Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

Gemme · 11-21-2009, 03:36 PM

There is a case (many, many within this "one" actually) of several members of the Mohler family in Missouri abusing a number of children for several years. These men.....all related....forced children into mock marriages, child pornography as well as forcing some of them to assist in murders. These men disgust me. This case disgusts me. But I can't get away from it. There are some similarites to what I and some of my friends have been through that make it impossible to forget.

This may be triggering for some.

For informational purposes if anyone has not heard of this story:

Here

and

here

and

here

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-21-2009, 04:41 PM

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Andrew, Jr. · 11-21-2009, 08:19 PM

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

Gemme · 11-21-2009, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Andrew is right. The best thing you can do for your friend now is to do what you've been doing, listening to him/her. Guilt is a very common emotion associated with abuse. Very often, you'll hear adult abusers saying, "S/he made me do it. If s/he didn't look so sexy or like s/he wanted it, I wouldn't have done it." Blame is frequently placed upon the victim, whether by the victim, the abuser or both. You can consistently, gently remind him/her that it's not his/her fault. I might suggest s/he talk to a counselor. If s/he balks, offer to go with him/her.

Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

*nods*

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-21-2009, 11:06 PM

Good to know this!!!

Andrew, Jr. · 11-22-2009, 12:20 PM

I have oceans of guilt for not protecting my sisters. It will haunt me until the day I die. Nothing anyone can say or do to take that pain away. I will always live with that. But I have to say I have made some peace with my past so it won't screw up my present or future. Everyone at some point has too. It is a matter of survival, I think. We just cope, and move on. We just never forget.

Gemme · 11-22-2009, 03:10 PM

So true, Andrew. The adult you KNOWS the limitations you had then but the you then still thinks that you could have done more. It will always be that way but....like you have done....peace needs to be made at some point for growth and progress to occur.

Our minds are so complex and are truly amazing at coming up with ways to adapt to traumatic situations and environments, but they can still get stuck in one place in time and all that comes with that memory, including guilt...shame....fear....etc.

always2late · 11-22-2009, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-22-2009, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by always2late

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

From the talks I have had with my friends, thats the first thing they tell me is that they were told to keep it secret or else they would be killed, etc.

So from now on I will keep an open ear on every word and just let them talk

Andrew, Jr. · 11-23-2009, 08:13 AM

Every individual can be such an impact. One never knows what others have endured.

Gemme · 11-23-2009, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Yes, Gemme. I think it is like this

. Do you have bad dreams? I do. Sometimes I start talking and my sleep walking comes into play.

I've had some dreams but I don't dream regularly anymore, which is a blessing, I suppose. I'm very good at compartimentalizing things, which is very helpful to me in being able to work on manageable parts of myself at a time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by always2late

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

Absolutely. Secrecy is detrimental.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Every individual can be such an impact. One never knows what others have endured.

So true.

kassykit · 11-24-2009, 06:10 AM

Thank you for this thread.....it's nice to know that there are others....

-hides-

11-21-2009, 03:36 PM	#1
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,925 Times in 25,666 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	There is a case (many, many within this "one" actually) of several members of the Mohler family in Missouri abusing a number of children for several years. These men.....all related....forced children into mock marriages, child pornography as well as forcing some of them to assist in murders. These men disgust me. This case disgusts me. But I can't get away from it. There are some similarites to what I and some of my friends have been through that make it impossible to forget. This may be triggering for some. For informational purposes if anyone has not heard of this story: Here and here and here __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

11-22-2009, 03:10 PM	#7
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,925 Times in 25,666 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	The mind can learn to forgive, but the body never forgets. So true, Andrew. The adult you KNOWS the limitations you had then but the you then still thinks that you could have done more. It will always be that way but....like you have done....peace needs to be made at some point for growth and progress to occur. Our minds are so complex and are truly amazing at coming up with ways to adapt to traumatic situations and environments, but they can still get stuck in one place in time and all that comes with that memory, including guilt...shame....fear....etc. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

11-24-2009, 06:10 AM	#12
kassykit Member How Do You Identify?: Just me Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: TN Posts: 160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 115 Thanked 135 Times in 54 Posts Rep Power: 1725536	Thank you for this thread.....it's nice to know that there are others.... -hides- __________________ =kassy= r/t Mishy =Love shared is love doubled.... pain shared is pain cut in half..........share your life with me, and i'll share mine with you...

11-21-2009, 04:41 PM	#2
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means. Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

11-21-2009, 08:19 PM	#3
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	NotAnAverageGuy, Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation. Namaste, Andrew

11-21-2009, 11:06 PM	#5
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	Good to know this!!!

11-22-2009, 12:20 PM	#6
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I have oceans of guilt for not protecting my sisters. It will haunt me until the day I die. Nothing anyone can say or do to take that pain away. I will always live with that. But I have to say I have made some peace with my past so it won't screw up my present or future. Everyone at some point has too. It is a matter of survival, I think. We just cope, and move on. We just never forget.

11-23-2009, 08:13 AM	#10
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Every individual can be such an impact. One never knows what others have endured.