Caregivers and Stress

[Jedi]

I give care to my disabled roommate. It is a lot to handle but the reward of helping her stay independent is awesome. I can't describe it. It takes a lot out of me lately, as the roommate I shared care with had a double bypass.

It just so happened that she came home with a dead chair and me on very little sleep. I kinda set her up at the tv and went back to crash. This person is not my family. She was just there for me in a really bad time in my life and when no one else wanted me around she talked to me. I don't feel as if I "owe" her anything. It just makes me feel good to be helpful.

The stress it brings is hard. Her problems are usually serious. Like falling on the ground serious. I've had to pick her up off the sidewalk because she tried to walk the dog without having her seat belt fastened. I should tell you....she has MS and is paralyzed and confined to a power chair.

It is sad to watch her deteriorate as progressive diseases will usually end up doing. My hat is off to all of you who do this as a profession. You are truly wonderful hearts.

[Cailin]

Today, like every day, I handed my client his pills- one by one- so that he could take them with water

him:"I sure wish I knew what all these pills were for"

me: "I have no idea. I think some are vitamins, for your heart and for you brain"

him:"well those brain pills sure aren't working"

could not stop laughing.

[Kelt]

Just thought I'd sign myself into this thread, it looks like I'm going to be involved in this world to some degree or other for a while.

I'm leaving in the morning for what will be my second trip to deal with the aftermath of my fathers stroke. It's a long commute, a seven hour drive each way, to go see what can best be done about a bad situation. It's early days and all pretty surreal at this point. My folks are in their eighties and I am the only child, they have no friends or community, and it seems my mother may be failing as well. I had to put my father into skilled nursing mid-feb and my mothers behavior in the facility has led the management to suggest I have her tested for dementia. I made her an appointment with her regular Dr for Monday and will take her to it as I don't think she'd find the place on her own.

I'm incredibly thankful that they have resources (financially) to deal with all of this, but there is much more to it than that. I have to find housing for my mother either way. She's okay for a week or two if I set up everything in advance and she only has to get back and forth to the facility my father is in.

She doesn't seem to do much on her own so I have spent the day batch cooking healthy food to take over and stock her freezer, loaded the car with empty boxes to put in the garage for her eventual packing, and made appointments to get things like taxes, income streams, and possible housing options lined up.

I'm in the deep end of the pool and don't really know what to do other than everything. My plan at this point is to try to establish some kind of routine, one week there, two at home (to deal with my own stuff) and see if it works. I know it will get interrupted and changed with circumstances but just need to pretend to myself that I've got some kind of handle on things. For this next week while I am there I will just focus on keeping moving and doing the best I can figure out how to do.

Thanks for listening.

[cricket26]

i have a mother who is disabled, and needs help going to drs appointments, a daughter who lives with me who is going thru a divorce and it is a very emotional process that put her in the hospital for a short time, i have a very demanding job that does not allow much time off (and the emergencies never happen on your time off anyway right?) my home and my car are in constant need of repair or maintenance....i am feeling overwhelmed....my niece is here for spring break and we are going to have some fun

[Kätzchen]

Although my mother lives hundreds of miles from me, we are each other's life line. A few years ago, she slipped in icy concrete at work, which set off a firestorm of health events, which brought out undiscovered physical conditions, which morphed into cancer trajectories. Simultaneously, I went into spider monkey mode in matters of support for my mother.

She is flying in next week for a medical consult, which we hope puts an end to the relentless paperwork generated by the original event at work which turned her life upside down. I am taking that day off to escort her to her crucial medical appointment and to provide what support I can give.

She has outlived several near death experiences associated with the original event. Her mind is sharp. Her ability to out wit problematic conditions inspires me and teaches me critical skills in how to solve problems and problem solve outcomes which have intended or unintended consequences.

I will savor our time together next week.

Sending lots of healing energy today,

[Kelt]

I'm back from my week+ in the land of weird. Surreal doesn't even to begin to describe some of what is going on, I'll have to come back over the next couple of days and vent a bit, I'm glad this thread is here, I'm gonna be a new regular.

Everyday seems to be a new test of how many hats can I wear at once. A sample day: waking up to discover my mother has decided the house should be 90 degrees : setting up the special hearing impaired phone that I ordered and had drop shipped only to discover she doesn't plan on using phones anymore :- touring two more nursing homes to make sure my father is in the best : finding more clothes for him and learning how to use the heat press in laundry for labeling : having my ass pleasantly kissed by a "wealth management" firm that is doing literally nothing for us (at $55k per year in fees just to be on 'standby') and assessing whether or not I'm up for this challenge myself : straight back over to the nursing home to work with PT on customizing a wheelchair : whisking mother to her Dr appointment where she forgot where she was or why only to have the Dr say she's fine to live by herself based on a questionnaire of course as we left she wanted to know who the nice man was : off to the accountant to sign papers that aren't ready : discovering the park brake on her car decided to seize in the parking lot >> REAALLY?? : get that towed and another car : to head back to the nursing home to learn about swallowing issues in stroke patients from the speech therapist : back to mothers house to put together a tv because hers has been broken for a month only to have her tell me she won't watch it even though she just asked me to "fix" (replace) it that morning. .................etc............etc........ ... Of course then she only sleeps about 4 hours a night because throughout the day she 'nods-off' every half hour and gets her sleep then, and when mother's awake...yep, the 90 degree thing.

