"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"

MsTinkerbelly · 09-04-2013, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

Martina · 09-04-2013, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I also know people who don't travel without their kids, and a lot of weddings require travel. Many people do not leave their young children for two days at a time. Friends of mine have a child with severe allergies, allergies that can be fatal. They prefer to supervise what their child eats. Leaving him with others requires a lot of training and a lot of faith. In my opinion a wedding may not be worth the worry.

Martina · 09-04-2013, 10:18 PM

Maybe I live a boring middle class life, but most people I know with kids do NOT live near their parents, so they are raising their kids more or less on their own. Not ideal, but common.

Nor do they necessarily live near siblings, cousins and dear friends. Many -- no, most -- have moved for jobs or spouse's jobs. So weddings almost always mean travel. My friends, whom I met in real time, when we all lived in the same town(s), now live all over the United States. The closest relative I have is seven hours away.

For many many people, serious back-up child-care -- the kind you trust your kids with overnight or for a couple of days -- is not down the street with an extended family member.

Leaving your young children overnight or for two nights with someone you are paying. . . . really iffy. And leaving your kids with friends for that length of time is a big BIG favor.

Traveling with kids is difficult. Traveling without them is often almost impossible.

Ginger · 09-05-2013, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I wasn't saying they could save for a sitter and were choosing not to.

Or maybe that's not what you were saying I was saying (confusing, sorry).

Anyway, perhaps unnecessarily, I'll clarify and say, I was just saying, I feel bad for anyone in that situation who is isolated or without options.

I lived with someone with a kid for 2.3 years. We were very isolated, with no childcare options, and never did anything together, just us, for us. A wedding that excluded kids, we would have declined. It's a moot point now, but I'll always have more empathy for people in that situation because of it.

That said, I think people have a right to make their wedding be any kind of event they want, with kids, without, whatever. I would never resent that.

Ravenouss · 09-05-2013, 07:57 PM

I have never been to an “adult only” wedding. In fact, I had never even heard of it. Perhaps it is cultural. Where I come from, weddings are an all-inclusive family affair and everyone is expected to show up: grandparents, children, aunties, etc. Even neighbors!

In this country, however, I’ve grown accustomed to different weddings with invitations and RSVPs. Understandable: it is expensive to get married in the U.S. with all the expectations around it from the marrying parties to the attending guests. It is common to spend 20K, 40, 100k or more!

One’s wedding – even if one is swimming in cash -- is their own , and one has the right to invite whoever they want. I might be very sheltered, however, to think that I know no one who would exclude my children!

If I ever received an adult-only invitation, I would understand it. I would send a gift, offer my sincere best wishes for a life of happiness and politely decline to attend.

Martina · 09-05-2013, 08:23 PM

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not wanting to travel when I did not have vacation time. So for one wedding, I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.) The next month was a joy -- financially.

People in the U.S. DO often expect a lot. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissist?

*Anya* · 09-05-2013, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martina

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not traveling when I did not have vacation time -- and would have had my pay docked. So I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.)

People in the U.S. DO often expect that. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissists?

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

People have a right to have the wedding of their choice without judgments on wether or not they have a personality disorder or that something is wrong with them.

I feel this way even having raised two kids and having spent a good portion of their childhood with next to no money.

We all have the choice to attend any wedding without getting ourselves all upset if they don't want our little darlings present.

My 5 grandchildren are lovely and well-behaved. I am proud to take them anywhere but again, feel people have the right to the wedding of their dreams just as I have the right to attend or not.

Peach · 09-05-2013, 09:27 PM

I am not fond of children. I don't really enjoy spending time with them. When we were married, nobody in my family had young kids, the youngest were teenagers that were so excited about the wedding, I had them do the guestbook table, and greet guests as they arrived, and were thrilled to be a part of it. Not many of our friends had young kids, so it wasnt an issue.
Now though, my niece has two kids and her sister is expecting her first, my cousin has to two young kids, one of which is super hyper and needs to be the center of attention. If the wedding were now, I would have made it an adult only reception.
I see nothing wrong with adult only events.
I have edited this so many times as I found myself going on rants about kids, and really just dont want to offend or hurt the feelings of those with kids, so I think I will end it now LOL

Ts_kaijira · 09-05-2013, 09:43 PM

When there is family involved, and family who feel that their needs trump all, there is no resolving the fact that feelings will be hurt. Having almost lost communication with a family member over something similar, I have to say that you should hold firm to your convictions, find a way to communicate with little emotion, and just ride it out.

I paid a price for almost 10 years, but now all is well. Family is around for a
l o n g time. My next wedding will be children free.

Martina · 09-05-2013, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

I didn't say that. What I object to -- and was criticizing as selfish -- is making attending a wedding a hardship while expecting, even demanding, that people you supposedly care about endure that hardship. I don't get that. It's not joyful or celebratory. Even though people I love have done it, the choice to do that is not something that I respect.

