All of Me

[Massive]

What you want

If you want someone who will sit and take it without striking back,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone to walk all over,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone who’s perfect in the way you want,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone who won’t sit and listen without judging,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone who isn’t romantic,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone who’s Superman,
Wrong fucking reality
So keep on walking by.
If want someone who isn’t honest and blunt,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone to bash when you’re not happy,
Keep on walking by.
If you want someone to be nice to in public but talk to like shit in private,
Keep on walking by,
If you want someone who isn’t Me,
Then keep right on fucking walking,
Because I happen to like who I am,
Faults and all,
At least I’m willing to learn.
I may be stuck in the past,
But I’m more than aware of it.
I am Me,
Don’t like it?
Tough shit.
I’m not changing for anyone,
Want someone you can construct from the feet up??
Find some nice little sub to use,
Keep on walking by,
Accept me as I am,
Or don’t even bother to pretend you know me,
I’m done with being treated like a fuckin’ idiot,
Nobody has the right to judge me when they don’t take the time to get to know me,
So, Yeah, just keep on walking by.

17/08/11
M

[Massive]

Who am I?


If I can’t be me,
Then what else am I supposed to be?
A lie?
Some fictional character that can never exist?
Someone else other than myself?
I thought it was supposed to be accepting me for who I am,
Not trying to change me every time I turn around,
What did I do wrong?
Did I even do anything really?
Other than be me?
It’s like trying to build a jigsaw with none of the right pieces,
I’m no mind reader,
Don’t take it out on me cos your life’s shit,
I’ve done nothing wrong,
I’m thousands of fucking miles away,
Don’t I deserve to be happy??
Really??
One hand comforts,
While the other slaps me down and calls it caring,
What kind of life would that be?
Walking around on tiptoes to keep you happy?
And totally ignoring my own heart breaking daily.
But, oh, yes,
I’m too emotional,
I cry too much,
Even though I’ve never cried so much in my entire life,
But no, I’m wrong of course.
Seriously??
Are you for real?
Did you not remember me telling you I won’t take shit?
Do you not remember making all the decisions then telling me after?
Last time I checked adults sat down and talked,
They discussed things,
They don’t dictate.
Well, friends it is,
And nothing more.
Just like you wanted.

17/08/11
M

[Massive]

Suddenly:

My eyes are open to other possibilities.
I can see what’s around Me.
My bullshit meter works again.
I can smell the roses.
I can be Me.
There’s a whole new world out there.
It’s all at My fingertips.
I don’t have to answer to anyone but Me.
It’s My life.
I make My own choices.
I walk My own path.
I feel free.
I can see it what for what it is.
I know I don’t have to just settle.
I can have what’s right for Me.
I don’t feel selfish.
I don’t have to apologise for not doing it the ‘right’ way.
I don’t have to walk on ice.
I can speak My mind.
I can relax again.
I don’t have to run and cry in the dark.
I can listen to the sound of My own heartbeat.
I can do what I want.
I can be guilt free.
I can start again.
I feel like I’m not carrying anything but Myself.
I can smile again.
I can talk for hours without worrying of repercussions.
It’s all for Me.

18/08/11
M

[Massive]

Silence

You keep on trying to silence Me,
Is that what friends do in your world?
Funny because in mine we support each other,
Even if we disagree we still talk with civility,
No passive/aggressive comments,
We say what we think face to face.
You keep on trying to silence Me,
Didn’t you give up that right when you ended it?
If you want to life your life your way,
Feel free,
I’m not stopping you,
So stop trying to make Me not live mine,
Cos it’s pathetic ...
You keep on trying to silence Me,
What gives you the right to tell Me what I can or cannot think??
“I want you to be happy”
So that means belittling Me,
Talking behind My back,
Not to My face,
Like an actual adult.
You keep on trying to silence Me,
Oh, Wait, I forgot, I was the only one in the relationship, stupid Me?
It’s funny how people warp things,
So they don’t have to accept their own appalling behaviour,
They don’t have to take a long hard look at themselves,
Remember, when you point one finger, all the rest are pointed right back at yourself.
You keep on trying to silence Me,
Guess what?
No fucker will silence Me.
No-one will ever silence Me.
People who actually know Me,
Well, they know that doesn’t work.
Thank Goddess for endings,
They mean new beginnings,
Moving on to better things,
Shame I’m the only one to see that...

