Caregivers and Stress

[TruTexan]

Kelt, I would suggest that you talk to those at the Assisted Living Place to see if your mother can actually function there with medications and if she cannot, will she have to move to a different facility? I live in an all adult retirement and disabled community for seniors, as I am young but disabled I am allowed to live here and it helps me afford a place to live. I had some problems with an elderly person and her dementia while living here and it became a nightmare for me to deal with. They ended up forcing the family to do something about it and moved her out because it started to cause problems with my own peace and tranquility the more the woman's disease progressed. I know it affects people differently, but I would suggest you speak to the Assisted Living Place before just placing her there. They may not be equipped to handle someone in her condition should her condition deteriorate more. I know there is medication she can take that may help, but is she willing to take it EVERYDAY? is the issue as well. The woman where I live wouldn't and she became aggressive and agitated more and more everyday, driving me nuts til they made her move out to a nursing home equipped to deal with her. It's not only your mom that you need to consider about where she lives, but others that may have to deal with her daily as well. Just something for you to think about.

[MsTinkerbelly]

For most of my adult life i took care of my folks financial and government paperwork, because one day they just looked at me and said " we don't get this anymore".

My mom fell one Christmas eve and broke her hip in the CVS parking lot, which required surgery and extensive rehab which required more decisions and every day visits and feeding my step-father. Then, my step-father became ill with kidney disease and heart disease...i took him to alll of his appointments including the appointments to put in his shunt for dialysis...then he had a massive heart attack, and my mom was forced to terminate life support.

My mom also had kidney disease which she told no one about, because if you don't think about it, it will all go away...until she wound up in the hospital with an emergncy shunt in her neck, and dialysis three times a week.

All of this occured as i began to become ill, and wound up with a triple by-pass! We began converting my mom's garage into a suite (she had a two bedroom house and we have a daughter) for my wife and i, and we moved in to care for my mom, who had quickly begun to go downhill...during all of this, my loving wife took care of both of us, got us moved, and began to work from
home.

My sister, ah my sister.

I think during the last 2 years of my Mom's life, my sister watched Mom for ONE DAY, and took her to dialysis ONE TIME when i had the flu. When she was in the hospital, full of fluid in her lungs and barely breathing (every couple of weeks) she took reports over the phone, and visited kind of hit and miss. Having a sibling certainly does not guarantee that you get support...something that was hard for me to take.

I worked full-time during all of this...my wife changed her schedule to work from home to make sure my Mom was safe and cared for...you know who suffered through all of this? My daughter! I had no time for my daughter, and for several years she was the one who got short changed the most.

I would gadly do it all again if it meant i had my mother back...but i have to say that was the most stress i have ever endured.

Do the best you can to take it one day at a time...and to just stop and breathe once in awhile.

[Galahad]

Alzheimer medication helps my mom. If we had the funds I would have put her in a memory care home early. The best ones have so many stimulating activities and start at the low end of care to the end of the disease. There are many of them now. Starting early could make a difference.

[princessbelle]

Here are a few places that may be a help for those of us taking care of our parents and need a place to start.

As i said earlier, sometimes it's just knowing who to reach out to...

First, Office of aging.
I didn't put up a link because you need to look in your city/county. So, type that in first then the words office of aging. They have tons of resources available and most are free. They even have catalogs of free or nearly free help in your local area, from low cost dentist to sitters to help for hearing impaired. This is the "go to" place for financial assistance as well. Including meals on wheels (for meals delivered to the home daily), food stamps, etc.

Check into their insurance. If they have a supplemental insurance plan such as Humana or Blue Cross or Mutual of Omaha or any of those, give them a call and tell them the situation. Ask them for help. Sometimes they have case workers, social workers, doctors, nurses that can come to the rescue and even come to the house, monthly, weekly to assist with the care.

SSI directly in your town...call and set up a meeting. Take all of their earned income for the previous year and see what they qualify for. Sometimes, you may be surprised...pleasantly.

If your loved one is home bound, they could qualify for home care...talk to their doctor. Do they need help with medication compliance, therapy, ect. And if so, you can usually get assistance with bathing. Again, they must be home bound and this is usually short term.

