Being Friends with an Ex - How Long

[Locutus]

I am friends with/or am on good terms with all of my exes except one. Life's too short.

[Ms. Tabitha]

This is a very interesting topic. "Ex", in my opinion, is someone that you hava a long and meaningful relationship and some folks think "dating and being the F" buddy makes someone an "Ex".

I had a 4 year relationship with someone that to this day is still very dear to my heart. I am not just friends with him but also his wife. He will message me and update me about their children or events in their lives and I will update him on events in our lives or with our children/grandchildren.


I can't answer for Theo or put his opinions on here. What I can add is that we are very open and honest with each other and have spoken in great detail about our "Ex's" J & M and the fact that these two people are and will always be very important to us.

[Daryn]

Thanks for all of the comments. There was to my knowledge no cheating, even though the physical part of the relationship was over before I asked her to move out. And maybe the thing is that time will heal it.

I was pretty pissed after she moved out because she took stuff that was mine, broke stuff, and left a mess. But I got over it. And as a couple of people have pointed out, life is too short.

We are exes for a reason but we also were together for other reasons (lots of shared interests) and that's what I'd like to focus on.

[theoddz]

I think Tabs hit it pretty much right on about my feelings on this.

I'm on friendly terms with all of my ex's, though I don't correspond or talk to my most recent ex, J. I think the pain of loving each other, but having the situation bigger than the both of us (international/immigration challenges, because she is Canadian and I American, primarily), was what drove us apart and not whether or not we loved each other. If it ever got easier for us to talk, I'm sure we'd be the best of friends. The reality of it is that it's not, but there are not, nor have there ever been any feelings of animosity, on either of our parts. I still like her and respect her tremendously, no matter what. That will never change. Because I understand these kinds of feelings, I don't resent or have any negative feelings concerning Tabs' friendship with her ex, M.

My other ex's are all wonderful women, each and every one. I still talk with A in Louisiana, and she's a dear and trusted friend. The women I have chosen during my life have all been great Ladies and remain good friends to this very second. I couldn't ask for more. I've never ever fallen "in love" overnight. That has never been my nature, so everything for me has started with becoming friends first, then evolved into more later. I think that is the best way. A strong foundation of friendship builds the most lasting of relationships. I have always tried to treat the ladies in my heart with respect and politeness. It is the way I have always wanted to be treated and I don't give them less that what I would expect to get in return.

I'm a difficult man to get to know. I own that, but the woman who would take time to build a friendship with me first, then slowly evolve into more, is the one who wins my heart every time. I expect to win her heart in the very same way. If the relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, then we have that strong foundation of friendship that has always come through and been there when everything else has gone. That's why my ex's have always remained my friends.

~Theo~

[Apocalipstic]

I am great friends with almost all my exes, they are family. Just because we did not work as a couple does not mean they are not good people.

It does take a while to disentagle feelings though.

I liked APrettys math equasion I kind of go with half the time you were together, so in your case, a couple of years.

Beat to you and your doggie.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by apretty

one month for each year that you were involved, plus one year for each time someone cheated, times 5 (years) for each child between you. multiple that by 1.5 if you're on the west coast and by 2 if you're on the east coast, by 3 if you're in the south. add 3 weeks if she kept your books, minus a day for every CD of hers that you stole. times 5 years for each dollar over 1000 that you "borrowed". good luck!

Cute pretty...LOL
But personally I have only had 1 ex out of 5 that I have ever tried to maintain a friendship with. I found it cumbersome especially when new partners came into the picture. One of my exes, maintained friendships on various levels with every one he ever partnered with. I have to say I was not comfortable with it. Especially when a couple of them flirted alot. I felt it was disrespectful. Me, I think remaining friends with exes is kinda like trying to downgrade what we had together. I rather just move on.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Some people have a love/hate relationship with their ex's, one day you hate em, one day you love them to death.


I personally have a love/hate/money/friendship relationship with my ex. But it wasn't always that way, once we split up some things were said and after a few months we stopped talking all together, till one day I get a PM from her on yahoo messenger telling me she was pregnant and slowly she saw that I wasn't gonna fuck her over like everyone else did. Ever since than we talk just about every day, I visit often and her son is my nephew and I am basically part of the family.


