Important things I learned from past relationships

cinnamongrrl · 11-20-2013, 12:29 PM

Never lose your autonomy....

Jar · 11-20-2013, 01:01 PM

I've learned to take it slow and get to know each other. Enjoy the good stuff! Build a strong friendship, nurture it and let it grow into a relationship of love and trust. Don't rush it ..... Life will test it soon enough

Medusa · 11-20-2013, 02:13 PM

Two of the most important things I ever learned from past relationships:

1. My feelings actually matter.

2. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter.

Breezy · 11-27-2013, 06:42 PM

My past relationships were necessary for me to have the wonderful one I have with Damon, today.

AnAwkwardAccident · 06-29-2014, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl

Never lose your autonomy....

....THIS!!!

Femmadian · 07-14-2014, 06:02 PM

One important thing I've learned from my last relationship (or rather, the dissolution thereof) is that you don't have to be friends with an ex.

Really, you don't.

It may seem obvious to some (or, well, most), but this was a hard thing for me to accept and come to terms with. I'd always been pretty successful in being able to be friends (or at least friend-ly) with all other exes except for one from a long time ago, so I always thought of myself as one of "those people" who is able to fall into an easy, if gradual, friendship post-relationship. It seemed natural (and inevitable) to me.

Then after my most recent relationship and after many failed attempts at sustaining a friendship with them, I accepted the fact that it doesn't reflect badly on me as a person to not be able to sustain a relationship with someone I cared about after the romantic relationship has ended. It's okay and it's not a failure. You don't have to be friends with an ex at a personal cost to yourself. It's not a moral test to see just how mature and kind and loving and whatthefuck-ever you can be to them. It's not... and you don't "owe" anyone anything.

I somehow thought it was a sign of being a Very Mature Person doing Very Mature Things to be the "bigger person" and keep a past love(r) in my life, even when it wasn't good for me. Even when it hurt. Even when I didn't particularly like them much anymore as it ended because of the things which had transpired during (and facilitated the end of) the relationship. I felt it was normal and justified it to myself with grandiose ideas of "karma" and "the better good" and I thought it was the enlightened thing to do (barring abuse) if you still cared about each other.

And then I (slowly) realized that all that was bullshit. Each relationship stands on its own and is not (or does not have to be) part of some grand narrative of your life. And if you poured yourself unsuccessfully into trying to be a good partner to them, you do not then have to continue this and pour yourself into trying to be a good friend to them, especially when it does not come naturally. Sometimes the kinder, gentler, hell, even friendlier thing is to let go completely.

Forgiveness, if warranted (and sometimes it's not), is something you do for yourself and does not necessarily have to have an obvious, observable effect in the other person's life who is the object of your forgiveness. A relationship with them is not a sign or signal of how far you've come or that you've truly forgiven them and/or moved on (though I recognize it can be for some situations) and it is not something needed or even necessarily wanted by either or both parties, particularly if everyone's being honest.

Give up the ghost.

So, in time I've learned to be kinder to myself and have kinder expectations for my own abilities and what I'm able to do/handle emotionally. It's about allowing yourself to be human and fallible and have negative emotions and experiences and not giving in to an internal nagging of what things "should" look like vs what they actually are. I think it's a good thing and a necessary thing and a positive thing (for me) to have learned.

And to her, for that... I'm truly grateful.

MysticOceansFL · 07-14-2014, 06:26 PM

Two of the most important things I ever learned from past relationships:

1. My feelings actually matter.

2. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter

3. Trust my gut instincts

anaisninja · 07-14-2014, 06:34 PM

Most recently, I have learned that:

1. Mutual attraction/sexual chemistry is a necessary but far from sufficient component of a good relationship.
2. It doesn't matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee; both positions suck and hurt in their own way.

AnAwkwardAccident · 08-17-2014, 10:09 PM

Trust your gut instincts.
Actions speak louder than words.
Set clear boundaries - if those aren't respected, leave.
Don't rush into an being engaged.

SirenManda · 09-04-2014, 11:07 AM

I've learned I'm allowed to disagree. In most of my past relationships, disagreeing with someone meant I had to change my mind or be quiet. Now that I can speak freely, many times I've been able to explain my point and he ends up agreeing with me over things.

I've also learned people who don't seem concerned, aren't. We dismiss these things when meeting someone because of butterflies. Looking back, I overlooked a lot with people in the past.

TruTexan · 09-04-2014, 11:29 AM

1. that MY feelings are important and they matter and should matter
2. that if they can't listen and hear at the same time then for me its time to walk away
3. that if they act like my feelings don't matter and do stuff anyways that it's time to walk away.
4. that some people think yelling is a change in tone of voice doesn't always mesh with my definition of yelling which means at the top of your lungs.
5. leave the past in the past and stop bringing it up
6. that it's okay for me to stand up for myself
7. that I've changed over time as to what is acceptable behavior from friends and relationships
8. that I need to put myself first because no one else will.
9. to take care of me first

11-20-2013, 12:29 PM	#1
cinnamongrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: cleverly disguised as a responsible adult* Preferred Pronoun?: wild woman Relationship Status: No, thank you. Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home in NC..gonna dig in like a tick this time… Posts: 7,664 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,233 Thanked 27,601 Times in 6,958 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Never lose your autonomy.... __________________

