Talking to family

Ginger · 02-09-2014, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

That's a really good strategy, to start with the person most likely to be supportive, and move out from that base with that person as a tacit ally.

Remember, they might not all be supportive—but if you stay connected with that supportive person, it might help.soe or afew is better than none.

Red Dirt Girl · 02-09-2014, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ginger

That's a really good strategy, to start with the person most likely to be supportive, and move out from that base with that person as a tacit ally.

Remember, they might not all be supportive—but if you stay connected with that supportive person, it might help.soe or afew is better than none.

thanks ginger. i agree.

god, i just don't know how to tell my mom. i don't want her to feel that i've been deceptive. i'm not very concerned about other's reactions, just mom and sis. and a few others now that i think about it more. many of our friends already know and are supportive. it's just the nearest and dearest i'm so sensitive about.

DMW · 02-10-2014, 12:46 PM

Hello Reddirtgirl,

I remember you from the old site. So, it pains me that you are struggling.
The two of you will get through this. It is difficult to put it all into terms.
I actually wrote a few things awhile back. I will share them.

One step at a time and one person at a time. Don't let fear keep
you from showing the proper respects to those you deem worthy.

For my direct family, the sooner I told each individual the better.
It allowed each of them time to absorb the idea and reflect. It allowed me
more time to make myself available for their questions and their need to discuss. I tried to reveal my transition ,in person, as much as possible.
My second method was via phone call.

The coming out to extended family was written in letter form and mailed to each simultaneously. I informed them all because some would be seeing me in person for a family event. mailing the letters allowed time for each to come to their own terms with the idea and to talk to one another. And, later, talk to me in person. Delaying the mass letter mailing had another advantage. My direct family understood much more about being trans and about my personal feelings and thus, allowed them to explain to and talk to extended family.

Each person will respond differently. They are individuals.
I knew that I could not expect acceptance from anyone because I had to allow them the freedom to go through their own process of first trying to understand, ask questions etc ...and then accepting my truth or not. In addition, I had to respect that they had to be able to accept me no matter what and for some it may not be possible. And for the individuals that I knew would accept me no matter what, they would still have to deal with change. It's a big change but you are still the same person they have always known.
It is really difficult when you know that the ones you love will love you
no matter what. But, Red...you are not harming them. It's ok.

I would suggest that you tell your sister first and gather off of her how
to best engage with your mother. Talking to your sister about it first, will also help you. She will have questions etc. and time to think about it and ask you more questions... It will relieve some of the pressure and anxiety on you.
It will also prep you and give you strength for the next round.

My notes are choppy. Wasn't sure i was going to share.
I have not read all of the thread either. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can
share more. hugs for both of you.

Red Dirt Girl · 03-24-2014, 12:58 PM

Hi all,

As promised, I'm here to tell you how everything worked out with telling my mom about my partner's transition. I have to say, I don't think it could have gone any better. I'm so proud of my mom!! And I'm so relieved.

I sent her an old-fashioned, snail mail, hand-written letter. I prefaced it with a disclaimer that no one was sick or dying, and moved quickly and honestly into the main story. I won't go into the details of the letter unless someone wants to know, but according to mom, it was a beautiful and eloquent letter (look at me, tooting my own horn... tee hee.) She summarized her reaction by cutely saying "I guess I have a new son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law." Pretty great.

Thanks to you all for your suggestions and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Yay for mom and yay for releasing secrets!!

SleepyButch · 03-24-2014, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

Hi all,

As promised, I'm here to tell you how everything worked out with telling my mom about my partner's transition. I have to say, I don't think it could have gone any better. I'm so proud of my mom!! And I'm so relieved.

I sent her an old-fashioned, snail mail, hand-written letter. I prefaced it with a disclaimer that no one was sick or dying, and moved quickly and honestly into the main story. I won't go into the details of the letter unless someone wants to know, but according to mom, it was a beautiful and eloquent letter (look at me, tooting my own horn... tee hee.) She summarized her reaction by cutely saying "I guess I have a new son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law." Pretty great.

Thanks to you all for your suggestions and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Yay for mom and yay for releasing secrets!!

That is awesome! I'm happy for the both of you. Our parents know a lot more than we give them credit for at least in my case anyway. What a huge weight off of your shoulders. Whew!