Remember not ALL things turn out this way.

[FeminineAllure]

The only one I have remained friendly with is my ex husband. We were only married for 4 years and there have been gaps in our contact. But we have been friends a total of 17 years now.
I believe because we were friends first before we dated.

[Duchess]

Daryn honey, this is something you have to play by ear. You can't force this issue. Concentrate on you sweetie..

I have effortless friendships with all of my exes except one. Whenever I think of her, that woman in Texas(?) with the dentist husband comes to mind. Remember how she repeatedly drove over his body?..Just sayin'...
You get the point.

Duchess

[Boots13]

I think the circumstances of ending the relationship are telling.

If it involved deceit, gross lapse in integrity or judgment, infidelity, etc. then
no...I don't want that attitude or character type anywhere near me.

If it involved two people who agreed they couldn't see an intimate future
with each other, then I think its OK to explore a distant friendship but only
after questioning the motivations for pursuing that friendship. And I think an
honest self accounting needs to happen before you decide to move into friendship mode.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by Boots13

I think the circumstances of ending the relationship are telling.

If it involved deceit, gross lapse in integrity or judgment, infidelity, etc. then
no...I don't want that attitude or character type anywhere near me.

If it involved two people who agreed they couldn't see an intimate future
with each other, then I think its OK to explore a distant friendship but only
after questioning the motivations for pursuing that friendship. And I think an
honest self accounting needs to happen before you decide to move into friendship mode.

Boots13,

I agree the circumstances should be in the forefront of whether you can be friends. My relationships have ended half by me half by the other and one was a draw. I think it was harder on me for me to break off a relationship. I never want to make someone feel bad.
However, once we have lost each other...I just as soon not rehash our relationship which always tends to happen(with mine). I don't harbor ill feelings about exes. I just feel the need to try to build a different relationship with them. I have always started my relationships as friendships, but once it moves to partnership, I can't step it back. I have been called shallow bcause of this...but oh well...I don't agree.

[WolfyOne]

I think relationships built on friendship first are the ones that stay with you even if the relationship fails. I've found in my years that sometimes being friends is all you were meant to be. Remaining friends after the break up may not always happen for one reason or another. In about 30 years, I've maintained friendships with all but 3 of my exes. Some of them took longer than others to keep. They may not all be close friendships because life has a way of keeping us all busy. Some I keep in contact with online, others by phone. R and I have talked about many of my exes and some she has even met. Some of them she liked while others shes said, what the hell were you thinking. I even had one that when we split the dogs up we had, got visitation rights. I'd drop my dog at her place for a weekend or week, so the dog still had time to play with her off spring. That was many years ago and what worked for me was great. It may not always work for someone else. Daryn, give her more time to make a new life and maybe she'll see things differently. It's always harder on the one that got dumped. I know, I've been at both ends.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Something that my late sister taught me that we all need to socialize with many. Everyone has something to contribute, no matter what it is. And nobody is an island. Just reach out.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Amber2010]

When I have tried to become friends with my ex's I find out after establishing a friendship "or so I thought" again that they really never got over things. Either they wanted to get back together or rehash stuff that has been dead and buried and should never be revisited.
I missed the friendship that we all start with.
I do try from a distance such as e-mail to stay in touch but not to let it go more then an acqaintance.

[LaneyDoll]

With me, it depends. I have a few exes that I am no longer in touch with. And I have a few that I am good friends with. And, I have one that I am polite to because we frequent the same place.

The ones that I am still friends with were because we tried dating & realized that we were not suited for anything beyond friendship so we reverted back to it.

[girl_dee]

I feel it depends on how you define *friend*. I have a real issue with the way it is used nowadays.

I feel the word friend carries very little meaning in todays world. People we don't even know on Facebook are *Friends*..People we have never met online are *Friends*... it never has resonated with me.

