Caregivers and Stress

girl_dee · 11-14-2013, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teddybear

I have cared for 2 partners who have passed and I got all wrapped up in caring for them that once they were gone I was lost. I felt I didnt have a purpose anymore. I wish I had more of a support system to help me get out and have me time. I have learned the hard way and I hope you dont.

Its feels like you dont doing all you can to take a few hrs a week just to be U. you will need it take it and DONT let anyone keep u from it

Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

TruTexan · 11-14-2013, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

Dee, my mom has not been happy since I can't remember when. She argues with me, yells and screams at me, etc. etc. etc. and sometimes I just have to step back and say ok, she's not the mom I used to know anymore. My mom doesn't want to live with anyone or have to depend on anyone, it makes her nuts because she's independent and thinks she can afford to go it alone, when in reality she can't. It seems that with aging comes a part of unhappiness for some, like my mom.
Could it be that your mom is afraid to be alone ? I don't know her but sounds like it.
When my stepfather died, I took the brundt of my mom's anger and since then it's not ever changed. She's nice to my sisters but I"m the one that gets yelled and screamed at and told things that stings really deep, that are truly ugly. I fully understand where you're coming from . I just can tell you from experience, to keep going to therapy, it will help you learn to step back and not take it personally as much at times.....not all the time......but sometimes you'll be able to.
If you need anything let me know.

Teddybear · 11-14-2013, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

I dont know if ppl r called to take care of loved one or not.

When both of my partners got sick and we knew they were going to pass I CHOOSE to stay.

I can say that neither of them really was one to complain however I know that no matter what you do for some it will never be enough. I had a friend who took care of her father and he was a piece of work.

By the time they had to find a home for him there was so much animosity tween all the family members it wasnt funny.

I swear if i have to take care of my parents i will but my brothers better b there to give me a break when needed

PoeticSilence · 11-15-2013, 01:37 AM

I'm the caregivee. My wife is the caregiver. I think that a person who has gone from being productive and successful and even adventurous has a right to be angry with themselves when they lose those qualities unwillingly. That being said, I don't think it's right to take it out on your caretaker. I know I've done this, but the times are few and far between. Usually it's happened after a lot of frustration has built up and she's wanting some recognition for what she's going through too, and somehow, I haven't done that.

It can start easily, maybe she was putting my leg wraps on, and making me feel like she was rushed or maybe she inadvertently bumped my other leg while passing the wraps over and under. Of course I'll say Please be careful, be careful of my legs. She'll get exasperated and claim that she is, with that tone that means she's heard this before. Maybe I'll feel the wraps are too loose and say so, and she'll say they aren't, and of course within a few hours, they are so loose, they've come undone. It can be the smallest of things. A tone. A sigh. A look. A certainty of being ignored, rushed, refused. I imagine it's the same for nearly everyone.

We've worked it through, but still we can have our days. She just needs to get out of the house, go to a movie, go out to eat. Just go away. I can't really go away. Maybe I can go to another room and stay there so she has some time to herself. I try to do as much for myself as I can, but even I had to come to grips with what I can't do. She worries about going too far in case I fall or get hurt (a brush with a empty cardboard box tore my leg open and it took months for that tear to heal).

I think we've worked out a lot of things, and she meets with my doctors after I have, in case there're things she's concerned about or wants to talk about privately. I also have to remember to recognize her, thank her for cooking, tell her what I did like about it instead of what I didn't like about it. Offer to fold the laundry since she's washed and dried it. Try to keep my side of the bed made when I'm getting up so that she doesn't have to. My arms aren't too badly affected so I offer foot rubs.

The most important thing I have to do is that when I'm frustrated, I have to remember not to take it out on her. She's likely just as frustrated as I am. I try not to deal with social security or things that will get me upset when she's around at all. And most importantly, I have to remember to thank her sincerely for what she does for me. Usually at night before she goes to sleep. I want to make sure she knows that I know that she's valuable to me and not just some health care giver that I got stuck with.

Rockinonahigh · 11-15-2013, 04:19 AM

When my grannie finialy became so forgetful she didn't know where she was nor could she deal with the live in sitter I finealy went to night school to finish high school and cared for her myself,this went on for a couple of years.One morning I got up to my mother asking me where she was,I said check the bathroom,well grannie had some how unlocked the safety latches and was no where to be found.She was almost 80 at the time,I called the police,any and every one I knew,the mounted patrol that I belonged to got involved so for three days no one knew where she was.Then a friend of ours who owned the old family grosery
about a mile from home called to tell us they had her at the store,they herd something going through the garbage cans' thinking it was an animal so went to check it out then found her then called us.She was starving,covered in bug bites whit scratches plus bruises.I went to pick her up.thank goodness she knew who I was,I had her checked out by a doctor that said she was just a lost person who was probly on the river banks from the injuries she had but no one had done any thing to her thank goodness.We put her in a care facility that took really good care of her.BUT,I was the hardest thing I had to deal with at the time.We all blamed our selves for not being more aware of her roaming the house at night,but she had never done anything like that before.
Till the day she passed I went every day after school,brought her home on weekends and holidays there she was put on meds to help her be easyr to deal with.I'm glad she had such good care at the home but wish I could have done more,now I know I did all I could so did mom.The other family members,some did what they could some fell into the void.
Dee just take it one day at the time,go to what ever help group you have,as for the family that dosent feel they could help you cant' change them,I know I have tryed.One thing that could help is adult day care,I worked in one for a long time it was godsend for the families of the people that came that came,we had a nursing staff with a staff that really cared for everyone.I will send you all the energy I have to send.Take care .