11-20-2013, 01:01 PM	#2
Jar Member How Do You Identify?: TG Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He, him, da bomb... Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Up and to the right Posts: 610 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 869 Thanked 2,341 Times in 534 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I've learned to take it slow and get to know each other. Enjoy the good stuff! Build a strong friendship, nurture it and let it grow into a relationship of love and trust. Don't rush it ..... Life will test it soon enough __________________ *~ Jar ~* No matter what life brings you, always learn a lesson from your dog ... kick some grass over that shit and move on

11-20-2013, 02:13 PM	#3
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,685 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000025	Two of the most important things I ever learned from past relationships: 1. My feelings actually matter. 2. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter. __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch

07-14-2014, 06:02 PM	#6
Femmadian Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: Isla Nublar Posts: 385 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,296 Thanked 2,400 Times in 362 Posts Rep Power: 21474848	One important thing I've learned from my last relationship (or rather, the dissolution thereof) is that you don't have to be friends with an ex. Really, you don't. It may seem obvious to some (or, well, most), but this was a hard thing for me to accept and come to terms with. I'd always been pretty successful in being able to be friends (or at least friend-ly) with all other exes except for one from a long time ago, so I always thought of myself as one of "those people" who is able to fall into an easy, if gradual, friendship post-relationship. It seemed natural (and inevitable) to me. Then after my most recent relationship and after many failed attempts at sustaining a friendship with them, I accepted the fact that it doesn't reflect badly on me as a person to not be able to sustain a relationship with someone I cared about after the romantic relationship has ended. It's okay and it's not a failure. You don't have to be friends with an ex at a personal cost to yourself. It's not a moral test to see just how mature and kind and loving and whatthefuck-ever you can be to them. It's not... and you don't "owe" anyone anything. I somehow thought it was a sign of being a Very Mature Person doing Very Mature Things to be the "bigger person" and keep a past love(r) in my life, even when it wasn't good for me. Even when it hurt. Even when I didn't particularly like them much anymore as it ended because of the things which had transpired during (and facilitated the end of) the relationship. I felt it was normal and justified it to myself with grandiose ideas of "karma" and "the better good" and I thought it was the enlightened thing to do (barring abuse) if you still cared about each other. And then I (slowly) realized that all that was bullshit. Each relationship stands on its own and is not (or does not have to be) part of some grand narrative of your life. And if you poured yourself unsuccessfully into trying to be a good partner to them, you do not then have to continue this and pour yourself into trying to be a good friend to them, especially when it does not come naturally. Sometimes the kinder, gentler, hell, even friendlier thing is to let go completely. Forgiveness, if warranted (and sometimes it's not), is something you do for yourself and does not necessarily have to have an obvious, observable effect in the other person's life who is the object of your forgiveness. A relationship with them is not a sign or signal of how far you've come or that you've truly forgiven them and/or moved on (though I recognize it can be for some situations) and it is not something needed or even necessarily wanted by either or both parties, particularly if everyone's being honest. Give up the ghost. So, in time I've learned to be kinder to myself and have kinder expectations for my own abilities and what I'm able to do/handle emotionally. It's about allowing yourself to be human and fallible and have negative emotions and experiences and not giving in to an internal nagging of what things "should" look like vs what they actually are. I think it's a good thing and a necessary thing and a positive thing (for me) to have learned. And to her, for that... I'm truly grateful. __________________

07-14-2014, 06:26 PM	#7
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Two of the most important things I ever learned from past relationships: 1. My feelings actually matter. 2. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter 3. Trust my gut instincts __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

11-27-2013, 06:42 PM	#4
Breezy Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: . Posts: 1,372 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,337 Thanked 4,555 Times in 1,199 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	My past relationships were necessary for me to have the wonderful one I have with Damon, today.

07-14-2014, 06:34 PM	#8
anaisninja Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: . Posts: 117 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 167 Thanked 486 Times in 93 Posts Rep Power: 6064352	Most recently, I have learned that: 1. Mutual attraction/sexual chemistry is a necessary but far from sufficient component of a good relationship. 2. It doesn't matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee; both positions suck and hurt in their own way.

08-17-2014, 10:09 PM	#9
AnAwkwardAccident Member How Do You Identify?: Trans* Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: Where the wild things are Posts: 190 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 123 Thanked 537 Times in 152 Posts Rep Power: 0	Trust your gut instincts. Actions speak louder than words. Set clear boundaries - if those aren't respected, leave. Don't rush into an being engaged.

09-04-2014, 11:07 AM	#10
SirenManda Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: . Posts: 257 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 162 Thanked 959 Times in 232 Posts Rep Power: 6492221	I've learned I'm allowed to disagree. In most of my past relationships, disagreeing with someone meant I had to change my mind or be quiet. Now that I can speak freely, many times I've been able to explain my point and he ends up agreeing with me over things. I've also learned people who don't seem concerned, aren't. We dismiss these things when meeting someone because of butterflies. Looking back, I overlooked a lot with people in the past.

09-04-2014, 11:29 AM	#11
TruTexan Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: in a one horse town in a large state, in the U.S. Posts: 3,952 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 5,266 Times in 1,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	1. that MY feelings are important and they matter and should matter 2. that if they can't listen and hear at the same time then for me its time to walk away 3. that if they act like my feelings don't matter and do stuff anyways that it's time to walk away. 4. that some people think yelling is a change in tone of voice doesn't always mesh with my definition of yelling which means at the top of your lungs. 5. leave the past in the past and stop bringing it up 6. that it's okay for me to stand up for myself 7. that I've changed over time as to what is acceptable behavior from friends and relationships 8. that I need to put myself first because no one else will. 9. to take care of me first __________________