Bed Side Preference and Dominance

[NitroChrys_Butch]

In bed, it would be the left side.

It is also closest to the door.

Our bed, with its massive wall unit surrounding the king-sized bed, is centered on the wall with about two feet on either side. The wall unit has built in compartments and night stand tops that drop down with built-in lights. It is very cool. With drawers on both sides under the mattress.

I have always slept closet to the door and I suppose it was a subconscious decision to protect whomever. Now I protect My wife. With My life. God help the stupid SOB that comes into our home.

The nice thing about this wall unit is is the secret compartment that houses two loaded guns. It is always locked but the key is within easy reach.

[ahk]

Interesting stuff-

For myself- I really don't give a crap what side I sleep on. For the past 6 years I've been on the left side of the bed- except for a small period when I had hand surgery on right side and I needed to trade. When I was all healed, back to the left I went.

I am nearest to the door, the bathroom, I'm left handed but dominant in my right, I tend to sleep on my stomach so neither side sleeper, but tend to face out to the left, not much a cuddler, unless we've had 2am sex or a weird dream. Our lil fuzzy butts sleep in their assigned areas of bed. Go figure.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?
Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

But in either case, it didn't matter what side of the bed any of us were on. We were all needed.

And it's just nothing I ever worry about. I asked my mates, out of curiosity, and their answer was no. Save two people we had some anxiety issues. But these are all people in vancouver, Calgary, toronto, london, oxoford, amsterdam, koln, and Christchurch.

Is this a states thing? Or?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?

Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

Priceless (and so spot on).

You know (N.) Americans, and the legacy of thought that we always need to be at the ready to defend ourselves (mostly seen in places where there is the least amount of crime). We all have our shotguns next to the door, too.


(IC, thanks for the bursting out laughter this morning. Your delivery was great.)

[randrum]

It's funny. I never thought about this until reading this thread. But I do have a side of the bed.

When sleeping with a partner, I've always slept nearest to the door. Just sort of naturally (unconsciously) gravitated there.

But currently only my dog shares my bed. And I have noticed (and commented to other people) that he always positions himself between me and the door. Guess he thinks it's his job to protect me.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?
Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

But in either case, it didn't matter what side of the bed any of us were on. We were all needed.

And it's just nothing I ever worry about. I asked my mates, out of curiosity, and their answer was no. Save two people we had some anxiety issues. But these are all people in vancouver, Calgary, toronto, london, oxoford, amsterdam, koln, and Christchurch.

Is this a states thing? Or?

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Priceless (and so spot on).

You know (N.) Americans, and the legacy of thought that we always need to be at the ready to defend ourselves (mostly seen in places where there is the least amount of crime). We all have our shotguns next to the door, too.


(IC, thanks for the bursting out laughter this morning. Your delivery was great.)

Dapper, I'm surprised at you!

cupcake, it depends on where you live. Sure, some people have a 'protective' instinct regardless of gender or identity but I imagine it comes down to life experience for many.

Some live in high crime areas, so yes, an intrusion might be a possibility. You yourself said it's happened to you twice. As an adult, it has not happened to me at all. *knock on wood*

Also, I would imagine there's the emotional and psychological component. In a lot of situations, especially with butches, FTMS, transguys and others who do not or could not 'hide' their orientation, prejudice plays a part. We all know that people will often step to our partners, brothers and sisters and be ugly with hate. It can promote an 'us vs. them' mentality which may play into it.

I know that I am fiercely protective of my personal space. It's my adult womb, I guess you could say. And, for many, the core of that womb is the bedroom. It's a place of intimacy and vulnerability that we share with our life partners. Who wants an uninvited someone to penetrate that sanctity?

I hope I'm making sense.

[imperfect_cupcake]

But even though it's happened twice I highly ever doubt it would happen again. And my butch partners don't seem to feel they have to protect me in their own home. I did say I asked all my friends who aren't americans and no, none of them say it crosses their mind. London has some very high crime rates. No one there that I'm friends with thinks about this.

I'm going to assume this is an American thing I won't get.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I find it to be a one dimensional, binary, sexist, machismo kind of thing... I don't subscribe to things that put women, feminine, Femme in weak like spotlight.. When I go to sleep the last thing I do is make it about my natural Dominance, I just wanna go to sleep... Where I sleep isn't going to deter a person who is breaking and entering.. It's not the way I roll, so what others do isn't a priority until generalizing happens and when Dominance gets thrown around into very stereotyped generalizations..


As Dapper stated it could be as simple as being in defensive mode at all times, it's like being in the hood 24/7, even then I'm like how many of us do live that experience, cause in reality one's to busy surviving to worry about Dominant status, if the ghetto birds are flying over us after gun shots, Dominance isn't the main issue, making sure the house is on lock down is first thought..

Hope that makes sense

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Do people really have a lot of strangers coming into the house in the middle of the night?
Its just nothing I ever worry about. It's only happened twice in my life and both times it wasn't just one person subduing the guy, it was all of us. Save the one calling the police.

But in either case, it didn't matter what side of the bed any of us were on. We were all needed.

