Body image & your experience growing up

[MasterfulButch]

My experiences sound sadly similar to much that has gone before. To focus on school days alone, I remember:

• My first day at a new school, I was eight, I walked into the classroom and it went quiet. Then one voice piped up “she’s so fat”. I felt such shame.
• A housemistress telling me “you could be pretty if you weren’t so <she puffed out her cheeks in lieu of a word>”
• One evening there were a lot of biscuits left over. Nobody was around so I picked up a few, maybe five. Just as I was about to make off with my booty the housemistress came in. She looked from my hand to my face and just said “My God” with such horror it has never left me.
• The adults watching me through meals because they had decided I had eating issues. There would be a huddle of two or three of them standing across the hall, constantly watching me and talking between themselves. It got to the point I would skip meals and hide under my bed. That only made the whole thing worse.
• An insipid drip of messages of repulsion and rejection. Things like notes left in my text books or in electronic files on my computer disk saying things like “You’re so fat. Everyone hates you. We wish you were dead.” They used to watch for me to discover them and then struggle to maintain my composure in the middle of class.

I think that’s enough to give you the gist. In all honesty, I don’t think I’ll ever reach a wholly healthy state around food and body image. However, I’ve found a few books have really helped me. One in particular, Overcoming Overeating by Hirschmann and Munter, is one I’d recommend to anyone. It asks one particular question which I think about often. That was: “Imagine the atmosphere in the world suddenly changed and as a result nobody was ever able to gain or lose weight again. What would you do?” I couldn’t believe how freeing that was as a concept and by contrast it showed just how trapped I really was by my own thinking. Weight-wise I’m probably the heaviest I’ve ever been but actually, mental health-wise I am the strongest I’ve ever been. If it has to be one or the other then this is definitely the right thing for me.

[Gemme]

This isn't going to mess anyone up.

Nope.

Not at all.



The Perfect Body Campaign by Victoria's Secret

[SleepyButch]

In reading some of the other posts, it got my thinking about my own body issues while I was growing up. I really didn't have too many until I became an adult.

I was always a small kid, short and skinny. I hated being shorter than the other kids especially my sisters.

In elementary school, when I was in the sixth grade, they were starting to screen for scoliosis. What does that mean exactly? Well that means, you take off your shirt in front of all the other girls in the locker room and bend forward so they could check your spine. Well, being small and thin, I had no breasts either. Hell it was only the sixth grade! But, my twin sister had them and had a bra and so did a lot of other girls. So I was stressing out about this big time. I got up enough nerve to ask my mom if I could wear a bra. Well the only thing that would sort of fit was a training bra. I was happy with that. What a silly name right? Anyway, so I went to school with this bra on, went to gym class and took off my shirt and waited in line. When it was my turn, I bent over and the bra went straight up past my non-existent breasts and everyone, including the teachers laughed at me. I was horrified! I was such a shy kid and to have that kind of attention was just not good for me at all. That's why I wanted to wear the damn bra in the first place!

When I went into Junior High, I shot up to the height I am now between seventh and eight grade. Thankfully! I loved/love being tall! I played basketball and was made to stay fit. Same with high school. I was a quiet kid for the most part. Luckily I didn't get picked on too much. I never dated anyone until I was past high school. Just never wanted to date nor do I think anyone ever asked. I would fantasize about girls and not boys and didn't think it was right or society made me think it wasn't right so never asked any girls out. I had longer hair but I'm sure still had a masculine appearance even if I didn't try to.

It wasn't until my twenties that I started gaining weight. I think back now and not sure why. I don't feel like I over ate and I was pretty active but I do know that I hated it. Remember those small breasts that I once had? Well they became huge and I hated them. They were always there. They were always in the way. They just didn't fit who I thought I was supposed to be. So like many others, I put on the baggy shirts to try to conceal them as much as possible. It was about that time too when I started really letting my masculinity come through. How could I be this masculine and yet have these larger than life breasts? Keep in mind these were my body image issues and not necessarily the correct way to think.

Anyway, I lost weight, gained it, lost weight, gained it... and yet those damn breasts still stayed the same! Finally, about 7 years ago now, I decided that I would get a breast reduction. It was a bit scary but I knew a really good surgeon. I went through with it and no longer have issues with my breasts. I actually love them now. My gf at the time actually loved them the way they were and didn't want me to have surgery but I just had to do it for myself. Not one regret.

Now in my older years, I'm dealing with the aging body image issues. I don't have as the muscle tone that I may have once had. It's harder to lose weight. The grey hair was really hard for me. I didn't want to look old because don't we equate grey hair with old people? (I know that's not the case.) I always thought that because I would look older, no one would be attracted to me anymore. It sill shocks me from time to time to look in the mirror and wonder how the hell that happened but for the most part, believe it or not, I'm going to live.

Well, that's my story from growing up until now because really.. .I still feel like I'm trying to grow up most days.

