Caregivers and Stress

[Chad]

These days I miss me.
I miss my privacy.

I miss my life before I became a caregiver. I miss season tickets to the opera. I miss plays and symphonies with lovely ladies on my arm.

I miss me.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I feel like I am going off the deep end... my kiddo is locked up for being physically aggressive towards me, so I ran away... with her in lock up and nothing keeping me at home... I just left. And I can feel myself avoiding going back. I know I need to. I know I have responsibilities. But... its so hard.

[Kelt]

My mom is having a tough go of it this last week or so. She forgot my father and their 60 year marriage a while back and while she would sometimes ask “did my husband die?” it had gotten to where she didn’t remember his name anymore either.  When I visited her over Christmas at dinner one evening she noticed she was wearing two wedding rings one on each hand and asked me if I knew why. I told her that she was wearing her wedding ring where she always had and that the one on her right hand had been my fathers. She wasn’t sure why she was wearing them but seemed to take comfort in doing so.

Then a few days ago she had a vivid dream shortly before I called one morning and it involved my father having been in an accident and her being told by the police that he was dead. She was so relieved to be awake and asked me what I thought about it. I had to tell her all over again that yes, he really was dead, and has been for five years. There’s nothing like having to break your mother‘s heart yet again before breakfast.

Today was one of the two days a week that I have an extra caregiver come over and take her out for a couple of hours to do something different/fun like a walk in the park or a drive to just look around, special lunch, whatever they want. Todays notes included the rings coming back up again in a way that made her sad and anxious because she couldn’t remember anything about their time together. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to know that you knew but can’t ever know again.

I talk to her every other day and every time it breaks my heart just a little more and then sometimes it’s a gut punch when you just don’t see it coming.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Chad

These days I miss me.
I miss my privacy.

I miss my life before I became a caregiver. I miss season tickets to the opera. I miss plays and symphonies with lovely ladies on my arm.

I miss me.

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

[~SweetCheeks~]

The past five years I have went from caring for my grandmother, my mom and now my spouse. 6 months ago our lives as we knew them flipped upside down and sideways. Life is truly put into a different perspective when your told your spouse has a terminal diagnosis. Roles changed and new routines are our new normal. My love is fighting hard and and trying to beat the odds. I however am exhausted. I was in the process of dealing with my own health issues both mental and physical and most has been put on hold. But thru it all we're doing our best to try and push forward.

[Teddybear]

I so understand the stress of being a caregiver. My father passed Christmas of 2016 and within 3 months my mom was fighting for her life. She spent almost a month in the hospital. I made the decision to move from TX back to GA to care for her. My job let me work from home during that time. I also found another job, so I was working 3 jobs at the time. Mom started getting better and I got promoted which meant I had to move to be in an office she refused to go. My brothers, her and I came up with a plan where she would be with one of the three of us for 6 months at the time. She went to live with one brother and within 2 weeks she was with the other. In June of 18 he took her back to her house and dropped her off without telling anyone. She didnt tell us for over a month.

She has been there by herself for over a year and half. All of us check on her daily.

I would move back however I have since been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I am unable to. She would be more of my caregiver and I won't let that happen. My wife and I are doing fine.

My job lets me work from home with only a couple of trips to an office.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Jar

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

Buddy, you are the best. Thank you for hearing me. Yes, I am alone. My dad and brother left years ago. It is a struggle, sometimes I win and sometimes I fail but I keep fighting every day. This year mom will be 89 years old.

I think my personal life is mostly gone now.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Chad

Buddy, you are the best. Thank you for hearing me. Yes, I am alone. My dad and brother left years ago. It is a struggle, sometimes I win and sometimes I fail but I keep fighting every day. This year mom will be 89 years old.

I think my personal life is mostly gone now.

