Couples together 5 or 10 or 20+ yrs or better

[morningstar55]

how do you do it????
what is your secret??
im sure not every day is a bed of roses......
how do you work thru disagrements??
i am 54 and i so long for a long term relationship... everyone in my family has been with there other halves 20 yrs and more... and i ask myself what is my problem???
I know my flaws and own up to them.... im not perfect yet so many out there are looking for that Mr or ms PERFECT person.
and im sure there others here that may have the same thought and ?.
now I am attracted to the hard type butchies... be it stoner or not.. or TG .. i never dated someone FTM.but im not going to rule them out. heh :wink:
but it seems like most of them all like them foofoo type of girls...
i long for someone to grow old with, be my friend, companion, lover, soul mate.
anyways........ soo tell us .... long term couples.....
how do you all make it work??

[morningstar55]

hmmmmmmmm heh . welllllll ....... was hoping for a couple responses of some sort..... lol
guess there r .....no......... couples here 5 yrs or better.... together.

[Rockinonahigh]

Ahh Morningstar,ya know I have ask my self the same question a lot over the years and for the life of me I still am asking it today.I dont know if its me or was I looking to hard in the past,btw I now figure if its ment to be it will.One thing for shure is that ppl must be ble to connect in some way to see if they can have a friendship first cause with out a solid friendship I dont see anyone staying together for long.Personaly I dont care if the femme is a high femme or how ever she Id's her self just as long as we fit as a couple.

[theoddz]

Hello Morningstar,

I know you addressed your question to the couples who've had 5, 10 and 20+ years together, and Tabs and I have only hit the 4 year mark. I've had 2 other long term relationships in my life, one that lasted 5 years and the other nearly 8, both wonderful, even though they didn't last. Looking back on it, however, I know why they failed, so I'm just going to throw my 2 cents in on this thing, and just say a couple of things from my own perspective.

I think that many people who have longevity in their relationship would probably agree with my broad, generalized statement that, in order for a relationship to survive, you have to continue to grow together. If you don't, you grow apart. When you grow apart, you lose interest and then you lose communication. I do think that compatibility is a big necessity, but that certainly doesn't mean that you always have to see eye to eye on everything. You just have to be able to communicate your differences and be able to listen, hear and understand your partner, and take action to work things out in a lasting, meaningful, mutually accepted way. Mind you, some people, G-d love them, are just pissy communicators. When you get into a relationship with one of these folks, you/they either learn to communicate with them/you or you're doomed. I used to be one of these kinds of folks, but my problem with communication was due to other issues I had going on that I should have worked out before trying to become involved with someone.....anyone, for that matter. That might be the case with some people, too.

It's the little things that break a lot of folks up, I think...the little annoyances and failings and disappointments that are not communicated and worked on that split people up. It's the lack of interest and complacency of accepting the slow spiraling down of communication. In my own experiences, the lack of love was never the issue. There was always plenty of love. It was the communication breakdown that killed the relationship, and this is what is meant, I think, by the phrase "when love is not enough". I think this is what happened to both of the failed long term relationships in my own past. Because of the lack of that communication, we grew complacent (though comfortably so) and thus failed/stopped growing together.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. Thanks for starting this thread. I, too, am interested in hearing what the other folks have to say on this.

~Theo~

[morningstar55]

Originally Posted by theoddz

Hello Morningstar,

I know you addressed your question to the couples who've had 5, 10 and 20+ years together, and Tabs and I have only hit the 4 year mark. I've had 2 other long term relationships in my life, one that lasted 5 years and the other nearly 8, both wonderful, even though they didn't last. Looking back on it, however, I know why they failed, so I'm just going to throw my 2 cents in on this thing, and just say a couple of things from my own perspective.

I think that many people who have longevity in their relationship would probably agree with my broad, generalized statement that, in order for a relationship to survive, you have to continue to grow together. If you don't, you grow apart. When you grow apart, you lose interest and then you lose communication. I do think that compatibility is a big necessity, but that certainly doesn't mean that you always have to see eye to eye on everything. You just have to be able to communicate your differences and be able to listen, hear and understand your partner, and take action to work things out in a lasting, meaningful, mutually accepted way. Mind you, some people, G-d love them, are just pissy communicators. When you get into a relationship with one of these folks, you/they either learn to communicate with them/you or you're doomed. I used to be one of these kinds of folks, but my problem with communication was due to other issues I had going on that I should have worked out before trying to become involved with someone.....anyone, for that matter. That might be the case with some people, too.

It's the little things that break a lot of folks up, I think...the little annoyances and failings and disappointments that are not communicated and worked on that split people up. It's the lack of interest and complacency of accepting the slow spiraling down of communication. In my own experiences, the lack of love was never the issue. There was always plenty of love. It was the communication breakdown that killed the relationship, and this is what is meant, I think, by the phrase "when love is not enough". I think this is what happened to both of the failed long term relationships in my own past. Because of the lack of that communication, we grew complacent (though comfortably so) and thus failed/stopped growing together.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. Thanks for starting this thread. I, too, am interested in hearing what the other folks have to say on this.

~Theo~

..... thats a awsome post....... and i absolutly belive that .... communication . is the no#1 thing in any relationship...

..btw.. your frogs are soo cute

[cinderella]

Kudos to Theoddz for that awesome post. I am in complete accord with what you've said here.

