Caregivers and Stress

[Kelt]

Well folks, after three days of mother being bat-shit crazy, I've got her moved.

She's got her things, she's in a place I consider to be much safer, and she has little to worry about. There is the potential for a good life for her there if she chooses to avail herself of all it has to offer.

I've got it set up pretty much hotel style where she just signs for things and it all gets put on one monthly statement, one copy to me ,one copy to her finance boys who pay it after I approve. She will never have to see it. So as long as she is on campus I don't have to worry about her losing a checkbook or weird amounts of cash. They drive her around to appointments and whatever else she wants, so that gets her off the road too.

I also got in touch with the corp my father used to work for and talked to them about the problem with no piece of paper being safe around her and was trying to work it out where I would get all the paperwork at my home and if something needed to be signed, I could send it to my notary and have them take just that one thing to her home and handle it the rest of the way for me. No dice from the pension folks.

I'm not and don't want to be full POA unless she is incapacitated medically, it's a dignity thing, I don't want to have her declared incompetent until I really have to. So they (Boeing) have a nifty little work around where I can do just a corporate POA so that I control all of the things around pensions, medical, etc for that company only. She still gets to be "independent", but I can take care of quite a few of the issues for her.

I got that all officially signed and sent off yesterday, huge sigh of relief for me.

So now of course her car is officially dead, and the AC which I tested fine the day before I last left has also bitten the dust. It's pretty hot here and guess who is using the house as temp lodging until it sells?

Slowly, very slowly, things are starting to fit into place. Two more days to get her unpacked and take care of a couple other meetings and I get to drive home Saturday (and listen to another audio book, life saver), then I get my own life for a couple of weeks which I hope will involve watching my new seedlings take off in the garden!

[Kelt]

Hey Tex, check your PM.

[TruTexan]

Hey Kelt, thanks.

Also, I'm glad you've gotten everything set up for your mom, it's been an ongoing process I'm sure. I hope she enjoys her stay there and finds a lot of new friends she can talk to , gather with, and play games, etc.
Here's to our back surgeries buddy. I wish you well in yours if you choose to do it. Me, I'm going through with mine, it's finalized for the 18th June, a day surgery if all goes well from what the nurse told me. I see the doc 15th June and he'll talk to me about it more then and explain it all to me.


I wish all the care givers stress free times to come.

[TruTexan]

It's going to be an ongoing emotional struggle for me to make final decisions about what to do about my mom. A part of me wants to completely walk away because she's toxic to me and the guilt lies in me for thinking about leaving her behind because she's my mom and the only parent I have left that's living, even though she treats me badly.
I hate being in this position, it's tearing me up inside.

[TruTexan]

My younger sister that lives in TN that financially takes care of my mom, finally got a hold of her via phone and she talked to mom about her behavior towards me. She told mom under no circumstances should she ever lay hands on me again. That if she's that angry, she needs to stop yelling and wait for a time when she's alone to do all that screaming and yelling, etc. And to stop pushing my buttons and that I wouldn't respond to her and feed into her bullshit.
She also told mom that she wouldn't have taken her to the doctor the next day either, after her behavior like that. That I had the right to say NO and not do it. That I had the right to tell her I wasn't going to help her anymore if she kept acting like this, that it's a bad relationship she's building with someone that is her child and that loves her enough to stay here near her and give up my life plans to take care of her when she needs my help. What a way to treat me like that. And that she was so wrong for acting and behaving like that and that she knows if the roles were that she was here that mom would act the same way towards her.
And told mom to call me and apologize because she was very wrong for doing things like that all the time and it needed to stop and she needed to go see someone because she's very bitter and angry about her life and that her children have to help her make it through every month.

Anyways, mom called and I made her wait to talk to me for 3 more days, after a full 7 days of not speaking to her already. She apologized and told me she called and got medicaid to help her get to her dr. appts. every time she needs to go and that it was free. I was relieved because she always has a habit of trapping me in the car while driving and starts yelling and screaming and then it turns into a full blown fight with words between us and my ptsd and anxiety runs amock when she does that, WHILE I'M DRIVING.
Thank goodness I don't have to drive her now. Whewww what a damn relief.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to move away or not and fully walk away. I need to talk to my therapist and my case manager to make sure I make sound decisions because I don't trust my own decision making process when I"m stressed the hell out like I've been this past week and ongoing.