Nat · 11-15-2013, 07:04 AM

I love this thread. Even for those of us who aren't primary caregivers now, there's a time when many of us will be on the caregiver or caregivee side in the future. Whichever side we fall on, I think it's helpful to have more understanding beforehand.

And as the daughter of a primary caregiver, I'd love to know how those caregivers here are most in need of support. As a caregiver, what most do you need from your loved ones who are not in the caregivee role?

dykeumentary · 11-15-2013, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nat

I love this thread. Even for those of us who aren't primary caregivers now, there's a time when many of us will be on the caregiver or caregivee side in the future. Whichever side we fall on, I think it's helpful to have more understanding beforehand.

And as the daughter of a primary caregiver, I'd love to know how those caregivers here are most in need of support. As a caregiver, what most do you need from your loved ones who are not in the caregivee role?

I take care of my mother- not living full time with her, but 2-3 days a week.

It was interesting to think about the question of what support i need.
When I was recently hospitalized and then recovering, my friends took up my responsibilities to mom- and that was an amazing blessing (not least because it involved travel to her).

Also fascinating to have to be the one receiving the care, instead if giving it. (A short video about my illness is in my signature link)

I'm single, and starting off trying to schedule dating around eldercare can be tricky and/or embarrassing. I know I should think "If someone can't handle my devotion to my mother, it's a bad match!" But what if the woman is really hot and I just want to date her? Anyway.
When I had to live with my mom (she had a more serious situation then) it was also awkward to not be able to bring women home.

People have told me that I'm "tied to my mother's apron strings" and that it's usually a gay (male) clichè to fret over one's mother. As always, it comes back to sexism and homophobia I guess.

Ever since I started taking care of Mom I've wanted to make a dykeumentary about how lesbians - who were often kicked out their families for their sexuality (and/or gender expression) are the ones who end up doing the eldercare. Is there already such a film? If not, should we make one?

Happy_Go_Lucky · 11-15-2013, 08:46 AM

How incredibly emotionally draining for any of you who find yourself in a caregiving situation with someone you love.

That being said, my situation is being the primary medical POA to my male parent. Did I mention he is a POS?

I believe it may be easier to deal with a parent whom you loathe as opposed to having warm and fuzzy feelings to someone you adore and like?

Any thoughts?

girl_dee · 11-15-2013, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nat

I love this thread. Even for those of us who aren't primary caregivers now, there's a time when many of us will be on the caregiver or caregivee side in the future. Whichever side we fall on, I think it's helpful to have more understanding beforehand.

And as the daughter of a primary caregiver, I'd love to know how those caregivers here are most in need of support. As a caregiver, what most do you need from your loved ones who are not in the caregivee role?

nat, i adore you!

I am going to read thru the post but i was reminded the other day that sometimes we are caregivers of ourselves, always.

Ever had to put your own needs above all else?

Thats a hard thing to do, and that in itself can be stressful.

girl_dee · 11-15-2013, 09:44 PM

The support group i went to the other day was all
About self care for the caregiver.

It was about admitting that its ok to be upset and losing patience. Its to want some time away.

A lady spoke up who has been married for 45 years to her beloved. He had a stroke. He is angry at the world and takes his frustration out on her.
She broke down and said she is ANGRY as hell because this is not the retirement she planned on. She does not know this post stroke husband. She feels robbed. She is at her wits end and i was glad she attended.

Helps me feel not so bad about my own situation.

