Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Girl_On_Fire]

For the past year I've struggled to come to terms with the verbally abusive and toxic relationship I had with my ex. I know it will take a long time to fully heal from the damage. I also know I'm not alone. Millions of people have been in verbally, physically, and sexually abusive relationships. In some cases, all three.

I'd like to start a thread discussing the potential warning signs of abusive relationships, which may help those who might be unknowingly entering into one think twice about getting further involved. Also, for those who have difficulty recognizing them often and follow a harmful pattern. (I definitely fall into this category).

For those of you who have been in abusive relationships and feel comfortable sharing:

• What were your first warning signs that something was wrong?
• Were there actions or behaviors that you may have missed or dismissed at first only to later realize were big red flags?
• Do you have any advice you'd like to give to others so they they too, don't go through what you've been through?

Education is very important and how many of us have come from families where we were treated less-than-lovingly and therefore weren't quite aware how we were supposed to be treated in relationships as an adult?

This is our thread. Survivors-turned-educators unite!

[cinnamongrrl]

You're certainly not alone.... <3

It takes a lot of strength to leave even a bad situation....

I will likely post here at a time when I can better collect my thoughts on the matter...

[Sweet Bliss]

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

Wow.

Just wow.

Okay, Bliss. When IS it appropriate to talk about abuse and how to potentially avoid and/or get out of it?

Support is support and I'm sure, even during the holidays and probably moreso with the stress placed on people, that abuse occurs.

Maybe I'm missing something, but this feels excessively judgemental.

[TruTexan]

Thanks Gem, for reading my mind and posting what I was thinking .

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

For those of you who have been in abusive relationships and feel comfortable sharing:

• What were your first warning signs that something was wrong?
• Were there actions or behaviors that you may have missed or dismissed at first only to later realize were big red flags?
• Do you have any advice you'd like to give to others so they they too, don't go through what you've been through?

Education is very important and how many of us have come from families where we were treated less-than-lovingly and therefore weren't quite aware how we were supposed to be treated in relationships as an adult?

This is our thread. Survivors-turned-educators unite!

Okay, so I'm not going to go down the rabbit hole regarding exes. Bliss has a point there. No fingers should be pointed at anyone, only taking a good, hard look at oneself and how to make one's relationships healthier.

First warning signs?

Twisting gut, uneasiness. Tingling Spidey sense.

Red flags?

Controlling behavior, frequently changing mood swings, unnecessary suspicion and jealousy. Blaming others for one's own actions, choices and decisions.

Advice?

Sure. But it would be tailored to their specific circumstances if I were privy to them.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

It is the holiday season.

and you want to go there now?

Why?

Are the holidays not tough enough for those of us who are already struggling?

Alone?

Etc.?

This feels like a bash party. Already mentioning exes as the abusers.


Every story has sliver of truth. Not the whole truth.

You know what? This has got to be at least the third thread of mine where you have tried to tell me what to write or what to talk about. You even had the nerve to send me a private message once telling me you didn't like my topic and what I should write about instead. I believe your suggestion was, "Best pick-up lines"?

I ignored you because I couldn't believe any member would have the nerve to actually PM another member to tell them what to write. You are not a moderator. I don't know you. I have no idea what you problem is with me but get over it. If something I've written is offensive or in violation of the TOS on this board, a moderator will tell me, not you.

I know I don't technically have the right to tell you not to post anything on my threads anymore but I really wish you wouldn't. This thread was not about you or your feelings on appropriate or inappropriate topics.

I wasn't thinking about "the Holidays" when I wrote this. Do you honestly think I wrote about my own personal pain and opened up like that so somebody I don't even know can tell me it's inappropriate timing!? This isn't a Holiday board! If all you can handle is Fun/Fluff topics than stick to those threads and leave my serious ones alone. I don't want to hear it from you anymore.

*steps off soapbox*

Now, for everyone else who wants to have a serious, honest discussion about this, please feel free to share. This thread is for support and open communication. Understanding the red flags of abuse is incredibly important. It could save a life. This goes doubly in a community that often overlooks domestic abuse among same-sex couples.

[MissItalianDiva]

Does abuse stop on holidays? Is it exempt from occurring in Dec...Guess I do actually learn something new everyday

[Gemme]

Okay.

This fell apart pretty quickly.

The moderators are in place for a reason. Anyone that has issues with anyone can go to them. For moderation. Because they are moderators. It's kinda their thing.



