Lesbian bed death?

[*Anya*]

I can't even count all the ways this is non-scientific, not evidence-based, sexist, etc. Absolutely ridiculous! In what universe are women naturally passive? Really? At first I thought you were joking until I realized you weren't!
Comparing us to animals? Sheep?!

Lesbian bed-death, I won't comment other than my own prior experience of 19 years with same woman, 18 living together because I have seen no studies on it done with a large, random-sample of lesbians, using a validated instrument for the study. It seems like a lot of generalizations to me. Did we have a hell of a lot more sex at age 29-30 than we did almost 20 years later, of course; for many of the reasons At Last Home stated in her comments. But did our bed die? Hardly!

We always need to be careful of generalizations and a self-fullfilling prophecy!

[The cute widdle wesbian]

Lolol, it's so fun making people just cringe. Chill out, I know what I do and you can believe whatcha want to, I'm just explaining what I meant, don't shoot the messenger. I didn't make it up. Oooh, it doesn't "self-fulfill" me, I'm perfectly happily sexual sexual sexual. :P

[Admin]

Originally Posted by The cute widdle wesbian

Lolol, it's so fun making people just cringe. Chill out, I know what I do and you can believe whatcha want to, I'm just explaining what I meant, don't shoot the messenger. I didn't make it up. Oooh, it doesn't "self-fulfill" me, I'm perfectly happily sexual sexual sexual. :P

Cute Widdle Wesbian,

Welcome to the site!
I don't know if your intent in this thread is to, indeed, "make people cringe" but I've had a couple of complaints from folks who think you are a troll looking to stir up trouble on this site. I really hope that isn't the case and that your humor just isn't translating well.

Either way, please review the Terms of Service for this site so that you will have a clear idea of how we would like the membership to interact with one another:


http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/inde...20of%20Service

Thanks,
Admin

[Mel]

My last round of Chemo seriously effected my sex drive. It wasn't that I lost interest.....I tried to explain to my wife it must be how men feel with E.D. You want to.....you just can't.
I did lose interest in even trying when it became obvious she was getting her needs met elsewhere.
She moved out in August after 10 years together.
I have a "tentitive" date for NYE.........but will I be expected to do the NYE kiss?? I know this may sound odd, but I've been faithful to the ex since our first kiss in 2001. Even now....casual sex just doesn't interest me at all anymore.
Maybe I'm just being gun shy.
Suggestions.....comments....

[imperfect_cupcake]

I had bed death in a relationship once. It was with my boyfriend (xy male) at the time. We were both young and the best of friends. There was nothing "wrong" with our relationship to each other (no trust issues broken, we loved each other tons etc) but I think that our extremely high level of intimacy without the frission of sexual adventure made it just melt into a friendship only thing. The last year we were together, we had sex about four times, I think. It was pretty clunky the last two times. If you don't use it, you lose it - and what I didn't know back then was: you have to put aside times to just have a go anyway. and do it while doing something new and what both turns you on.

I like diiiiirty sex. And it wasn't dirty any more so I lost my desire for it. Not for him, really, just for the calm, intimate sex that is nice as a topping but I just can't get into as a main course. I also didn't know that then. I do know better now. stressors still happen and I have highly intimate relationships (which can put stress on your love life). But I know now to say, "I want my hands tied if you are going to do that" or "how bout here on the couch instead of in bed" - having sex in bed every single time in exactly the same way because we are both super tired most of the time and want to have sex but have 20 minutes to do so cause we need sleep... is a killer for me. I'd rather not have sex for an extra week then have it on a weekend afternoon we've put aside (regardless of if I'm in the mood or not - I can be stirred into the mood if it's different, novel, dirty or nasty in some way) because repetitiveness will get me to "neh, I think I'm too tired. lets sleep"

And from what I hear from my other friends, that's a common complaint that does lead to het/homo bed death.

[Shystonefem]

My ex yelled and screamed, at some point, every single day. Hurtful words, name calling, etc... I stayed because I loved her but our sex life went from once or twice each day to maybe once every three weeks.

I am not going to have sex with you if, 2 hours earlier, you were mean and nasty to me.

[Poss]

no wonder she's your ex!

I've never been treated like that by any of my partners to know what you must of gone through. I could not be intimate with anyone who spoke to me like that. She'd get zip satisfaction from me ...that's for sure.

[oboejive]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

Maybe thinking back to when your partner was sexual might help. What did she like? What turned her on? I don't know that planning sex is the best way to go as it seems like it becomes more of a chore at that point?? Maybe not but that's the way I might see it. Wear some sexy lingerie for her without telling her what you are doing. Play strip poker. See if she will let you give her a massage, relaxing her first and then maybe doing some things that she might consider sexy. Good luck to you and yours!

[SunnySonja]

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies.

[RockOn]

I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

[firegal]

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

[oboejive]

Me too! I've always had a high sex drive, and everything was super peachy at the beginning of the relationship until it went *poof* and disappeared. Then, I began to internalize and wonder if it was me or was it her (and around and around I went in my head...thinking too much). Now, the question is how to bring it back and to do it in such a way that it was like when we first met, but if it can't happen, I guess if it doesn't end up being both ways, I'll have to re-evaluate.

Originally Posted by RockOn

I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

[oboejive]

True I can see how different circumstances can really play into a lack of sexual intimacy in general. Hmm...don't think too much...that is something I have to learn to definitely do. I guess that would be my biggest downfall sometimes.

Originally Posted by SunnySonja

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual.

If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven

[oboejive]

It was very sexual at first and she used to drink a lot but doesn't drink now. I don't know if it was the alcohol or what, but our sexual relationship banished despite the fact that I am frustrated and want to have sex with her only to hear that she's tired or she thinks she has a sexual disorder or the fact that she works between 60-70 hours a week, and we are like passerbys in the night.

Originally Posted by Kobi

I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual.

If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

[oboejive]

She used to be on meds for depression but is no longer, but her job...it's totally stressful I can tell. She works as a clinical director for a substance abuse facility but was doing the job of clinical director and two therapists at once. It was nuts! She comes home exhausted a lot. I'm thinking this has a lot to do with it, but I keep trying to figure out the happy medium :\

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

[Jane Bond]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

<<<

There are many books about rejuvenating one's sexual desire, and for waning desire with a specific mate there are couple's books, too. There also are some meditative, Eastern philosophy practices that apparently ramp things up. Some therapists specialize in revving up couples. My GYN suggested replacement hormones after menopause, but one was an icky smelling cream used vaginally and the others were pills that could cause breast cancer. Living together gives some people the sense that it's too easy; it's always there, so why panic? It's definitely a use it or lose it thing.
I think the trick is to choose a partner whose sexual energy turns you on (and vise versa) at the beginning. If it's not red hot in the beginning, it will never get much hotter from what I've seen, heard, read about and experienced. If both partners work hard to once again be the sexy beasts they were when they first started chasing one another, that's a start.
Also, my wife and I tried this thing she read about where on day one you don't get to touch but you make sure romance is in the air, with music and candles, etc. Next day you get to hold hands but nothing more. One night was really fun when we got to touch all we wanted but not with our hands. By the time we were free to do anything, we did everything. A lot.