19/08/11
M

[Massive]

If I could take back every angry hurtful word I would,
But you forgave me,
As I forgave you,
And it changed completely.
You saw right into my heart,
And knew where it all came from,
And you knew just what to say to open my eyes once again.
Whatever did I do to deserve you?
I now have a love, a partner and a friend,
Who can ever truly ask for more?
This path may lead us apart,
But regardless we will love one another,
And defend one another from anyone standing in our way.
Complicated doesn’t come close,
But this is our choice,
Not theirs.
Other people may understand,
While others can never,
But it makes sense to us and works because we want it to,
And that’s more than good enough for me.
This life is a blessing,
As is the love we share,
No matter what or where we may become,
That will remain true forever.
So thank you for being in my life,
For never leaving,
For understanding,
For being you.

21/08/11
M

[Massive]

Freedom

I’m tired of fighting for nothing,
I’m done,
The book is closed for good this time.
You wouldn’t listen to me,
That’s fine,
I know I tried my best,
And I know I deserve so much better than this.
I deserve someone who will listen,
Who won’t pre-judge me based on a past that’s not mine,
One who takes the time to understand.
I love me,
I love all my complexities,
Because they are what makes me who I am.
But I’m free now,
You did show me that,
And I would thank you if you could listen,
But such is life.
I’m carrying on with my life,
I’m taking what I need,
And leaving the negative crap behind me,
It’s not going to drag me down,
You’re not going to take me down to your level.
I’m rising above,
Moving onwards and upwards,
Where I can soar,
Where I can be with my true friends and Family.
You didn’t want this?
Not my problem,
Nor my loss.
Good luck,
But I don’t have to bend over backwards to keep you smiling now,
You fired me from that position,
Now I’m smiling for me and mine,
Because I know who and what I have to love,
And who loves me,
Truly loves Me in return.

24/08/11
M

[Massive]

Why???

This is tearing me apart,
The indecision,
The doubts,
It’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest and I don’t know what can fill it ever again.
I’m torn between seeking the happiness I’ve always craved,
And not knowing if I can take being hurt all over again.
It’s not even barely emotional pain now,
It’s physical,
Like being stabbed repeatedly in the chest.
I don’t think I’m ready for this,
Will I ever be?
Will I ever know the answers?
Will I ever have a love that isn’t so fucking complicated?
Will it ever stop hurting?
I want love,
But is love worth sleepless nights,
Making myself ill with worry and stress,
Never knowing if it will be sweet or nasty to talk?
I just want the pain to be over,
I want my Mum to come wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be okay,
I want someone to hold me,
Why is that such a terrible thing?
Why does being butch mean I have to be the one who sets the rules,
Who has to take every blow on the chin,
Shrug it off like it can’t hurt,
Doesn’t hurt,
Never hurts,
When it tears me up inside worse than being shot or stabbed?
I love who I love,
But the pain of this is too much,
I can’t make a decision,
But I have to,
Life’s just like that.
A fucking fucked up mess of a fucking fucked up choice,
Whichever way I go means hurting,
Either hurting her,
Or hurting myself.
Which is the right choice?
Is there one?
Do I try?
But then what do I do if it falls around my ears again?
Can I take that,
Can I take hours of crying so hard it leaves my throat and chest feeling raw?
Can I live with myself knowing that it might be the best thing to happen to me?
Can I take these endless doubts??
I don’t know,
I just don’t fucking know,
And it’s tearing me up inside more and more,
The harder I think or try,
The worse it gets...
I want to cry,
And cry,
And cry,
Until all the pain goes away,
But I can’t do it,
It’s too deep,
It won’t go away right now.
I need time to think,
But the longer I leave it,
The worse it could get.
Why does love have to be this way?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Why do I try to be?
Just,
Why?

