Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Gráinne]

Thankfully, I have not had an abusive relationship since I came out, and only one with a man that could be called abusive. That said, I second all of JAGG's post, and won't reinvent the wheel. I also add these:

*I wish I'd paid attention to drinking behavior very early in the relationship. I'm not calling all drinking a harbringer of abuse. I am saying that someone whose personality changes drastically, who becomes angry when drinking, or whose free time revolves around drinking or partying may be showing signs of alcoholism at the least, and may be abusive when drunk.

*It's OK to admire someone. But don't do as I did and put someone on a pedestal and make that person a font of wisdom to straighten out your life. A non-abusive person will get back down and will demand a relationship of equals. An abusive person, however, will "know what is best for you" and you will end up with no voice and no right (in their eyes) to question them. That's a very powerless feeling.

*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true, or who is always there with a shoulder to lean on, but if you tell them you don't like them as a partner but only as a friend, watch out! You'll be called a bitch, or worse. I've had this happen with men, but I'm pretty sure a variation happens in B-F relationships.

Advice is really hard to give, as there are so many individual stories. I'd say trust your gut and your "little voice". If it feels wrong, back away.

[Kätzchen]

I grew up in a highly toxic environment (complete with unimaginable acts of abuse committed against me). So, for the longest time, after I divorced myself from my family, I made a deal with myself to remain committed to my own personal safety – but yet, doing that alone was not enough – as I learned over the course of three other similar toxic and highly abusive situations. But, it’s been awhile since I have been in a toxic, abusive relationship.

Technically speaking: The last toxic and abusive relationship I was in (which was several years ago now), was the tipping point which helped me to make better decisions for my own personal safety and well being.

Here are a couple of ideas from past experiences I can share about:

• If you have a close set of friends who know you well and they come to you and try to talk to you about sudden changes in your life, pay attention to them: Listen to them - try really hard to hear what they’re saying. They know you best and are acting in your best interest and are trying to help you.
• If you don’t have anyone to turn to, seek the assistance of your local DV shelter for counseling and support. Counselors and therapists who work with people who are in toxic and abusive relationships are highly trained professionals and will give you the best advice possible. Act on their advice, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Their advice is the most objective and seeks the highest level of safety for you.

Remember: Be gentle and kind to you.
Be the best friend you can be to yourself (first).
Know your own limits and reward yourself for making good decisions.
Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you (and listen to them).

[Medusa]

Abusive people often use the same tools to accomplish their goals of humiliating their partners, making them feel unsafe, controlling them, etc.

* Underlying currents of dominance where they try different tactics to control you. Whether it be shaming you for what you wear to limiting your access to family, friends, money, or a vehicle.
* Never taking responsibility for their behavior or choices. Instead, they might find ways to make it your fault or the fault of everyone around them and thus, will have an "excuse" to act out.
* Intimidation is a big one - Threats to you or your family. Trying to fuck with your job. Physical abuse.


There are a lot of good resources here:
http://www.rainbowdomesticviolence.itgo.com

[Sweet Bliss]

Abuse comes in many forms and disguises.

And it never, never, ever seems to take a holiday.

As some first responders will share, holidays are the worst.

Like many I feel as if I have received my full "share" of what I call abuse.

Every story is told from the perspective of the story teller. My story is no different. I can share what little I have learned on my earth walk. Maybe it helps someone, maybe it doesn't. I prefer to listen and encourage the speaker. Rehashing the past, telling my "story " has not helped me heal any faster or better. Forgiving, having gratitude, sharing material and spiritual gifts has been the best healing process for me.

Many "helpers" appear when I least expect to point the way for me in various forms. Books, quotes that folks here at BFP post, friends casual talks, weird movies, odd moments, something my grandchildren say or do.

Thank you for sharing your perspective regarding your experience with me. Noted.

[RockOn]

Grainne, I am quoting you below. What you wrote in this quote speaks massive volumes to me. When I read this, the last of my confusion fell away - everything became crystal clear. Thank you so much for your post!
You've no idea how much it helped me to read it.

