Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[wahya]

I never used to think so. But yeah depends on a lot of things..But I do agree it can happen. My ex and I have a very special common factor. ( Our love for our kids and and grandkids ) So it makes it easier to make sure we all get along. Took some time but I believe we are getting there.

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

I agree with those who said "It depends."

If there is still pain over an ex... even if it ended with honesty... I don't think friendship is wise.

If there was cheating or dishonesty... I actually think forgiveness can happen and with forgiveness can come friendship. I forgave my ex who lied and cheated because they made an amends that was genuine. I know it is wise to forgive regardless, but the amends makes it easier to move to friendship. I am not ready for a friendship with this person because the situation still causes me pain. But one day... when there is no pain... we may be able to be friends. Only time will tell.

I think the hardest for me has been to remain friends when someone leaves your life without a goodbye. Even if you hurt or upset them... going without a goodbye just seems so mean. But again, if they no longer cause pain... then friendship is possible even in this situation. Although, it would be hard for me to trust that they wouldn't just decide to leave again with no notice... and I guess that is a form of pain... so this one might not work for me.

So nothing new here... it depends.

[cuddlyfemme]

I'm another one who says it depends.
I think it depends how things ended mainly and what happened that ended the relationship. I have several ex's that I'm not friends with but I have several that have turned into wonderful friends

[GeeGina]

I can't say being friends with an ex has ever worked for me (and by ex I mean someone I was in an actual relationship with). I prefer the clean break, myself.

Of course, that's easy for me to say. The closest I came to a custody battle or division of assets was over a comfy college sweatshirt. Had there been children or a longer, shared history together...I'd probably think differently.

Lately, I've been dating mostly older women and they have a much healthier, more centered idea of parting. Grateful for the time we shared together and with good wishes and thoughts for the road ahead (and I was the one who was being "dismissed").

I could see myself possibly connecting with a few, maybe even meeting for a friendly glass of wine or coffee. But - I'd certainly buy myself a new dress and some good lipstick first.

[macele]

every time i see this thread i think of the old msn chats (gone but not forgotten). the bot would randomly appear in the room and ask the question, ... can you be friends with your ex? i wish that i could remember her name LOL. the bots name, of course. not the ex.

[nina03]

I'm friends with almost everyone I've been seriously involved with, and most of the ones I've been casually involved with, too. The only exceptions either cheated, lied, or were abusive. There are a couple of people that I don't see or speak to, just because we've fallen out of touch, but if we lived in the same area, we'd be friendly. I guess I feel like if I liked you well enough as a person to date you or sleep with you, then I like you well enough as a person to be friends when the sex/romance part of things ends. That all said, it sure makes Thanksgiving dinner interesting sometimes, with all those exes around my table. They all know me well, and I don't get away with much of anything.

[peachy]

Only my ex husband, and only because of our little girl I put the effort in to reshape our relationship because as far as I'm concerned - She loves him...so I better find a way to love him too. This took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of talking. The effort has paid off and finally we talk to each other more like friends although we still argue more than I would like.

Today he said he had googled some pics of a sexy actress he likes. He said I should check her out. I said I know his type and it's highly unlikely that she will do it for me. I asked if she is anything like KD Lang. He says - K.D Lang!?You really are a proper lesbian! Which made me laugh. I mentioned something about a friend of ours today and he said she's fit (hot). He's right - she is. I said am I fit? He says yes you are actually, but you're gay. Funny he never gave me complements when we were married and I expected him to say...hmmm, you're ok.

The way he dealt with our marriage break up has given me more respect for him, and I care about him deeply now. He's probably my best friend.

[Katniss]

Of course you can! I'm friends with most of my exes. Funny thing last year I was at an outdoor concert (k.d. lang no less) and looked around at my friends and suddenly realized 3 of the 4 women on the picnic blanket were my exes and the 4th was my date. I guess because I am really discerning (ok, fine....picky) about who I get involved with I can't imagine not wanting to be their friend after the more carnal part of the relationship is over. This actually holds true no matter who initiates the break-up. I also don't value my worth by whether or not I am with someone nor do I take it personally if something ends. Like colors on a canvas, some just work better together than others do. Doesn't mean I won't feel sad or bummed but I try and hold the good stuff and release the bad. I will say for myself that when it's over it's over as far as a "relationship." To sort of cement that idea I am a firm believer in a hiatus in communication until alllll the feelings have died out. I see way too many folks doing the "come-here-go-away-come-here" dance. Some exes I can be friends with sooner than others. I think the records were 10 days (mutual break-up) and 3 years (she lied and cheated.) I have also set an ex up with someone I think would be a good fit and one such pairing has lasted 7 years. I'm happy, I like to see other people happy. Each person in my life has been like a mirror, showing me different parts of myself, and for that I am grateful. I count it a bonus that not only do I want to be their friend, but they also want to be mine.