11-15-2013, 01:37 AM	#4
PoeticSilence Member How Do You Identify?: dodges labels Relationship Status: Estranged Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Midwest Posts: 454 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3 Thanked 919 Times in 277 Posts Rep Power: 10661585	I'm the caregivee. My wife is the caregiver. I think that a person who has gone from being productive and successful and even adventurous has a right to be angry with themselves when they lose those qualities unwillingly. That being said, I don't think it's right to take it out on your caretaker. I know I've done this, but the times are few and far between. Usually it's happened after a lot of frustration has built up and she's wanting some recognition for what she's going through too, and somehow, I haven't done that. It can start easily, maybe she was putting my leg wraps on, and making me feel like she was rushed or maybe she inadvertently bumped my other leg while passing the wraps over and under. Of course I'll say Please be careful, be careful of my legs. She'll get exasperated and claim that she is, with that tone that means she's heard this before. Maybe I'll feel the wraps are too loose and say so, and she'll say they aren't, and of course within a few hours, they are so loose, they've come undone. It can be the smallest of things. A tone. A sigh. A look. A certainty of being ignored, rushed, refused. I imagine it's the same for nearly everyone. We've worked it through, but still we can have our days. She just needs to get out of the house, go to a movie, go out to eat. Just go away. I can't really go away. Maybe I can go to another room and stay there so she has some time to herself. I try to do as much for myself as I can, but even I had to come to grips with what I can't do. She worries about going too far in case I fall or get hurt (a brush with a empty cardboard box tore my leg open and it took months for that tear to heal). I think we've worked out a lot of things, and she meets with my doctors after I have, in case there're things she's concerned about or wants to talk about privately. I also have to remember to recognize her, thank her for cooking, tell her what I did like about it instead of what I didn't like about it. Offer to fold the laundry since she's washed and dried it. Try to keep my side of the bed made when I'm getting up so that she doesn't have to. My arms aren't too badly affected so I offer foot rubs. The most important thing I have to do is that when I'm frustrated, I have to remember not to take it out on her. She's likely just as frustrated as I am. I try not to deal with social security or things that will get me upset when she's around at all. And most importantly, I have to remember to thank her sincerely for what she does for me. Usually at night before she goes to sleep. I want to make sure she knows that I know that she's valuable to me and not just some health care giver that I got stuck with. __________________ Love is all you need.

11-15-2013, 07:04 AM	#6
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender (DID System) Preferred Pronoun?: he/him or alter-specific Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Central TX Posts: 3,537 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,047 Thanked 13,968 Times in 2,589 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I love this thread. Even for those of us who aren't primary caregivers now, there's a time when many of us will be on the caregiver or caregivee side in the future. Whichever side we fall on, I think it's helpful to have more understanding beforehand. And as the daughter of a primary caregiver, I'd love to know how those caregivers here are most in need of support. As a caregiver, what most do you need from your loved ones who are not in the caregivee role? __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl

11-15-2013, 08:46 AM	#8
Happy_Go_Lucky Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Butch who desires femme company. Preferred Pronoun?: Handsome devil you. Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Anywhere I want to be Posts: 677 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 3,365 Times in 627 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	What an important thread. How incredibly emotionally draining for any of you who find yourself in a caregiving situation with someone you love. That being said, my situation is being the primary medical POA to my male parent. Did I mention he is a POS? I believe it may be easier to deal with a parent whom you loathe as opposed to having warm and fuzzy feelings to someone you adore and like? Any thoughts?

11-15-2013, 04:19 AM	#5
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,933 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	When my grannie finialy became so forgetful she didn't know where she was nor could she deal with the live in sitter I finealy went to night school to finish high school and cared for her myself,this went on for a couple of years.One morning I got up to my mother asking me where she was,I said check the bathroom,well grannie had some how unlocked the safety latches and was no where to be found.She was almost 80 at the time,I called the police,any and every one I knew,the mounted patrol that I belonged to got involved so for three days no one knew where she was.Then a friend of ours who owned the old family grosery about a mile from home called to tell us they had her at the store,they herd something going through the garbage cans' thinking it was an animal so went to check it out then found her then called us.She was starving,covered in bug bites whit scratches plus bruises.I went to pick her up.thank goodness she knew who I was,I had her checked out by a doctor that said she was just a lost person who was probly on the river banks from the injuries she had but no one had done any thing to her thank goodness.We put her in a care facility that took really good care of her.BUT,I was the hardest thing I had to deal with at the time.We all blamed our selves for not being more aware of her roaming the house at night,but she had never done anything like that before. Till the day she passed I went every day after school,brought her home on weekends and holidays there she was put on meds to help her be easyr to deal with.I'm glad she had such good care at the home but wish I could have done more,now I know I did all I could so did mom.The other family members,some did what they could some fell into the void. Dee just take it one day at the time,go to what ever help group you have,as for the family that dosent feel they could help you cant' change them,I know I have tryed.One thing that could help is adult day care,I worked in one for a long time it was godsend for the families of the people that came that came,we had a nursing staff with a staff that really cared for everyone.I will send you all the energy I have to send.Take care .

11-15-2013, 09:44 PM	#10
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	The support group i went to the other day was all About self care for the caregiver. It was about admitting that its ok to be upset and losing patience. Its to want some time away. A lady spoke up who has been married for 45 years to her beloved. He had a stroke. He is angry at the world and takes his frustration out on her. She broke down and said she is ANGRY as hell because this is not the retirement she planned on. She does not know this post stroke husband. She feels robbed. She is at her wits end and i was glad she attended. Helps me feel not so bad about my own situation.