Thanks for everyone's pm's and words of encouragement and support on my rep comments as well. I appreciate every one of them. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this mess and that there's people in the world that actually care about what I"m going through. So Thank you all again so much from the bottom of my heart.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Well folks, after three days of mother being bat-shit crazy, I've got her moved.

She's got her things, she's in a place I consider to be much safer, and she has little to worry about. There is the potential for a good life for her there if she chooses to avail herself of all it has to offer.

I've got it set up pretty much hotel style where she just signs for things and it all gets put on one monthly statement, one copy to me ,one copy to her finance boys who pay it after I approve. She will never have to see it. So as long as she is on campus I don't have to worry about her losing a checkbook or weird amounts of cash. They drive her around to appointments and whatever else she wants, so that gets her off the road too.

I also got in touch with the corp my father used to work for and talked to them about the problem with no piece of paper being safe around her and was trying to work it out where I would get all the paperwork at my home and if something needed to be signed, I could send it to my notary and have them take just that one thing to her home and handle it the rest of the way for me. No dice from the pension folks.

I'm not and don't want to be full POA unless she is incapacitated medically, it's a dignity thing, I don't want to have her declared incompetent until I really have to. So they (Boeing) have a nifty little work around where I can do just a corporate POA so that I control all of the things around pensions, medical, etc for that company only. She still gets to be "independent", but I can take care of quite a few of the issues for her.

I got that all officially signed and sent off yesterday, huge sigh of relief for me.

So now of course her car is officially dead, and the AC which I tested fine the day before I last left has also bitten the dust. It's pretty hot here and guess who is using the house as temp lodging until it sells?

Slowly, very slowly, things are starting to fit into place. Two more days to get her unpacked and take care of a couple other meetings and I get to drive home Saturday (and listen to another audio book, life saver), then I get my own life for a couple of weeks which I hope will involve watching my new seedlings take off in the garden!

Eight days.

I got a call today from one of the campus ministers (she's an atheist, that's a whole other story) who met her today while she was out walking on the grounds. She got turned around and was trying to orient herself by local businesses, which she does well, and did exactly what I told her to do: when you pass someone while exploring smile and say hello, they may be nice or grumpy or you could make a new friend. Hey, it works for me...

Anyway, they struck up a conversation and whatever transpired led him to look up her contact number and give me a call. I think it'll be alright, I explained about her husband of 60 years recently dying and that she just moved in a week ago and was under a lot of stress.... I appreciate that he was concerned and maybe simply taking an interest, but I can't have this go sideways, not yet.

ETA: Three hours later when I talked to her on the phone and asked how her daily walk had gone she had no recall of meeting anyone. In two or three days she'll think of it, maybe.

I really thought this was under control and I could go back to portions of my life for a while. I'm going over week after this but it was to be the last interval visit for a while so I can get some things done at home while she adapts. I am calling her everyday for now for a while and she gets that if I just keep a regular visiting pattern she will not grow into her new life and will just wait for the next time I show up. She also knows and is seemingly okay with the fact that at some point very soon I have to do a medical thing that will possibly clip my wings for several months.

I am so worried that they will ask her to leave because of cognition/memory problems. I am still working with her Dr to look for other causes beyond the normal altzheimers screenings, she just had another test today, for carotid artery blockage. I meet with her Dr next week to go over results but I don't think that's it. I'll ask for a referral to a neurologist but don't know what else to do. I couldn't even get a tour of the really good memory care facility without a diagnosis.

Grief is hitting her really hard now that so many of the other distractions have been removed. I don't think there is anything I can do besides let some time pass and just be available to talk to if she wants. The minister was very nice and is also a grief counselor so he may check in on her a bit. I just really need this situation to hold together for awhile, since I am pursuing this medically and had her checked before we moved her in, I think it's safe, but what next?

