Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[cinnamongrrl]

You're certainly not alone.... <3

It takes a lot of strength to leave even a bad situation....

I will likely post here at a time when I can better collect my thoughts on the matter...

[Sweet Bliss]

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

Wow.

Just wow.

Okay, Bliss. When IS it appropriate to talk about abuse and how to potentially avoid and/or get out of it?

Support is support and I'm sure, even during the holidays and probably moreso with the stress placed on people, that abuse occurs.

Maybe I'm missing something, but this feels excessively judgemental.

[TruTexan]

Thanks Gem, for reading my mind and posting what I was thinking .

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

You know what? This has got to be at least the third thread of mine where you have tried to tell me what to write or what to talk about. You even had the nerve to send me a private message once telling me you didn't like my topic and what I should write about instead. I believe your suggestion was, "Best pick-up lines"?

I ignored you because I couldn't believe any member would have the nerve to actually PM another member to tell them what to write. You are not a moderator. I don't know you. I have no idea what you problem is with me but get over it. If something I've written is offensive or in violation of the TOS on this board, a moderator will tell me, not you.

I know I don't technically have the right to tell you not to post anything on my threads anymore but I really wish you wouldn't. This thread was not about you or your feelings on appropriate or inappropriate topics.

I wasn't thinking about "the Holidays" when I wrote this. Do you honestly think I wrote about my own personal pain and opened up like that so somebody I don't even know can tell me it's inappropriate timing!? This isn't a Holiday board! If all you can handle is Fun/Fluff topics than stick to those threads and leave my serious ones alone. I don't want to hear it from you anymore.

*steps off soapbox*

Now, for everyone else who wants to have a serious, honest discussion about this, please feel free to share. This thread is for support and open communication. Understanding the red flags of abuse is incredibly important. It could save a life. This goes doubly in a community that often overlooks domestic abuse among same-sex couples.

[MissItalianDiva]

Does abuse stop on holidays? Is it exempt from occurring in Dec...Guess I do actually learn something new everyday

[nycfem]

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

[Teddybear]

the warning signs I can tell you about are as follows:

they isolate you and themselves from everything

the littlest thing sets them off

your always at fault even if you had NOTHING to do with whatever is ticking them off

Not all abuse is physical most of the time it starts out verbally or emotional which is just as damaging if not more so. who can see it.

My advice would be try to remember that NO matter what anyone else says U r just as important. No one has the right to make you their punching bag. There is help out there use it

I want to post more however now isnt the time

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by nycfem

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

Thank you very much for this. I think it's very important that I clarify that this post is not some thinly-veiled attempt to "call out" the ex that I used as an example. That person is not on this board. If this person was, I would not be here and I would not be opening this topic up for discussion. This thread also has nothing to do with requesting sympathy from anyone for what I've been through. My only intention (for those of who are familiar with my threads, I use this word a lot) was to start a discussion among survivors who might be able to help others through either the process of recovery or the prevention of a possibly unsafe relationship by understanding red flags and warning signs before the relationship progresses.

Considering may people also engage in long-distance relationships (myself included) understanding the warning signs before uprooting your life and moving in with someone (or having that person move in with you) could potentially save a lot of money, heartbreak, time, energy, and maybe even a life.

I really would like this to be a healthy, open discussion from here on in.

[The_Lady_Snow]

*I* personally believe that to stop the pattern or attract abusers is to learn out *self worth*, sometimes we end up in bad situations because we don't realize or accept our value and settle for someone treating us in a way that we should not be treated. Sometimes when we are in that space we miss signs such as:

isolation from friends and family

verbal attacks, twist on words to deflect off their actions

anyone raising their hand at you or threatening you

feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend

having to watch what you say or do to avoid a blow up

they try to control you

they belittle you

If you or anyone you love feel like you are in an abusive situation please call someone for help, get some therapy, but don't ever keep it a secret or not tell anyone when you are feeling any of these things...

[Sweet Bliss]

Abuse comes in many forms and disguises.

And it never, never, ever seems to take a holiday.

As some first responders will share, holidays are the worst.

Like many I feel as if I have received my full "share" of what I call abuse.

