Caregivers and Stress

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Chad

These days I miss me.
I miss my privacy.

I miss my life before I became a caregiver. I miss season tickets to the opera. I miss plays and symphonies with lovely ladies on my arm.

I miss me.

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

[~SweetCheeks~]

The past five years I have went from caring for my grandmother, my mom and now my spouse. 6 months ago our lives as we knew them flipped upside down and sideways. Life is truly put into a different perspective when your told your spouse has a terminal diagnosis. Roles changed and new routines are our new normal. My love is fighting hard and and trying to beat the odds. I however am exhausted. I was in the process of dealing with my own health issues both mental and physical and most has been put on hold. But thru it all we're doing our best to try and push forward.

[Teddybear]

I so understand the stress of being a caregiver. My father passed Christmas of 2016 and within 3 months my mom was fighting for her life. She spent almost a month in the hospital. I made the decision to move from TX back to GA to care for her. My job let me work from home during that time. I also found another job, so I was working 3 jobs at the time. Mom started getting better and I got promoted which meant I had to move to be in an office she refused to go. My brothers, her and I came up with a plan where she would be with one of the three of us for 6 months at the time. She went to live with one brother and within 2 weeks she was with the other. In June of 18 he took her back to her house and dropped her off without telling anyone. She didnt tell us for over a month.

She has been there by herself for over a year and half. All of us check on her daily.

I would move back however I have since been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I am unable to. She would be more of my caregiver and I won't let that happen. My wife and I are doing fine.

My job lets me work from home with only a couple of trips to an office.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Jar

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

Buddy, you are the best. Thank you for hearing me. Yes, I am alone. My dad and brother left years ago. It is a struggle, sometimes I win and sometimes I fail but I keep fighting every day. This year mom will be 89 years old.

I think my personal life is mostly gone now.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Jar

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

I am here, only 6 hours away. If you need a buddy. I will make that drive. Take care buddy.

[Chad]

This life experience is harder than I could have imagined. I spent my life making a great career and now that is a burden instead of a celebration. Being a full time caregiver to my mom and having a career has become too stressful. I have made a lot of mistakes by leaking my misery out loud in many directions.

Folks say get help with mom and enjoy your time with her. Those are good ideas but not the reality. I have no time and no help. The cost of taking care of mom will put me in the poor house. Unfortunately, there is no viable answer. I plan to suck it up and make mom's life the best that I can and figure out the rest later.

[Chad]

Seems like I live in this thread now. I am struggling. I work and travel for business a lot. And when I come home there is more work.

I used to be happy. I dated and had fun. Now life is work every day. No fun and no dating.

I can honestly say that I am very unhappy these days.

I owe this to mom she saved me by adopting me but this is a hard debt to pay.

[Kelt]

So I put the happy stuff in the zombie thread. Here is the other side of the coin.

I am very worried about my mother. She is in Washington state. She is 88 and frail. On the up side, she is in the eastern half of the state well away from the virus outbreak area, the place where she lives is a private home with only 5 residents and there are 5 caregivers too, though they staff 24/7 with those 5 and backup is pretty much non-existent. On the lesser side of things it is a fairly rural town of 90k that had two decent hospitals until two years ago when the big hospital chain in Seattle bought the good one and gutted the staff. I also just found out the not-so-good regional hospital closed last month, so scarcer that usual resources. Mom is in goodish health with no diseases but she has dementia and can't remember things like no face touching. Did I mention that she is 88 and frail?

There is also all the worry/planning around what to do if she needs me there? I'm 1200 miles away, two international and one regional airports away, plus hotel etc to do what? Bring germs? Make things worse?

The state hospital association has told families not to visit any nursing homes anyway. While this is a private residence, it is also a licensed medical facility and they have to comply with all guidelines.

All I can do right now is to continue to worry myself sick and call her every morning to pretend there is nothing going on in the world and talk about the weather and what was for breakfast... Which she can't remember anyway.

[Chad]

I have been home with mom for over a month. I have noticed that she wants three meals a day. My batchelor life was never like that so I am cooking a bunch. I also noticed that she gets winded walking from her bedroom to the living room and that concerns me. Maybe I can get her to walk more.

My number one job is to keep her safe and healthy.

We are good so far. My germaphobe brain has worked so far.

