Changing last names

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

I changed mine already once, to take my mother's last name and a new first and middle when I started transition. because my father isn't supportive at all mad mom is, so.
Daisy's current last name is from the ex husband...it fits her though and if she wanted to keep it, or hypenate it it would be okay with me...it's not the name I am marrying it's her. Still it would be nice to hear Mrs. SAB.


~SAB

[macele]

i've never liked the idea of changing my last name. and i would not expect anyone to change theirs to mine. i'll never ask. i am butch. but i don't think that has anything to do with why i don't care for the change of last names. when i originally said, "no way!", being butch never crossed my mind. i'm ok with each person hyphenating and adding the others name. that's being fair lol.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout
The kind of person I would fall in love with wouldn't want me to change my name to hers.

Posted in response by DapperButch:
Ok, so because I like the idea of TF changing her name to mine I am what? A misogynist? Is it like an automatic thing or do my other characteristics and character traits come into account when determining this?



No, DapperButch, I wasn't saying that you're a misogynist. That's quite a leap. I was saying, a person who wants me to change my name to hers would likely have a different set of expectations about relationships than I would and maybe, she would have more heteronormative values than I do, not that I don't love the butch/femme delineation. If it works for you and TF, that's cool.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Originally Posted by IslandScout
The kind of person I would fall in love with wouldn't want me to change my name to hers.

Posted in response by DapperButch:
Ok, so because I like the idea of TF changing her name to mine I am what? A misogynist? Is it like an automatic thing or do my other characteristics and character traits come into account when determining this?



No, DapperButch, I wasn't saying that you're a misogynist. That's quite a leap. I was saying, a person who wants me to change my name to hers would likely have a different set of expectations about relationships than I would and maybe, she would have more heteronormative values than I do, not that I don't love the butch/femme delineation. If it works for you and TF, that's cool.

Hey, IslandScout. It was a bit of a leap, I admit. I should have asked why you wouldn't fall in love with someone who would want that, prior to throwing out possible reasons. I am reading you to say that you have assumptions attached to people who would want that.

I do think there could be a number of reasons why someone may want someone to change their name when they marrry and it is not always about heternormative values (especially in the LGBT community). I believe that this is a huge generalization which isn't fair to those people who live a queer life and do not adhere to heteronormative ways of living. To me, your post felt shaming. Like there is something wrong with a person if they would "want" that. That is what triggered me, as my head went to those who have already posted here that they took their partner's name/desired to take their partner's name/want their partner to take their name, etc. I felt their cringe (not just my own).

However, I think I was a bit aggressive with my post, and I apologize for that.

As I said in my post to Cheryl, if you had said, "expect", I would have been right there with you.

[stepfordfemme]

I have wanted to change my legal name for years.

My legal last name is my father's last name. My mothers last name is her maiden name she reclaimed after their divorce. My mother and I were both victims of family violence. BUT...

Because I am legally a child born of a marriage --when I went to petition for a name change --I must not only publicize it locally, I must also stand before a judge and let it stand for any members of the public to object.

At the time, I lived in the same small town as my father so I was afraid to spend all that money to do so, and have him kill my name change so easily.

It's very personal, but to me my next legal name will be my "family" name. It will be symbolic of a commitment to both my partner and my future children. It's about unification to me personally.

I don't care whether it's mixed, mashed, my partners or chosen as something new. I want to let go of my given name and it's both easier and a conscious choice.

[Sparkle]

I am engaged and I will not change my name when we marry.

I don't feel any pressure or sense of obligation to change it or NOT change it.

My decision to not change it is not tied to my feminist principles or my beliefs about the butch/femme dynamic or my desire to queer-marriage. It's nought to do with politics or legal rights.

My reasons are *all about me*

My surname was given to me by my adopted, abusive father when he married my mother, and he got it from his deadbeat, abusive dad before that, it does not have personal significance to me in a family/genealogical sense.

In fact, for many years I considered legally changing my surname to the original one on my birth certificate (my mother's maiden name) because that family name does have significant personal meaning for me.

But after a lot of time and thought, I chose not to because I decided my name is MY name. I've earned it. I've grown in to it. I've made it mine. No genealogical strings attached.

It is, for me, a symbol of my journey to learn who I am, to be who I am, and to love myself as I am.

And that is one of the reasons I will continue to keep my name when I'm married.

I also have a mother who has done the great name shuffle her entire life, and for me, that process has embodied of her lack of sense-of-self, her lack of having a personal identity separate from her husband. When she married husband #3 she decided to revert to her maiden name, having already taken two husbands' names before that, I had hoped that it signaled a shift in my mother away from her co-dependent patterns, I wished it meant she had found a sense of herself again. Sadly it hasn't meant either of those things, but that's her work - her journey - hers to figure out. I feel fortunate to be able to see and understand that about her and to have taken very valuable lessons from watching her journey.

And so another reason it is important to me, to keep my name (and my partner his), is because it symbolizes, for me, two whole and complete individuals joining together in a partnership for life.

Not the melding or merging of two-to-one which traditional marriage ceremonies and rituals seem to be so fond of. Not the "you complete me" romanticism we (general we) were raised to believe in.



Though I should add that Hack does call me "future Mrs. D*", colloquially and playfully, and it makes me smile. He also calls me his "Old Lady" because I love the television show 'Sons of Anarchy' - that term of endearment I like not so much. :P

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Hey, IslandScout. It was a bit of a leap, I admit. I should have asked why you wouldn't fall in love with someone who would want that, prior to throwing out possible reasons. I am reading you to say that you have assumptions attached to people who would want that.

I do think there could be a number of reasons why someone may want someone to change their name when they marrry and it is not always about heternormative values (especially in the LGBT community). I believe that this is a huge generalization which isn't fair to those people who live a queer life and do not adhere to heteronormative ways of living. To me, your post felt shaming. Like there is something wrong with a person if they would "want" that. That is what triggered me, as my head went to those who have already posted here that they took their partner's name/desired to take their partner's name/want their partner to take their name, etc. I felt their cringe (not just my own).

However, I think I was a bit aggressive with my post, and I apologize for that.

As I said in my post to Cheryl, if you had said, "expect", I would have been right there with you.

No problem, don't worry about it. Thanks for letting me see more where you're coming from.

[Dude]

I have known two men personally who took their wives last name.Twenty years ago, in fact.
One , even gave up his law practice for a time, to be Mr mom to twins while his wife completed her residencies required to be a Doctor. That last part, is what marriage is about , so much more than just a name. He was all in to supporting his wife and people were completely shocked by his devotion.

When my mother became pregnant she gave up her career that had just begun to be a stay at home mother.Her self esteem and independence were deeply affected and she became a stand by your Man woman.
To the point of allowing my father to name me , after a prior girlfriend of his. I know my mom felt beat
down by This and my dads many abusive ways. In honor of her , I am considering a change.

[*Anya*]

This is a little bumpy today, bear with me. I am fighting a migraine (and am losing).

My last name is my ex-husbands name.

I originally kept it after our divorce because of the children and because I did not like my father's/family last name ( I was about to write "maiden" name and thought ick on the maiden).

If my GF and I get married, I will change my name. Not because she would expect me to but because I really like her last name!

Most of all:

Because I really, really like the thought of becoming one with her in a concrete, symbolic way.

When we go away, hotel personnel have already called me Anya Smith ( for example) because she is D. Smith.

I thought it so cool on so many levels. They were assuming, in a positive way, that we were married and that my last name was the same as hers.

It tickled me and she loved it.

I know that we will marry at some point.

I also know that I will change my name to hers. I also know that it will not make me one bit less of a feminist to do so.

( I still wish that we had a bride smilie).