Poly-friendly mingling/flirting thread

[imperfect_cupcake]

Good boundaries. Very good ones.

after working in the sex industry I have NO issue anymore in telling people no. cause punters will hound the living shit out of you for free time if you don't have good boundaries. Everyone wants a freebie. even if it's just talking to you for long enough to jerk off secretly while they make a fake booking.

So I'm very, very good at not responding to texts if I am not up for it. I just ignore it. I pretend its a phone and I'm not home to answer it. It's a message, not a giant loudspeaker demanding my attention.

If I'm busy with me I don't answer texts or phone calls or emails. If they throw a tantrum about it, we aren't going to work.

the people it does work with, if they don't get an answer, they bugger off and go do something else.

I am not seeing or screwing anyone right now, but that is how I have done it. I am an extrovert but I do need my independence and autonomy and my me time. And so I don't guilt myself into accomidating other people in that time. End of.

If I don't do that? I have a mental health melt down.

[imperfect_cupcake]

(And this is also why I can't do 24/7 stuff. I piss top/dom leather people off who are into 24/7 or old Gaurd because I come first, then my school work then they do. Dominant who don't need me to be attendant to them 24/7 don't find this an issue. Also getting told "you're bossy" really? Oh dear. "And sarcastic" gosh. I'm glad you told me this. I'll get right on that.
I tend to not really get along with. Those who just laugh at those answers instead of cracking a whip I'm going to ignore, I'll get along with incredibly well. And those will be the ones I wind up giving myself over to, down the road)

[Ms. Meander]

I am much more of an introvert (except when I'm not!) and I'm new with this "effectively asserting my boundaries" thing. I've turned over a new leaf lately and am feeling much more confident in my ability to meet my own needs and make sure I am involved only with people who respect my boundaries, particularly my need for space when I'm taking it.

Admittedly, I have yet to be challenged in this very much since I've made some internal changes (although some), so I'm just bolstering myself and listening to other people's experiences. I'm not really a "Fuck off" kind of person. I like to communicate gently, but some people can't hear what I'm saying unless I hit them over the head with a 2x4. They get one big bonk over the head and a discussion of how this needs to be different in the future - then if it happens again, that relationship is likely going to end or transform to platonic friendship. I've recently had an opportunity to practice this effectively. Sadly. But it feels pretty great to assert myself and come out feeling good about myself rather than like I've compromised my own needs too much.

[Ms. Meander]

I'll also add that part of what took me so long to "get it" has been that my boundaries were all mixed up in power dynamics, and being submissive. What I am experiencing *now* is that I can more fully submit and enjoy my experiences when I start on equal footing and make all of my own boundaries absolutely clear, and know I am heard and respected. THAT's hot!

Plus, I might be starting to explore some more dominant tendencies within me.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I'll also add that part of what took me so long to "get it" has been that my boundaries were all mixed up in power dynamics, and being submissive. What I am experiencing *now* is that I can more fully submit and enjoy my experiences when I start on equal footing and make all of my own boundaries absolutely clear, and know I am heard and respected. THAT's hot!

Plus, I might be starting to explore some more dominant tendencies within me.

I love how you just put this out on the table to examine, I think that happens a lot in poly relationships, people have a misconception and people who have submissive tendencies, character, habits will fall prey to someone who can manipulate them to think that *messy* poly is *acceptable* poly.


Submissive.bottom.slave does not mean you get to be treated like shit, manipulated, lied to etc.

Thanks for bringing that up!!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Nor does it mean you are on beck and call all the time.

Many people don't understand boundaries unless stated very clearly. I know some people are conflict avoidant and thus hate stating them bluntly and obviously. One of my best mates and my flat mate is like this. She an introvert, quiet, submissive and very avoidant. She does what she's told in order to please but gets very pissed off when someone doesn't meet her needs. She often talks to me about how upset she gets with her gf who is very dominant and says things and does things that upsets her but she thinks the whole world will turn upside down if she says anything or says "no" - her no usually looks like her being slightly uncomfortable and then trying to smile and saying well... Just let me check on that. And hoping you'll forget to ask her. She hints at no, rather than saying it outright.

Then gets upset her gf pushes. Or doesn't notice that she needs to talk because she's hinting at it.

I've told her over and over she needs to point blank say it. But she can't. It terrifying for her. And since her gf doesn't know her like I do (25 years) and her gf is a plain speaker, dominant and blunt, she thinks Emily means what she is saying.

I'm not saying this is you. I'm talking about this because three of my closest friends are all submissive introverts that often lose themselves in relationships because of this and have avoided relationships for years because of that fear. Em finally got into one but has fallen right back into it. It makes me sad to see them do this. My one friend has three Doms but refuses to be in a relationship with any of them. Sex only. They call when they want her, which is about every six weeks. She actually comes and talks to me first if she needs to say no because she gets highly anxious about it and freaked out. Sometimes I have the urge to just grab the phone out of her hand and type "no thanks, I'm busy tonight." If I put a softener at the end of that like "too bad though cause it sounds hot" to try and not 'hurt their feelings' they will see that as an opportunity to say "well if it is, then say yes anyway."
I keep telling her it's still polite to just say no without having to explain yourself. She doesn't like not trying to give reassurance when she says no. But it often gets her harassed for it. I now don't give reassurances unless someone asks me for them. That was another lesson. And I now find them actually kind of irritating if someone attempts to reassure me when I haven't asked/don't need because it feels like I'm being "softened" or "pandered".

Believe it or not I was really similar in a relationship. Until I did escorting dom work. Then I was exposed to extremely needy submissive men with a lot of privilege. And it cleared up my boundary problem in a tick lol. Sex work did wonders for my boundaries issues, more than 9 years of therapy did, anyway lol.

[Cole]

Hi Y'all!

Currently single and open to poly relationships. Have been in poly relationships in the past and have found that I am much happier when I am not monogamous.

[Mel C.]

Welcome...seems kinda quiet in here but maybe if we keep bumping the thread it will perk people up