I'm pretty sure there was more and that was only one day. After a week of those days I'm pretty much ready for the booby-hatch (her term) myself.

And of course at the end of all this the return 7 hour drive at the end where I come home to find the yard guy bailed again and I have no food.

Me tired...



Oh yeah, hates me for being gone.

[TruTexan]

I hear ya Kelt. Sorry things aren't going so smoothly trying to take care of your parents. If your mom is having issues with dementia a bit, have you thought about putting both your parents at the same facility? Often times they will allow married couples to move into a room together. Honestly, with your mom's issue with memory, I'd be afraid to leave her alone in the house, let alone drive a car to the store, something could happen to her, as I'm sure you are aware. I know it's difficult caring for parents, I care for my mom. She gets around really good on her own, but there are a lot of things she just can't do anymore and things I must do to help her. I handle everything from paperwork, to making her appts with doctors and taking her there, to making sure the house is repaired, the car is repaired, etc. Things I cannot do, I get someone else to fix them and have to contact my younger sister for financial help to get them repaired. My younger sister lives out of state in TN and wants my mom to move there with her so she's better cared for, but mom won't move there cause she don't like the hills and don't like the snow they get and blah blah blah whatever else excuse she can come up with. It's actually been a few yrs now that I've moved back here to help my mom. And it's cost me friendships and a love life as well because there aren't any gays here in redneckville small town in Tx. The few friends I do have all live in Austin or that area, so I don't see them hardly at all. I get lonely and bored here as I am disabled myself. I often wish my mom would move to TN to be with or nearer my younger sister so that I can have a life of my own and find a gf. I haven't had a partner in yrs now, long time. I'm ready for someone to be in my life though. I miss that part of my life. AS much as I love my mom, I want MY life back and let my younger sister who is married take care of mom and see how hard it is on me for while. She gets all snippity with me and acts like it's supposed to be easy to do but it isn't when mom yells and screams at me and acts like a child at times over stupid stuff and over her life being so hard. I have ptsd, anxiety, and severe depression and she affects me in a bad way when she acts like that. Drives me nuts. I've had to go back to therapy just to learn how to not let it get to me and cause me more issues with my own stuff. It's helped but I still get upset when it happens and takes me days to overcome the rattling it causes me.
I just wanted you to know, I understand what you're going through with the parents. Keep posting, someone is reading, I know I read often here and don't reply, but felt like I should with what you're dealing with. Keep on keeping on Kelt. Hang in there.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Kelt

I'm back from my week+ in the land of weird. Surreal doesn't even to begin to describe some of what is going on, I'll have to come back over the next couple of days and vent a bit, I'm glad this thread is here, I'm gonna be a new regular.

Everyday seems to be a new test of how many hats can I wear at once. A sample day: waking up to discover my mother has decided the house should be 90 degrees : setting up the special hearing impaired phone that I ordered and had drop shipped only to discover she doesn't plan on using phones anymore :- touring two more nursing homes to make sure my father is in the best : finding more clothes for him and learning how to use the heat press in laundry for labeling : having my ass pleasantly kissed by a "wealth management" firm that is doing literally nothing for us (at $55k per year in fees just to be on 'standby') and assessing whether or not I'm up for this challenge myself : straight back over to the nursing home to work with PT on customizing a wheelchair : whisking mother to her Dr appointment where she forgot where she was or why only to have the Dr say she's fine to live by herself based on a questionnaire of course as we left she wanted to know who the nice man was : off to the accountant to sign papers that aren't ready : discovering the park brake on her car decided to seize in the parking lot >> REAALLY?? : get that towed and another car : to head back to the nursing home to learn about swallowing issues in stroke patients from the speech therapist : back to mothers house to put together a tv because hers has been broken for a month only to have her tell me she won't watch it even though she just asked me to "fix" (replace) it that morning. .................etc............etc........ ... Of course then she only sleeps about 4 hours a night because throughout the day she 'nods-off' every half hour and gets her sleep then, and when mother's awake...yep, the 90 degree thing.

I'm pretty sure there was more and that was only one day. After a week of those days I'm pretty much ready for the booby-hatch (her term) myself.

And of course at the end of all this the return 7 hour drive at the end where I come home to find the yard guy bailed again and I have no food.

Me tired...



Oh yeah, hates me for being gone.

Wow Kelt. I feel for you. There is a LOT on your plate!!!! I'm guessing you are alone in this and that is not good. If you have no siblings, or at least none that will help, you are not alone. My brother passed a few years ago and this left me alone to care for my mom. I have since moved in with her because it made it way easier to care for her than from afar. But, i get that most people don't have that option. We, thankfully, lived less than a mile from each other so it was an easy option for me.

I wonder if you have (and please forgive me if this is redundant or too invasive) reached out to others...as in ...does their insurance company have Case Managers, Social Workers...do they qualify for Home Health and so on. There is a huge amount of help out there, problem is most people don't know where to look for it. Another problem is people may think they don't qualify for it, but almost all qualify for some.

I am a Registered Nurse and Case Manager and work with the elderly on a daily basis. Please reach out to someone, and feel free to reach out to me if you want to, you gotta get some help.

And again, you may have already done this but you should not be facing this along. No one should. Please know i am posting this with empathy and compassion.

In the mean time, i'll remember you in my prayers and send you white light and positive energy. We all have these "things" to deal with. The secret in walking the easiest and BEST path, is knowing our options....