Infidelity

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

That sucks Julie, and I'm sorry for you.

But, I feel no guilt picking up a celebrity magazine or visiting the sites and don't feel it is wrong of me, either. It is an indulgence and form of escapism for sure.

I agree. Celebrities and pro athletes such as Tiger Woods live their lives in the spotlight and no matter how much they hate it or avoid it that's the way it is. I don't think Sandra/Jesse & all those others deserve to have reporters at their front door but they have traded a certain amount of their privacy for their success. That's the way it goes.
It is not the same thing to me if you are gossiping about someone you actually know or even if you just know them online. I'm not into that kind of drama/gossip.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I can't look away--so true!

I get what you are saying, here.

I can't believe how obsessed I have become over the Sandra/Jesse thing--it's embarrassing, but oh well.

I think it's because I was practically in tears listening to her on Barbra Walter's special and her speech at the Golden Globes the week before and how DAMN SURE she was about him. She didn't even care about marriage until she met him (and I can relate to that!). She really truly believed this was the first guy who was strong enough for her (her words) and that she trusted completely.

I think she was fooled completely and it does make you wonder about...wow, do you ever REALLY know someone? She was SO SURE about him! (and really cared about and loved his kids too) Ugh.

j

Well. I have two words for you: Balloon Boy.
I'm still not over that.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Did anyone watch The Today Show when Matt Lauer talked about the latest trend on the internet? I almost fell out of my chair, and Dino would have taken a nasty fall to the floor as well. Long story short, it is when people go online to social network sites like facebook, twitter, and so on and post horrible things about someone's child who had died. They used the example of the Mass girl who committed suicide, and went to her memorial page and showed the horrible messages left for her parents/family/friends to read. Some even included a rope that was in the shape of a neuse.

The next example was a young woman who commited suicide by driving her father's porche into a toll booth. Pictures of her mangled body ended up all over the web. When her mother went to her daughter's facebook page, she saw what her child looked like for the first time. She was told by the funeral director that she should just remember her daughter as she was. It was a closed casket funeral.

Then Matt Lauer interviewed some executive from an organization setup to try to stop this behavior, because it is not illegal as of yet. She was with wiredsafety.org. She said that these people are "trolls" and come from all over the world. They seek out to intentionally hurt others. That is their one goal. How horrible and sad. But more importantly, they are not who they say they are, and some are using other people's computers. The laws just are not there yet to protect anyone from this.

Julieisafemme, you are not alone. I had the same experience as you.

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I can't look away--so true!

I get what you are saying, here.

I can't believe how obsessed I have become over the Sandra/Jesse thing--it's embarrassing, but oh well.

I think it's because I was practically in tears listening to her on Barbra Walter's special and her speech at the Golden Globes the week before and how DAMN SURE she was about him. She didn't even care about marriage until she met him (and I can relate to that!). She really truly believed this was the first guy who was strong enough for her (her words) and that she trusted completely.

I think she was fooled completely and it does make you wonder about...wow, do you ever REALLY know someone? She was SO SURE about him! (and really cared about and loved his kids too) Ugh.

Me speculating. I feel like maybe there were some signs she over looked, maybe she should have known. Look at his previous wife. He's a bad boy. She wanted a bad boy. She got a bad boy. Me speculating and being judgy.

[julieisafemme]

No need to feel sorry for me. Or judged. I'm a grown up and take responsibility for the things I told people and the actions people are gossiping about. What I am trying to point out is that collateral damage of gossip on those indirectly involved. My partner's gender and sexuality is discussed amongst people who do not know him and have never had a conversation with me about it. That's gross.

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

That sucks Julie, and I'm sorry for you.

However, I feel no guilt picking up a celebrity magazine or visiting the sites and don't feel it is wrong of me, either. It is an indulgence and form of escapism for sure.


I love when my husband comes home with a Kit Kat and The Star (or some such)! Fill up the tub with bubbles and ahhhh!

[Soon]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

No need to feel sorry for me. Or judged. I'm a grown up and take responsibility for the things I told people and the actions people are gossiping about. What I am trying to point out is that collateral damage of gossip on those indirectly involved. My partner's gender and sexuality is discussed amongst people who do not know him and have never had a conversation with me about it. That's gross.

What I meant to say, is...I'm sorry that happened or is happening to you and yours. I didn't word it properly, but that is what I meant. I am sorry you are going or have gone through this; I am also not immune to these sorts of discussions and speculations among people who don't even know us or have our best interests at heart.

I agree what happened or is happening to you was/is wrong. For sure.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by EzeeTiger

Me speculating. I feel like maybe there were some signs she over looked, maybe she should have known. Look at his previous wife. He's a bad boy. She wanted a bad boy. She got a bad boy. Me speculating and being judgy.

I just heard the same response from someone I know....


my mom! hee!

I said but Mommmmm...she wanted to BELIEVE!!! (I'm all on the side of being swept away by someone later in life...(wonder why that is?! haha!).

