Corny jokes

MysticOceansFL · 08-14-2014, 01:06 PM

Q: Which part of the military do babies join?
A: The infantry.

MysticOceansFL · 08-15-2014, 02:57 PM

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

girlin2une · 08-15-2014, 04:21 PM

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
(Say it...lol). This joke courtesy of my 5 year old!

cricket26 · 08-15-2014, 06:02 PM

Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine.

Happy_Go_Lucky · 08-18-2014, 05:09 PM

Wrang1er · 08-18-2014, 05:52 PM

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints.

MysticOceansFL · 08-18-2014, 10:41 PM

ENGINEER'S BELIEF

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Happy_Go_Lucky · 08-19-2014, 09:10 AM

Happy_Go_Lucky · 08-19-2014, 05:41 PM

BestButchBoy · 08-20-2014, 04:08 PM

Meet me at the corner.

Venus007 · 08-20-2014, 04:34 PM

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side

Happy_Go_Lucky · 08-20-2014, 05:36 PM

girlin2une · 08-21-2014, 05:38 AM

Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
(Another 5 year old joke - I'm sure they'll be more)

Happy_Go_Lucky · 08-21-2014, 06:29 AM

Sweet Bliss · 08-21-2014, 08:36 AM

What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor?

Oh sheet!

Bwahhahaha ...

08-14-2014, 01:06 PM	#1
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Q: Which part of the military do babies join? A: The infantry. __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

08-15-2014, 02:57 PM	#2
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

08-18-2014, 05:09 PM	#5
Happy_Go_Lucky Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Butch who desires femme company. Preferred Pronoun?: Handsome devil you. Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Anywhere I want to be Posts: 677 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 3,365 Times in 627 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	__________________ Hair Pulling...... not just for preschoolers.

08-18-2014, 10:41 PM	#7
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	ENGINEER'S BELIEF Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

08-19-2014, 09:10 AM	#8
Happy_Go_Lucky Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Butch who desires femme company. Preferred Pronoun?: Handsome devil you. Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Anywhere I want to be Posts: 677 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 3,365 Times in 627 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	__________________ Hair Pulling...... not just for preschoolers.

08-15-2014, 04:21 PM	#3
girlin2une Senior Member How Do You Identify?: submissive queer stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: she, her Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Canada Posts: 3,827 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,752 Thanked 3,845 Times in 856 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! (Say it...lol). This joke courtesy of my 5 year old!

08-15-2014, 06:02 PM	#4
cricket26 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: must be love on the brain Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 1,598 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 979 Thanked 4,258 Times in 1,311 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine.

08-18-2014, 05:52 PM	#6
Wrang1er Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Me, myself and I Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Here Posts: 1,526 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 7,043 Times in 1,354 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.

08-19-2014, 05:41 PM	#9
Happy_Go_Lucky Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Butch who desires femme company. Preferred Pronoun?: Handsome devil you. Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Anywhere I want to be Posts: 677 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 3,365 Times in 627 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	__________________ Hair Pulling...... not just for preschoolers.

08-20-2014, 04:08 PM	#10
BestButchBoy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Male ID Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 3,925 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 406 Thanked 5,438 Times in 2,037 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	What did the ceiling say to the wall? Meet me at the corner.

08-20-2014, 04:34 PM	#11
Venus007 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Serene Highness ;} Relationship Status: Dreamily contemplating some outrage against conventional morality Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Houston area Posts: 1,362 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,417 Thanked 4,749 Times in 1,139 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side __________________ . "I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction. " Ayn Rand, Anthem "So you'll die happily for your sins. You'd rather die in guilt then live in love?" Timothy Leary

08-20-2014, 05:36 PM	#12
Happy_Go_Lucky Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Butch who desires femme company. Preferred Pronoun?: Handsome devil you. Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Anywhere I want to be Posts: 677 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 3,365 Times in 627 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	__________________ Hair Pulling...... not just for preschoolers.

08-21-2014, 05:38 AM	#13
girlin2une Senior Member How Do You Identify?: submissive queer stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: she, her Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Canada Posts: 3,827 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,752 Thanked 3,845 Times in 856 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Knock knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you! (Another 5 year old joke - I'm sure they'll be more)

08-21-2014, 06:29 AM	#14
Happy_Go_Lucky Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Butch who desires femme company. Preferred Pronoun?: Handsome devil you. Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Anywhere I want to be Posts: 677 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 3,365 Times in 627 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	__________________ Hair Pulling...... not just for preschoolers.

08-21-2014, 08:36 AM	#15
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor? Oh sheet! Bwahhahaha ...