Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[Bubala]

All do respect to those who can...But for most people there are reasons why exes are exes...

Then again what do I know... I don't really have a past... My partner of many many wars was my first my last, my only, my everything.... ;(

[Virago]

It definitely does depend, but I can say that I'm fortunate that I'm friends with most all of my exes except for 2 or 3. My ex from 4 years ago came back into my life after she broke up with her gf (who didn't allow her to talk with any of her exes) and is now one of my best friends. I also count an ex of mine from 20 years ago as one of my best friends. And other of my exes are definitely still very important in my life.

I decided to date these women and become involved with them because besides being very attracted to them sexually, I also respected them strongly. And after both of us mourned the break up enough, we would realize that the parts we respected remained....we just didn't gel for a life together.

[Nattih]

I largely refuse to acknowledge the fact that my exes still exist on earth. I do give fair warning that this is how I operate. No one walks into our relationship being taken by surprise at my actions when it ends. I'm incapable of handling rejection. Is it a flaw? Absolutely. But it's been me since I was 1 year old.

There is one ex that I am still friends with as a special case.

[imperfect_cupcake]

When my parents got together, they had been lab partners in university together and best friends. So when they divorced, after time apart and new partners, they became incredibly close friends again. They never were cruel to each other after breaking up and never spoke bad of each other in front of the kids.

I learned how to act with break ups from their example, for which I am very grateful.
My first first long term relationship was with my closest friend of a few years and breaking up and losing that friendship was agreed to be an utter and needless waste. I'm still friends with him - we still needed time apart to get used to the break.

Every time the friendship has not worked is when I missed them too much to not be able to keep the wise rule of at least several months apart (and sometimes a year or so) to recalibrate myself independently. Too soon back into a friendship ruins it. Too many hurt feelings still abound, and being unable to put things in perspective.

Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship.

Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term *romantic* match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

[*Anya*]

My ex-bio husband I have no relationship with but when my oldest daughter graduated from college, we wound up sitting in the same row, almost next to each other. My daughter said that she almost fainted to see us cordial with each other. It was for my daughter. Of all days, her college graduation demanded it!

When both my daughters married, we again were cordial and superficially friendly but never will we be friends.

My first GF and I are still friends.

My long-term ex still sends me emails about her thrilling and exciting life (which I do not respond to but I get them anyway). Exaggeration and fibs were her stock in trade. I guess I feel some pity for her so I do not block her. Friends we will never be but I do not hate her.

Overall, whether I still feel fondness or dislike, for me, the word friend connotes a level of deep trust and with an ex; trust is pretty much gone.

Friendship-no.

[Stone-Butch]

My ex of 22 yrs and I are still friends, always will be. My ex of 11 yrs is now with the butch she cheated with and I have zero contact even though we live in the same apt. building. Life goes on and dating is not such a bad thing. Some exs are worth keeping in mind , some you just have to let go and continue with your own life.

[Virago]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship.

Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term *romantic* match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

Exactly. Thank you for wording it perfectly

[MsTinkerbelly]

I have never been "friends" with an ex...I try to remain friendly, but not friends.

My ex-husband (father of my child), is still a part of my life because of my daughter...we have never said one nasty word about each other, and always put her welfare first. But friends? No...he doesn't keep boundaries well, and used to try and have sex if we were alone.

[jools66]

it really depends on how you parted.
like some ppl have said here, sometimes a break is needed to get to know yourself again just for you.
personally speaking, i see no problem being friends with a ex.
as long as you keep to the boundaries that you know just friendship entails.
the best exe's/now friends are the ones you started out just being friends with in the first place.
am a great believer in, if its meant to be and you have real respect for one another then you can be friends.
because lets face it, real true friends are hard to come by, and you will always find that out when ya down on ya luck.

[gotoseagrl]

Only if there is a truly mutual respect and selfless desire to wish the best for each other. That's what friendship is based on.

It's also possible to hope they will be happy, as a friend, even if you can't stay in touch. As others have said, the only ones I've been able to consider a friend are those who were true friends to begin with. In my experience, someone who truly cared about you would still wish you well, and luckily that's been the case for almost all of mine.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I think it makes a difference that I have many exes, rather than one or two. I also don't tend to get serious super quickly. So if we stop seeing each other after 6 months, a year, 18 months, I haven't started living with them, I haven't merged lives with them and I am not sure we will be together forever yet anyway.

To me that is utterly different in terms of becoming friends than someone I was with for five years who cheated on me after we got married.

[Talon]

Fuck no....

[Nattih]

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

[storyspinner70]

Outside of the couple abusive assholes and a cheating bitch, the majority of my exes just faded away naturally...they just...weren't that important in my life anymore and neither was I in theirs. It was all very amicable. My last girlfriend and I were friends for awhile but that inevitably blew up. I say inevitably because the main reason we broke up was because talking to her was like me speaking French and her speaking Portugese...We might could muddle through understanding a few things, but in general, we just couldn't get what the other was saying. That made the friendship just as fraught as our romantic relations were.

[MrSunshine]

Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

I think perhaps because I'm an extrovert I have lots of different kinds of friendships and see value in all of them. I need my friendly but not intense friendships just as much as I need my friends who have been with my closet core group for 32 years. I have friends who are like cousins, friends who I have a beer with and we just have a great laugh. I have friends do I swap massages with and chat and gossip about school and never see each other outside of that context.

I love people in that people are my books. I like reading them, enjoying them for just the story that they are. I like having deep and meaningful passing conversation with people I might never see again. I love talking to strangers. I love a chat.

I know that for others, mostly my exes, who are die hard introverts, they only want a very small core number of people in their lives of the highest caliber because people wear them out.

Me, I love and need Champagne friends, roast beef dinner friends and a packet of crisps friends.

So perhaps it's just how we also view friendships in general and extroversion/introversion might play into that.

[job]

I think so. For me personally, the three women that I had the longest relationships with--two were girlfriends=monogamous relationships, the third was a little harder to define- are all still friends of mine. The two that were actual girlfriends, we still have fun together, share the same beliefs, etc., and get along better now than before. There's no reason for tension or stress anymore. No jealousy, and so on. The third, we are still very close, however, not as close as before. But, friends...absolutely.

[Talon]

Yeah....to each their own, and all that..but, once a bell has been rung, it cannot be unrung. You and I will not share some sort of diluted-down sort of relationship, that is a crutch for the both of us, where we put off the inevitable. We will not be BFF's that have "coffee talk". I say this from the get go...and if we are close friends for years?
I never risk that for temporary "lust"...the reality is that the majority of romantic relationships do crash and burn. I will not risk something I value that has had proven success in the past..for something that's essentially a crap shoot. It has nothing to do with how it ended (good...bad, or indifferent). I prefer a clean cut.

>>>>MO

[Stronghealer]

Were they good to you?
Did they disengage from queerdom, and began life anew?
Did they cheat?
Were they good to you?
Were the abusive?


I am friends with some,exes with no contact or connection with others,and deeply miss others- I am not speaking with.

The abusive ones - I wish never to speak with.

[Talon]

[QUOTE=MrSunshine;1031437]Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.[/QUOTE
Wow...you are truly exceptional....