-----------------------------------------

Quoting Grainne:
*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true ...

-----------------------------------------

By the way -
Please forgive my presentation style (or lack of) ... I am using a cell phone. And it has issues.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Brock

Grainne, I am quoting you below. What you wrote in this quote speaks massive volumes to me. When I read this, the last of my confusion fell away - everything became crystal clear. Thank you so much for your post!
You've no idea how much it helped me to read it.

-----------------------------------------

Quoting Grainne:
*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true ...

-----------------------------------------

By the way -
Please forgive my presentation style (or lack of) ... I am using a cell phone. And it has issues.

The emotional bank account thing rings true for me as well and I'll even add a bit to it: Anyone who does something for you and then turns around and uses that act against you in an argument or heated discussion is a red flag. "Well, I did this and this and this for you and you can't do that for me?" I mean, I could see someone being upset in a relationship where they were receiving no reciprocity but that can also be used as a means to confuse and control. Especially if you have no clear understanding of what's being asked of you or what you're being asked to do is in some way inappropriate in the context of your relationship. It's a grey area and hard to describe but I feel it's a red flag, even if it's one that can be easy to mask or hide.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

Emotional blackmail can also be added to this. You've "done something" that has angered your partner but they refuse to explain it to you, instead denying love and using this "indiscretion" as a means to justify further abuse. Very creepy and unfortunately, very effective.

[not2shygrrl]

Some of what I read here has been my past experience....but only once, not quite for a year.....and after therapy I learned to not ignore those red flags and how lucky I was to have gotten out of it in that time frame.

I want to add that people who are abusive will target others who are naive, non confrontational, accepting and more. I guess it is a form of profiling (from the abusers) and has nothing to do with love. Sometimes there are only brief moments of what feels like "normal"....and support comes indirectly from places like this thread, when read can also leave someone who experienced abuse to feel not so alone and that there is hope......of getting beyond it and learning.

[cara]

A few years ago, I took a great class on relationship skills through the Northwest Network, which is a Seattle-based organization for GLBT survivors of abuse. Here is a link to some resources on their website.

Cara

[always2late]

I think that the most insidious form of abuse is the one that is not overt, because it is seldom recognized AS abuse while it is occurring. Emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm or suicide, the abuser claiming that they are being victimized or even claiming to suffer some form of abuse at the hands of the person they are abusing....these can often be overlooked as the truly abusive acts that they are...and can be more damaging because they are, at times, tolerated or excused for far longer than physical abuse would be.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Please KNOW that isnt always the femme that is abused sometimes it is the butch or ftm who is being abused

Thanks for making this point.

I agree with a lot of what's been said .....
* Isolation from friends and family
* angry outbursts out of the blue
* the silent treatment for no reason
* putting their behavior on you such as accusing you of lying when there's no grounds for it
* not communicating which is vital for any healthy relationship

I've learned to listen to that little gut instinct because it's always right. I also agree that it's a valid thread especially this time of year. Lots of people are stressed and/or depressed this time of year and take it out on the ones closest to them.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

A good point. An emotional abuser can turn things around and make you believe it's YOU that's the problem. Some are very good at it

[Nic]

Something that always surprises me about abuse is the talent abusers have for misdirection. They seem especially skilled at shining light on the normal human stupidity and flaws of others thus making themselves look less culpable or even innocent.

Recently heard a group of people speak, in turn, about what it was like to be taken in by an abuser. One guy talked about not knowing that his best friend was an abuser and how traumatic the discovery was. He wasn't even in denial. He simply didn't see it because the man was just that good at what he did. Another woman spoke about being in denial and ignoring some things that had set off warning sirens in her head. Took her years to realize that the abuser she knew was manipulating her into doubting herself so she talked herself out of seeing what was in front of her face. One woman spoke about refusing to believe, despite seeing evidence every day, that a long time close friend was abusing his partner. Most of them had a story about a third person who pointed out their denial and several talked very frankly about either a pre-existing or a sudden underlying feeling of dislike for the person being abused which helped prevent them from seeing the truth. But every story had the same feature: the abuser was good at garnering sympathy for themselves, were able to sound very reasonable to friends and family, and were skilled at magnifying the flaws and mistakes of the abused person in a way that made that person seem easy to dislike or discount. They also talked about resisting the truth when it was presented to them and trying to find a way to excuse the abuser's behavior. Only about 1/4 of them believed abuse was taking place the first time they were told about it.