Be safe friends.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Chad

I have been home with mom for over a month. I have noticed that she wants three meals a day. My batchelor life was never like that so I am cooking a bunch. I also noticed that she gets winded walking from her bedroom to the living room and that concerns me. Maybe I can get her to walk more.

My number one job is to keep her safe and healthy.

We are good so far. My germaphobe brain has worked so far.

Be safe friends.

Good hearing from you Chad. Likewise stay safe!

[Stone-Butch]

I cared for my mom till she passed and it was a lot of worry but I would not have had it any other way.

I think all you care givers out there who give up a good part of their lives to look after loved ones should have a special blessing placed on each and every one of you. Keep well, the world needs folks like you.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by homoe

Good hearing from you Chad. Likewise stay safe!

You know how to reach me. Not checking email but the phone is good. I love you too buddy. Stay safe.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Stone-Butch

I cared for my mom till she passed and it was a lot of worry but I would not have had it any other way.

I think all you care givers out there who give up a good part of their lives to look after loved ones should have a special blessing placed on each and every one of you. Keep well, the world needs folks like you.

I am sorry that you lost your mom. I know how hard this is.

[~ocean]

[QUOTE=Stone-Butch;1265971]I cared for my mom till she passed and it was a lot of worry but I would not have had it any other way.

I think all you care givers out there who give up a good part of their lives to look after loved ones should have a special blessing placed on each and every one of you. Keep well, the world needs folks like you.[/QUOTE

~ being their strength ~ strengthens our own soul ~

[Chad]

Mom rarely goes outside anymore eventhough I have planted pretty flowers around the house. After mowing yesterday I had an idea to drive her around my land to see the wildflowers. She really perked up. I drove her to see my neighbor's wildflowers too and he was out so we stopped for a chat. I think that made her day. Sometimes it is the small things that make a difference.

[Kelt]

Today I went ahead and canceled my hotel and car reservations to visit my mother over Mother’s Day, she can’t have any visitors anyway, never mind the fact that I would have to quarantine for two weeks after entering the state. Just out of curiosity I wondered how cheap the airfare had gotten and took a look. Alaska airlines is the only company that serves passengers in her town with a small turbo prop plane. There is no longer passenger service in her town or anywhere closer than a 4 Hour drive. I really didn’t see that one coming, of course I should have, but it was a surprise nonetheless. Another hurdle between us.

Beyond that where she is staying is working out very well for being on lockdown. It is a small private home with only four residents and half a dozen permanent caregivers. They also have a large deck which at this time of year provides very nice outdoor space and they are also eating lunch outside weather permitting each with their own table about 8 feet away from each other. Given what I have seen about these large crowded nursing and care homes I am extremely grateful for having found this place. I can only imagine how incredibly isolating it would be for these folks to be literally locked into their room or apartment. At least mom has freedom of movement within the various rooms of the house as well as the deck. All things considered, I don’t think she could be in a better place.

I still wish I could go be with her for Mother’s Day.

[Kelt]

Looks like I spoke too soon and jinxed it.

Last night my mother had a fall and was taken to the hospital for assessment, no choice, likely a virus exposure. She is now back home.

Her shoulder is broken and now we are trying to figure out video conferencing with an orthotics office that is shut down. They say maybe Friday. My first reaction is to just get on an airplane and go be with her to fix things which is what I do and now I can’t.

I have never felt more helpless.

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Looks like I spoke too soon and jinxed it.

Last night my mother had a fall and was taken to the hospital for assessment, no choice, likely a virus exposure. She is now back home.

Her shoulder is broken and now we are trying to figure out video conferencing with an orthotics office that is shut down. They say maybe Friday. My first reaction is to just get on an airplane and go be with her to fix things which is what I do and now I can’t.

I have never felt more helpless.

((((( kelt )))))) so sorry ~

[Chad]

Sometimes I just need a break but there is no break. No help and no back up. I am alone in this and somedays I just need a day off.

[Chad]

It has come to my attention that I may not be specific sometimes. I am working from home these days. At 6:30 am I make mom and I breakfast then I work. At noon I make mom and I lunch, then I work. At 4:30 I make dinner. After that everything else. Cleaning, laundry, yardwork, groceries, cats, and anything else. Nothing here gets done if I don't do it. Sometimes I want to take the I out of all this work. Maybe go dancing for a change.