Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Words]

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well),

Sorry, but I have a bit of an issue with this. Why use 'he'? Given that this is a queer website and that the majority of the members here identify as women, wouldn't 'she' be more appropriate (or, better still, the non-gender specific 'they')?

I appreciate that this probably wasn't your intention, but it just feels to me like men, butches, and FtMs always get a bid of a raw deal when it comes to the language we default to when discussing abuse.

Words

[The_Lady_Snow]

AABL: Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians: An excellent resource for battered lesbians.


Equality Colorado: Advocacy services available 24 hours a day for GLBT victims of crime: hate
crimes, domestic violence, sexual assault,and random violence


Rainbow Coalition Against DomesticViolence: Describes the dynamics of domestic violence, and includes the power and control wheel for same-sex couples.


Community United Against Violence Same Sex DV Bibliography: A list of recommended reading regarding same-sex domestic violence.


Annual Report on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Domestic Violence: A report from the Department of Justice regarding same-sex domestic violence.


Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships: A page devoted to lesbian victims of domestic violence.


Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: Providing community education and direct services to gay,
bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence.


LAMBDA Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project: : Lambda's pages about same-sex domestic violence.


What Recovering Batterers Want You To Know About Abuse and Violence: Good information about their behavior from recovering batterers.


Wolf-Island: A Magical and Protected Place: Support for gay male victims of domestic violence. Includes poetry, music, bibliography, personal stories and links.


DOVES: Gay and Lesbian Battering: Services for same sex victims of domestic violence. Shelter, counseling, support and legal assistance. Spanish speaking staff available.

[girl_dee]

Warning signs, Red flags etc....

Take note on how the person has behaved with past relationships. Even more, watch how they handled the break up.

Abuse can happen even after the break up. Don't think for a second that they won't do the same to you.

[Ginger]

I was in a big hurry to leave my parents' house and married as a teenager to a young man with a huge collection of exotic reptiles, including venomous snakes. He put a cobra on the couch next to me once, and it reared up while I sat absolutely still, and then he free-handed it and put it back in its cage, to give one example. I left suddenly and with only the clothes on my back and made my way, having done well in school no matter what was going on or how many minimum wage jobs I was holding down. I was having my period when I left, and he wouldn't let me take my purse or any pads, and I walked down the highway bleeding through my pants, and felt totally energized and unafraid. He also hit me a lot, but I always fought back. I do that, fight back, until I suddenly leave and don't look back.

I've had some very kind, very generous and good-hearted partners since then, but I've also had a couple bad eggs in the bunch, like everyone else. My downfall is that I wait too long to leave a bad relationship. I don't stay in a bad relationship and let the person grind me down; I stay in the bad relationship and try to use my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then I suddenly leave, having sustained and caused more damage than was necessary. It's such a relief to be alone now.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Ginger

I was in a big hurry to leave my parents' house and married as a teenager to a young man with a huge collection of exotic reptiles, including venomous snakes. He put a cobra on the couch next to me once, and it reared up while I sat absolutely still, and then he free-handed it and put it back in its cage, to give one example. I left suddenly and with only the clothes on my back and made my way, having done well in school no matter what was going on or how many minimum wage jobs I was holding down. I was having my period when I left, and he wouldn't let me take my purse or any pads, and I walked down the highway bleeding through my pants, and felt totally energized and unafraid. He also hit me a lot, but I always fought back. I do that, fight back, until I suddenly leave and don't look back.

I've had some very kind, very generous and good-hearted partners since then, but I've also had a couple bad eggs in the bunch, like everyone else. My downfall is that I wait too long to leave a bad relationship. I don't stay in a bad relationship and let the person grind me down; I stay in the bad relationship and try to use my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then I suddenly leave, having sustained and caused more damage than was necessary. It's such a relief to be alone now.

I know that my comments are terribly late, Ginger, but I was reading here today and came across your post. But the part, where you say, “ I stay in a bad relationship and let my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then suddenly I leave” is so like what I do when I see that my romantic relationship is not where I believe it should be or when I find out, like I have in my most recent relationship that just ended, that the person I love is having an affair with someone who lives next door to them: I just leave. I haven’t talked to the person I once loved with all my heart since we broke up.

I think what is hardest for me to accept is their lack of respect for me. I never really saw their lack of respect for me until I had the nerve to walk away from their brand (style) of communication. I see now how they manipulated me into believing they cared about me like I cared about them and their two kids and their recent grand child (who will be one years old on Sept 5th).

I feel deeply betrayed. I keep processing over and over again in my mind how I couldn’t see what I finally came to see, which hurts my heart deeply, but I know somehow I will just look back on what happened and see it as another learning experience that will somehow help me next time I feel myself falling in love with a person who truly doesn’t deserve my love or attention or all the many ways I show another person how much I care about them.

Thanks for your post…. It helped me today.

[Katniss]

I've been fortunate to have never been involved in an abusive or violent relationship (manipulative/mean/batsh*tcrazy mothers are a different matter.) I did volunteer for many years at an emergency shelter for battered women and children and much of the advice above is spot on. Two things I do want to stress;

1. If you are coming to harm in any way reach out to someone. Many towns have shelters that are not advertised and you would never know they existed. A phone call to a hot line and they can arrange a safe place for you and any minor children. I can't speak for all shelters but many may also have resources you are unaware of including being able to fill prescription drugs. Some abusers hold on to the victim's medication/inhaler/insulin as a form of control. No one is there to judge and help is available but you have to make that call. Which brings me to...

