Long Distance Relationships

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.

That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

Gosh, thanks for noticing After nearly a year together, in a successful LDR (LDR, for now), we really do enjoy every moment together, in person, and in all the ways we keep finding to spend time together in our day to day lives on opposite ends of the country. It takes a lot of love, and patience for waiting for each new visit. We constantly comment to each other about the fact that we are "virtually living together", and are already sharing our lives now, despite the distance.

I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles.

[StrongButch]

I will be returning to Atlanta to take care of things. But once that is done ill be back to Boston with my girl and her family. I will miss them but knowing ill return permanatly is comforting.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Gosh, thanks for noticing After nearly a year together, in a successful LDR (LDR, for now), we really do enjoy every moment together, in person, and in all the ways we keep finding to spend time together in our day to day lives on opposite ends of the country. It takes a lot of love, and patience for waiting for each new visit. We constantly comment to each other about the fact that we are "virtually living together", and are already sharing our lives now, despite the distance.

I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles.

I think many of us have seen what a beautiful and devoted love you two have. One can't help but admire your connection and I am so happy for you two. <3

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by Novelafemme

I think many of us have seen what a beautiful and devoted love you two have. One can't help but admire your connection and I am so happy for you two. <3

You are so kind Novela, thank you

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

{{{Boots}}} I remember rooting for you two and am so sorry things didn't work out. I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote above, and it breaks my heart a little to read such a stark and vulnerable truth.

If I were to ever chose to relocate in order to be with someone, the perfect scenario (in my fantasy world) would be that we both do so together. That way we would both be in the same boat and navigating a new life together.

[Novelafemme]

oops...I meant to type "choose"...sleepy me

[christie]

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

Boots -

Thank you for saying this. It is incredibly difficult to establish new community, especially as we grow older. The bars hold no appeal for me and I've also found that as I age, my willingness to put forth the efforts and emotional risks of finding and allowing people into my life is just not that profound.

There are times, in this amazing city, I feel absolutely alone. While all of choo's friends have been incredibly open and embraced me (with one exception), I've not found my "own" friends. Given my position of authority at work, I keep boundaries in place so I don't have the option of forming those close friendships.

I'm not sure of the answers... I've thought to expand out into a couple of crafty classes or something, but home always seems to call my name and I become quite content tending to my virtual chickens on facebook!

I'm glad that you brought this point to light because its not something we speak of, and it can be a really big speedbump.

I don't regret my move. Anything but. I wake every morning (cold feet and all), knowing how blessed I am to have such a love. However, I do wish that this piece of it would fall into place, sooner rather than later!

[~SweetCheeks~]

My Gf and I have been doing the LDR thing now for 14 months, and tho it has had it's tough times with not seeing eachother, I am so happy that in a little over a week we will be reunited.

[meridiantoo]

I just found this thread. I'm glad to find it as I see many unique issues in the LD relationship situation/dynamic that you don't experience in r/l relationships. I don't state this as saying my LD relationship is not also r/l, it is. I visit as often as possible with her, about 3-4X a year, which, of course, is never enough.

I will be reading through the posts made on the thread this week, but in the meantime, I wanted to make a post.

We have been LD for *sigh* 3.5 years now. These seems painfully long, and it has been at times, but it has also been necessary due to my situation (caring for an aging parent). This is the single most impacting cause for me to fear relocating. I feel guilt and frustration at the same time with the idea of leaving my mother here alone to care for herself. I can move to a state I don't know well where I know few people - I've done that before, no problem. But, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure, this time as I am not 20-something anymore.

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

I am lucky in that I work from home, so I am afforded the ability to visit her for long periods and be available for daily contact quite frequently; this helps a lot, I think. I can't imagine what we would do if I worked a 'real' job and could only speak for a small amount of time each day.

We have already worked through the 'Is she real or is this an online persona' thing as well as determined our level of trust in one another, so we don't have the deceit issues (Thank God).

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

......................

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

[TheMerryFairy]

I do need physical contact and knowing that about myself makes it hard to consider doing a long distance relationship. Plus I am going to be taking on a traveling business project so I will likely be moving around every few weeks for as long as I feel the need.

However, if I found somebody who understood and was willing to give it a try, I might attempt it. I still would like visits at least every few months but that is something I could arrange on my end, especially if they had other things to take care of.

I can adjust to any environment but I like alone time and intimacy, even if that is not sexual. I love being around people and I socialize as much as possible so I suppose it comes down to the right connection.

[thedivahrrrself]

On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.

1. You're going to have to get used to seeing each other a lot more often. Add living together to the mix, and it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. There's a difference getting to know each other when you're travelling to see someone and getting to know each other when you're both doing the daily grind of work and house chores, and all that jazz.
2. In a new community, you will need to make your own friends. It will be hard not to just make your partner's friends into your friends. Having your own space and some independence in a new city allows you to explore the city and the people without only seeing the city through your partner's eyes. In my eyes, this makes you less dependent on the person who already lives there, and I think some measure of independence is extremely important. If you move somewhere, and your whole world, in that new place, is your partner, that's a lot of pressure on them, and it only sets you up for disappointment when they can't be everything to you.
3. There is no such thing as "not moving in quick enough". LOL Many people (IMHO) move too quickly. I know I have before, and the results were disastrous. I'm working off the hypothesis that slower moving relationships may achieve more stable, long-term results. I will let you know how my research progresses

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

[TheMerryFairy]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it.

I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me.

[Italianboi]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I totally agree with u..is what I always keep saying....pity that not many feel the same....

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

You've given me a lot to think on, particularly regarding making visits "fantastic". You've hit on something there for me. I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times, and so I tend to feel that I have failed or ruined something when things aren't fantastic. That's probably not something I should keep putting myself, or my love, through.

It is good to hear from someone making things work. I wish for you that your situation allowed you to take the next step in your relationship.

[StrongButch]

I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but people in LDR's do all these things. Unless you move in with a girl on the first date, you're not going to wake up next to her every day. LDR's don't stay apart forever. Much like short-distance dating, at some point many people choose to live together, so you can't really compare living with someone to an LDR. That's an uneven comparison.

[StrongButch]

I want to say im sorry didnt mean to offend you or anyone. I have had LDR and just not what I want to do. I just want the option to get in my jeep or jump on a horse and go see her. Enjoy have a great week folks.