30/08/11
M

[Massive]

Honesty?

Why even bother saying it,
If you don’t mean it?
Why keep on saying something,
When you know it hurts?
If it’s so hard for you to say,
Then I say fucking save it for the next fool.
I didn’t think it was possible to be this pissed off,
To be so totally unable to believe the words,
Coming from someone who allegedly loves me.
Right people,
Wrong time?
Really??
Is that seriously all you could say?
And then wonder why I may just happen to be upset,
If that’s the only reasoning you can give,
When you said it was forever,
YOU said it,
Repeatedly and publically.
Guess what?
I can’t believe you,
I can’t believe I let myself trust you again,
More fool me.
Just another fool that’s me,
Cos I can’t possibly know my own mind,
Or what I want out of life...
Oh, wait, no, I have issues with my emotions and expressing them...
Oh, no, that would be you.
You have taught me one thing,
To never take things at face value again,
To not trust people and see what good could be in them,
To not believe a word anyone else says,
To only see the negative,
To pick faults with what makes someone themselves.
Thanks,
I really needed that.
Like a hole in the head.
Yet more lies.
Self-perpetuating bullshit.
You don’t love someone and dump them,
In the real world you’re honest enough to admit to not feeling anything at all.
Honesty?
Yeah, not sure I believe that word any more.

30/09/11
M

[Massive]

We Are All Worthy

Alone I stand,
But I will not fall,
I will not fall,
Because I am worth it,
We are all worth it.
We all deserve something right and good in this life,
We can all attain it,
Without having to worry about sleepless nights,
And other fables that others try to force upon us.
How hard is it to shoulder these responsibilities?
With your head held high,
Facing every sunrise,
No fear,
No despair,
It is easy.
We all deserve that someone,
We make our own fates,
If we do bad,
Then we end up with what we deserve,
My conscience is clear,
I have done and always have done my very best.
I may stand alone,
But I’m never truly alone,
Because I can see what else is out there,
What is there to reach out and grasp,
I left my blinders way back when,
My past may affect my future,
But I can see how and why,
And I can and do control it,
Unlike some.
I can love whoever and however I choose,
It’s got nothing to do with anyone else,
As to who lives within me,
I choose.
Just as I choose my path,
Without being judged by someone else’s standards,
Someone else’s fucked up past.
I can stand true and proud,
For I am my own person,
I can sleep sound at night,
Because no-one controls my life,
I can live,
I can love,
I can be me.
Not what someone else expects of me,
What they choose me to be,
Because I am just fine as I am,
I may fuck up,
We all do,
It’s called being human,
And once we accept our own humanity,
That’s when we are truly free.
That is when we become worthy,
Because we are all worthy,
We’re all worth being happy,
We’re all worth being free.
Embrace it.
Or life in the dark forever
...

07/09/11
M

[girl_dee]

Lovely and wonderful, as always...

[Massive]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Lovely and wonderful, as always...

*smiles* Thank you, and as always I appreciate your support

[Massive]

Jealousy?