How about we pretend not to see the personal stuff and move on with a topic that's relevant and worthwhile?

[nycfem]

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

[Teddybear]

the warning signs I can tell you about are as follows:

they isolate you and themselves from everything

the littlest thing sets them off

your always at fault even if you had NOTHING to do with whatever is ticking them off

Not all abuse is physical most of the time it starts out verbally or emotional which is just as damaging if not more so. who can see it.

My advice would be try to remember that NO matter what anyone else says U r just as important. No one has the right to make you their punching bag. There is help out there use it

I want to post more however now isnt the time

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by nycfem

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

Thank you very much for this. I think it's very important that I clarify that this post is not some thinly-veiled attempt to "call out" the ex that I used as an example. That person is not on this board. If this person was, I would not be here and I would not be opening this topic up for discussion. This thread also has nothing to do with requesting sympathy from anyone for what I've been through. My only intention (for those of who are familiar with my threads, I use this word a lot) was to start a discussion among survivors who might be able to help others through either the process of recovery or the prevention of a possibly unsafe relationship by understanding red flags and warning signs before the relationship progresses.

Considering may people also engage in long-distance relationships (myself included) understanding the warning signs before uprooting your life and moving in with someone (or having that person move in with you) could potentially save a lot of money, heartbreak, time, energy, and maybe even a life.

I really would like this to be a healthy, open discussion from here on in.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

I was involved in an abusive relationship. This was several years ago. It was difficult for me to come to the realization that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. My biggest sign was when I withdrew from my family and friends. I lied to cover up for small things that the ex did and my anxiety was through the roof. I began working longer hours as to not spend too much time at home. I completely lost my identity and became someone I didn't recognize. Trying not to go into "war stories" but these were my signs.

Thank you for starting this thread.

[The_Lady_Snow]

*I* personally believe that to stop the pattern or attract abusers is to learn out *self worth*, sometimes we end up in bad situations because we don't realize or accept our value and settle for someone treating us in a way that we should not be treated. Sometimes when we are in that space we miss signs such as:

isolation from friends and family

verbal attacks, twist on words to deflect off their actions

anyone raising their hand at you or threatening you

feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend

having to watch what you say or do to avoid a blow up

they try to control you

they belittle you

If you or anyone you love feel like you are in an abusive situation please call someone for help, get some therapy, but don't ever keep it a secret or not tell anyone when you are feeling any of these things...

[TruTexan]

Someone who cries victim a lot is sometimes the abuser. Huge Red Flag. The rest of the red flags, there's just so many that are so different.

[Teddybear]

Please KNOW that isnt always the femme that is abused sometimes it is the butch or ftm who is being abused

just like it isnt always women being abused by men

take gender or gender identity out of it

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes just cause YOU think they look like the girl/boy next door doesnt mean they R

[nycfem]

I've been in a number of abusive relationships (prior to my long-term current relationship). For those of us from abusive families, an abusive relationship can feel comfortable because it is familiar and our "normal." Conversely, a healthy relationship can initially, in my experience, feel uneasy, even boring. I've been in my current relationship over eight years, and it's been a growing process to get used to receiving consistent kindness and even to relax and enjoy it. Anyway, here are some of the memories that come to mind as signs that I was in an abusive relationship:

- the person treats me beautifully in public in front of people we know and horrible at home

- someone at work looked at me and said, "Something is wrong in your life right now. You can deny it but I can see it everyday on your face."

- there are sometimes no triggers at all why someone frequently blows up, i have to guess why, and if it ever does come to light it makes no sense, is nothing i could have ever predicted

- i'm not sleeping, not eating right, not exercising, crying, always trying to please the person, spending most of the relationship in conflict, with the occasional high of being forgiven for the moment, making lists of why to stay or leave, constantly thinking about leaving or breaking up and getting back together over and over

[*Anya*]

My ex-husband was an abuser.

Since he is a bio man and is now married to his third wife, he is not on this site.

I really did not see warning signs but I married him at 18 to escape my abusive parents, so it was what I knew and what was familiar.

The first time he hit me, he backhanded me across the face.

It got really bad when I was pregnant.

The worst was when he sat on my stomach when I was pregnant with my second baby and punched me.

>>> Statically, 1 in 6 abused women reports that her partner first became abusive during pregnancy. According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women report suffering abuse.

