sure I don't want to go under the knife due to the procedure having more cons than pros. I take my hat off to those who, even with the odds being nasty, still go through the FtM surgery and risk all the ailments that can come from T injections.

Perhaps I will pack in the future but I won't be binding. As much as I hate my body, it's the only body I have and I have to take good care of it, not mutilate it or hurt it.

It's as much my body's fault that it is female as it is my fault that I was born this way. I don't want to be hurt for being who I am, why would I hurt my own body for being what it is?

Yes, my body fitting the mental image I have of it would be nice... but I simply see no reasonable or safe way to do so. As such, I will take good care of what I have and live my life to the best of my abilities.

And maybe.. who knows... maybe I poke Lola Jake in the future... I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"...

[MsTinkerbelly]

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

Well... while I understand why some of us hate their bodies to the point of trying to literally chop off their genitals for example, it doesn't mean it's something sane or normal to do.
It's something that happens out of absolute depression, unhappiness, frustration and desperation.

I won't say the thought never crossed my mind but I never went through with it or even got as far as grabbing a knife...

I'm sorry if my bluntness offends you but it's how I see and talk about things. I shall go back to lurking the forum as I have done until now so that I don't offend people due to being frontal and blunt about things. I don't have a habit of mincing or fluffing words.

Thanks for the "warm welcoming".

[Apocalipstic]

Well, we are definitely a mincing group. I like to think of it as being kind and polite.

Welcome, by the way!

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Well, we are definitely a mincing group. I like to think of it as being kind and polite.

Welcome, by the way!

Thanks...

... and sorry... but I'm the blunt type. I prefer to go back to lurking than facing diatribe for being myself.

Best wishes to all.

[Apocalipstic]

You know, if you really do care about being here, it becomes important to care about how our words affect other people. Yes, its great to be blunt, but it seems silly to put that out there then imply you can't post any more because you got a couple of mildly disapproving answers.

Seems mixed messagy.

Like come on hard, then get feelings hurt easy.

If you do care about being here, hang in and be you. But you can't expect everyone to agree with you.

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

You know, if you really do care about being here, it becomes important to care about how our words affect other people. Yes, its great to be blunt, but it seems silly to put that out there then imply you can't post any more because you got a couple of mildly disapproving answers.

Seems mixed messagy.

Like come on hard, then get feelings hurt easy.

If you do care about being here, hang in and be you. But you can't expect everyone to agree with you.

I shall reply to you in a PM as not to derail the thread.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

Well... while I understand why some of us hate their bodies to the point of trying to literally chop off their genitals for example, it doesn't mean it's something sane or normal to do.
It's something that happens out of absolute depression, unhappiness, frustration and desperation.

I won't say the thought never crossed my mind but I never went through with it or even got as far as grabbing a knife...

I'm sorry if my bluntness offends you but it's how I see and talk about things. I shall go back to lurking the forum as I have done until now so that I don't offend people due to being frontal and blunt about things. I don't have a habit of mincing or fluffing words.

Thanks for the "warm welcoming".

Oh i was much kinder than i could have been...there is blunt, and there is offensive, and although i don't speak for anyone but myself, i found the way you frazed things to be purposely offensive to many people here...and as it was your first post EVER, i felt the need to stick my nose in it.

To "me" it felt as though you came in here to stir things up a bit, and oh look, you've suceeded.

Sorry admins I'll back out, was trying to be nice.

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Oh i was much kinder than i could have been...there is blunt, and there is offensive, and although i don't speak for anyone but myself, i found the way you frazed things to be purposely offensive to many people here...and as it was your first post EVER, i felt the need to stick my nose in it.

To "me" it felt as though you came in here to stir things up a bit, and oh look, you've suceeded.

Sorry admins I'll back out, was trying to be nice.

You can feel offended all you want for all I care. You're the one being offended by the way I talk, I don't have to change how I talk to please you or anyone else.

I'm not PC and I don't bow down to peer pressures or mob mentalities. I'm me and whoever doesn't like it, feel free to stay away from me.

And believe me, I already tone down on forums. In real life, if someone appears to me looking like a clown, they'll get a "you look like a clown" on the face.

I was sharing my personal views, my personal experiences and being myself. You don't like it? Good for you, deal with it.

I wasn't out to offend anyone... if being myself offends people, well... that's their problem, not mine.

Just know that if you don't accept people as they are, you are just as bad as the bigots we're fighting.



I want to thank the person who directed me to this forum, you know who you are. Unfortunately, I don't change to fit what others want and I'm not PC and things won't work out in here. I will leave for the sake of not generating conflict among the forum users.

I'll leave by myself.

Best wishes to all.

