Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

Gemme · 11-21-2009, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Andrew is right. The best thing you can do for your friend now is to do what you've been doing, listening to him/her. Guilt is a very common emotion associated with abuse. Very often, you'll hear adult abusers saying, "S/he made me do it. If s/he didn't look so sexy or like s/he wanted it, I wouldn't have done it." Blame is frequently placed upon the victim, whether by the victim, the abuser or both. You can consistently, gently remind him/her that it's not his/her fault. I might suggest s/he talk to a counselor. If s/he balks, offer to go with him/her.

Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

*nods*

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-21-2009, 11:06 PM

Good to know this!!!

Andrew, Jr. · 11-22-2009, 12:20 PM

I have oceans of guilt for not protecting my sisters. It will haunt me until the day I die. Nothing anyone can say or do to take that pain away. I will always live with that. But I have to say I have made some peace with my past so it won't screw up my present or future. Everyone at some point has too. It is a matter of survival, I think. We just cope, and move on. We just never forget.

Gemme · 11-22-2009, 03:10 PM

So true, Andrew. The adult you KNOWS the limitations you had then but the you then still thinks that you could have done more. It will always be that way but....like you have done....peace needs to be made at some point for growth and progress to occur.

Our minds are so complex and are truly amazing at coming up with ways to adapt to traumatic situations and environments, but they can still get stuck in one place in time and all that comes with that memory, including guilt...shame....fear....etc.

Andrew, Jr. · 11-22-2009, 07:32 PM

Yes, Gemme. I think it is like this

. Do you have bad dreams? I do. Sometimes I start talking and my sleep walking comes into play.

11-22-2009, 03:10 PM	#4
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,972 Times in 25,664 Posts Rep Power: 21474888	The mind can learn to forgive, but the body never forgets. So true, Andrew. The adult you KNOWS the limitations you had then but the you then still thinks that you could have done more. It will always be that way but....like you have done....peace needs to be made at some point for growth and progress to occur. Our minds are so complex and are truly amazing at coming up with ways to adapt to traumatic situations and environments, but they can still get stuck in one place in time and all that comes with that memory, including guilt...shame....fear....etc. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

11-21-2009, 11:06 PM	#2
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	Good to know this!!!

11-22-2009, 12:20 PM	#3
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I have oceans of guilt for not protecting my sisters. It will haunt me until the day I die. Nothing anyone can say or do to take that pain away. I will always live with that. But I have to say I have made some peace with my past so it won't screw up my present or future. Everyone at some point has too. It is a matter of survival, I think. We just cope, and move on. We just never forget.

11-22-2009, 07:32 PM	#5
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Yes, Gemme. I think it is like this . Do you have bad dreams? I do. Sometimes I start talking and my sleep walking comes into play.