Need help with cost of medication for your parents? Check out this site...

http://www.needymeds.org/index.htm

Type in the name of a medication and it will bring up a list of places to apply for low cost and often free medications. You will have to show proof of income, etc. But, it's worth it.

I'll post more later. There is help out there. Hang in there everyone..we are all in this together.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Here are a few places that may be a help for those of us taking care of our parents and need a place to start.

As i said earlier, sometimes it's just knowing who to reach out to...

First, Office of aging.
I didn't put up a link because you need to look in your city/county. So, type that in first then the words office of aging. They have tons of resources available and most are free. They even have catalogs of free or nearly free help in your local area, from low cost dentist to sitters to help for hearing impaired. This is the "go to" place for financial assistance as well. Including meals on wheels (for meals delivered to the home daily), food stamps, etc.

Check into their insurance. If they have a supplemental insurance plan such as Humana or Blue Cross or Mutual of Omaha or any of those, give them a call and tell them the situation. Ask them for help. Sometimes they have case workers, social workers, doctors, nurses that can come to the rescue and even come to the house, monthly, weekly to assist with the care.

SSI directly in your town...call and set up a meeting. Take all of their earned income for the previous year and see what they qualify for. Sometimes, you may be surprised...pleasantly.

If your loved one is home bound, they could qualify for home care...talk to their doctor. Do they need help with medication compliance, therapy, ect. And if so, you can usually get assistance with bathing. Again, they must be home bound and this is usually short term.

Need help with cost of medication for your parents? Check out this site...

http://www.needymeds.org/index.htm

Type in the name of a medication and it will bring up a list of places to apply for low cost and often free medications. You will have to show proof of income, etc. But, it's worth it.

I'll post more later. There is help out there. Hang in there everyone..we are all in this together.

This is a great list, thank you so much for posting it. I have used a few so far, and some of this will be size of town related (as I am finding) the aging catalog is quite good, though their local state office comes up a bit short. They live in a town of 75k so there is a lot less available than a city of a million.

I have spoken to both her Dr (little to no help) and also the social worker at the nursing home who has given me some contacts. Some of those have panned out and some haven't, I'm going to contact the social worker at the cancer treatment center my father was going to also. I do get a bit tangled up because, of course, nobody is available right now and I end up leaving messages all over town and am always doing something else when they call back. That just is what it is.

One thing I am specifically looking for right away is some sort of geriatric general MD for my mother. Sort of like a pediatrician only the other way 'round. It seems that it isn't really a popular specialty. At the nursing home there is a practice of four Drs that covers it and the other facilities and the social worker told me I could use them for my mother also. When I called them though it turns out they only see patients who are in a nursing facility and the umbrella group they are in only covers family practice and pediatricians.

I want to find a Dr for my mother who will take early stage dementia as a serious possibility (unlike her current Dr) and run some specific tests. It was other medical professionals who noticed her symptoms and told me about this. I have talked to her about it and she agrees that she wants to pursue it so that if there is a problem she can get medication, and if there isn't she will buckle down on making better lifestyle choices around food, sleep, etc, or we can put her somewhere that those things are monitored for her.

If anyone knows of a specific terminology I can search, or ideas of where I can find a geriatric MD, I'd be most appreciative.

[clay]

google "gerontologist" Kelt!

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Kelt

This is a great list, thank you so much for posting it. I have used a few so far, and some of this will be size of town related (as I am finding) the aging catalog is quite good, though their local state office comes up a bit short. They live in a town of 75k so there is a lot less available than a city of a million.

I have spoken to both her Dr (little to no help) and also the social worker at the nursing home who has given me some contacts. Some of those have panned out and some haven't, I'm going to contact the social worker at the cancer treatment center my father was going to also. I do get a bit tangled up because, of course, nobody is available right now and I end up leaving messages all over town and am always doing something else when they call back. That just is what it is.

One thing I am specifically looking for right away is some sort of geriatric general MD for my mother. Sort of like a pediatrician only the other way 'round. It seems that it isn't really a popular specialty. At the nursing home there is a practice of four Drs that covers it and the other facilities and the social worker told me I could use them for my mother also. When I called them though it turns out they only see patients who are in a nursing facility and the umbrella group they are in only covers family practice and pediatricians.

