top surgery

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi all. I’m not sure which thread to post this in but since the initiating event is top surgery, I landed here. Please let me know if I should go elsewhere.

My partner is trans and is having surgery in April. I’ve been trying to come up with effective language to share this news with my family. Terms like “top surgery” and "T" and “trans” are not in my mother’s vocabulary so I don’t think “Hey Mom, partner’s having top surgery” is going to work. This conversation will also encompass a “Hey Mom, partner’s trans” component. I am not apologetic, but I am trying to be sensitive. I’m anticipating this conversation to be at the very least moderately uncomfortable and more likely quite uncomfortable and painful. (This doesn't account for coming out to neighbors, family friends, extended family, etc., which will almost definitely be much more that moderately uncomfortable.). My sister is very likely to be supportive or lovingly indifferent. One friend suggests telling sis and having sis tell mom!

Regarding surgery, I feel like the words “double mastectomy” are so loaded and cancer-implying that I’m hesitant to use them. “Boobectomy”, partner’s occasional description of upcoming procedure also seems not quite right. My mom does has some awareness of the non-traditional nature of our relationship (I refer to my partner as my lesbian husband) and my understanding of gender/gender expression as a non-linear experience (not in such enlightened, currently PC, self-aware terms, but in concept. ) I made her read Well of Loneliness and she kind of seemed to “get it” – whatever that means. Regardless, I’m still floating around in my head with all this.

So, carefully-crafted sentences aside, how do I tell my mom my partner’s trans? I am planning to do this in writing – partly for my own comfort level, partly to allow the info to settle in without me sitting right there next to my mom nervously awaiting love and understanding or rejection and grossed outness (or any combination in between). I’m interested in feedback from anyone willing to share – trans folks, partners of trans folks, butch, femme, TG butch, gender-nonspecific, queer, other, etc… How did you tell the people who matter to you? How do you feel about the approach you took? How did it go? Did it go as you expected? Better? Worse? Anything you’d do differently? I know every situation is different. I'm not looking for an indisputable formula, just thoughts and insights based on your particular experiences.

Thank you so much in advance for any replies! If you are more comfortable PMing me, please feel free.

[Rufusboi]

1) How many surgeons did you consult before deciding who was going to do your surgery?

I consulted with phalloplasty surgeons all over the world.

2) Who did your surgery?

I decided on Dr. Crane in San Francisco, California due to his credentials.

3) Are you happy with the results?

I am extremely happy with my results. My phallus looks natural and I have have been told by other doctors it looks natural.

4) Did you need any revisions?

I am going for my revision in July. The side of my phallus needs a revision where there was a loss of blood supply right after the surgery.

5) What procedure did you have?

I had Radial Forearm Phalloplasty.

6) What was your recovery process like?

My arm and phallus healed quickly, I had a problem with the donor site on my leg. It took about 6 weeks to heal.

7) Did you do anything to prepare for the surgery?

I quit smoking and began working out daily to become as healthy as possible. I am 62 years old and new it would be a hard surgery for someone my age, but I had no problems at all.

8) How much time did you have to take off work?

I work from home so cannot answer this question. Others I know went back to work in 6 weeks, but said they felt like they could have gone back to work earlier.

9) Is there anything you wish you would have done any differently?

I wish I had booked my apartment in San Francisco for 5 weeks instead of 4. I was not ready to fly home and endure long hours on the plane and sitting in airports. The problem was with my donor site not healing properly, if it had healed properly I would not have had a problem. You really cannot predict your healing time because some things do not go as planned.

10) What questions did you ask the surgeon?

I asked for his qualification.
How many phalloplastys he had performed.
The cost.
Pictures of past surgery's.
How long the surgery would take.
How long we would need to stay in San Francisco.
How long I would need to wear a catheter.
I am sure there were other questions, but I cannot remember them all right now. I had 2 friends in England who had the same procedure last year and they helped me with many of my questions.

11) What didn't you ask that you wish you would have?

Nothing.

12) what resources did you use in helping to decide what surgeon to go to or for what questions to ask?

I called many surgeons around the world and talked to them personally. I have friends who have had surgery done in England and Serbia, so they were helpful in making my decision.

13) What online resources do you know of?

Dr. Crane has a website and pictures of his past surgeries.

I hope this helps others who may be thinking of having phalloplasty.

Rufusboi

[DapperButch]

Hey, Rufus. How many surgeries did Crane say he did? Thanks for posting about phalloplasty.

[Liam]

I finally have a date for my top surgery, August 11th. Yay!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Liam

I finally have a date for my top surgery, August 11th. Yay!

Awesome, Dude! Remind me who the surgeon is? Psyched for you! It will change your whole life! The dysphoria drops like a ton of bricks( well, in that area anyway).

[Liam]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Awesome, Dude! Remind me who the surgeon is? Psyched for you! It will change your whole life! The dysphoria drops like a ton of bricks( well, in that area anyway).

Dr. Esther Kim.

[Kelt]

I want to bump this thread because some discussion on this topic is happening in another thread and pulling it off its own topic. *guilty* While it is in the trans section I hope anyone contemplating or researching this procedure would feel free to add their thoughts for my particular question.

I have a huge case of dysphoria both gender and body. I have seen over time a lot of people contemplating top surgery mentioning losing weight in preparation for it. Being as healthy as possible going into any surgery is best of course but it brings up a question in my mind. What happens if, after having top surgery, a person gains or loses a significant amount of body weight?

Breast tissue is known for its fat storage capabilities and I see when bio men gain a lot of fat they tend to get "moobs" but to a much smaller degree. If the top surgery includes any kind of sculpting/reconstruction I'm not sure what tissues are used. Given that I have wanted this since I was seven and told to wear a shirt in the summer, I'm surprised I never thought of this before.

The further question is; do you know or have you seen a person who has had this procedure go through a weight change? If so, what was the effect? Better yet, anyone here have personal experience you're willing to share? This would be either gain or loss of say 10% or more.