[Medusa]

Ilphithra-

Let's make this easy on you since clearly it is a huge burden on someone with such a huge brain capacity to maintain an ounce of respect for people you don't even know.

I'm not impressed. Not impressed by your lamentations of self and not impressed by your inability to keep your cat turds out of the sand box. You think everyone here is stupid and that this community is a waste of time? Good, because it makes it easier to show your arrogant ass the door.

Good day!
Medusa
(idiot Admin of community of stupid people who just. dont. get. it.)

[Nadeest]

You didn't offend me. I simply considered it as your way of speaking.

[weatherboi]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"...

Glad you are here!!!

Hermaphrodite is a really antiquated term. Intersex is not a look and although I appreciate someone trying to infuse humor in an obviously stressful situation, I am certain Intersex is not a look but a gender that is akin to many of the things a transgender person goes thru. So please lets not poke humor at the expense of another gender that is struggling.

I totally get where you can feel this way about all the cons that you listed. It can be overwhelming to live a life in a body that doesn't match the mind and sometimes we find ourselves thinking and doing things to our bodies that can be construed as unsafe and not helpful in the long battle. I have run across many transgender persons that go thru periods of physical self hurt/mutilation. Is this what you are meaning???

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

Glad you are here!!!

Hermaphrodite is a really antiquated term. Intersex is not a look and although I appreciate someone trying to infuse humor in an obviously stressful situation, I am certain Intersex is not a look but a gender that is akin to many of the things a transgender person goes thru. So please lets not poke humor at the expense of another gender that is struggling.

Hmm... I placed the word between quotes as I know it's not a "look". As for humor... it wasn't really humor... I'm really not adverse to the idea of having boobs + penis. Maybe the smiley makes it look like that but I honestly had no patience to go through the massive list of smileys to find a more toned down wink... :/

Originally Posted by weatherboi

I totally get where you can feel this way about all the cons that you listed. It can be overwhelming to live a life in a body that doesn't match the mind and sometimes we find ourselves thinking and doing things to our bodies that can be construed as unsafe and not helpful in the long battle. I have run across many transgender persons that go thru periods of physical self hurt/mutilation. Is this what you are meaning???

Yes... the "madness" I speak about is when we fall to the deepest pits of horror in our minds and think of nothing but cutting off pieces of ourselves with a random kitchen knife (and sometimes end up trying/succeeding in doing it).

For this is nothing but a bout of madness overcoming us when we're overrun with the deepest loathe we can have for our own bodies.
I've been there... but I didn't get to the point of actually doing anything. I kept forcing myself to think this is the only body I have... I must keep it healthy instead of hurting it.

My way of thinking may be strange to some... but I primarily deal with things in terms of logic. Feelings are secondary to me and they play an extremely limited part in my life. That means that even if I hate my body, I stop myself from hurting it as it would be detrimental to me.








For those knowledgeable of MBTI... I'm an INTJ...

For those not knowledgeable: INTJ prioritizes logic and forgoes feelings and emotions in everything (with a few exceptions). INTJ are often hated due to how cold and uncaring they can come across to people.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

Hello to all,

As much as I would love to change my body, I'm someone who looks at things objectively instead of jumping the gun and doing some kind of madness such as trying to mutilate myself.

Yes, my body fitting the mental image I have of it would be nice... but I simply see no reasonable or safe way to do so. As such, I will take good care of what I have and live my life to the best of my abilities.
:

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I realize that you have been timed out.
However, just in case you are still out there, I am going to put a short simple note out.

I considered my choice to have surgery very objectively, logically and reasonably. I went from the age of 16 to 33 thinking it over. So, I don't consider having surgery at 33 on," jumping the gun." Have to laugh at that one.

In addition, i find it very Interesting and almost confusing that you view a personal body transformation as, "you trying to mutilate yourself" your madness.
I do understand being desperate for change and I do understand the idea
of going to extremes to make that change. Self mutilation is not a laughing matter.
Today there are healthy options. I pray that they become more accessible to those in need. For those of us that view transition as a positive evolution which brings one closer to "self ";how they define and see themselves to be.

I, for one, can say from my self transformation, or even using your words...
My self mutilation. I am beautiful for having done so, and so are all trans people.

Regards,
DMW

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I think it's way past time to dust off this thread and give it a bump. I know when I first joined this thread helped me a lot. Back when I wasn't sure if I could medically transition and even when I wasn't sure I wanted to if I could afford it. It is helpful to know there is a place to go where you can vent, ask questions, get support and connect with other Bravehearts. So I am bumping this for the new guy and for the old timers that may have forgotten the thread is even though I no longer fit the description I still love this thread! I have been on T a year now and due to finances that may be as far as I will be able to go in my medical transition although I do want top surgery.