Am I supposed to get jealous?
When you wave your drama around in front of me,
When you jump from relationship to relationship,
Only days after you dump me,
Am I supposed to feel guilty for what I lost out on?
No,
I don’t think so,
I’m not stooping to your level,
I don’t have to,
Because I know I’m better than that,
I know what I’m worth,
And I’m worth far more than you could ever have given me.
Funny how you can go from proposing marriage,
To sleeping with your ex,
In such a short period of time,
That’s not love,
That’s using people for your own ends.
That’s lower than low,
That’s beneath contempt.
So why should I get jealous?
Why can’t I be the adult?
Get on with your life,
Whatever,
You dumped me...
If we get right down to it,
What a fascinating case study you would be,
But that would mean paying more attention,
To more bullshit and lies,
And yeah,
You’re so not worth that.
Sorry,
I’ve got a life,
How about you?
You’ve got to come around me all the time,
Bragging about shit that means nothing to me,
Grow up,
I had thought you were an adult,
How wrong was I?
Guess I was the only adult in the relationship,
But you live and learn,
I won’t let someone use
Or abuse me,
Because they have self-esteem issues,
Guess what?
Adults in love are not abusive to their partners!
Guess what?
You did me a favour when you dumped me!
Because I can hold my head up high,
And let other people see you for the hypocrite you are,
And I don’t even have to say a single word,
Because you’re saying it all for me,
By trying to be the star attraction,
In a circus of bullshit you’ve created,
Good luck,
But please,
Just stay the fuck away from me with your filth.
I pass,
I don’t want nor need it,
Never did,
I guess it wasn’t ever love,
Because I can’t even pity you now,
All I feel is contempt,
Nothing else.
I made a good escape from all that,
Thank fuck for that.
So,
Carry on trying to make me jealous sweetheart,
The only way I see it is I missed having to spend a life in misery with you,
So who won that one?
Looks to me like it was me
...

07/09/11
M

[Massive]

Beyond Contempt

Spewing out your filth and bullshit lies,
You’re parasites,
And deserve just what you get.
You think hurting people is acceptable?
Well, you’re wrong,
It makes you worse than scum,
It makes you beyond contempt,
You say you don’t feel guilt?
Don’t feel sorry in any way?
If that’s the case,
Why bolster your lack of self-esteem
By lashing out at the few who could give a damn?
Why hurt people who’ve done nothing wrong,
Other than care about you,
And wrongly so,
Because you don’t deserve it,
You barely deserve the hatred you create.
All you are are seething pits of negative blackness,
Devouring or destroying all that is good in this world,
And thinking your actions are justified,
Well guess what?
You’re still wrong.
Karma’s the bitch that will bite you back,
Because you get what you give out
Back tenfold,
And there won’t be anybody there to pick up the pieces,
Because you lost anyone who could’ve cared long ago.
So carry on with your pathetic lives,
Just don’t drag the rest of us down to your level in the process,
Some of us happen to give a damn,
Some of us have hearts and consciences,
Some of us care,
Some of us have real feelings,
Some of us are worth it.
You are not.

09/09/11
M

[Massive]

Progress

There was a time when all I thought about was you,
You lit up my life there was nothing I could not do,
But then you went away because what I had was not enough,
Now the nights are long and once calm seas have become rough.

I don’t know what else I could have done when I gave all I had to give,
Every drop of my blood I would have given just to know that you still live,
But no more and never again because you made me a lifeless husk,
The light of the day is fading now growing darker into dusk.

Was my love so meaningless to you that you could turn away so fast?
When day after day all you ever said was that we were meant to last.

It’s all about you,
It’s always been about you,
The one who stole my heart away,
Then walked out of my life,
It’s all about you,
It’s all about you,
This thing called life is all about you.

But I can’t keep on looking back with such anger,
Because all that does is leave my life like some kind of stranger,
We all deserve better than wallowing in self-doubt,
At the end of the day there is always a way out.

It’s no longer all about you,
It’s about me and my life,
My heart is my own,
It belongs to those who deserve it,
It’s no longer all about you,
It doesn’t ever have to be about you,
My life is my own and it always has been separate from you.

M
05/02/12

[Massive]

