Making Amends...Question/Input request

[QueenofSmirks]

Would it feel more comfortable / truthful for you to say "I appreciate your apology" along with whatever else you want to say? I share others' sentiments about your own feelings being valid, and I applaud your honesty and trying to be true to yourself.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Forgiveness means you do not expect "payment" for something you are owed. You can forgive someone and want nothing to do with them. People seem to think forgiveness means kittens and butterflys. It doesn't. It just means you no longer want something from them in reparation for damages. Doesn't mean you want anything to do with them.
Personally, if you want to be supportive and don't want to hurt them? but you just don't trust them to interact with them? sounds like you already have forgiven them their debt. You just have no desire to be their friend.

Two different things.

I personally wouldn't acknowledge the email. The email is actually not for you. It for them to do the hard work of acknowledging what they have done and how it impacts others and to apologise sincerely. A sincere apology is not made with an agenda. It's not made to fix anything or repair relationships. A sincere apology is an acknowledgement of damage.

Recently someone apologised to me for some very unacceptable behaviour. I said "yes, I expect you are quite embarrassed and sorry. That was pretty shit. I'd be embarrassed and sorry too" I was under no obligation to make them feel better about acting like an idiot. I forgave them in the sense I did not want anything from them to make up for their behaviour. But I no longer wanted anything to do with them in a certain aspect of my life. I forgave, but I don't trust and have no want or use. I wish them well, but I have no desire to interact past a certain level.
Your friend's apology is their own business. You don't even have to acknowledge it if you don't want to. If you do, then just say what you mean. You are glad they are in recovery. You wish them well. That's it.

[Mel C.]

Pajama mama, the nice thing about email is you get to respond (or not) at your convenience. Even better, you can edit your response. My guess is that this is gnawing at you and it won't be easy to let it go until you get some resolution. Perhaps writing a letter or email without sending them until you can sleep on it??? I would probably alternate from bitchy and vindictive to compassionate and caring, but where I stop, nobody knows. Not clicking on send gives me time to edit and hopefully do what is right for me.

You are one of my favorite people. You will do what is "right," whatever that is. Big ole smooches!

[Gemme]

I hear what some are saying about not responding at all and, no, you don't have an obligation to respond to the email but it feels shitty to me to not at least acknowledge it. That doesn't mean acquiescing to it but we are human creatures and it's hurtful when someone reaches out, for whatever reason, to be rejected or ignored.

Having said that, there was a time when someone sent me an email and I. Just. Didn't. Know. What. To. Do. With. It.

Awkward and frustrating times 1000.

I was at a complete loss so I didn't do anything.

And I feel shitty about it but it's too late now.

Sooooo.....that's my looking glass that I'm seeing this through.

I think Sleepy and QueenofSmirks' advise was closest to what I might do. Acknowledge the effort, because it does take effort and most people would not take it lightly opening up old wounds. But no, you don't have to forgive. I'm not a forgiving person and I do hold grudges myself and I don't think that that has stunted my personal growth or harmed me. You have to be true to yourself.

How about this?

"I appreciate your apology. I'm glad you are taking steps to get happier and healthier and wish you good luck in your journey."

That is, assuming you are glad they are not as douchy as they once were and that you do wish them well.

If not, then a simple, "I appreciate your apology. Good luck." might work too.

[pajama]

Running out the door to work, but wanted to thank everyone for their input. You have all provided me some wonderful, unique, takes on the situation. I truly appreciate your willingness to share.

Thank you all!
A

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I hear what some are saying about not responding at all and, no, you don't have an obligation to respond to the email but it feels shitty to me to not at least acknowledge it. That doesn't mean acquiescing to it but we are human creatures and it's hurtful when someone reaches out, for whatever reason, to be rejected or ignored.

Hey Gemme!

This is totally an aside, so please excuse pyjamas.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. However, after a shit ton of work on my codependany stuff, I no longer feel any responsibility for other people's feelings of hurt. Meaning, I understand that something I can say can or do can influence how someone feels, but I feel no responsibility to solve or fix or make things easier/softer for facing up to people's own stuff.