Every story is told from the perspective of the story teller. My story is no different. I can share what little I have learned on my earth walk. Maybe it helps someone, maybe it doesn't. I prefer to listen and encourage the speaker. Rehashing the past, telling my "story " has not helped me heal any faster or better. Forgiving, having gratitude, sharing material and spiritual gifts has been the best healing process for me.

Many "helpers" appear when I least expect to point the way for me in various forms. Books, quotes that folks here at BFP post, friends casual talks, weird movies, odd moments, something my grandchildren say or do.

Thank you for sharing your perspective regarding your experience with me. Noted.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

I was involved in an abusive relationship. This was several years ago. It was difficult for me to come to the realization that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. My biggest sign was when I withdrew from my family and friends. I lied to cover up for small things that the ex did and my anxiety was through the roof. I began working longer hours as to not spend too much time at home. I completely lost my identity and became someone I didn't recognize. Trying not to go into "war stories" but these were my signs.

Thank you for starting this thread.

[*Anya*]

My ex-husband was an abuser.

Since he is a bio man and is now married to his third wife, he is not on this site.

I really did not see warning signs but I married him at 18 to escape my abusive parents, so it was what I knew and what was familiar.

The first time he hit me, he backhanded me across the face.

It got really bad when I was pregnant.

The worst was when he sat on my stomach when I was pregnant with my second baby and punched me.

>>> Statically, 1 in 6 abused women reports that her partner first became abusive during pregnancy. According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women report suffering abuse.

6 months after my second baby was born, we split and never went back together. The day he moved out, I found a therapist.

I learned a lot in therapy about what I felt I deserved and what I was worth. I still struggle with those core beliefs. Hard to undo 18-years of training. Not impossible, just very difficult.

I have not been with an abuser since.

Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago for me.

I remember it like watching a movie that happened to someone else.

[Gemme]

Okay.

This fell apart pretty quickly.

The moderators are in place for a reason. Anyone that has issues with anyone can go to them. For moderation. Because they are moderators. It's kinda their thing.



How about we pretend not to see the personal stuff and move on with a topic that's relevant and worthwhile?

[JAGG]

Anger management issues should be a red flag. Getting inappropriately angered over a minor situation, and or not being able to wait for a proper time to discuss things. Lashing out in a public manner would be a huge red flag to me. They don't seem to care that God and everyone with in a 20 mile raduis knows they are angry. They take their anger out by doing things like drive way too fast and cut people off. There is a time and place for everything, if they can't wait for the proper time and place that should be a red flag.
They have intitlement issues. If they are wronged in some way they want to even the score. They are vengeful. Even in small matters. Someone doesn't take off fast enough when a red light turns green so they fly around them and then slam on their brakes when they get in front of that person just to "teach them a lesson".

The way they treat strangers and the way they treat anyone, is eventually the way they will treat you.
How many close friends do they have? How many long term friends do they have? If the answer is none or very few you have to ask yourself why is that?
If they are not close with their family on top of having little to no friends you have to wonder why. Now I know some families really suck and are disfunctional beyond repair, but you can't over look the fact that they have no contact with family and very few friends.
If they are what is called a job hopper. Can't keep a job for very long . Has been fired a lot from jobs. You have to wonder why. It can't always be everyone elses fault.
They try to keep you away from your friends and family. Or come up with reasons why they don't like this friend or that friend and don't you to be around them. You are both adults and as an adult you have to learn to get along with others . The better you can get along with people even ones that irritate you, the more successful you will be in life. As adults we don't cut people out of our lives because someone decided they don't want you around someone.You end a friendship or severe ties with a loved one because you decided that person is not good for you someone else doesn't get to decide that. And you picked these friends long before they came along they don't have the right to decide who gets to be your friend and who doesn't. But you have the right to decide that they need to pick a new girlfriend.
If someone makes a statement like, I am not relationship material, or you don't want to be in a relationship with me, I'm too this or too that. Believe them !!! And run right then!!! DO NOT ASK WHY and don't think you want to prove them wrong by trying. JUST RUN !!! Trust the universe did you a favor and count your blessing every step you take in the opposite direction.