[TruTexan]

Well the bickering and bitching and nagging from my mom seems to be quieted down after her blowup earlier last month. My younger sister stepped in over the phone and backed me up. Mom is now having Medicaid take her to her appointments with her doctors.....we'll see how long this lasts.
And, she's got an attitude towards me that just makes me feel like she doesn't care about me honestly. She doesn't want me to help her, so I"ve told her just to call me if she needs anything but she's being stubborn and tells me she won't call me. I am just stepping back, letting her do her thing, and go from there. We'll see how things go soon.


Take care everyone and I hope things are better for your mom, Kelt.

[SelfMadeMan]

My wife and I are licensed providers, and have had the same woman with us in our home, for 9 years. Her diagnosis is frontal temporal dementia. In the time we have had her, she has gone from walking independently, and helping feed herself to being in a hospital bed full time requiring full care, and no longer "tuned in". She has been non communicative since she came to live with us, but she used to smile and make eye contact and interact a little. It's been sad to watch her withdraw further and further over the years, and the work has gotten more and more stressful as well. It's also been rewarding, and I know we've taken wonderful care of her. We have also gotten close to her husband and now grown children. We're retiring from this work as of August 1, and she will be moved to her next home or facility, and I've struggled with the very different emotions of relief and guilt. I didn't expect the guilty feelings I guess, but the family loves her being with us. Now that our kids are all grown and out of the nest - we want to have an easier, simpler life. So in August we're moving into our beloved motor home full time, and will be living on the Gulf of Mexico! It's a dream we've had for over 10 years and it's so crazy that it's actually happening. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself after all of these years being responsible for another human being 24/7!

[Kelt]

I just saw a video that is so exactly like what it's like to deal with my mother it both cracked me up and made me want to cry a little bit.

Dotty sends a text < It's vimeo so I can't imbed it, but it's worth a watch. Apparently it's winning all kinds of awards, so it's hitting a nerve with folks. It's really quite sweet.

It's also why after about three days of this I want to strangle her just a bit. It's not her fault, but it's maddening if you aren't there yet yourself. Then of course when I go home I want to strangle myself for not having quite enough patience...

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Kelt

I just saw a video that is so exactly like what it's like to deal with my mother it both cracked me up and made me want to cry a little bit.

Dotty sends a text < It's vimeo so I can't imbed it, but it's worth a watch. Apparently it's winning all kinds of awards, so it's hitting a nerve with folks. It's really quite sweet.

It's also why after about three days of this I want to strangle her just a bit. It's not her fault, but it's maddening if you aren't there yet yourself. Then of course when I go home I want to strangle myself for not having quite enough patience...

I have taken care of MANY people with varying degrees of memory loss/dementia/alzheimers, but i have never experienced it in my own family. I have watched the effect of these diseases on the families of my residents, and i have seen the tears of frustration and loss on heir faces.

I don't have any magic words that will fix things, or bring back that person who used to take care of you...but you have my prayers for strength and patience while you deal with this tragic situation.

[EmJay]

I don't like the term "caregiver" when it comes to me and my dad. So I prefer to just say were hanging out. We've been hanging out for 4.5 years now. He has ALS and for the last 2-3 years he's been fully paralyzed and requires 24/7 "hangouts." I spend days with him while my moms at work and she spends nights. It's never a guarantee when my mom will be home as she is a manager of a bank so some nights she doesn't get home till late. His breathing isn't great or even really good so we always make sure 1 of us is with him, it's too scary to leave someone else who doesn't know the breathing/eating routines he has. All of this kinda makes it so I am not really capable of being in a relationship. Most plans I make get cancelled because I am needed here when my mom may work late or simply because I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I don't have a whole lot to offer anyone because he is my number 1 priority and will be for the rest of his life. And when I think of dating later I can't help but think I will be so broken when he's gone that I will be so much more than a hot mess. Similar to dead inside maybe? My thoughts right now are.. If I'm lonely right now... What is it going to be like when he's gone. That scares me.