Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

Gráinne · 02-25-2012, 01:47 PM

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

The_Lady_Snow · 02-25-2012, 01:56 PM

"I love to save a damsel in distress"

When that sentence STOPS being part of how you enable people is when true long standing relationships that have clear and healthy boundaries will flourish!!

I'm friends with exes because of those clear healthy boundaries.

No one likes blurry lines...

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 02:08 PM

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

PaPa · 02-25-2012, 02:11 PM

Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

The_Lady_Snow · 02-25-2012, 02:13 PM

She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely)..

Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!!

T4Texas · 02-25-2012, 02:17 PM

Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again.
It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T4Texas

It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

Story of my life, even with friends lol

Thank you all. You've given me a lot to consider. I'm supposed to talk to her in an hour. I'm thinking pretty clearly right now so I won't be going in blind. It may not turn out to be much of anything but I know her pretty well and if she's not changed then I have reason to tread carefully.

Thanks again.

*Anya* · 02-25-2012, 02:33 PM

For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship.

My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc.

My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me.

Different circumstance, different outcome.

aishah · 02-25-2012, 02:49 PM

it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

02-25-2012, 02:15 PM

I think it's possible to be friends with exes when you don't want to 'save' them. That would bring up a huge red light and clanging of bells for me.

I would also ask why are you the only person she can turn to after two years. Has she not got friends of her own; has she not built a life for herself? If not, why not?

You say it wasn't a great relationship for you. Why let her back and bring up what will probably not be great memories for you? Just take some time to consider why she would say that you were the only person who cared for her? Maybe she knows the buttons she needs to press? Just a thought.

Can I remind you that you/we cannot save anyone, they can only do that themselves by actively engaging in whatever problem they have and being proactive on their own behalf.

You will do what you want to do but my counsel would be, tread carefully.

princessbelle · 02-25-2012, 02:29 PM

Yes yes and more yesess to the whole boundary idea. Don't just run out the door and greet her and rescue her and have your heart ripped to shreds. Make a deal with YOURSELF. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

If it starts getting too much and those old feelings start to come up for air, step back. You can always be a friend without getting in too deep. It is your boundary that identifies how far you are willing to let her in...not her decision. That one is yours all by yourself. Don't let her set those standards of your heart. You are in control.

I have exes i would still give a kidney to if they needed it, and truthfully, i would most likely come to any of their aids if they really were in need. But, i know my limits and am not quite the naive person i once was.

Just go in with your eyes wide open and make sure you protect you.

Good luck!!!!!!

julieisafemme · 02-25-2012, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

You totally hit the nail on the head with this one! If an ex can be a nurturing, caring friend to you then I think that is great. If an ex pops back in to your life because they are bored or lonely or needy then maybe that is not the best friendship for you. What does she have to bring to the relationship? How can being in contact with her enrich your life, beyond satisfying the need to care for someone and be needed? Be selfish and take care of yourself first!

Sassy · 02-25-2012, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

...if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

^^^^^

What they said.

Luv · 02-25-2012, 03:36 PM

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

TimilDeeps · 02-25-2012, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luv

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

same here

girl_dee · 02-25-2012, 03:58 PM

this question pops up all the time

sometimes yes sometimes no

no one will convince me that it's not a "different" friendship once people have been intimate. Nothing wrong with that, but it's different.

deedarino · 02-25-2012, 04:13 PM

I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear.

With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble.

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 04:46 PM

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

Estella · 02-25-2012, 04:53 PM

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

Miss_J · 02-25-2012, 04:07 PM

Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take.
Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow.

I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to.

Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience.

02-25-2012, 01:47 PM	#1
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,117 Thanked 7,388 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation. Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you? __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

02-25-2012, 01:56 PM	#2
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Thoughts "I love to save a damsel in distress" When that sentence STOPS being part of how you enable people is when true long standing relationships that have clear and healthy boundaries will flourish!! I'm friends with exes because of those clear healthy boundaries. No one likes blurry lines... __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

02-25-2012, 02:13 PM	#5
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Thoughts She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely).. Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!! __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

02-25-2012, 02:17 PM	#6
T4Texas Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Ready to play again! Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 233 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 436 Thanked 647 Times in 167 Posts Rep Power: 6739721	Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again. It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been. __________________ Chivalry is when you meet a woman you would rather die for, than live with.

