Long Distance Relationships

[Girl_On_Fire]

Long-distance relationships are no longer for me. I've done 2 of them and will never do it again. In one relationship, the butch moved for me and we got into a whirlwind relationship that ended suddenly and badly. For the second one, I moved for hym and it was the single most horrible experience of my life. We descended into a 2.5 year nightmare of abuse and horror. That also ended abruptly and put me in a very dangerous situation.

Is this typical of all LDRs? No, I don't think so. I think it can work. However, my initial attraction to LDRs was because I love and need to be alone more than half of the time. It's not that I don't want to spend time with someone I love, it's just that I need someone who is a lone wolf like me for it to work.

Also, I have a penchant for choosing people who, while brilliant, are usually diabolically insane (not an exaggeration). If someone truly has a serious mental health problem, is abusive, is on drugs, an alcoholic, etc. they can hide it so much easier in an LDR. As the old saying goes, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Because of this, I think LDRs have a stronger element of danger than dating someone who lives close by. When you meet somebody a town over, you can get to know each other slowly. If something doesn't jive, it's no big deal. You return to your respective abodes and lives.

When it's an LDR and someone has already moved and then you realize something isn't working (and it's a BIG something) you're stuck. Yes, of course you can leave but you've already invested your time, your money, your heart, and your expectations on a person you only thought you knew.

From experience I've learned that long-distance relationships when there's more than a few hundred miles involved is largely fantasy. Two people see the best sides of each other through email, phone, and Skype conversations, and the phone sex is amazing. You're always on your best behavior. Everything stays in the honeymoon phase. You get high on it. Then, if the distance is large, you float along on the honeymoon bliss and move in together. Then BAM, reality sets in. Can it work? Yes, I think it can. But it makes it 10 times more difficult even with the sanest, most reasonable of people.

Now if you can see each other regularly and really spend time together to get to know each other, I think it could work. Long-long distance to me is one in a million. I would never do it again. I've discovered with my tendency toward selecting the brilliantly insane and the fact I cannot read people well due to my Asperger's, not only do I need to spend a very long time getting to know someone, I want to expose them to my friends and family as well so they can use their neurotypical brains to help me pick up on danger signs I would otherwise miss.

Again, my opinion. My experience.

[agape]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

Long-distance relationships are no longer for me. I've done 2 of them and will never do it again. In one relationship, the butch moved for me and we got into a whirlwind relationship that ended suddenly and badly. For the second one, I moved for hym and it was the single most horrible experience of my life. We descended into a 2.5 year nightmare of abuse and horror. That also ended abruptly and put me in a very dangerous situation.

Is this typical of all LDRs? No, I don't think so. I think it can work. However, my initial attraction to LDRs was because I love and need to be alone more than half of the time. It's not that I don't want to spend time with someone I love, it's just that I need someone who is a lone wolf like me for it to work.

Also, I have a penchant for choosing people who, while brilliant, are usually diabolically insane (not an exaggeration). If someone truly has a serious mental health problem, is abusive, is on drugs, an alcoholic, etc. they can hide it so much easier in an LDR. As the old saying goes, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Because of this, I think LDRs have a stronger element of danger than dating someone who lives close by. When you meet somebody a town over, you can get to know each other slowly. If something doesn't jive, it's no big deal. You return to your respective abodes and lives.

When it's an LDR and someone has already moved and then you realize something isn't working (and it's a BIG something) you're stuck. Yes, of course you can leave but you've already invested your time, your money, your heart, and your expectations on a person you only thought you knew.

From experience I've learned that long-distance relationships when there's more than a few hundred miles involved is largely fantasy. Two people see the best sides of each other through email, phone, and Skype conversations, and the phone sex is amazing. You're always on your best behavior. Everything stays in the honeymoon phase. You get high on it. Then, if the distance is large, you float along on the honeymoon bliss and move in together. Then BAM, reality sets in. Can it work? Yes, I think it can. But it makes it 10 times more difficult even with the sanest, most reasonable of people.

Now if you can see each other regularly and really spend time together to get to know each other, I think it could work. Long-long distance to me is one in a million. I would never do it again. I've discovered with my tendency toward selecting the brilliantly insane and the fact I cannot read people well due to my Asperger's, not only do I need to spend a very long time getting to know someone, I want to expose them to my friends and family as well so they can use their neurotypical brains to help me pick up on danger signs I would otherwise miss.