And it's just nothing I ever worry about. I asked my mates, out of curiosity, and their answer was no. Save two people we had some anxiety issues. But these are all people in vancouver, Calgary, toronto, london, oxoford, amsterdam, koln, and Christchurch.

Is this a states thing? Or?

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm not sure how being a butch, Transguy or FTM fits this bed behavior.. I've not had someone tell me that because they are xyz I gotta sleep in the submissive side of the bed, I'd laugh and would have to remind whomever that I'm WAYYYYY stronger (cause I normally am) than anyone...

How did you come up with those statistics? I'm curious...

This whole bed thing is interesting, cause the bed is for sleeping, fucking and I've yet to equate it to my hood, safety, or Dominance..

Unless... Bullets are flying then furniture placement is important, but hell even then bullets pierce walls, ain't no Dominance in the world that's going to stop a bullet without someone getting hurt or killed..

[TruTexan]

For ME and ME ONLY, it's because of my up bringing, it's natural thing for me to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door. I don't like anyone coming into my personal room without being invited. Yes, there are a lot of break-ins in the US and I"m sorta fearful of that. Whether I'm partnered or not, I still sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door, I can hear better towards the rest of my apt. I sleep with my door open as well. When I had my dog for 12 yrs, he slept in the door way of my bedroom and the living room which was nearest the front door. FOR ME, it's become a security thing since I was a child. I'm a natural caretaker, and I would feel better knowing that I'm closest to the door incase someone did come in uninvited. I had that happen when I was 18 and living on my own in an apt. The neighbor downstairs , a young woman, was intruded upon during sleep and was raped. The rapist came back to our apts and broke into my apt front door by removing the slatted window glass on my door. I met him coming into my bedroom, standing behind the door holding a bat in my hands, waited for him to step into my room and bam, I beat the hell outta that guy with my bat. Then when he was unconscious, I called the police, and they arrested him for breaking and entering on my apt. They later called in the young woman downstairs to a line-up to see if she could ID him as her rapist...........She did. She wasn't home the night my apt. was broken into, but I'm sure that guy had a headache the size of Texas when I finally stopped beating his ass.
There is for ME , a huge reason I stay in protected mode most of the time, it has to do with how I was treated as a child and teenager growing up. Abuse is that very reason. So, because of that, I still live in protected mode and can't stand to NOT know my surroundings at all times. I know it's not everyone that sleeps near the door that has MY reasons, each of us has our own reasons. Just because you asked a few friends where you've lived that said no, doesn't mean there aren't others in London and other places you've lived that wouldn't say Yes. I don't know what it has to do with Dominance , it doesn't for me. It's just a protective thing.

My brand of dominance says fuck sleeping nearest the door I'm putting my personal, skin covered draft excluder between me and the door, maybe at the door!

[Femmadian]

With all due respect, I think it's particularly cold to
1) Make fun of people for not feeling safe in their community and
2) Make fun of them for the ways they choose to protect themselves and the people they love

Obviously, as Gemme said, people's reactions to this will be coloured by their own personal experiences and different people just react differently to the same situations. If you don't feel the need to protect yourself like they do, fine, but have a little respect.

I don't think it's wholly an American thing. I know several couples, both same and opposite sex ones, in my Canadian neck of the woods who sleep in a certain position or proximity to the door in order to protect the ones important to them should the need arise. As far as I know, for them it has nothing to do with sexual dominance. While some of it does seem to fall on traditional gender or sex roles, I think a lot of it just has to do with one person recognizing that they're bigger, stronger, whatever and better able to fight off a would-be attacker than the person beside them. My mother did this with me when she was a single mother and we shared a bed. I did the same for my younger sister when my mother worked nights and it was my place to be the responsible, protective one. It doesn't mean that the protective person looks down on the other person or is acting out some macho role playing. In my experience, it just means that a desire to protect those who are important to you or not as physically strong as you (which is not in and of itself a value judgment and not something I believe needs to be skewered).

Furthermore, one thing I think people are perhaps overlooking is that not everyone has faith in their local police force. Many of us, through personal experience, have come to realize that the police in our communities cannot be relied upon and are often the aggressors, not the saviours the culture would sometimes have us believe. Just in my local community, an officer was recently given his job back after being charged with abuse of resources, assault, false arrest, and threatening to personally decapitate someone he thought was involved in a break-in at his house. I have had friends who have been dismissed and even laughed at when the police thought they were out of earshot when they came to report their rapes. I know people personally who have been beaten so badly by rogue police officers that they were hospitalized with broken bones and concussions. We have the highest rape rate and the lowest conviction rate in the country and the police response to peaceful protestors in a neighbouring community was so abhorrent it made international news and was even shown on Democracy Now.

Do I trust them to protect me if I need them in that environment? Fuck no.

Your backyard is not my backyard.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Ok. I guess I just don't know of anyone - cause I asked my mates in big cities and mega cities, where all the high frequency of crime is - and they said no, it doesn't even occur to them that after locking up for the night they might need to protect or be protected or protect themselves in their homes.

Since I didn't ask any americans in mega cities, i provisionally passed this off as just an American thing, a cultural trait. People tease me about canuck stuff, I laugh and I know it's not meant to be cruel at all.