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I think it's because I was practically in tears listening to her on Barbra Walter's special and her speech at the Golden Globes the week before and how DAMN SURE she was about him. She didn't even care about marriage until she met him (and I can relate to that!). She really truly believed this was the first guy who was strong enough for her (her words) and that she trusted completely.

I think she was fooled completely and it does make you wonder about...wow, do you ever REALLY know someone? She was SO SURE about him! (and really cared about and loved his kids too) Ugh.

I might just be getting cynical in my old age, but whenever someone makes a public pronouncement of how wonderful their relationship is, it sets off all kinds of red flags for me.

I am thinking either they are trying to convince themselves and/or others of something they are not sure about, or they have their heads so high in the clouds, they are a victim in the making.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Kobi

I might just be getting cynical in my old age, but whenever someone makes a public pronouncement of how wonderful their relationship is, it sets off all kinds of red flags for me.

I am thinking either they are trying to convince themselves and/or others of something they are not sure about, or they have their heads so high in the clouds, they are a victim in the making.

Interesting to think about.


Prior to this marriage, she was always pretty quiet about her personal life. I think she felt secure enough to discuss her thoughts on marriage and how it made her a better person and actor because she truly believed in the veracity of his love for her. If that's having her head in the clouds and being a victim in the making, that's a bit sad.


I'm not sure I'm with the first theory of trying to convince herself. But, we'll never know what she knew or was thinking. Personally, watching the footage of her discussing her love for him--it seemed very natural and not contrived to convince herself or anyone.

I think that is what would get to me the most--telling everyone how my marriage and guy made my life so much better--how incredible he is--meanwhile he's been betraying me throughout.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Interesting to think about.


Prior to this marriage, she was always pretty quiet about her personal life. I think she felt secure enough to discuss her thoughts on marriage and how it made her a better person and actor because she truly believed in the veracity of his love for her. If that's having her head in the clouds and being a victim in the making, that's a bit sad.


I'm not sure I'm with the first theory of trying to convince herself. But, we'll never know what she knew or was thinking. Personally, watching the footage of her discussing her love for him--it seemed very natural and not contrived to convince herself or anyone.

I think that is what would get to me the most--telling everyone how my marriage and guy made my life so much better--how incredible he is, while he's been betraying me throughout.

Only they know the truth, maybe. I just know what process is set off for me when I hear something like this.

And, I do believe there are always clues to cheating which we often choose to ignore. People are patterns of behavior. When the pattern changes, its time to look at whats happening.

[Martina]

It's misogynistic IN THE EXTREME to say that women are given a pass on infidelity. IN THE EXTREME. It shouldn't be tolerated here. It's not civilized conversation. Women have been killed and put in mental institutions for infidelity. In the subculture i come from, it's assumed that men will cheat. It's a remarkable man who doesn't. If a woman cheats, everyone is concerned that her husband or boyfriend might kill her and whoever she slept with.

In the past it's been considered justifiable to kill a woman for infidelity. It still is in some places. It's also been an excuse to take children away from women.

There is long history of violence associated with this issue.

i cannot believe anyone would assert that women are given a pass on this. i do not think any assertion that they are is an innocent one.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Martina

It's misogynistic IN THE EXTREME to say that women are given a pass on infidelity. IN THE EXTREME. It shouldn't be tolerated here. It's not civilized conversation. Women have been killed and put in mental institutions for infidelity. In the subculture i come from, it's assumed that men will cheat. It's a remarkable man who doesn't. If a woman cheats, everyone is concerned that her husband or boyfriend might kill her and whoever she slept with.

In the past it's been considered justifiable to kill a woman for infidelity. It still is in some places. It's also been an excuse to take children away from women.

There is long history of violence associated with this issue.

i cannot believe anyone would assert that women are given a pass on this. i do not think any assertion that they are is an innocent one.

If being publicly happy about your relationship is a red flag, then we've lost all hope.

It is also beyond ridiculous to believe that women are given a pass.

[The_Lady_Snow]

What I do not understand is......

Why the hell are we surprised when a celebrity marriage goes down the tubes?

I mean come on really folks, they get married what every 6 to 14 months, on the bf.dom people are in love and pretend married what every 2 to 7 months?

It's no different, for some unknown fucked up reason, we love to stick our noses in shit, no matter how bad it smells....

[Martina]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

If being publicly happy about your relationship is a red flag, then we've lost all hope.

i missed that part. i hope we can all be publicly happy about our relationships.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Kobi

When I started this thread, I was just curious how people view fidelity and how people have reacted to infidelity in their own lives.

This thread's topic became very relavent to me, as of last night. Julie mentioned collateral damage. Well, insert my picture and a couple others in the dictionary for that, because that's where I'm at now.

