Something horrible just happened

[anaisninja]

Hi, someone stayed with me overnight so I wasn't alone. I'm safe, but I feel shitty. This is going to take some time to process. I appreciate your kind words.

[QueenofSmirks]

Anais, I can imagine how horrible this must have felt. I'm glad you got through the evening and feel a little more grounded today, although I understand that this might sting for awhile.

This is in no way a judgment, but I'm curious about something in your post... you said, "For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state."

What led you to think at *that* moment, when she got up, that she might not come back? Was the date not going well? I only ask because if you had any inclination that she might not come back, then subconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, you already knew this probably wasn't going to work out or that the connection you were hoping for wasn't there -- and I mean that in a positive way, to point out that, although it hurts, your instincts were spot on.

I know it can take some time to rebound from something like this - give yourself the time to do so, and then get back out there and give yourself another opportunity to find someone wonderful.

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Anais, I can imagine how horrible this must have felt. I'm glad you got through the evening and feel a little more grounded today, although I understand that this might sting for awhile.

This is in no way a judgment, but I'm curious about something in your post... you said, "For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state."

What led you to think at *that* moment, when she got up, that she might not come back? Was the date not going well? I only ask because if you had any inclination that she might not come back, then subconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, you already knew this probably wasn't going to work out or that the connection you were hoping for wasn't there -- and I mean that in a positive way, to point out that, although it hurts, your instincts were spot on.

I know it can take some time to rebound from something like this - give yourself the time to do so, and then get back out there and give yourself another opportunity to find someone wonderful.

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

When my date left, after we had spent the day with me giving her a tour of oxford, then a lovely dinner then a few hours of sex, then me making her breckfast, I went into the tub before taking her on a walk around the colleges... to find her gone when I got out *RME*

she *did* write me, a few days later, to tell me why she left. In a nut shell she considered me a shameless and possibly diseased whore, that she had tons of money she would have spoiled me with, had I not been such a depraved and unfeeling slut, listed her net worth, then told me she would be happy to be my friend, with god's love. And listed a few ways I coould improve myself.

I was gobsmacked at the letter but laughed and howled and preceeded to pass it around to all my mates for a good chuckle. I waited two days before I ripped her a new arse hole telling her that I'd rather have the care of my slutty depraved whore friends. And to take her vile, judgemental, guilt ridden and lonely god and shove it up her arse. I then blocked every avenue she could get a hold of me through.

i still have both the letter and my response. I contemplate putting it on my blog for entertainment value. I'm tempted. It's funny as fuck.

seriously, people are apaulling in their mentalist muppetry. Beyond bad form. You know she is a twat. What else do you need to know from a twat save they are a twat?

It will make a good dating hell story later, after the ego burn has passed. But sincerely, she's a twat. There is no other reason.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

Ugh, I can sympathize somewhat. Several years ago, I was spending every waking moment on the phone with someone who lived in the next town, and she was very enthusiastic about meeting. Then literally, out of the blue, the day we were going to meet, she said she changed her mind and she thought things were moving too fast. Ok, I get it. I was disappointed but understood. But then she just sort of disappeared. No explanation, no return phone calls. To this day, I still have no idea what happened, or what ever became of her. It hurt at the time, but in hindsight, I'm glad I didn't get any further with the relationship.

In any case... hang in there... it'll get better!

[Girl_On_Fire]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

Girl on Fire - I'm so sorry that happened to you. The more of you say you've been through something similar, the more aghast I am at people's bad behavior. I was talking about what happened with some of my social work friends tonight. One woman's theory is that we've (the social workers) all been spoiled by being around people like ourselves - kind, caring, touchy-feely, warm - social work types. (I realize this is a generalization. But... we work in the helping profession. We are helpers by nature.) So our perception of what constitutes normal behavior has been skewed.

[imperfect_cupcake]

people that are so afraid of conflict/conflict avoidant that they do this are hell on earth to try to have a grown up discussion with. I do have close friends who are incredibly conflict avoidant but even none of them would stoop to that, so my guess is that she's a *real* charmer to the poor sod that lands her.

You'll learn to screen for more things the longer you are in the pool.

I listen to my instincts now, after 30 years of dating people, 18 of them lezzo. I don't make up excuses for other people's behaviours anymore. but that is something you have to learn, especially if you are of the care-taking sort. I did. I'm very glad I'm a hard-ass now. saves me a huge amount of emotional turmoil and grief and drama and games. You'll figure it out. Eventually, after you've picked yourself apart and glued yourself back together enough times and blamed yourself enough, you understand Your Shit and Their Shit and the types of crazy that don't mix with your own. And you call it, much, much faster and without the self flagellation.



ETA: I'm personally a shit date, so I know what I feel comfy with and what I don't. What I couldn't do is not what others would refuse. I don't go for the traditional date stuff, I'd prefer to hang out and act like pirates, drink beer and be rediculous together. Most girls want someone to treat them like a princess for an evening... you'll figure out what trips your switch and what sets your flags going.