Perhaps it's my sense of humour. I was teasing. Not "mocking cruelly". Perhaps that didn't come through for some people.

I assumed because of the gun culture, that was the reason or something. Who knows. I don't get it. I haven't. Met anyone in large urban places (or the few tiny towns I've lives in) that feels that way. I just assumed it was an American cultural thing to do with property or something. Yep, two people have come into my space. Once as kid - a Gorky teen from down the block and my mom got up and told him to get the fuck home and she was calling his mother. And the other when I lived in a drug heavy couple of blocks in vancouver, a guy came through the window armed with a 2x4 and we (two girls and a guy) all lept on him and got the plank off him while another bloke called the cops.

He was off his tits on something, so not exactly a movie style us home invasion of creepy dude with full weaponry and us having a panic room. Yes, I do think that kind of mentality is bizarre. Sorry, but I do. But then I don't live in the states so I'm not surrounded by it all the time. Anyway, plank taken away from dude and he was sat on till cops came. We didn't hurt him, there was no need for that kind of stuff. His was high as a fart is all.

I have had friends in London hear someone jiggling about outside but opening the window and yelling "OI PISS OFF" did the trick. There are oodles of break ins in London. It's *London* ffs. The cops don't have time to show up for robberies.

People who break into houses don't actually want to be there when you are there, they certainly don't want to risk waking you up by going into your bedroom (I knew people who did B&E in my late teens and they case your house for when you *arent* there) And you are *way*,waymore likely to get raped by someone you know.

So I figured maybe it was an American thing for so many people to feel the need to be protected in bed/protect in bed, rather than a one or two off from bad experience.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If it's a private and personal thing, sure. Get it. But if a whole group of people feel it, then it's not a private personal thing anymore. It's cultural and I don't get it. That's all I'm saying. If it makes you happy. Have at it. Not saying anyone is a bad person. Just think it's odd. I have been teased about my cultural traits all the time. When you are a foreigner, that rather happens several times a day lol. It's not meant in harm or cruelty.

No worries. Back to your regularly programmed bed thread.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

Furthermore, one thing I think people are perhaps overlooking is that not everyone has faith in their local police force. Many of us, through personal experience, have come to realize that the police in our communities cannot be relied upon and are often the aggressors, not the saviours the culture would sometimes have us believe. Just in my local community, an officer was recently given his job back after being charged with abuse of resources, assault, false arrest, and threatening to personally decapitate someone he thought was involved in a break-in at his house. I have had friends who have been dismissed and even laughed at when the police thought they were out of earshot when they came to report their rapes. I know people personally who have been beaten so badly by rogue police officers that they were hospitalized with broken bones and concussions. We have the highest rape rate and the lowest conviction rate in the country and the police response to peaceful protestors in a neighbouring community was so abhorrent it made international news and was even shown on Democracy Now.

Do I trust them to protect me if I need them in that environment? Fuck no.

Your backyard is not my backyard.

I think it all depends where you live when it comes to police responding to *emergency calls*.. If you look at let's say where I live.. You go 1/4 mile up and you are in the neighborhood that when they dial 911 they will get quick response, people may say that's not true but in reality it is...

If you go half mile to the left, the police are cruising, looking to arrest someone, and sharking around and if something does happen that needs law enforcement, you are gonna wait...

Drive 20 minutes south and you got the beach, QUICK police response, very well policed neighborhoods, rare break in, so if you are living in the hood, where violence is part of everyday life I can see how EVERYONE is going to be protective of anyone in any room.. Protective stances are not gender oriented nor are they Dominant/submissive traits.

That's where the confusion is for some here (including myself) cause frankly Dominance is a trait and I thought it had zero to do with, where I slept in a bed cause either way someone breaks in they gotta go through dogs, me, and a whole other mess of obstacles before even reaching *my side* of the bed...

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm not sure how being a butch, Transguy or FTM fits this bed behavior.. I've not had someone tell me that because they are xyz I gotta sleep in the submissive side of the bed, I'd laugh and would have to remind whomever that I'm WAYYYYY stronger (cause I normally am) than anyone...

How did you come up with those statistics? I'm curious...

This whole bed thing is interesting, cause the bed is for sleeping, fucking and I've yet to equate it to my hood, safety, or Dominance..

Unless... Bullets are flying then furniture placement is important, but hell even then bullets pierce walls, ain't no Dominance in the world that's going to stop a bullet without someone getting hurt or killed..

Hey, Snow!

I'm guessing that this is directed towards my post.

First, I never said that whomever sleeps on the opposite side or farthest from the door is weak or femme or anything. I know that's kind of the point that was brought up earlier but I didn't make reference to that. I was directing my post to WHY someone might feel the need to be the one to sleep closest to the door. I wasn't even talking about the person who chose or was given the other side of the bed.

I also didn't post any statistics, so maybe that part's not for me?

My overall point was that it's not just one thing and it's not always a conscious decision. I was looking at the 'protective' angle rather than the dominant angle. Anyone can be dominant anywhere, in or out of the bedroom.