Long Distance Relationships

[VintageFemme]

The internet has made our world much smaller and brought people into our lives that would never have come if it weren't for this medium. I absolutely do think long distance relationships can work but I think there is so much more work that goes into one than one that isn't. And you have to be ready to do the work to make it work. It requires so much trust, communication and attentiveness. It truly has to be the priority in your life because if it isn't, it will suffer at the hands of distance. And in my personal experience, I've also learned that you cannot jump too quickly. You have to take the time to get to know one another which in a ldr is a lot longer than in the day to day face to face world. But if you're looking at forever, then taking it slow really is a small thing in the big picture. Every relationship is a risk always. There are never ever safety nets when you jump but taking a few precautions and jumping in slow motion I think can minimize some of those uncertainties. Yeah, in my humble albeit experienced opinion - I do think they can work.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

But if you're looking at forever, then taking it slow really is a small thing in the big picture. Every relationship is a risk always. There are never ever safety nets when you jump but taking a few precautions and jumping in slow motion I think can minimize some of those uncertainties.

Well said!

Always, always, always take the time to check the depth of the water before you dive in.

(It took stubborn me a long time to learn this valuable lesson.)

[Tony]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

The internet has made our world much smaller and brought people into our lives that would never have come if it weren't for this medium. I absolutely do think long distance relationships can work but I think there is so much more work that goes into one than one that isn't. And you have to be ready to do the work to make it work. It requires so much trust, communication and attentiveness. It truly has to be the priority in your life because if it isn't, it will suffer at the hands of distance. And in my personal experience, I've also learned that you cannot jump too quickly. You have to take the time to get to know one another which in a ldr is a lot longer than in the day to day face to face world. But if you're looking at forever, then taking it slow really is a small thing in the big picture. Every relationship is a risk always. There are never ever safety nets when you jump but taking a few precautions and jumping in slow motion I think can minimize some of those uncertainties. Yeah, in my humble albeit experienced opinion - I do think they can work.

I have found bits and pieces in all the posts here, but this one encompasses a lot of what I believe. I don't post much here, but this caught my eye and it is a subject near and dear to my heart. I'm going to share my experiences.
I've had 3 LDR's. The first was with a woman that I had a 30 year history with. We went to high school together, she searched for me, and while I felt I was being stalked, in the end we had a LDR. We met 5 weeks after first conversing (even tho I felt I was being stalked initially). We decided we had to do LDR for 1 year while the kids graduated school. We were both in an excellent financial situation so we were able to bridge the 1,000 mile separation every 3-4 weeks. We also had decided on a "be together" date after our first meeting. Long story short, after a year, she moves here, we've already established ourselves in both of our friends and families circles so it was a very smooth transition. We married, it eventually ended in divorce but not due to the LDR.
My second LDR was an online initiated relationship. My first. It was pretty much a train wreck (although of course I didn't see it at the time). The honesty card and availability card come into play here. (Hers, not mine).
My third LDR was also online, even tho I swore I would never do it again. But, hell, the heart wants what it wants. We're still unfinished business in my opinion. We did meet live after talking for 8 months. We spent 7 days & 6 nights together in another state for my daughter's wedding. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, a few. But we're having difficulties getting over some humps from that visit.
It's been stated in another thread that omission is also a lie. While I believe the premise of that, I have to say; some things are hard to share via text, phone, skype, facetime. Without that human touch, seeing the reaction, it's hard to tell all. Sometimes omission is due to shame, not deceit. There is a very real difference. Yes, you need to trust. However, on line, LDR, the option to just click ignore or not answer a phone or text tilts the tables more than a little bit. In real time, you can approach somebody. Talk to somebody. Touch somebody. LDR does not afford that. Unfortunately, it's so easy to walk away in an online LDR without dealing. Without putting the effort in. Having said that, I do believe one of the greatest advantages to on line is that all you have is communication. You can lay a foundation based on the endless hours of conversation and sharing that you might not do RL. If you are both being honest with each other, this can be a huge advantage and cornerstone to happily ever after.
In the end, it's a very personal experience. What works for us only works for us.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Long-distance relationships are no longer for me. I've done 2 of them and will never do it again. In one relationship, the butch moved for me and we got into a whirlwind relationship that ended suddenly and badly. For the second one, I moved for hym and it was the single most horrible experience of my life. We descended into a 2.5 year nightmare of abuse and horror. That also ended abruptly and put me in a very dangerous situation.

Is this typical of all LDRs? No, I don't think so. I think it can work. However, my initial attraction to LDRs was because I love and need to be alone more than half of the time. It's not that I don't want to spend time with someone I love, it's just that I need someone who is a lone wolf like me for it to work.

Also, I have a penchant for choosing people who, while brilliant, are usually diabolically insane (not an exaggeration). If someone truly has a serious mental health problem, is abusive, is on drugs, an alcoholic, etc. they can hide it so much easier in an LDR. As the old saying goes, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Because of this, I think LDRs have a stronger element of danger than dating someone who lives close by. When you meet somebody a town over, you can get to know each other slowly. If something doesn't jive, it's no big deal. You return to your respective abodes and lives.

When it's an LDR and someone has already moved and then you realize something isn't working (and it's a BIG something) you're stuck. Yes, of course you can leave but you've already invested your time, your money, your heart, and your expectations on a person you only thought you knew.

From experience I've learned that long-distance relationships when there's more than a few hundred miles involved is largely fantasy. Two people see the best sides of each other through email, phone, and Skype conversations, and the phone sex is amazing. You're always on your best behavior. Everything stays in the honeymoon phase. You get high on it. Then, if the distance is large, you float along on the honeymoon bliss and move in together. Then BAM, reality sets in. Can it work? Yes, I think it can. But it makes it 10 times more difficult even with the sanest, most reasonable of people.

