Struggling to come to terms......

[blush]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

I have to say, I get twitchy when you paint online interactions as "frivolous." It certainly can be. But I just spent a weekend with real time friends who started as online acquaintances. When I came out, I did therapy. I did baby steps. I talked to straight and lesbian folks. But my debt of gratitude is to the frivolous websites and the heart stopping stories of those that went before me.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Strappie

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

Strappie, thanks for posting this thread. I really related to a lot of what you said, about struggling to find one's "truth". let alone to figure out how to identify.

I am one of those women who was much older when I came out. I knew I was attracted to other women/females early on, but I had such a low self-esteem about my own sexuality, such a distorted view of what I was feeling/believing, then throw all the shame and humiliation that my family threw in along with my Church, well, it is a wonder I didn't go mad! I got married for the first time at the age of 16, mostly just to get the hell out of my horrific homelife. First marriage lasted 27 yrs, then I was into another relationship with another man. By that time, I knew inside that something was really wrong, that I was settling for something other than my truth, but I was still too scared to really face that truth. To accept that truth. To claim that truth. What would that mean to my kids and grandkids, my other bio family, my friends, my work?

Finally, the years of accepting OTHER PEOPLE'S truth instead of and for my own, wore me down. I was losing myself, almost to the point of no return.

For ME, each time that I moved towards finding and accepting my OWN truth, it was really like the proverbial peeling of the onion layer. When I met the woman who became my first partner, the feelings I experienced were like nothing I had ever felt before. And == I == felt like nothing I had ever felt before! I could breathe. I felt HOME.

There were still struggles, the latest in trying to come to terms with identifying as a Femme. (and whether someone who looked like ME, or was like ME, could even BE a Femme!) It has all been an on-going process of learning. But the really neat part is, that learning has been fascinating, has been difficult at times, has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined!

Places like here at the Planet have been key to that learning, for me. It is embarrasing to admit that you just don't know something, but everyone here has been so very kind and helpful. When I learn something myself, I feel almost an obligation to pass that lesson on to the next person.

Thank you, again, Strappie!

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Strappie, thanks for posting this thread. I really related to a lot of what you said, about struggling to find one's "truth". let alone to figure out how to identify.

I am one of those women who was much older when I came out. I knew I was attracted to other women/females early on, but I had such a low self-esteem about my own sexuality, such a distorted view of what I was feeling/believing, then throw all the shame and humiliation that my family threw in along with my Church, well, it is a wonder I didn't go mad! I got married for the first time at the age of 16, mostly just to get the hell out of my horrific homelife. First marriage lasted 27 yrs, then I was into another relationship with another man. By that time, I knew inside that something was really wrong, that I was settling for something other than my truth, but I was still too scared to really face that truth. To accept that truth. To claim that truth. What would that mean to my kids and grandkids, my other bio family, my friends, my work?

Finally, the years of accepting OTHER PEOPLE'S truth instead of and for my own, wore me down. I was losing myself, almost to the point of no return.

For ME, each time that I moved towards finding and accepting my OWN truth, it was really like the proverbial peeling of the onion layer. When I met the woman who became my first partner, the feelings I experienced were like nothing I had ever felt before. And == I == felt like nothing I had ever felt before! I could breathe. I felt HOME.

There were still struggles, the latest in trying to come to terms with identifying as a Femme. (and whether someone who looked like ME, or was like ME, could even BE a Femme!) It has all been an on-going process of learning. But the really neat part is, that learning has been fascinating, has been difficult at times, has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined!

Places like here at the Planet have been key to that learning, for me. It is embarrasing to admit that you just don't know something, but everyone here has been so very kind and helpful. When I learn something myself, I feel almost an obligation to pass that lesson on to the next person.

Thank you, again, Strappie!

Thank you for your story. I admit when I read that article I cried. The struggles that fem's go through was so beyond my thoughts. I never knew that you all went through those things. How dumb was I to think it was a cake walk for you.

I think coming to terms with things is a life time process. I think we constantly change, a constant DISCOVERY of who we are. I know who I am but I consistently grow and tweak who I am and what I stand for.

I do know and have heard the term "I'm Home" my past partners that were str8 and came out had all said the same thing. "I'm finally home"

Thank you for sharing... I hope you can add more to the thread.

[agape]

Originally Posted by Strappie

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

Wow! Strappie, I can't tell you how much it means to me reading this!!
I wish I could share my story but I don't dare to do it other than privately, and even that only to some ppl...
But it does help me a lot and gives me hope to read that someone understands and respects other coming out journeys... Coming out late in life is far from easy and I've come across so many obstacles that many times I wonder if it isn't too late...
I really don't know how to thank you... Words sound cheap... but I hope you understand anyway...