2. The most powerful weapon you can give your abuser is silence. They are banking on your fear/shame/guilt/whatever to keep you quiet. Don't give them that weapon. There was one client I remember who had a warrant out for her arrest, something small and I think it was "theft by taking." She was so afraid of being turned in that she stayed with an extremely abusive partner for three years. She finally showed up at the shelter and explained after a particularly bad scenario she confided to a friend who told her "I had rather go to trial with a fair judge, do my time and have a release date than serve a life sentence with an abuser." If people don't know, they can't help you, so use your voice.


I realize the OP wanted warning signs so I will re-iterate the litmus test for me....when someone swoops in and wants to "rescue" you...from poverty/a previous bad relationship/ill health/depression/etc. and they are almost more invested in the trials of your life than you are and they take charge of your finances/healthcare/therapy/whatever, and they push you to commit to them sooner than you want...they will indeed rescue you, from everyone but themselves.

Katniss~~

[Sweet Bliss]

Katniss you are a freaking genius. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

holey socks.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Thank you for the list of awesome resources, The_Lady_Snow. It's appreciated.

One of things that I have learned from abusive relationships is this:

Abusers will attack their targets but the most skilled abuser will convince their targets to attack themselves. Like a carnivore smells prey, the experienced abuser will be able to "sniff out" your greatest weaknesses, insecurities, and doubts and use them against you. It's terrifying and degrading and take years to fully sort out and recover from because for so long, there are no clear-cut lines. Your partner isn't coming home and beating you senseless while you cower in a corner. He (or she) is systematically breaking you down until you eventually don't even know which end is up or what is appropriate anymore. It's a very emotionally scarring experience.

I appreciate all of the warning signs being posted here. I think the key in all of this is that most (not all) but most people who miss what would be considered warning signs come from some sort of abuse or neglect as a child. I honestly believe most people who grew up in loving, healthy, nurturing homes will be able to spot these signs much more quickly than someone who grew up in an abusive home because it will look alien, dangerous, and foreign. And also, most serial abusers are drawn to this type of person because they give off a certain 'vibe' that says they may make an easy/unsuspecting target.

If you've ever asked yourself, "Do I have a sign that says, Abusers Apply Here"? Yes, you do. I've been reading a fascinating book called "The Wisdom of Psychopaths" which delves into the minds of people who have been diagnosed as psychopathic. When tested by being asked to watch say, a dozen different people walk by them, were able to easily pick out someone who was once victimized by a mugging or other attack in their past. It was in their body language and something they just couldn't hide.

Do people who have never been abused still become the targets of abusers? Yes, absolutely but I think it's a bit easier for someone who has already been "softened up" so-to-speak to make an ideal target.

I think that one of the best ways to break the pattern of continually being drawn to or attracting abusers is to learn the true meaning of healthy behavior. It's important to surround yourself with friends and family who respect you and treat you in a healthy, supportive, nurturing way. The more healthy platonic behavior you're exposed to, the more confidence you build up, and the more likely you are to attract this same healthiness in a romantic partnership.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been in a few.

But the thing that stands out the most for me is, well, me.

I am so willing to please my partner and my self esteem rests on ensuring that I make them really see how much they want me or need me so they won't leave. This gives controlling people the idea they can become more controlling in order to fix my life and sort me out.

Because most abusers don't really know they are abusive. And their intention is to control and fix and keep things low anxiety for themselves. And try to have others behave in the way they think is proper, right and for the best.

People who push me to act like a lady (their version) by slowly devaluing my own form of morals. This can't happen without my agreement though. I have to devalue my own opinion in favour of theirs.

They don't like my friends. They tell me why my friends are really bad for me and the manipulative things/wrong/unhealthy things my friends do. I slowly choose to stop seeing my friends. I get praise the more I do this.

They believe do it out of love, support and because they know best and just want to care for me and ensure I do the right things.

They start to suggest how I should interact with my mom and dad.

They tell me the best times I should study even though they have never been to uni.

I start to lose it during arguments because they are not making sense and confusing me. I feel when I'm arguing with them, there is no right answer and I feel trapped. I can't move in the discussion. So I shut up. I say nothing.

Slowly I start to get anxious about doing things just so. She used to be so appreciative and I really want praise from her again. If it do this perfectly, then she'll notice...

I start to crave the absent praise I start going way over my own boundaries and doing things like screwing over other relationships or work.

She starts accusing me of strange things that don't make sense. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. And I try to clear it up but it happens again. That weird stuck.... Can't say anything right without insulting her or being accused of something else. I'm just not explaining myself properly...

This shit happens. It's happened to me a few times. But it was also very much about me and my lack of trust in myself, my lack of self esteem, my need to have praise, to be with someone I really admire and want praise from, rather than real intimacy.

I slipped and did it again when I wasn't well after my ex wife left. I can have empathy for myself when I did that. I just wanted to feel valuable again after being left and I fell into very old habits. I wanted to be needed and praised.

I've now not seen anyone seriously for almost a year. I haven't dated in six months. I am taking time to really notice what I want to change about my fears. I'm actually totally fine on my own and I can get praise from school and friends and feeling good about what I do - praise from me to me.

I have stopped trying to impress someone. Or anyone. It's hard. But in doing so I have turned down two people that would have fallen into old patters of me care taking and pleasing. I have a sense of peace, just for me.

And if I do ever get involved again, I want someone a bit more sorted out, someone emotionally stable and someone who likes me to be independant, but knows I can be much different in bed

A friend again. I won't date people again. I'll be friends though. And the trust and sexual compatibility test drives will cme from that.