Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by dixielady

Hmm... I've been posting in the mental illness thread, and I've really had to stop and think about something that is weighing heavily on my mind and affecting my mental wellbeing. I haven't been able to speak this "horror" out loud and in all honesty only two people closest to me even know about it. I'm hoping that eventhough I can't force the words out of my lips, that actually seeing the words take shape will help me. And I hope that this is the right place to post this. Anyway, here goes:

A little background on me: I may be a 5'4" tall femme, but I have always been a self-proclaimed "badass". I always stand up for the underdog even if it sometimes takes force. When I walk into the local bars I know most everyone by name and generally like everyone there whether they are gay, lesbian, trans, etc doesn't matter. We're like a family and they know that I will stand up for that family. When someone gets too drunk and starts harassing or bullying another person, they know that I am usually the one who steps in and does damage control. I never pick fights or start trouble, but I have no problem defending myself and/or others if I feel there is an injustice going on. I'm kinda fearless for the most part, in any given situation like that. Now, keep that in mind....

On the eve of Good Friday, I became the victim of a sexual assualt. A straight male thought it would be "good fun" to rape the "dyke". I am so ashamed to say that I was in such shock that I couldn't even fight back. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight him off, I couldn't do anything. I don't understand! Where was all my bravado? Why did the badass protector in me retreat? Why could I not stop this?? Why couldn't I protect myself???

I sit and I cry and I truly don't know... I always had that misguided thought that "oh, that could never happen to me" and "oh, I know I could fight back". And then, this horror DID happen to me. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it. It's like I shrank into myself and a part of me died while this was happening. The physical violation doesn't even compare to the emotional and mental violation. I just don't understand. I wrote above about my stupid little badass personality. Where the hell was it when I actually needed it??? Does anyone have any idea why I allowed this to happen to myself?? Please! Someone tell me! I don't understand it!! I feel so ashamed and so disgusted... I can't even force the words out of my mouth. And I truly wish that this was something that I could shove into a file in the back of my mind and lock the door on it. But I can't. I just can't stop feeling like it's my fault that I couldn't stop it...

First, I'm very sorry that this happened. Please stop being so hard on yourself. This is a very horrible thing that has happened to you. TO you. It does not, in any way, define who you are or what you are made of.

If it happened to someone you loved, would you think it was their fault? Of course not and this was not your fault in any way, shape or form.

Second, most everyone knows about the fight or flight survival instincts. Not everyone knows that there is another 'f'...freeze. It sounds like that is what you did and it was instinctual and it did what it was designed to do...keep you alive. Though I don't know you in real time, I can honestly say that I am very happy for that and I'm sure your family and friends feel the same way.

Strength is not always found one fell swoop but in the journey afterwards. Many blessings to you and thank you for being brave enough to post your story.