Okay I hope that helped a little . I am sure I will think of more and post again later. I am not an expert by any stretch and I have never been in an abusive relationship, I have been blessed to have had many wonderful femmes in my life, a few bad apples too but never abusive. But I have seen many friends of mine, go through things, so these are a few mental notes I have taken through the years.

[Gráinne]

Thankfully, I have not had an abusive relationship since I came out, and only one with a man that could be called abusive. That said, I second all of JAGG's post, and won't reinvent the wheel. I also add these:

*I wish I'd paid attention to drinking behavior very early in the relationship. I'm not calling all drinking a harbringer of abuse. I am saying that someone whose personality changes drastically, who becomes angry when drinking, or whose free time revolves around drinking or partying may be showing signs of alcoholism at the least, and may be abusive when drunk.

*It's OK to admire someone. But don't do as I did and put someone on a pedestal and make that person a font of wisdom to straighten out your life. A non-abusive person will get back down and will demand a relationship of equals. An abusive person, however, will "know what is best for you" and you will end up with no voice and no right (in their eyes) to question them. That's a very powerless feeling.

*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true, or who is always there with a shoulder to lean on, but if you tell them you don't like them as a partner but only as a friend, watch out! You'll be called a bitch, or worse. I've had this happen with men, but I'm pretty sure a variation happens in B-F relationships.

Advice is really hard to give, as there are so many individual stories. I'd say trust your gut and your "little voice". If it feels wrong, back away.

[Kätzchen]

I grew up in a highly toxic environment (complete with unimaginable acts of abuse committed against me). So, for the longest time, after I divorced myself from my family, I made a deal with myself to remain committed to my own personal safety – but yet, doing that alone was not enough – as I learned over the course of three other similar toxic and highly abusive situations. But, it’s been awhile since I have been in a toxic, abusive relationship.

Technically speaking: The last toxic and abusive relationship I was in (which was several years ago now), was the tipping point which helped me to make better decisions for my own personal safety and well being.

Here are a couple of ideas from past experiences I can share about:

• If you have a close set of friends who know you well and they come to you and try to talk to you about sudden changes in your life, pay attention to them: Listen to them - try really hard to hear what they’re saying. They know you best and are acting in your best interest and are trying to help you.
• If you don’t have anyone to turn to, seek the assistance of your local DV shelter for counseling and support. Counselors and therapists who work with people who are in toxic and abusive relationships are highly trained professionals and will give you the best advice possible. Act on their advice, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Their advice is the most objective and seeks the highest level of safety for you.

Remember: Be gentle and kind to you.
Be the best friend you can be to yourself (first).
Know your own limits and reward yourself for making good decisions.
Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you (and listen to them).

[Medusa]

Abusive people often use the same tools to accomplish their goals of humiliating their partners, making them feel unsafe, controlling them, etc.

* Underlying currents of dominance where they try different tactics to control you. Whether it be shaming you for what you wear to limiting your access to family, friends, money, or a vehicle.
* Never taking responsibility for their behavior or choices. Instead, they might find ways to make it your fault or the fault of everyone around them and thus, will have an "excuse" to act out.
* Intimidation is a big one - Threats to you or your family. Trying to fuck with your job. Physical abuse.


There are a lot of good resources here:
http://www.rainbowdomesticviolence.itgo.com

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

both of these clips ring true for me and past abusive relationships. I tend to be a fixer. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the person that I struggle to walk away even when emotionally and sometimes physically unhealthy for me. I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship only to be left with the debt of a house that I am still affected by even though I foreclosed on it and walked away 2 years ago. That relationship affected me for atleast 8 years after and I still struggle with valuing my self worth enough to not let it happen again.

I'm working through that and have had the benefits of two wonderful therapists in both Missouri and in Oregon. Therapy is important to work through what happened and get back on the right track. Unfortunately having only been in 5 relationships in 18 years I sometimes still forget to put myself first and value my self worth more than the other person.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong point in our lives and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work out in the end.

I would like to also say that it is possible to be in an abusive relationship that is not necessarily with an abusive person but circumstances cause abusive behaviour. Either day it is not healthy.