Again, my opinion. My experience.

I think you are making some very important points here Girl_on_fire! You gave me a lot of food for thought, thank you so much for sharing! (I'm sorry you had to learn all that the hard way though...)

I'm also a loner and need a lot of space and time so I get what that's like...

In your defense, some can be really good at baring masks so that people with "neurotypical brains" don't see the danger signs either... (Actually they might even have more difficulties "seeing" since socializing often requires "not seeing too much" otherwise it can be difficult to maintain relationships... as in getting overloaded with too much information -if you get what I'm trying to say?- it's hard to explain in words...)

[Vincent]

I know this is pretty old,but reading it,I found interesting.
As I head into my 60's,I actually like to be alone and enjoy having my own place.
I have decided that I would prefer to meet someone,that leads a busy life,and would be happy to come over and have a good time,I mean this respectfully.

I just cant offer the "white picket fence" I feel disengenuis,pretending I do.
I am financially ok,so I can buy tickets,and I must say,I seem to have a thing for Americans.

I have thought about this for a long time now,so I thought,why not post it.
Maybe there is a queer dyke femme out there looking for me.

I really dig strong women and I guess I can go into more detail in private,or even chat
cheers from tropical paradise,down under

[VintageFemme]

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

[RebelDyke]

While my requirements for relationships most assuredly have changed thru the years, I stand by my original statement....

long distance relationships never work.

(i will only add this caveat. They will work if it is treated much like a poly relationship: all involved must be completely honest and open about everything. j/s)

[Play]

I can see a LDR working out if both parties
involved have excellent communication skills.

Also, no reason a LDR can't change into a IRL
relationship in time.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

I love traveling as well, my alone time and independence however the living alone deal.doesn't work due to me being a caregiver.

I however understand it is indeed tricky business.

[Vincent]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

I feel the same
Actually I like different countries
I like living alone,its been 16 years and I never feel bored or lonely
I like people visiting,but I also enjoy them leaving
I did the live in stuff,and it never worked,mainly my fault,coz I wanted my own room and felt smothered.
maybe I just like romantic holidays,just things have changed for me now

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Vincent

I feel the same
Actually I like different countries
I like living alone,its been 16 years and I never feel bored or lonely
I like people visiting,but I also enjoy them leaving
I did the live in stuff,and it never worked,mainly my fault,coz I wanted my own room and felt smothered.
maybe I just like romantic holidays,just things have changed for me now

This.

While it might not make sense for everyone, it makes every bit of difference for me/us.

[Vincent]

Originally Posted by Canela

This.

While it might not make sense for everyone, it makes every bit of difference for me/us.

That's the thing,I try and use the analogy of my shoes won't fit most people nor my diet.
Theres no sense in being dishonest or doing something out of guilt.
I moved in with a woman,coz I felt guilty and didn't want to hurt her,it was a distaster and she got hurt anyway,as did I.
I wanted it to work,but's it just not me.
I like that,13,000 miles of ocean between us,LOL

I'm glad you have met someone and its working,good on you both

Do you have a friend into tranguys???????

[Lyte]

Indeed. I think I've grown rather comfy with my hermit-esque lifestyle.

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

I find that the older I get, the more I'm good with a long distance relationship. The things I want out of a relationship have shifted and are quite different these days. I also love traveling, living alone, my private time and independence. Now, I need to find someone who values these things as well! Tricky tricky business.

Originally Posted by Vincent

I feel the same
Actually I like different countries
I like living alone,its been 16 years and I never feel bored or lonely
I like people visiting,but I also enjoy them leaving
I did the live in stuff,and it never worked,mainly my fault,coz I wanted my own room and felt smothered.
maybe I just like romantic holidays,just things have changed for me now

[JDeere]

The only crap I can't stand about LDR's is the waiting to see each other, I am impatient as fuck!!!!!

However this gives me time to save money LOL

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by JDeere

The only crap I can't stand about LDR's is the waiting to see each other, I am impatient as fuck!!!!!

However this gives me time to save money LOL

it's worth the wait JD