[Nic]

Originally Posted by Jar

Thanks for making this point.

I agree with a lot of what's been said .....
* Isolation from friends and family
* angry outbursts out of the blue
* the silent treatment for no reason
* putting their behavior on you such as accusing you of lying when there's no grounds for it
* not communicating which is vital for any healthy relationship

I've learned to listen to that little gut instinct because it's always right. I also agree that it's a valid thread especially this time of year. Lots of people are stressed and/or depressed this time of year and take it out on the ones closest to them.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

A good point. An emotional abuser can turn things around and make you believe it's YOU that's the problem. Some are very good at it

Well said.

My girl's therapist gave me a website to check out in order to read more about the experiences of other people. Some of the stuff is pretty hard to take. Had to tackle it in small sessions.

www.lovefraud.com

[Bard]

emotional abuse comes in a lot of forms I guess I did not see it at first possibly because of my growing up and not being wanted or as I thought loved (by my mother ). I stayed in a relationship that was emotionally abusive for 12 years and did not see it at first perhaps I thought I deserved it and in a way it was subtle. but there were signs like I would never show her my writing because she would pick it apart laugh. one year I was away overseas with the military during Thanksgiving and I called home and emailed I got fussed at for calling to early and told to make sure I used punctuational and watch my spelling. a big turning point was at her baby shower that I threw for her a co worker of mine came my Corporal and after she was worried enough about me to go to our Sgt because of the way she treated me an talked to me the CPL was worried I was in a emotional abusive relationship. the thing for me was I did not want to be alone so I took it my self worth was not there and there was a child our daughter and she could take her from me. MY EX is not a bad person and she is not on the site she would be belittling of us here her self worth is damaged to from how she grew up. it is a cycle .. that I will not allow to be passed to our daughter.. I grew from this and with the help and love from a lot of people here in this space I realized that I am worthy that I don't need to change to be loved and then I met desd and I was trying to be anything just me and she loves me all of me flaws everything

[Teddybear]

This thread as really made my brain hurt but not in a really bad way. Im am now able to see what when and by whom. I wont ignore the signs again.

Most ppl who get into abusive relationship had their 1st abuser as a child someone who was suppose to love, and PROTECT them. My first abuser was my father hell he still tries and in some ways is still doing it.

Im sure if he had been there when I was born I may not be here today. That is a truth I feel and Im thankful that I am here today and God willing will be here for some time to come.

I have been in several abusive relationship however each and everyone of them was different in some form.

One was dealing with mental illness and she really tried NOT to put it on to others however things happened. I learned to read her and tell when she wasnt holding together well. She refused to get help at the time. I finally had to go.

Im still processing the others. I have had to take a long hard look at ME. I have had to change things about ME.

An abuser KNOWS what to look for in their victims. They are professionals at it. They know how to portray this innocence that draws us in, makes us believe they arent who they truly are.

I am NOT saying we are at fault for being abused. I AM saying that some how each of us has just what they are looking for. They can find us in a crowd even after we have worked so hard not to be seen. Thankfully over time each of us finds US that deserves to be treated as we treat others.

I dont know the statics on butches who are abused however I know that men, whether bio or FtM, report less abuse then women. Mostly due to shame that is surrounding it. Most of the time it isnt even found out about till AFTER they have been killed by their partner. Most men and unfortunately believe that if they were to bring charges against the woman for being the abuser that no one would BELIEVE them.

I know that I have a lot of work left to do and I AM doing it. I know im worth more then I have ever been told by these ppl and one day I hope that I am able to have the healthy relationship that I WANT and DESERVE. I hope and pray this for every single person who is or has yet to be abused.