Mine too. My life is all about doctors, medicare, hospitals and trying to navigate the system with everything on lock down because of this fucking covid. I'm the only one allowed in to see my mom and that's only because my sister raised hell with the hospital administrator. It's exhausting, both mentally and physically. One day you and I will meet for a well deserved drink

[Starfish]

Originally Posted by Jar

Mine too. My life is all about doctors, medicare, hospitals and trying to navigate the system with everything on lock down because of this fucking covid. I'm the only one allowed in to see my mom and that's only because my sister raised hell with the hospital administrator. It's exhausting, both mentally and physically. One day you and I will meet for a well deserved drink

My heart hurts and sympathizes with both of you. It's difficult to be in this stage of life. My beautiful, vibrant Mom has Alzheimer's and she doesn't understand why we can't hug and must visit on the porch. I met my kids there last week so they could tell her and my Dad that they would be great-grandparents and it was so bittersweet; all of us sitting there with masks on and my Dad fussing at my Mom to keep hers in place. Their roles have reversed and I'm ensuring they both have all they need. I'm becoming the parent and I've lost part of who I am as she loses herself. Keep your chins up both and gentle hugs to you. Be good to yourselves.

[Chad]

Caring for mom. I think that I am getting used to this now. It is hard work but we have a routine.

Thank goodness for my friends and chosen family. I think we are making progress. I sang today that is a great sign that I feel happy.

[Kelt]

My mother is experiencing “complications from a fall“, many tests and meds over the last couple of weeks, a trip to the ER yesterday. This is not going well.

And I can’t do a damn thing to help her.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Jar

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

I am here, only 6 hours away. If you need a buddy. I will make that drive. Take care buddy.

[Chad]

This life experience is harder than I could have imagined. I spent my life making a great career and now that is a burden instead of a celebration. Being a full time caregiver to my mom and having a career has become too stressful. I have made a lot of mistakes by leaking my misery out loud in many directions.

Folks say get help with mom and enjoy your time with her. Those are good ideas but not the reality. I have no time and no help. The cost of taking care of mom will put me in the poor house. Unfortunately, there is no viable answer. I plan to suck it up and make mom's life the best that I can and figure out the rest later.

[Chad]

Seems like I live in this thread now. I am struggling. I work and travel for business a lot. And when I come home there is more work.

I used to be happy. I dated and had fun. Now life is work every day. No fun and no dating.

I can honestly say that I am very unhappy these days.

I owe this to mom she saved me by adopting me but this is a hard debt to pay.

[Kelt]

So I put the happy stuff in the zombie thread. Here is the other side of the coin.

I am very worried about my mother. She is in Washington state. She is 88 and frail. On the up side, she is in the eastern half of the state well away from the virus outbreak area, the place where she lives is a private home with only 5 residents and there are 5 caregivers too, though they staff 24/7 with those 5 and backup is pretty much non-existent. On the lesser side of things it is a fairly rural town of 90k that had two decent hospitals until two years ago when the big hospital chain in Seattle bought the good one and gutted the staff. I also just found out the not-so-good regional hospital closed last month, so scarcer that usual resources. Mom is in goodish health with no diseases but she has dementia and can't remember things like no face touching. Did I mention that she is 88 and frail?

There is also all the worry/planning around what to do if she needs me there? I'm 1200 miles away, two international and one regional airports away, plus hotel etc to do what? Bring germs? Make things worse?

The state hospital association has told families not to visit any nursing homes anyway. While this is a private residence, it is also a licensed medical facility and they have to comply with all guidelines.

All I can do right now is to continue to worry myself sick and call her every morning to pretend there is nothing going on in the world and talk about the weather and what was for breakfast... Which she can't remember anyway.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Chad

Seems like I live in this thread now. I am struggling. I work and travel for business a lot. And when I come home there is more work.

I used to be happy. I dated and had fun. Now life is work every day. No fun and no dating.

I can honestly say that I am very unhappy these days.

I owe this to mom she saved me by adopting me but this is a hard debt to pay.

I totally understand my friend. I haven't posted here for a while because I've been moving between hospitals and rehabs with my mom. I feel the same as you do .... I owe my mom for a lifetime of support and love but it IS a big debt to pay.