I want to find a Dr for my mother who will take early stage dementia as a serious possibility (unlike her current Dr) and run some specific tests. It was other medical professionals who noticed her symptoms and told me about this. I have talked to her about it and she agrees that she wants to pursue it so that if there is a problem she can get medication, and if there isn't she will buckle down on making better lifestyle choices around food, sleep, etc, or we can put her somewhere that those things are monitored for her.

If anyone knows of a specific terminology I can search, or ideas of where I can find a geriatric MD, I'd be most appreciative.

You are exactly right on the terminology of "Geriatric MD". However, know they are few and far between, especially in small towns. A lot of them are not in general practice and instead see our geriatric population only in the nursing homes, assisted living facilities, etc. But, they are out there.

I would suggest...call her insurance company (still unclear if she has supplemental insurance) tell them you want a Geriatric MD and her zip code. They should tell you who is available and who is accepting new patients.

If that doesn't pan out, my next suggestion would be to seek an internal medicine physician. These docs generally know their stuff and are also used to working with dementia type diagnosis. Also, it may be prudent to get her a psych eval. Not sure if she would be agreeable, but if she is i believe it would be a possibly good option. They work with dementia as well and i would be willing to bet (reading your description of the circumstances) that she may be dealing with some depression.

If she does not have supplemental insurance then call her Primary Care Doc and tell them you want a referral for the above. You shouldn't have to do all this leg work yourself. The squeaky wheel gets oiled ya know? Make a ton of phone calls..someone out there will listen...i just know it!!

[TruTexan]

Hey Kelt,
I use the Department of Aging and Disability Services for things I need help with for my mom such as assistance and referrals. Try googling that they may know of some doctors in your mom's area that specialize or treat dementia patients? Worth a shot.

Sorry you're having to end up doing so much leg work for a small town. i do it for my mom and the population there is less than 4,000. Yep it's not a typo. LOL I live in a smaller town just up the road from her and run myself ragged at times for her. But, I do what I must for my mom because she's the only mom I have and I love her.
We do what we know is right by our parents when we are able and can continue doing so. I reach my days at times with mom that I get so frustrated with her behavior towards me and her anger, that I just wanna walk away and tell my younger sister "she's all yours! I"M DONE" days. But I haven't .....YET.
Still hanging in there trying to do my duty as a daughter/son/butch/me for her.


Kelt, what town, state an county is this in? I wouldn't mind helping you google stuff to help you out to keep your head from spinning around so much if you need me to. PM me if you want to, I'm home all the time and can do that, I"m disabled myself.

[afrcnqueen]

I can so identify with everyone who has posted in this thread in some form or other. I am a caregiver for my mother who is a young 65. I've been taking care or assisting her in some manner on and off for the past 15 years. With me flying back and forth from California for one reason or another. How long I stayed depended on my work, her health (meaning how bad a shape she was in) if I were single or in a relationship.
I left a gf once to come take care of my mother when she was in the hospital for gun shot wounds caused by a family friend. Needless to say he is no longer a friend of the family and said man has since passed away.
I spent that time with my mother for 2 years getting her back to her health or at least where she wasn't dependent on anyone including me. Then gf and I obviously broke up, she wasn't going to move back home with me and she started seeing someone else when I couldn't give her a time frame of when I would be back with her and resume our lives....fast forward to 2010....

I was living in Cali recently single and living my life and enjoying my job and friends. Phone call comes in...my mother isn't doing well I might have to come home for a bit. A bit is still today. This is a woman who was knocking on death's door when I came into town so I didn't think she would last long.
She has been diagnosed with breast cancer 2x the most recent was stage IV currently in remission by the way. She had a heart valve replaced ten years ago and is on Coumadin to prevent blood clots. She is diabetic and currently going through a myriad of complications, she just had a toe amputated 2 weeks or so ago and now they are possibly talking more amputations. The past year she has been in/out of the hospital about a dozen times ( I lost count). From the 3 gun shot wounds she developed other complications over the years including very little use of her left arm because her left elbow was shattered and the prosthetic got infected and had to be taken out.
I know all the nurses by name and face and doctors. I know the hospital in and out like the back of my hand.