I know for me standing up, not letting ANYONE tell me what I can or cant do regarding my life is what I need to do to keep me safe.

There are resources out there. I have to say they are geared more towards women and really geared toward those with kids. Use them!!

I have had great friends thru the years that have helped me get out of these situations and I'm so thankful for that.

Ok stepping off my soap box

[Miss Scarlett]

As we all know, abuse isn’t always physical; it has many forms but is always about power and control.

Anyone can be the victim of abuse, whether it is in a romantic/dating relationship, in their family, at work, at school, or even in a friendship. I’ve been in at least one of the above and there are others here on the site who can say the same thing.

Discussion of the warning signs is important for those who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship. But it’s also important for their friends and families because being in such a situation often makes one entrenched to the point of blindness/acceptance.

People who are on the outside looking in, who have never been there themselves, often ask “If it’s so bad why you stay?” They tell us “Just leave.” Well meaning advice but easier said than done.

So why do we stay? It’s complicated. Some reasons: financial and/or physical obstacles; emotional fragility; neediness; desperation; denial; shame; guilt; fear of being alone; threats of physical harm to you, themselves, children, other family members, friends or pets and the fear they will be carried out; threats of “blackmail” – telling friends, family, employers certain things about you; destruction of your self-esteem; wishful thinking that it will get better or they didn’t mean it/couldn’t help it/not their fault/it must be me; and “Stockholm Syndrome” – the emotional bonding with an abuser.

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end. There is fear of being perceived as a failure – unable to have or stay in a relationship.

Children – in my job many people I encounter stay in these relationships because of the children.

Finances; especially when the abuser controls the money.

Sex can play a big role. Shattered self-esteem can convince you that no one else wants you but this person does. Or they can use it as a weapon, threatening to tell others about your sex life.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

Isolation from family and friends; abusers want you all to themselves. Remember, this is about power and control. Any positive, supportive outside influence is a threat to them. They will do everything possible to preserve this including having you break off communication with family and friends by convincing you that these people must be avoided because they are out to destroy your relationship. This helps to reinforce the idea that we will be unable to "survive" outside the relationship.

These aren’t the only reasons we stay but I feel they are the most common.

Speaking from personal experience, you cannot leave an abusive/controlling relationship until you are ready. You leave when you feel you are strong enough to leave and not return or you have had that “Aha moment.”

[StrongButch]

Great thread I am glad to see folks talking about this. It happens more often then people think and by people that no one suspects. Abusers make excuses for their behavior and can go years undetected. Thanks for this thread.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

As we all know, abuse isn’t always physical; it has many forms but is always about power and control.

Anyone can be the victim of abuse, whether it is in a romantic/dating relationship, in their family, at work, at school, or even in a friendship. I’ve been in at least one of the above and there are others here on the site who can say the same thing.

Discussion of the warning signs is important for those who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship. But it’s also important for their friends and families because being in such a situation often makes one entrenched to the point of blindness/acceptance.

People who are on the outside looking in, who have never been there themselves, often ask “If it’s so bad why you stay?” They tell us “Just leave.” Well meaning advice but easier said than done.

So why do we stay? It’s complicated. Some reasons: financial and/or physical obstacles; emotional fragility; neediness; desperation; denial; shame; guilt; fear of being alone; threats of physical harm to you, themselves, children, other family members, friends or pets and the fear they will be carried out; threats of “blackmail” – telling friends, family, employers certain things about you; destruction of your self-esteem; wishful thinking that it will get better or they didn’t mean it/couldn’t help it/not their fault/it must be me; and “Stockholm Syndrome” – the emotional bonding with an abuser.

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end. There is fear of being perceived as a failure – unable to have or stay in a relationship.

Children – in my job many people I encounter stay in these relationships because of the children.

Finances; especially when the abuser controls the money.