[Rockinonahigh]

My body has never matched who I was,as a kid,before age 12 I looked like one of the boy's in nearly every way.I ran around shirtless and bare foot swimming in the river,climbing trees and playing ball regular boy things.My grand folks let me be who I wanted to be and were glad I was healthy cause for a long time being a very small preemie they were glad to see me just be happy( for the most part) and healthy.Mom hated the boy I was and insisted I be more of the girl I should have been no matter how much I hated to wear the clothes she bought.Then puberty hit,I felt betrayed by the body I had.This wasn't spoken about in my family cause mom had a thing that sex was nasty,dirty and something only bad people did..yeah I know makes no sence.I wen't to a private school that except for the winter I wore the pleated skirt,white shirt with tie,vest and blazer along with black or dark blue saddle oxfords that wasn't to bad.Only under great provacation I wore a dressed as she insistied I do,but the boy stayed close to himself through hell and fire plus whatever mo could do to try to change me.Heck my body just never looked girly no mater what it is what it is.She sen't to a shrink once and she ask why I didn't wan't to wear girl clothes,I simply told her I look like a boy in drag when I do and besides I look just fine in boy clothes.It use to piss mom off real bad when people saw my baby pictures when I wasn't in boy clothes cause unless they were told I was a girl they thought I was a handsome little boy.I know I weigh more now that I ever have 258.I know I am loosing it as I go just eating healthy and staying active as I can...I don't wan't to be skinny I like being husky,ya know what they say about us big guys.. more to snuggle with on cold winter nights.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I have been "husky" since i was 5 or so, but i had a different problem; my mother.

Oh she meant well, but i never had a real view of what i looked like because i was constantly praised for being beautiful, talented, smart etc etc etc. I always felt "special" and had friends, boyfriends and others echoing her statements because i am ok looking, smart...was very athletic, etc.....

By the age of 18 i was diabetic and still i was "special", by 40 i had my first heart attack, and...well maybe i wasn't ok with the extra weight. Years of yoyoing, and a second and third heart attack, bypass surgery and 3rd stage kidney failure...i fight that delusion of "special" every day of my life.

I have wonderful self-confidence, but i'll be lucky to see 60.

[Jedi]

I have wanted to post here but I just am not sure what to say.

As a child, I was pretty skinny and lanky. I did have the tendency toward a belly though. I didn't have issues when I was small. When my mother went into the hospital for the last time, she was there for the rest of her life. I went into my shell and found comfort in sugar and sweets. When I did good things, my mom would take me out for a treat.

My father remarried almost immediately. I had a really hard time with that. I threw myself into my studies and sports. I was very good at sports and I was fast. I realized at around middle school age I wasn't like the other girls. Being the new kid in a new place, I was targeted for teasing and such. We had to wear these ridiculous gym suits and change in the locker room. I was always a full head taller than most kids in my classes until high school. I was very awkward. "big boned" was always a term used for me. I'm built like a linebacker and my bone frame is bigger than my father's. It was during these locker room changing episodes that I found myself getting self conscious and the term "fat" was applied to me purely because I needed a really big sized gym suit.

In high school, I was called ugly but never fat. I played sports year round. I even ran in my off sport time......about 3-5 miles a day. I was 5'7" and weighed about 125lbs. and the smallest sized jeans I could wear were size 11 because of my pelvic bones not being able to fit a size 9. My younger step-brother would call me fat when he was mad at me. That hurt more than the kids at school. I remember there hardly being anything in the house to eat when I came home from sports practices and was ravenous. At one point, I missed my period for about 6 months. I never told my parents. I wasn't worried about it at all...I wasn't sexually active. My parents were always imposing portion control on me. I never understood why. They weren't that way with my step brother.

In college, I was very body conscious and started working out on a regular basis in addition to running 3-5 miles a day. I gained the freshman weight. But then my life took a huge turn. I became ill and was no longer able to attend to my studies. I was put in the hospital for being suicidal. I was put on psych meds. These meds ruin your metabolism. I have been fat ever since.

My weight fluctuated for years, as did my self esteem and confidence. At one point, I was so depressed I wasn't eating and got very skinny. My family and everyone was telling me how good I looked....no one knew how awful it felt inside to look "good".

As the years progressed, the weight came back. I have worked sedentary jobs and very physically demanding jobs. My body continued to change as I was stressing it at different times. The most body changing job I had was loading freight. I developed into a huge moose. I am very physically strong. But......the weight didn't seem to come off. I would step on the scale and be heavier than ever....although, my partner at the time told me how good I looked, I couldn't see the muscle tone vs. the numbers on the scale. I started dreading going to the Dr because of that damned scale. I still hate scales to this day and still dread stepping on them.

I went from a very active job to a very sedentary job and gained weight. The gf I had told me that she was no longer attracted to me because I got "fat". I have never in my life been petite. To this day I still struggle with my weight. But I have come to better terms with being "fat".

I hope this wasn't too scattered.....but I wanted to share......thanks for this thread.

[A. Spectre]

very slender growing up, called names like beanstalk, flagpole. bigger now as a grownup but still slim.

cannot change my body but lucky never worried about it either.

my buds tell me all the time how fortunate I am to be tall and slender but whatever. they say my cat eats more than I do. not into food at all.