It's really up to someone else to care take their own feelings, especially if I have been estranged from them or I don't know them well.

If my "no response" is what I personally wish to do, I'm well aware this may feel extremely uncomfortable and even painful to the person making an apology. But that is their work to do, and personally, I no longer see it as any of my biz. I feel a lot healthier and happier and emotionally cleaner for it.

That someone who I no longer wish to interact with will be hurt by me not answering a letter of apology? That's ok. They can be hurt. That's their work and pain to figure out. If I am not willing to interact with them, that's just how it is. Sometimes the work is like chewing down on a cup of cold sick. If I can do it, so can they. I have every confidence in their ability to deal with it.

I know that's not quite what you ment. But I think allowing people to feel hurt and not doing things to save them from hurt is not always the best thing to do. A true apology expects no forgiveness or even acknowledgement.

I guess at the root of it I sincerely feel after a no acceptance or aknowledge ment is: The work for them after that point is to forgive themselves and that's nothing I can help with nor any of my biz. And that's harder work than someone else forgiving you.

[PatrickIver]

I am with Gemme on this one. I think just acknowledging the email and saying, thank you and good luck on your journey. It needs to be no more than that as it clear you are not ready to go there. As for the other person, she is taking the steps to better herself and part of that is trying to "tie off some loose ends" (so to speak) from the past. It is not about you making things easier or better for this person on that journey. I also agree with Gemme that just not acknowledging it, would be hinky. It appears you are a better person than that, given you have thought enough about it to come here and ask for advice. Bravo, for doing that.

Bottom line, I do not think it needs to go into being a "big thing".

[imperfect_cupcake]

< hinky and not a better person.

And I'm pretty ok with that too

[Mel C.]

I'm hi king that I would regret ignoring the apology AND I would regret acting as if it was fine and dandy to treat me like poo. I'd respond but not in a way that seems like the door is open. This would have been much harder if the apology was in person. Yay again for the power of the written word.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Hey Gemme!

This is totally an aside, so please excuse pyjamas.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. However, after a shit ton of work on my codependany stuff, I no longer feel any responsibility for other people's feelings of hurt. Meaning, I understand that something I can say can or do can influence how someone feels, but I feel no responsibility to solve or fix or make things easier/softer for facing up to people's own stuff.

It's really up to someone else to care take their own feelings, especially if I have been estranged from them or I don't know them well.

If my "no response" is what I personally wish to do, I'm well aware this may feel extremely uncomfortable and even painful to the person making an apology. But that is their work to do, and personally, I no longer see it as any of my biz. I feel a lot healthier and happier and emotionally cleaner for it.

That someone who I no longer wish to interact with will be hurt by me not answering a letter of apology? That's ok. They can be hurt. That's their work and pain to figure out. If I am not willing to interact with them, that's just how it is. Sometimes the work is like chewing down on a cup of cold sick. If I can do it, so can they. I have every confidence in their ability to deal with it.

I know that's not quite what you ment. But I think allowing people to feel hurt and not doing things to save them from hurt is not always the best thing to do. A true apology expects no forgiveness or even acknowledgement.

I guess at the root of it I sincerely feel after a no acceptance or aknowledge ment is: The work for them after that point is to forgive themselves and that's nothing I can help with nor any of my biz. And that's harder work than someone else forgiving you.

Thanks for the dialogue, cupcake!

I agree that we are responsible for our own feelings. Totally. We cannot control another's actions, only our reactions to them.

The way I approach stuff like this is not so much to babysit someone else's emotions and feelings but to put myself in their place. If an action feels like I would be hurt, then I try to avoid that. I've left some nasty emotional carbon footprints in my life, so I do my best to minimize that going forward.

I don't look at it like monitoring someone else's stuff, but making sure that my stuff is the way it's supposed to be, for me. We do agree about one thing. It's not about the other person at all, but about us. You and I just have different ways of making that happen for ourselves.