Breathless · 03-24-2014, 03:27 PM

It has been my experience that the expectation of reaction is often much more scary in your head. Keep in mind, you have had time to think, process, and be rational, news like this first delivered can be a bit of a shock. How often do we hear the phrase, ' I didn't see that coming' patience, understanding, honesty, and some time to process... Your family loves you both, who you truly both are is not changing, just the body your living bits are housed in ;-)

Red Dirt Girl · 03-24-2014, 09:13 PM

Thanks for all the sweetness and support!

We are just 10 days out!!! A whole lifetime of wearing a mask and now just 10 days to go...

xox

03-24-2014, 12:58 PM	#4
Red Dirt Girl Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: PrincessPrettyPants, please. Relationship Status: Excellent. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: near the ocean Posts: 188 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 387 Thanked 265 Times in 94 Posts Rep Power: 4524911	Hi all, As promised, I'm here to tell you how everything worked out with telling my mom about my partner's transition. I have to say, I don't think it could have gone any better. I'm so proud of my mom!! And I'm so relieved. I sent her an old-fashioned, snail mail, hand-written letter. I prefaced it with a disclaimer that no one was sick or dying, and moved quickly and honestly into the main story. I won't go into the details of the letter unless someone wants to know, but according to mom, it was a beautiful and eloquent letter (look at me, tooting my own horn... tee hee.) She summarized her reaction by cutely saying "I guess I have a new son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law." Pretty great. Thanks to you all for your suggestions and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Yay for mom and yay for releasing secrets!! __________________ Red

03-24-2014, 03:27 PM	#6
Breathless Brat Extraordinaire How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Happy Tournaments Won: 23 Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Alberta Canada Posts: 1,412 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,549 Thanked 4,099 Times in 958 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	It has been my experience that the expectation of reaction is often much more scary in your head. Keep in mind, you have had time to think, process, and be rational, news like this first delivered can be a bit of a shock. How often do we hear the phrase, ' I didn't see that coming' patience, understanding, honesty, and some time to process... Your family loves you both, who you truly both are is not changing, just the body your living bits are housed in ;-) __________________ *BE the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi*

03-24-2014, 09:13 PM	#7
Red Dirt Girl Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: PrincessPrettyPants, please. Relationship Status: Excellent. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: near the ocean Posts: 188 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 387 Thanked 265 Times in 94 Posts Rep Power: 4524911	Thanks for all the sweetness and support! We are just 10 days out!!! A whole lifetime of wearing a mask and now just 10 days to go... xox __________________ Red

02-10-2014, 12:46 PM	#3
DMW Member How Do You Identify?: FTM/Male (Will 14) Relationship Status: Caught An Angel and she doesn't lie! Join Date: May 2012 Location: @ Posts: 784 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,256 Thanked 1,858 Times in 614 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Hello Reddirtgirl, I remember you from the old site. So, it pains me that you are struggling. The two of you will get through this. It is difficult to put it all into terms. I actually wrote a few things awhile back. I will share them. One step at a time and one person at a time. Don't let fear keep you from showing the proper respects to those you deem worthy. For my direct family, the sooner I told each individual the better. It allowed each of them time to absorb the idea and reflect. It allowed me more time to make myself available for their questions and their need to discuss. I tried to reveal my transition ,in person, as much as possible. My second method was via phone call. The coming out to extended family was written in letter form and mailed to each simultaneously. I informed them all because some would be seeing me in person for a family event. mailing the letters allowed time for each to come to their own terms with the idea and to talk to one another. And, later, talk to me in person. Delaying the mass letter mailing had another advantage. My direct family understood much more about being trans and about my personal feelings and thus, allowed them to explain to and talk to extended family. Each person will respond differently. They are individuals. I knew that I could not expect acceptance from anyone because I had to allow them the freedom to go through their own process of first trying to understand, ask questions etc ...and then accepting my truth or not. In addition, I had to respect that they had to be able to accept me no matter what and for some it may not be possible. And for the individuals that I knew would accept me no matter what, they would still have to deal with change. It's a big change but you are still the same person they have always known. It is really difficult when you know that the ones you love will love you no matter what. But, Red...you are not harming them. It's ok. I would suggest that you tell your sister first and gather off of her how to best engage with your mother. Talking to your sister about it first, will also help you. She will have questions etc. and time to think about it and ask you more questions... It will relieve some of the pressure and anxiety on you. It will also prep you and give you strength for the next round. My notes are choppy. Wasn't sure i was going to share. I have not read all of the thread either. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can share more. hugs for both of you.