[Maverick]

I've been attracted to girls/women since I can remember...as far back as kindergarten I had a crush on my female teacher. I had crushes on many girls in school but never acted on them. I even used to carry my best friend's books to class for her lol. I came close to kissing her one time but chickened out. My freshman year of college one of my room mates woke me up and kissed me and my world changed forever. She's now married with children and I've spent the last 33 years IDing as lesbian. It seemed like the right fit for the most part and I certainly was attracted only to women physically but I wouldn't say that I ever felt like it was "home" for me. Three years ago I was playing an online game and a team mate and I developed a friendship and chatted quite a bit online. She came out to me as transgender (MTF). I had met other transgender folks over the years and even had worked with a person who was beginning transition to female. But, for some reason I had never given it much thought. She helped me understand that I'm really transgender. I now feel like I know what that feeling like I'm "home" feels like. I'm in the process of a second "coming out" in my life and at mid life it's got different challenges then the first one had at 18. I have a partner of 16 years to consider and a life we've built together plus a business that I have worked hard to build. I want so desperately to live as my true self and be authentic...stop the hiding and lying to myself and the world. Mustering up the courage is tough. I come here quite a bit for the inspiration to work through this stage of my life. Thank you all for sharing your stories! Please believe me when I say you are a lifeline for many of us who are struggling. Keep telling your stories.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Maverick

I've been attracted to girls/women since I can remember...as far back as kindergarten I had a crush on my female teacher. I had crushes on many girls in school but never acted on them. I even used to carry my best friend's books to class for her lol. I came close to kissing her one time but chickened out. My freshman year of college one of my room mates woke me up and kissed me and my world changed forever. She's now married with children and I've spent the last 33 years IDing as lesbian. It seemed like the right fit for the most part and I certainly was attracted only to women physically but I wouldn't say that I ever felt like it was "home" for me. Three years ago I was playing an online game and a team mate and I developed a friendship and chatted quite a bit online. She came out to me as transgender (MTF). I had met other transgender folks over the years and even had worked with a person who was beginning transition to female. But, for some reason I had never given it much thought. She helped me understand that I'm really transgender. I now feel like I know what that feeling like I'm "home" feels like. I'm in the process of a second "coming out" in my life and at mid life it's got different challenges then the first one had at 18. I have a partner of 16 years to consider and a life we've built together plus a business that I have worked hard to build. I want so desperately to live as my true self and be authentic...stop the hiding and lying to myself and the world. Mustering up the courage is tough. I come here quite a bit for the inspiration to work through this stage of my life. Thank you all for sharing your stories! Please believe me when I say you are a lifeline for many of us who are struggling. Keep telling your stories.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I think all us should be proud of who we are and the struggles be it big or small they belong to us and we should stand tall.

I'm glad you all are sharing!!

[bicentennialjenn]

i've had relationships with women and men, but i'm still not sure how to identify. nothing seems natural i guess. i only know i am "femme" and like masculinity. bi would technically cover it, but doesn't feel comfortable for me.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by bicentennialjenn

i've had relationships with women and men, but i'm still not sure how to identify. nothing seems natural i guess. i only know i am "femme" and like masculinity. bi would technically cover it, but doesn't feel comfortable for me.

I don't think you necessarily need to put a name to it unless you want to. Here's the thing, it seems like you are a femme who likes masculine of center folks Whether they are male or female identified. Seems like a great way of saying you identify. I know for myself that I am a masculine Butch, female for all intent purposes and I dislike the lesbian term for myself because although I say I am female, it's because I do not want to be male. So I say I'm queer or Butch if anyone asks. Anyway, you'll figure out, the identity stuff.

[clodie]

It's just my opinion based on observation and own experiences. I'm just trying to figure it out myself so if I'm doing it wrong - which I'm not afraid to admit, feel free to correct me and please, please don't be upset by my post because it doesn't apply to everyone.

I think there are many people that have problems identifying as either straight, bi or lesbian. Technically the word queer should cover the rest - or so I thought. I learned recently that it seems to be more about your gender identity than who you're attracted to. My guess is people sometimes adjust to those labels, not necessary consciously. If I'm into someone, unless my pride ends up being crushed heartlessly, the next person I'll like will probably be similar to the previous one. And so bi women can seem and identify at times as being eg lesbian, because they're in that crowd, they're into that at the moment that they stop seeing men. Another problem with labeling your sexual orientation can be, and is in my case the fact that just because you seem to be both physically and mentally attracted to someone doesn't mean you'll be able to be with them. In that way I'd say that in theory I'm pansexual... but in reality I'm a lesbian (and that's just from having contact with only men and women). I can look at a guy and feel attracted to him but I know from my previous experiences that it just doesn't feel right being with one even though in theory it should. And that could be the case for many people. So if you don't feel right being with either men or women even if you felt attracted enough to try, maybe you just need to look for something different. It's just going to be a bit harder, like it usually is for a minority.