There are very few people in the world I would consider a friend. To me a friend is someone that we could call each other in the middle of the night and we'd be there. Someone that I communicate with ongoing in daily life. Someone who actually cares about how I am doing, and me them. I have many, many acquaintances, but friends, no. I am also very selective about those I bring close to me, my choice. Someone who not only calls me when they are down and out, but when they want to share their joy too. Friendships take work and not many are willing to do the work.

Do I care about my exes? Sure, I do! When I do hear from them and things are good I am happy for them. That doesn't mean I want them in my everyday life. They are on their journey and I am on mine. I don't have a need to have people from my past in my everyday life. I move on. Like Selly said, to some it's 'vicious', to me it's being emotionally healthy and moving on, We are exes for a reason and I like to cut all ties. I also feel having exes too present and upfront in one's life can cause problems for a new relationship. If you have not moved on from the last one, chances are you are not ready for the new one.

Now if you have kids together that's different, you have to maintain a relationship, but if not, cut the emotional tie and move on, IMO.

Also like someone mentioned, it depends on how it ended.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

I feel it depends on how you define *friend*. I have a real issue with the way it is used nowadays.

I feel the word friend carries very little meaning in todays world. People we don't even know on Facebook are *Friends*..People we have never met online are *Friends*... it never has resonated with me.
IMO.

Funny because I've been thinking about this a lot. I agree that friend means something far deeper to me. I admit that I do know people, I consider friends, that I never met. We have a special connection, share and communicate. It's possible, for sure. Then I have people that I've known for many years that I call friend but the truth is they don't really fit my definition. I'm not sure what to call them.

In my book a friend is someone that always has your back and will be drop everything to to be by your side (If they can). A friend protects you and holds your secrets sacred. A friend is someone you can not see for months and month yet when you see each other again its as if nothing has changed.

I don't know you Dee but I have a connection with you I can't explain. I know that we would be wonderful close friends. I feel that way about your whole family. Friends on another plane of existence.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Sachita

Funny because I've been thinking about this a lot. I agree that friend means something far deeper to me. I admit that I do know people, I consider friends, that I never met. We have a special connection, share and communicate. It's possible, for sure. Then I have people that I've known for many years that I call friend but the truth is they don't really fit my definition. I'm not sure what to call them.

In my book a friend is someone that always has your back and will be drop everything to to be by your side (If they can). A friend protects you and holds your secrets sacred. A friend is someone you can not see for months and month yet when you see each other again its as if nothing has changed.

I don't know you Dee but I have a connection with you I can't explain. I know that we would be wonderful close friends. I feel that way about your whole family. Friends on another plane of existence.

Wow, I feel the same way, sometimes even over a forum it's like you've always known someone, I have that with you. I think you know my heart and not many people really get me. I think I know yours too.

[Jett]

I had Thanksgiving, one of two dinners (I know ugh) with two of my ex's and even some of their family at the table with me and my lady... because they're my friends and they are also family... I can't stop loving and caring about someone because we don't make a good couple. Granted no one has ever cheated on me or broke up w/ me and I have not "wronged" them in any way. I think that's a huge deal as far as whether ppl will be friends "after".

One of them is actually my best friend still after 20+ years. I guess I think it's all pretty relative. I can def see where if maybe it was just wrong from the beginning, it wouldn't last in anyway at the end *shrugs*

[Oiler41]

Originally Posted by Boots13

I think the circumstances of ending the relationship are telling.

If it involved deceit, gross lapse in integrity or judgment, infidelity, etc. then
no...I don't want that attitude or character type anywhere near me.

If it involved two people who agreed they couldn't see an intimate future
with each other, then I think its OK to explore a distant friendship but only
after questioning the motivations for pursuing that friendship. And I think an
honest self accounting needs to happen before you decide to move into friendship mode.

I agree with this thought process completely. I have a couple of ex's that I am still friends with and we communicate now and again, but not frequently. But, anyone I was ever with (dating or in a relationship) who, as you stated above, had difficulty with fidelity, integrity, honesty, etc., can be certain that I will cut them out of my life like a bad cancer. Once cancer is erradicated, I see no reason to invite it back into my sphere of life!

Glynn