do Butches /Daddys have the green light to be rude and /or bossy in public ?

[Mel C.]

I think words like "rude" or "bossy" are vey subject to interpretation. I don't want to be rude, but I do want to stand up for myself if I think someone is out of line, doing a poor job, etc. if someone screws up my order, for example, I might politely let them know but if they have a bad attitude, the polite goes away. This is my nature regardless of my identity. I don't like to be pushed around or disrespected and I will respond. I agree with previous comments that labeling behavior is up to interpretation...one persons idea of assertive may be rude by someone else's standards. That being said, I think the dynamic between Daddy and girl is different than that between strangers so interpretation of behaviors may be different as well.

[Jar]

I don't think anyone has the right to be rude or bossy and I'm not sure what butch/daddy has to do with it. I try to always consider that maybe people are really busy, stressed, have personal problems going on and are doing their best to accommodate me. I give them the benefit of the doubt.

With that said.....I can definitely get aggressive if I'm obviously being ignored as a customer or if someone is telling me I'm wrong when I know I'm right (in retail)

And no, I've never been told that because I'm not usually rude

I really don't get the butch/daddy connection. To me it's a matter of just everyday people

[nycfem]

My mom, who is always a good tipper anyway, tends to tip higher if someone is great OR if someone is rude or doesn't provide good service. She says, "They must be having a bad day or hard time in life." Kind of funny.

[Jess]

I don't think that being Butch or Daddy gives anyone a free pass to being rude.
I don't think it is "natural" either, so no excuses there.

I do think that the subject of "what rude is" versus "what assertive/direct is" is something that could be an interesting spin off conversation. I think gender presentation is an interesting piece of that conversation.

Living now in an even more context rich culture, I was recently dismissed from a job after being accused of questioning the authority of my (female) supervisor. The only thing I did was point out to her a couple of mistakes she made in the schedule. I assumed it was a simple over-sight and just said very matter of factly that she may want to take a look at it as it needed correcting.

Apparently here, you do not directly speak to people regarding their errors. I have no clue, honestly, how to do that in another way. I didn't say it in a rude way or make fun of her or even mention it in front of co-workers, so I truly have no clue here how to communicate a simple direct message. (Segue used just for illustration, not derail or discussion.)

At any rate, I think sometimes people need clarity on what someone else perceives as "rude or bossy" as sometimes two people engaged in an interaction may have very different cultural takes on it. Being directly aggressive seems pretty universal to me as it is usually attached to body language which are good "tells" in a situation. "Rude or bossy" can be more subtle as the words themselves are subjective.

Free pass/ natural? No.

Interesting conversation? Yes.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I think gender presentation absolutely has to do with what is perceived as "rude" or "bossy". I think in many cases assertive women are viewed in a more negative light. As in, stereotypically femininity is seen as more "weak" or quiet or mild or whatever. And I'm just talking stereotypes here. I don't believe them to be true, but I do think gender presentation affects where they are perceived to cross the line into inappropriate behavior. I also find that an interesting aspect of the conversation.

Also, I am in complete agreement that culture plays a role in what is considered rude, and what good manners are. I'm from Massachusetts and have also lived for a period of time in NYC. Both Massachusetts and NYC have their own standards of behavior and "manners". When I lived in the south it drove me fucking nuts how "polite" people were. It felt false to me. I am used to being very direct and assertive. In a way that I don't consider rude. But I prefer for people to just come out and say things and the underlying expectation in the south seemed to be--just smile and be nice even if you don't mean it. It completely baffled me. I actually missed being in places where people were "rude".

I don't really know how else to explain it, but I do think gender differences and cultural differences are relevant to the conversation.