Ravenouss · 09-06-2013, 08:53 AM

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.

Sweet Bliss · 09-14-2013, 07:11 PM

I have never been to a wedding that was that fancy. I have only attended backyard weddings with friends and family. Not being a partier you could find me with infants and toddlers helping new moms.

I loved rocking them to sleep or reading stories. Always been good at calming fussy babes.

An invitation is just that. Not an edict. I would hope that not accepting would not be taken as a personal affront.

09-05-2013, 07:57 PM	#5
Ravenouss Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: There might be many princesses in a kingdom, but only one Queen! Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Washington, D.C. Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 121 Thanked 129 Times in 40 Posts Rep Power: 1644236	I have never been to an “adult only” wedding. In fact, I had never even heard of it. Perhaps it is cultural. Where I come from, weddings are an all-inclusive family affair and everyone is expected to show up: grandparents, children, aunties, etc. Even neighbors! In this country, however, I’ve grown accustomed to different weddings with invitations and RSVPs. Understandable: it is expensive to get married in the U.S. with all the expectations around it from the marrying parties to the attending guests. It is common to spend 20K, 40, 100k or more! One’s wedding – even if one is swimming in cash -- is their own , and one has the right to invite whoever they want. I might be very sheltered, however, to think that I know no one who would exclude my children! If I ever received an adult-only invitation, I would understand it. I would send a gift, offer my sincere best wishes for a life of happiness and politely decline to attend. __________________ A chacun sa chimere... Baudelaire

09-05-2013, 09:43 PM	#9
Ts_kaijira Member How Do You Identify?: Tommi's Kaijira Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: tied up Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: earth Posts: 161 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 538 Thanked 703 Times in 148 Posts Rep Power: 18509884	Not resolvable When there is family involved, and family who feel that their needs trump all, there is no resolving the fact that feelings will be hurt. Having almost lost communication with a family member over something similar, I have to say that you should hold firm to your convictions, find a way to communicate with little emotion, and just ride it out. I paid a price for almost 10 years, but now all is well. Family is around for a l o n g time. My next wedding will be children free. __________________ A wild longing for strong emotions and sensations seethes in me, a rage against this toneless, flat, normal and sterile life. H Hesse, Steppenwolf

09-06-2013, 08:53 AM	#11
Ravenouss Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: There might be many princesses in a kingdom, but only one Queen! Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Washington, D.C. Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 121 Thanked 129 Times in 40 Posts Rep Power: 1644236	I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events. "I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess) However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want. And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home. __________________ A chacun sa chimere... Baudelaire Last edited by Ravenouss; 09-06-2013 at 08:55 AM. Reason: adding text

09-04-2013, 10:18 PM	#3
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Maybe I live a boring middle class life, but most people I know with kids do NOT live near their parents, so they are raising their kids more or less on their own. Not ideal, but common. Nor do they necessarily live near siblings, cousins and dear friends. Many -- no, most -- have moved for jobs or spouse's jobs. So weddings almost always mean travel. My friends, whom I met in real time, when we all lived in the same town(s), now live all over the United States. The closest relative I have is seven hours away. For many many people, serious back-up child-care -- the kind you trust your kids with overnight or for a couple of days -- is not down the street with an extended family member. Leaving your young children overnight or for two nights with someone you are paying. . . . really iffy. And leaving your kids with friends for that length of time is a big BIG favor. Traveling with kids is difficult. Traveling without them is often almost impossible.

09-05-2013, 08:23 PM	#6
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not wanting to travel when I did not have vacation time. So for one wedding, I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.) The next month was a joy -- financially. People in the U.S. DO often expect a lot. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids. That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissist?

09-05-2013, 09:27 PM	#8
Peach Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: happily married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where my hat is Posts: 173 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 69 Thanked 640 Times in 129 Posts Rep Power: 5775547	I am not fond of children. I don't really enjoy spending time with them. When we were married, nobody in my family had young kids, the youngest were teenagers that were so excited about the wedding, I had them do the guestbook table, and greet guests as they arrived, and were thrilled to be a part of it. Not many of our friends had young kids, so it wasnt an issue. Now though, my niece has two kids and her sister is expecting her first, my cousin has to two young kids, one of which is super hyper and needs to be the center of attention. If the wedding were now, I would have made it an adult only reception. I see nothing wrong with adult only events. I have edited this so many times as I found myself going on rants about kids, and really just dont want to offend or hurt the feelings of those with kids, so I think I will end it now LOL

09-14-2013, 07:11 PM	#12
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I have never been to a wedding that was that fancy. I have only attended backyard weddings with friends and family. Not being a partier you could find me with infants and toddlers helping new moms. I loved rocking them to sleep or reading stories. Always been good at calming fussy babes. An invitation is just that. Not an edict. I would hope that not accepting would not be taken as a personal affront.