Now if you can see each other regularly and really spend time together to get to know each other, I think it could work. Long-long distance to me is one in a million. I would never do it again. I've discovered with my tendency toward selecting the brilliantly insane and the fact I cannot read people well due to my Asperger's, not only do I need to spend a very long time getting to know someone, I want to expose them to my friends and family as well so they can use their neurotypical brains to help me pick up on danger signs I would otherwise miss.

Again, my opinion. My experience.

[agape]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

Long-distance relationships are no longer for me. I've done 2 of them and will never do it again. In one relationship, the butch moved for me and we got into a whirlwind relationship that ended suddenly and badly. For the second one, I moved for hym and it was the single most horrible experience of my life. We descended into a 2.5 year nightmare of abuse and horror. That also ended abruptly and put me in a very dangerous situation.

Is this typical of all LDRs? No, I don't think so. I think it can work. However, my initial attraction to LDRs was because I love and need to be alone more than half of the time. It's not that I don't want to spend time with someone I love, it's just that I need someone who is a lone wolf like me for it to work.

Also, I have a penchant for choosing people who, while brilliant, are usually diabolically insane (not an exaggeration). If someone truly has a serious mental health problem, is abusive, is on drugs, an alcoholic, etc. they can hide it so much easier in an LDR. As the old saying goes, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Because of this, I think LDRs have a stronger element of danger than dating someone who lives close by. When you meet somebody a town over, you can get to know each other slowly. If something doesn't jive, it's no big deal. You return to your respective abodes and lives.

When it's an LDR and someone has already moved and then you realize something isn't working (and it's a BIG something) you're stuck. Yes, of course you can leave but you've already invested your time, your money, your heart, and your expectations on a person you only thought you knew.

From experience I've learned that long-distance relationships when there's more than a few hundred miles involved is largely fantasy. Two people see the best sides of each other through email, phone, and Skype conversations, and the phone sex is amazing. You're always on your best behavior. Everything stays in the honeymoon phase. You get high on it. Then, if the distance is large, you float along on the honeymoon bliss and move in together. Then BAM, reality sets in. Can it work? Yes, I think it can. But it makes it 10 times more difficult even with the sanest, most reasonable of people.

Now if you can see each other regularly and really spend time together to get to know each other, I think it could work. Long-long distance to me is one in a million. I would never do it again. I've discovered with my tendency toward selecting the brilliantly insane and the fact I cannot read people well due to my Asperger's, not only do I need to spend a very long time getting to know someone, I want to expose them to my friends and family as well so they can use their neurotypical brains to help me pick up on danger signs I would otherwise miss.

Again, my opinion. My experience.

I think you are making some very important points here Girl_on_fire! You gave me a lot of food for thought, thank you so much for sharing! (I'm sorry you had to learn all that the hard way though...)

I'm also a loner and need a lot of space and time so I get what that's like...

In your defense, some can be really good at baring masks so that people with "neurotypical brains" don't see the danger signs either... (Actually they might even have more difficulties "seeing" since socializing often requires "not seeing too much" otherwise it can be difficult to maintain relationships... as in getting overloaded with too much information -if you get what I'm trying to say?- it's hard to explain in words...)

[Vincent]

I know this is pretty old,but reading it,I found interesting.
As I head into my 60's,I actually like to be alone and enjoy having my own place.
I have decided that I would prefer to meet someone,that leads a busy life,and would be happy to come over and have a good time,I mean this respectfully.

I just cant offer the "white picket fence" I feel disengenuis,pretending I do.
I am financially ok,so I can buy tickets,and I must say,I seem to have a thing for Americans.

I have thought about this for a long time now,so I thought,why not post it.
Maybe there is a queer dyke femme out there looking for me.

I really dig strong women and I guess I can go into more detail in private,or even chat
cheers from tropical paradise,down under

[VintageFemme]

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

[RebelDyke]

While my requirements for relationships most assuredly have changed thru the years, I stand by my original statement....

long distance relationships never work.

(i will only add this caveat. They will work if it is treated much like a poly relationship: all involved must be completely honest and open about everything. j/s)

[Play]

I can see a LDR working out if both parties
involved have excellent communication skills.

Also, no reason a LDR can't change into a IRL
relationship in time.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

I love traveling as well, my alone time and independence however the living alone deal.doesn't work due to me being a caregiver.

I however understand it is indeed tricky business.

[Vincent]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

I feel the same
Actually I like different countries
I like living alone,its been 16 years and I never feel bored or lonely
I like people visiting,but I also enjoy them leaving
I did the live in stuff,and it never worked,mainly my fault,coz I wanted my own room and felt smothered.
maybe I just like romantic holidays,just things have changed for me now

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Vincent

I feel the same
Actually I like different countries
I like living alone,its been 16 years and I never feel bored or lonely
I like people visiting,but I also enjoy them leaving
I did the live in stuff,and it never worked,mainly my fault,coz I wanted my own room and felt smothered.
maybe I just like romantic holidays,just things have changed for me now

This.

While it might not make sense for everyone, it makes every bit of difference for me/us.

[Lyte]

Indeed. I think I've grown rather comfy with my hermit-esque lifestyle.

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

Originally Posted by Vincent

I feel the same
Actually I like different countries
I like living alone,its been 16 years and I never feel bored or lonely
I like people visiting,but I also enjoy them leaving
I did the live in stuff,and it never worked,mainly my fault,coz I wanted my own room and felt smothered.
maybe I just like romantic holidays,just things have changed for me now

[JDeere]

The only crap I can't stand about LDR's is the waiting to see each other, I am impatient as fuck!!!!!

However this gives me time to save money LOL