02-25-2012, 02:33 PM	#8
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,455 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship. My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc. My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me. Different circumstance, different outcome. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

02-25-2012, 02:08 PM	#3
Cuddles Junior Member How Do You Identify?: A romantic butch who loves to cuddle... and steal your french fry when you're not looking! Preferred Pronoun?: No preference. Relationship Status: Single, always looking to mingle and maybe be tamed one day Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Northern Florida Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 191 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 1805812	The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other. I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship. I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat. I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit. I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

02-25-2012, 02:11 PM	#4
PaPa Senior Member How Do You Identify?: GQ Butch Daddy Relationship Status: A Very Protective BIG Daddy... Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 2,657 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,597 Thanked 5,871 Times in 1,530 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

02-25-2012, 02:49 PM	#9
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,442 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

02-25-2012, 02:15 PM	#10
Daktari Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	I think it's possible to be friends with exes when you don't want to 'save' them. That would bring up a huge red light and clanging of bells for me. I would also ask why are you the only person she can turn to after two years. Has she not got friends of her own; has she not built a life for herself? If not, why not? You say it wasn't a great relationship for you. Why let her back and bring up what will probably not be great memories for you? Just take some time to consider why she would say that you were the only person who cared for her? Maybe she knows the buttons she needs to press? Just a thought. Can I remind you that you/we cannot save anyone, they can only do that themselves by actively engaging in whatever problem they have and being proactive on their own behalf. You will do what you want to do but my counsel would be, tread carefully.

02-25-2012, 02:29 PM	#11
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Yes yes and more yesess to the whole boundary idea. Don't just run out the door and greet her and rescue her and have your heart ripped to shreds. Make a deal with YOURSELF. Make your boundaries and stick to them. If it starts getting too much and those old feelings start to come up for air, step back. You can always be a friend without getting in too deep. It is your boundary that identifies how far you are willing to let her in...not her decision. That one is yours all by yourself. Don't let her set those standards of your heart. You are in control. I have exes i would still give a kidney to if they needed it, and truthfully, i would most likely come to any of their aids if they really were in need. But, i know my limits and am not quite the naive person i once was. Just go in with your eyes wide open and make sure you protect you. Good luck!!!!!! __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

02-25-2012, 03:36 PM	#14
Luv Member How Do You Identify?: .... Relationship Status: .. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: ..... Posts: 753 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,199 Thanked 1,217 Times in 367 Posts Rep Power: 12549741	Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

02-25-2012, 03:58 PM	#16
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,831 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	this question pops up all the time sometimes yes sometimes no no one will convince me that it's not a "different" friendship once people have been intimate. Nothing wrong with that, but it's different.

02-25-2012, 04:13 PM	#17
deedarino Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Woman Relationship Status: In recovery. Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Oregon Posts: 632 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,518 Thanked 1,955 Times in 496 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear. With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble. __________________ Squint your eyes and look closer. I'm not between you and your ambitions. I am a poster girl with no poster. I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head~Ani I want to think again of dangerous and noble things; I want to be light and frolicsome; I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing as if I had wings Mary Oliver

02-25-2012, 04:46 PM	#18
Cuddles Junior Member How Do You Identify?: A romantic butch who loves to cuddle... and steal your french fry when you're not looking! Preferred Pronoun?: No preference. Relationship Status: Single, always looking to mingle and maybe be tamed one day Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Northern Florida Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 191 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 1805812	Well that went better than I thought. She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot. However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself. It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

02-25-2012, 04:53 PM	#19
Estella Member How Do You Identify?: Straightforward Femme. What you see is what you get. Preferred Pronoun?: We Relationship Status: Sadie, Sadie ... married lady. Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Love that dirty water ... Posts: 355 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 94 Thanked 551 Times in 130 Posts Rep Power: 8279290	I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material. I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked. And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above. All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous. There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too. __________________ Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? -- Douglas Adams

02-25-2012, 04:07 PM	#20
Miss_J Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: ? Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 508 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,415 Thanked 1,558 Times in 324 Posts Rep Power: 10308963	Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take. Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow. I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to. Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience. __________________