How do people react? Let's see....there was screaming and shouting and crying....me trying to soothe the dogs who were going crazy because they don't like fighting....something got slammed into the wall and the 30 pound vacuum cleaner was hauled upstairs....a friend from work was called in to help diffuse the situation and/or provide a witness....threats of calling the other's command and potentially ending what has been a prestigious career thus far....me turning the TV up and holding the dogs close because if I go upstairs I would be all up in other people's Koolaid....one friend standing in stony silence and the other crying so hard she could hardly breathe...the hapless 'witness' awkwardly standing in the corner rubbing his head and taking off and putting on his hat over and over again....and now, less than 24 hours after it began, I don't know whether I and our other housemate need to start looking for another place to live since a realtor was at the house this morning estimating its value, the offending party has been kicked out and other party is still pushing at the bit to go to his command, not realizing the fallout of that decision not only for him, but for her as well.

Yeah, it kinda looks like that.

[Boots13]

Infidelity is narcissism at its prime
it is gluttony beyond any sense of the word
it is an intentional chaotic act of power
and a fractal act of cowardice by a pig unable to comprehend the
incalculable effects of self absorption.
it is unforgivable.

I felt for you Softness.
I, too, lost my home when I walked away. A barn and kennels that I built, fields that I fenced, and a house that overlooked a lake and valley. I sold it for a song and walked away suffering a huge financial and emotional loss after discovering the affair. No counseling, no negotiation, no forgiveness, nothing. Done.

I came to understand that losing my home hurt more than the affair. The person I shared it with was someone I ultimately didn't know, nor did I care to. Retrospect is so clear.

It happened to me twice.

I also swore that nobody. NOBODY would hold sway over my emotions. If I wouldn't dive headfirst into emotions then it wasn't time to do anything but enjoy friends and spend time with family. And when I was ready I opened up , completely, again.

I've never looked back, other than to clearly define the act of infidelity as nothing but a self-absorbed act of cowardice and destruction.

By the way, can you tell I have ZERO tolerance.

[theoddz]

Originally Posted by Kobi

I might just be getting cynical in my old age, but whenever someone makes a public pronouncement of how wonderful their relationship is, it sets off all kinds of red flags for me.

I am thinking either they are trying to convince themselves and/or others of something they are not sure about, or they have their heads so high in the clouds, they are a victim in the making.

No, you're not getting cynical.

Like the rest of us who also spot that sort of thing, you've just got a good nose for bullshittery.

Fairytales are for books and the gullible because people are human.

Relationships take work and the only "perfect" part of how they work is how successful the parties are at working things out.

~Theo~

[Soft*Silver]

[QUOTE=Boots13;76696]
I came to understand that losing my home hurt more than the affair. The person I shared it with was someone I ultimately didn't know, nor did I care to. Retrospect is so clear. QUOTE]

Oh a big AMEN to this! I can do without a cheating partner. I can date and find another one...but I cant recapture my childhood farm. I lost it and my dream of raising horses. I had it all there, in the cup of my hands, but because I wasn't "available" to him because I was in so much pain over a broken dislocated shoulder, he felt it justified him going outside of our marraige.

Never again will I let go of a house for a partner. Never again will I let someone give me then take away a home. I own my own home now, free and clear. I am also living contently single....

[Dude]

Originally Posted by Jet

I have cheated and i have been cheated on, so I don't do relationships anymore. The thing about that scum ass Jesse James is that he was never man enough to handle her success. He's weak enough to act out being shown up by her limelight and tremendous success. She's gorgeous; brilliant, level and has million things going for her....any man who's a real man would die for that and he's nothing but a sleaze ass fuckin' baby who was nothing without her. Prick. My .02

looks like Sandra found her "real man" and she doesn't even know it yet

maybe you can photo shop the two of you in the alps or something?


hoping the sig line pic gets quoted, so it is clear what I'm referring to....
sigh....no it didnt....holy hell with spam on top


"real men" don't like quiche anyways
plus I always spell virile ...viral
damn it

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Kobi

I might just be getting cynical in my old age, but whenever someone makes a public pronouncement of how wonderful their relationship is, it sets off all kinds of red flags for me.

I am thinking either they are trying to convince themselves and/or others of something they are not sure about, or they have their heads so high in the clouds, they are a victim in the making.

It makes me sad to think that talking about having a wonderful relationship is a red flag.

How has infidelity looked in my life?
That sick feeling in my stomach when I KNOW something has been going on
losing my place to live
losing who I thought was my best friend...for a time
it all being blamed on me
thinking I was losing my mind
being told I was crazy and jealous
having my partner's girfriend's husband knocking on my window at 3am looking for his wife while I was keeping her kids
having my partner move a new G/F into our house after a week
finding out it was all worse than my most extreme fears....

But the good is, I am stronger and happier and have a great life. I refuse to think of my 5 year relationship now as a red flag. It is good and we work hard at making it so.

Yes I have forgiven those who cheated on me, compared to other stuff that is happened in my life, being cheated on is far from the worst thing that can happen. Far.