Studs, stems, and femmes...OH MY.. :)

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by rbentley1904

I feel really bad after your pointed that. I guess where I am coming from and I have met quite a few guys who describe a lighter black girl and darker black girl or they just say I like dark chicks or girls who are white. I prolly have hung out with them way to long and just kinda started talking like them. Speaking of "darker chicks" I must say the guys I have hung out with, some of them, not all kind of expressed how they liked girls to be like black black like dark. Not someone to be of more a lighter color. And I got really mad about it. I was only close to a couple of the guys who said it and made it clear my feelings on that. But yea, sorry lady snow.

I have lived in the area where you live and am fully aware of how some guys speak about or refer to WOC as. It's pretty racist and ugly how they speak about WOC so unfortunately if set me off a bit...

I hope that if you do start dating WOC you do not refer to them as such, even amongst these *friends*.

[Lynn]

This is one of the few places that I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone. I truly wish you well on your journey of discovery, and I'm always up for an intelligent, well-considered discussion of gender and identity. But, the way you have expressed yourself is offensive to me. It's very hard to get past the stereotypes and, what I feel are racist connotations of your statements to actually offer anything valuable to your main point. I don't know you, and I realize that self-expression can be a minefield on the internet. But. Man. You might get more involvement and more helpful feedback if you would tone down the stereotypes.

[Bit]

Okay. I guess I'm officially a dinosaur now. *here, I'll prove it, oy*

rbentley, when I was in my twenties, *see? dinosaur, oy!* we had a word for what you call "stem." It was "lesbian."

It's still a pretty good word. There are no restrictions on what clothes a lesbian can wear, or what energy a lesbian can express... which yanno, is the whole point of being a lesbian: being free to be exactly who a person is, even if that changes from day to day.

I get the idea from your post that you chose "stem" not because you like it, not because it fully explains you, but just because other people around you use it. So when you say there are too many labels and that they confuse you, well, why not drop the confusing one?

You don't have to accept what other people choose as labels, and then somehow force yourself to fit into one. Choose one that makes sense to you, that resonates with you--or choose to be label-free, if you prefer--but this gender walk is your own personal journey and that means YOU get to choose how you identify. That's not for your friends to say, yanno?

Thank you for the apology about some of your earlier statements. I think quite often people don't realize that the way people around them usually talk might be racist or sexist. Understanding our society's built in racism and sexism is part of that gender walk, btw--in my opinion, a person cannot truly understand who they are and what that means without also understanding how society shapes us all, and what forces work both for and against a person's ability to express their gender completely.

I'm sorry that your family is insisting that you're only going through a phase. I'm sure my family thought the same about me. Eventually they had to give in and accept that anything which lasts a lifetime cannot be "just a phase."

[NorCalStud]

Dont be afraid of words...be aware of attitude. Curiosity/ domination....How do we walk on the earth? Are we reverant in our communication or arrogant... Above all...we....must...provide safe places to discuss racism. Imagine approaching each post with candle and insence and curiosity.
The younger generation ameliorate words. Thank goodness. It is part of integration. Yes words perpetuate general myths and we have to watch for that and continue to widen the circle