6 months after my second baby was born, we split and never went back together. The day he moved out, I found a therapist.

I learned a lot in therapy about what I felt I deserved and what I was worth. I still struggle with those core beliefs. Hard to undo 18-years of training. Not impossible, just very difficult.

I have not been with an abuser since.

Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago for me.

I remember it like watching a movie that happened to someone else.

[JAGG]

Anger management issues should be a red flag. Getting inappropriately angered over a minor situation, and or not being able to wait for a proper time to discuss things. Lashing out in a public manner would be a huge red flag to me. They don't seem to care that God and everyone with in a 20 mile raduis knows they are angry. They take their anger out by doing things like drive way too fast and cut people off. There is a time and place for everything, if they can't wait for the proper time and place that should be a red flag.
They have intitlement issues. If they are wronged in some way they want to even the score. They are vengeful. Even in small matters. Someone doesn't take off fast enough when a red light turns green so they fly around them and then slam on their brakes when they get in front of that person just to "teach them a lesson".

The way they treat strangers and the way they treat anyone, is eventually the way they will treat you.
How many close friends do they have? How many long term friends do they have? If the answer is none or very few you have to ask yourself why is that?
If they are not close with their family on top of having little to no friends you have to wonder why. Now I know some families really suck and are disfunctional beyond repair, but you can't over look the fact that they have no contact with family and very few friends.
If they are what is called a job hopper. Can't keep a job for very long . Has been fired a lot from jobs. You have to wonder why. It can't always be everyone elses fault.
They try to keep you away from your friends and family. Or come up with reasons why they don't like this friend or that friend and don't you to be around them. You are both adults and as an adult you have to learn to get along with others . The better you can get along with people even ones that irritate you, the more successful you will be in life. As adults we don't cut people out of our lives because someone decided they don't want you around someone.You end a friendship or severe ties with a loved one because you decided that person is not good for you someone else doesn't get to decide that. And you picked these friends long before they came along they don't have the right to decide who gets to be your friend and who doesn't. But you have the right to decide that they need to pick a new girlfriend.
If someone makes a statement like, I am not relationship material, or you don't want to be in a relationship with me, I'm too this or too that. Believe them !!! And run right then!!! DO NOT ASK WHY and don't think you want to prove them wrong by trying. JUST RUN !!! Trust the universe did you a favor and count your blessing every step you take in the opposite direction.

Okay I hope that helped a little . I am sure I will think of more and post again later. I am not an expert by any stretch and I have never been in an abusive relationship, I have been blessed to have had many wonderful femmes in my life, a few bad apples too but never abusive. But I have seen many friends of mine, go through things, so these are a few mental notes I have taken through the years.

[Girl_On_Fire]

From those who have come forward with their signs, it's like reading my own story. It's very validating for me to know that now, looking back, I'm seeing those signs for what they are and also recognizing them when they come back around. I recently saw these red flags in someone I was casually seeing a few months back and hy lied about trivial things, went from calm to angry instantly, and tried to tell me what I could and couldn't tell my family. This time, I knew enough to walk away and that's a good thing. It's progress.

I think there is something to say for feeling self-worth. I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love and respect myself. I thought I did before I got into that abusive relationship. I actually had everything going for me at the time. I had a great job, a great living situation with my roommate, and I was physically healthier than I'd ever been. I was on top of the world. Then, my ex and I got back in contact and, as crazy as it may sound, it was as though I was under some sort of spell.

Within 3 months, I had moved 800 miles away from everything I had ever known to be with hym. Quit school. Sold my car and everything. I knew it was a mistake the next day. I felt it. Something about the way hy looked at me and talked to me was completely different. Like hys guard dropped because hy didn't have to put up a front anymore. I mean, I say I knew but I think only a small part of me figured it out. The rest stayed in denial. That's the mode of survival. Should I have turned around and moved back? Of course. But that would mean I was thinking rationally at the time, which I certainly wasn't.

Anyway, it doesn't matter that hy and I knew each other off and on for the better part of a decade. You really don't know someone until you live with them. When it's long-distance, it can be much easier to miss the red flags. And, like others have said, if abuse, whether physical or mental was "normal" for you growing up, you really don't see them at all even if they are glaring to others.

I think the true sign of being out of the pattern is feeling sick to your stomach when you think what you put up with for so long. I used to think that disgusted feeling was a bad thing but maybe it's not. Maybe it's a sign of growth.