Katniss~~(rich in friends...)

[PoeticSilence]

I'm friends with most of my exes. Some it's taken longer to be friends with. Others, well...it could be easier if they put some effort into it and realized that there are no hard and fast rules that say I have to accept any lies going forward.

[JAGG]

Absolutely. I am friends with most.

[Happyfemme]

Yes definitely, as I stop and think about it I am friends with several of them. The degree to which I have contact with each of them varies. I think if the person cheated, lied or had difficulty making good choices about certain things then that might be a different situation.

[SaltyButch]

I am friends with most of my ex's, oddly enough the only one I'm not, clearly stated from the get go, should we break up she would never be my friend. I find it interesting that you chose to give yourself to this person for one reason or the other, so why when things end and granted it depends how it ends you wouldn't at some point still cherish what you shared...but still even if it ended badly they were special at some point. I'm a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason, even if it's to learn a lesson you wish you could have lived without.

[JDeere]

Yes I think you can if the relationship was left on good terms. I am friends with say 4 of my ex's only due to that fact. But I can see why some folks are not friends with their ex's.

[AnAwkwardAccident]

I don't know. I'm friends with one of my ex's, but she constantly crosses lines and blurs boundaries....so my ex is more of an acquaintance than a friend. For example, she asked me to take photos of her in lingerie to send to her current girlfriend. ....I said no, but was totally caught off guard. Somehow I seem to be attracted to folks with boundary issues.

[D Phryxus]

Yes "it depends"
However, in my experience and in seeing similar situations with others...very rarely does this work out.

The only ex I still associate with is only an ex because we now have 5k miles between us. We still have feelings for each other and if distance were not a factor we would still be in a sexual/romantic relationship.
The other exes and I don't speak to each other unless we are at an event and run into each other. We are civil but I wouldn't say we are friends.

Part of me really wishes I could be optimistic about exes as friends. I want to believe it can happen. However, I would always advise caution. There is a reason that person is no longer in your life.

[MysticOceansFL]

Originally Posted by D Phryxus

Yes "it depends"
However, in my experience and in seeing similar situations with others...very rarely does this work out.

The only ex I still associate with is only an ex because we now have 5k miles between us. We still have feelings for each other and if distance were not a factor we would still be in a sexual/romantic relationship.
The other exes and I don't speak to each other unless we are at an event and run into each other. We are civil but I wouldn't say we are friends.

Part of me really wishes I could be optimistic about exes as friends. I want to believe it can happen. However, I would always advise caution. There is a reason that person is no longer in your life.

In every situation is dealt with differently same with ex's and not all will turn out the same where as I'm friends with an ex and another I don't even talk to her and her and I live in the same state!

[candy_coated_bitch]

For me, the answer is overwhelmingly no. If I break up with someone it's for a reason. I think if there are still feeling involved it's an awful idea! But yeah. It depends on the situation and people. I have exactly one ex I am still good friends with. And we had a very close friendship before we ever got involved, and it took time and space.

I think the potential for drama is high.

[cinnamongrrl]

I think it definitely depends on the ex. In light of recent events, I have become more open to this possibility than I once was....

[Orema]

I'm friendly with most exes, but we're not friends. If we run into each other, we'll hug, smile, and all that jazz ... or we'll connect once or twice a year (if that) to catch up on old news—who died, got married, came out, had a baby, etc.— but that's as far as it goes with me.

I think people unconsciously send messages to each other, so being friends with an ex is not a good idea to me.

[Jesse]

I am on friendly terms with most of my exes. After all, they still have the qualities they possessed that attracted me to them in the first place and are for the most part, really good people. However, I would not choose to be a part of their everyday life, because it would be too much like dragging the past into today. The past is done, and I live in the now.