Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by JDeere

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

I understand what you are saying, I just see life as not easy and relationships aren't easy. I just put my two cents in LOL

[imperfect_cupcake]

I don't think relationships always easy.

But I want to get to know someone in an easy way. Not an anxious, chasing, formal, uneasy stomach way. That's not my idea of meeting someone Im naturally comfortable with.

Some people like those feelings. I don't. I prefer quiet, slow, relaxed and zero stress getting to know someone. If I feel uneasy, if I feel I have to try really hard to be understood, if I don't understand their communication style... Too much work from the start gate. Too anxious from the start gate.

That's just not how I want to start a relationship.

Some people love the challenge and the chase and the nervous butterflies.

I don't.

Viva la differance

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I don't think relationships always easy.

Thank you for clarifying for me!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.
.

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!

Originally Posted by JDeere

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.

Originally Posted by randrum

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Gemme

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!



It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.



Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

Yes, thank you, that's what I mean. Of course there will be difficulties down the road after a lot of time spent together and differences happen and there is crisis you have to deal with from the outside world.

But that should *not* be the majority of the time in the relationship. Most of the time the relationship should be enjoyable and make my life *easier*.

I know the difference between intimacy and intensity. I want the former, not the later. It took me almost 30 years to figure out that intensity is *not* intimacy.

Better late than never!

[BullDog]

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who is honest, kind, smart, funny, liberal/leftist politics, loves the arts and the simple things in life.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. I want to be involved with someone who will do whatever it takes for our relationship as much as I will. One way streets get lonely fast.

I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was a constant struggle, with a lot of conflict and work, work, work. I've never had one like that (at least not a serious one), but I see people who seem to have that and it looks exhausting. I do want to be with someone who would do whatever it takes to work out our differences when the going got tough, though. I will of course do the same.

I will probably just remain single!