Sex can play a big role. Shattered self-esteem can convince you that no one else wants you but this person does. Or they can use it as a weapon, threatening to tell others about your sex life.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

Isolation from family and friends; abusers want you all to themselves. Remember, this is about power and control. Any positive, supportive outside influence is a threat to them. They will do everything possible to preserve this including having you break off communication with family and friends by convincing you that these people must be avoided because they are out to destroy your relationship. This helps to reinforce the idea that we will be unable to "survive" outside the relationship.

These aren’t the only reasons we stay but I feel they are the most common.

Speaking from personal experience, you cannot leave an abusive/controlling relationship until you are ready. You leave when you feel you are strong enough to leave and not return or you have had that “Aha moment.”

Yes. Everything you just said here. Yes.

And what others have said about abusers having a talent for misdirection and being able to "hone in" on those who are naive, trusting, and inexperienced. It does help me to read these words as I'm sure it does others. I'm so glad this thread is moving in a positive, healing, educational direction. Thank you to everyone who helped me steer it that way.

I also want to add that it's important to talk about abuse against butches, male-identified butches, and transgender folks as this is often highly overlooked. It can be very difficult to get authorities and sometimes even friends and family to believe that the abuse is occurring in this way because of preconceived societal gender roles. I think this is especially true in the case of one partner (let's say the femme) is pushing every single solitary button on the other partner (let's say a trans guy) that when hy finally does explode and verbally defend hymself, hy's seen as or treated as the abuser.

Everybody has their breaking point and verbal abusers are very VERY adept at hitting long-buried triggers and making their targets speak or behave in ways completely out of character for them in a normal, healthy setting. It reminds me of a bully sitting in back of you in class and poking you with the lead of a pencil 20 times. When you finally turn around and blow up at them, you're the one sent to the principal's office. It's a truly sick 'talent'.

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

both of these clips ring true for me and past abusive relationships. I tend to be a fixer. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the person that I struggle to walk away even when emotionally and sometimes physically unhealthy for me. I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship only to be left with the debt of a house that I am still affected by even though I foreclosed on it and walked away 2 years ago. That relationship affected me for atleast 8 years after and I still struggle because I don't value my self worth enough to not let it happen again.

I'm working through that and have had the benefits of two wonderful therapists in both Missouri and in Oregon. Therapy is important to work through what happened and get back on the right track. Unfortunately having only been in 5 relationships in 18 years I sometimes still forget to put myself first and value my self worth more than the other person.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong point in our lives and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work out in the end.

I would like to also say that it is possible to be in an abusive relationship that is not necessarily with an abusive person but circumstances cause abusive behaviour. Either day it is not healthy.

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

both of these clips ring true for me and past abusive relationships. I tend to be a fixer. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the person that I struggle to walk away even when emotionally and sometimes physically unhealthy for me. I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship only to be left with the debt of a house that I am still affected by even though I foreclosed on it and walked away 2 years ago. That relationship affected me for atleast 8 years after and I still struggle with valuing my self worth enough to not let it happen again.

I'm working through that and have had the benefits of two wonderful therapists in both Missouri and in Oregon. Therapy is important to work through what happened and get back on the right track. Unfortunately having only been in 5 relationships in 18 years I sometimes still forget to put myself first and value my self worth more than the other person.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong point in our lives and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work out in the end.

I would like to also say that it is possible to be in an abusive relationship that is not necessarily with an abusive person but circumstances cause abusive behaviour. Either day it is not healthy.

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

both of these clips ring true for me and past abusive relationships. I tend to be a fixer. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the person that I struggle to walk away even when emotionally and sometimes physically unhealthy for me. I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship only to be left with the debt of a house that I am still affected by even though I foreclosed on it and walked away 2 years ago. That relationship affected me for atleast 8 years after and I still struggle with valuing my own self worth in some situations even at work.

I'm working through that and have had the benefits of two wonderful therapists in both Missouri and in Oregon. Therapy is important to work through what happened and get back on the right track making sure not to fall back into the same unhealthy habits.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong point in our lives and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work out in the end.

I would like to also say that it is possible to be in an abusive relationship that is not necessarily with an abusive person but circumstances cause abusive behaviour. Either day it is not healthy.