I had an aunt who came to visit not too long ago to 'help me' and let me get some time to myself and just be. Well....she ended up needing emergency surgery cause her appendix ruptured so she was no good for about two weeks. I played nurse now to two sick people taking turns going in/out of the hospital. Not even 2 weeks after my aunt's appendicitis she needed gall bladder surgery. Oh. My. God!! Can we say what the eff!?!?!
So I did what I had to do. Aunt has recovered and is well on her way home now.
Mom had been in a rehab facility the past two weeks recovering from the amputation. That wasn't going so well because each day she was in pain and was progressively getting worse. Turns out it is infected!! Guess what, she is back in the hospital for god knows how long. They will probably amputated the other toes while she is in there right now.

Did I mention that I am an only child? That I work and have been working full time since I moved back in 2010. I ran mom to all her doctors appts, surgeries, physical therapies, picked up prescriptions, took care of the house and anything else that needed to be done. Oh and communicated with the rest of the family who are in South Africa about what is going on and how she is coming along.
Some of mom's friends helped as much as they could. But all of them work and have families and their own stuff to take care of. So everything else fell on me. I Love my mother and she was and is my responsibility to take care of.

In the almost 5 yrs since I moved back and started taking care of her. I forgot about me and my needs. She became my priority, my every waking thought and every spare moment I had. when I wasn't at work or sleeping that is.
I know about Stress! I know about being tired. I know about going through the motions and running on automatic pilot. I know about neglecting your own happiness and health to care for someone else. I know about forgetting what it's like to be free of responsibility. I know what it feels like to go through your own aches, pains, sadness, loneliness, fears, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration and anything else you can think of alone. I know what it's like to be involved in a relationship and not be able to make them a priority or run off to go see them. I know what its like to go out for dinner with friends and be mentally occupied by the 'what if i'm not there and something happens?' so you leave early. In a nutshell, I know what its like to drown while awake.
I'm am physically, emotionally and spiritually empty. I have no empathy or sympathy for anyone at the moment. I am angry, tired, empty and just plain sad. It is just recently, that after a long time of carrying it all on my shoulders that a very special person 'suggested' some types of government programs offered by the state and the hospital I am taking advantage of. I am also seeing a therapist. I am right now dealing with the health issues of my own that have risen and I neglected to address.

My head is at least above water. I still cry and not sleep well but I put one foot in front of the other and continue. I crash and fall apart, but what's important is that I get up even when it takes everything I have left for me to do it. I will get through it. And so will all of you who are caregivers and caretakers and partners and friends and family and parents or children.

Thanks for listening *s

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Kelt

This is a great list, thank you so much for posting it. I have used a few so far, and some of this will be size of town related (as I am finding) the aging catalog is quite good, though their local state office comes up a bit short. They live in a town of 75k so there is a lot less available than a city of a million.

I have spoken to both her Dr (little to no help) and also the social worker at the nursing home who has given me some contacts. Some of those have panned out and some haven't, I'm going to contact the social worker at the cancer treatment center my father was going to also. I do get a bit tangled up because, of course, nobody is available right now and I end up leaving messages all over town and am always doing something else when they call back. That just is what it is.

One thing I am specifically looking for right away is some sort of geriatric

general MD for my mother. Sort of like a pediatrician only the other way 'round. It seems that it isn't really a popular specialty. At the nursing home there is a practice of four Drs that covers it and the other facilities and the social worker told me I could use them for my mother also. When I called them though it turns out they only see patients who are in a nursing facility and the umbrella group they are in only covers family practice and pediatricians.

I want to find a Dr for my mother who will take early stage dementia as a
serious possibility (unlike her current Dr) and run some specific tests. It was other medical professionals who noticed her symptoms and told me about this. I have talked to her about it and she agrees that she wants to pursue it so that if there is a problem she can get medication, and if there isn't she will buckle down on making better lifestyle choices around food, sleep, etc, or we can put her somewhere that those things are monitored for her.

If anyone knows of a specific terminology I can search, or ideas of where I can find a geriatric MD, I'd be most appreciative.

Kelt,

Check and see if the area has a senior center, or if there is one in a larger town nearby...they will have a list of Doctors that specialize in geriatric care.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Kelt,

Check and see if the area has a senior center, or if there is one in a larger town nearby...they will have a list of Doctors that specialize in geriatric care.

Ah Ha! I hadn't thought of that one. I'm getting good info from you folks here and in pm's and rep, thank you all! Keep 'em comin'.