What I want to be

I want to be the one,
I want to be the only one.
I want to be the one who holds her close,
I want to be there no matter what,
I want to be the one who says I love you,
I want to be the one who supports her,
I want to be the one who makes it all go away,
I want to be the one who falls asleep with her in my arms,
I want to be the one who can share the good and the bad.
I want to be the one who sees her for who she is,
I want to be the one who shows her how I see her through my eyes.
I want to be the one who never lets her go,
I want to be the one who shares my life with her,
I want to be the one who walks down the street holding her hand,
I want to be the one who is proud of who she is,
I want to be the one who says “Yes, that beautiful woman is with me.”
I want to be the one who will hold her when she cries,
I want to be the one who celebrates everything she achieves,
I want to be the one who encourages her to be all that she is,
I want to be her everything.
I want to be the one who can make her smile,
I want to be her go-to guy,
I want to be the one who watches her sleep,
I want to be the one who brings her flowers just because.
I want to be the one who is also one of her best friends,
I want to be the one who watches the sunrise and sunset with her,
I want to be the one that can be her shoulder to lean on,
I want to be the one who is good enough for her,
I want to be someone she can trust,
I want to be the one who she can talk with about anything, everything and nothing,
I want to be the one who can sweep her off her feet.
I want to be the one who sees the love in her eyes,
I want to be the one who smells her skin, her hair, while her head rests on my chest,
I want to be there laying in bed with her listening to her heart beating,
I want to be the one who can smell her on me whenever we are apart.
I want to be the one,
I want to be the only one,
I want to be with her,
I want to find her too.

M
13/02/12

[girl_dee]

Awesome! ..................

[Massive]

Thank you dee!

[Massive]

Life

I don’t want to wait,
I have to believe in fate.
I have to stop being afraid of having my heart broken.
I need to be able to trust,
Not only myself but someone else.
Living with pain isn’t a life,
It isn’t a reason to want to get up every morning,
I have to be honest,
I need to let go of the past.
But how do you do that?
It happened for a reason,
It’s what made me who I am now,
Yet it’s holding me back,
It’s stopping me from growing and living and being a whole person.
I know who I am now,
I know where I am now,
But how can I keep facing this when I’m all alone?
I don’t want to be all alone,
But how can I be there for someone else when I’m so afraid?
I’m scared of being alone,
I’m scared of being with someone who will have to take care of me.
I need to take care of myself,
Even though every day is a living hell,
It’s a struggle to get up,
To keep on keeping on.
I don’t want to wait,
But I have to,
I have to do it for me,
I need to prove that I can do it,
Alone or not,
I have to live.
People need me,
They rely on me,
They need me.
So I’ll keep on waiting,
Wondering if I’ll ever find someone,
But this life is what it is,
It happens,
Nothing will change that.
So I’m waiting,
And waiting,
Just waiting.

16/02/12
M

[Massive]

Believe

Stop what you’re doing.
Just Stop.
Look up at the sky,
Raise your eyes from this dreary life,
And look at the beauty around you.
Listen to the wind,
Hear the waves rolling onto the beach,
Feel the birds singing as they greet each new day,
Love our Mother.
Call her what you want,
Mother, Gaia, The Earth, Our Teacher,
She is shouting out with every fibre of Her being.
So stop and listen,
See what She is sharing with us all,
Her beautiful land that She made for us to walk on,
The air She makes so we can breathe,
The sights She created for us to view with awe.
Stop,
Listen,
Breathe,
Be.
She has given us unconditional Love,
Everywhere you go,
Everywhere you look,
There is beauty to see,
If you only take the time to find it.
She feeds and nurtures us,
Never asking for anything in return.
See the beauty in Her smallest and greatest creations.
Please,
Stop,
Look,
Count the stars,
Smell the sweet scented grass you walk past,
Look at the beauty of a leaf,
The dew caught in a spiders web,
The cry of a newborn lamb,
The sweet song of the birds flying by,
She is all around us,
Be thankful for what we are given,
This life we have may be short,
But there is so much out there to see,
So much to share.
So Just Stop,
Raise your eyes from the ground,
Go Look.
Believe.

22/04/13

[Massive]

Prisoner

Doesn't matter how far I walk away,
Or how many things I try to say,
I will always be your prisoner.
I could go away into the sunset,
While you believe you can always forget,
You will always be my prisoner.
We're tied together with a bond so strong,
Even though it's obvious we can't get along,
I am trapped within your prison walls.
Can't you see those lies you tell yourself,
Are the reason you can't see yourself,
You are stuck being those prison doors.
Just stop yelling and always blaming me,
You created this whole fantasy,
I can never be your prisoner.
I decided all those years ago,
I was the one who never let you know,
You have to stop being the prisoner.