My usual cutting points in LTR's has been 5 years. My last one the exception - that lasted 12 years. Talk about non-communication, and complacency! That relationship should've ended after the 3rd year. The sex & romantic love had flown out the window by then. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons -financial, fear of being alone (her fear), co-dependency on may levels, and a myriad of other reasons. I stood it for as long as I could, then one day walked out.

I have always been a very independent, self-sufficient person - relying on no one for anything. Those defences broke down during that relationship, and I found myself being dependent on her for many things that were begrudingly given. I guess I finally picked myself up by my own bootstraps, and said 'no more'. I took myself out of it, and never looked back. That was 8 years ago, and since I've had many dates, and 'online' romances, but nothing ever came of any of it. So I am alone, and believe dating & romance is something for others and not for me...and please, I'm tired of the old cliche - "when you stop looking, it'll happen." Really, that's gotton very old now...

Anyway, M'Star, I don't have anything constructive or enlightening to add to the thread - just a story of failed relationships, but I too came in here hoping to find the 'magic' formula, lol.

[blush]

I don't think that longevity is necessarily the lifeblood of any relationship. How many of us know very many long-term couples that are truly happy?

Happy is simply happy. I've been in relationships that were happy and complete for just a little while. I've had relationships change into friendships. I've had relationships that just needed to end. All had various lifespans.

It isn't a contest to be the "last couple standing." It seems short sighted if our only barometer for a successful relationship is longevity. Isn't the overarching question, "What makes a relationship successful?"

[Lynn]

A long-term relationship may not be everyone's goal, but it sure is the desire of a lot of people. It speaks to stability, and implies reliable love, companionship, and sex. The fact that it often doesn't turn out the way we hope doesn't mean it isn't a worthy desire. So many people, after the ending of a bad relationship, pull away from relationships at all, at least for a time. It takes courage to keep putting yourself out there.

I was in a long-term relationship for over 20 years. That was my marriage, and it was not very happy or satisfying to either of us. I learned a lot, though. I learned that what I thought when I was 12, what my mother ridiculed, is really the truth. Love and happiness are the most important things to me, and that's what a relationship should be based upon. At least, my relationships.

After a number of short relationships, I met my present partner. We will have been together five years in June. Our relationship is not perfect, but we keep getting better together. One thing I learned years ago is that relationships do not continue to exist unless you keep creating them together. It's not hard to grow stagnant, stop communicating, and take each other for granted. We promised each other that we would always be open and honest, that we would keep the romance, and that we would put each other first. So far, that is working for us. We both feel that we love each other more today than yesterday, and we both are still having fun. We laugh all the time.

I guess I'd say that honest communication and treating each other the way we'd want to be treated are the keys in this relationship.

All the best!

[TheBellyBionic]

I would say that longevity and happiness are the two major hallmarks of a successful relationship. For me to consider a relationship successful, both would have to be there. We're coming up on our four year anniversary, and we just keep getting happier.

[nycfem]

BB and I are going on 5 years this summer, and I've never felt happier with our relationship or in any relationship.

I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships for too long, and I think that the first thing to do is to not waste time in bad relationships. I know it sounds obvious but how many of us see ourselves or our friends using up precious days/months/years of lives in unhealthy relationships? If there is not room for the right one to come in, then the right one could pass you by. We can't do much about who we meet but what we can do is end it right away when it's apparent that we are not being treated with love and decency. I emphasize this because I think it was my problem for a long time.

Some of it, I think, is pure luck! At the beginning, the scary part of all relationships is that it feels so good because there's a lot of lust and not much knowledge of who the real person is. It's over time that we find out if we've found a true gem who is our missing puzzle piece or if we've become attached to something that's leading down a toxic spiral. Luckily in BB I learned that I was with someone who has a truly good heart. BB is mature, kind, caring, funny, stable, interesting, and committed to bettering the world.

BB values our relationship and has taught me that there is a fair way to argue, and that low blows are never okay. For those of us who have never had a healthy, truly joyous relationship, the first one can take a lot of getting used to! It was disorienting not to have the drama, and I feel like each year I relax more into the bliss of a happy relationship! It almost feels surreal to me to be settled into a relationship where I am more deeply in love and happy every year. It's not what I grew up with, and it actually took awhile to accept that I deserve this, as everyone does, and that it's real.

True commitment is another aspect of our relationship that works for us. We don't go back and forth about "forever" ever. It's only within that safe cocoon of "I'm never giving up on us" that we are able to take the risks in sharing our wants and needs, knowing the other will not laugh or run and that if we argue, it's part of the process as opposed to a possible path to an end. I grew into that mindset slower than BB, but once I was there, our relationship was able to go to new levels of depth because we both felt safe.

I've also noticed that ridding the relationship of others, whether family or friends, who for whatever reason do not support the relationship or contribute toxicity to it helps our relationship to thrive. When I am wondering whether someone belongs in our life, I imagine that individual in the audience at our wedding, and I ask myself, what would that person be thinking. Would they be truly happy for us and support us through times when we had conflicts? Do they respect one of us but not the other? It's the people who I know in my heart support each of us as individuals as well as our union that I want in our inner circle.

To me this long-term, happy relationship gets easier over time, not harder. A great relationship is not one that is a constant struggle. Yes, there is always work to keep a relationship thriving, but by far the majority of our time is spent enjoying each other and being at peace. We stay up too late on work nights laughing as we joke around and cuddle. We are both elated when we have a snow day off from work to spend the whole day together. I tear up when I think about how much each moment together means to me.

I think it's possible for all of us to find the love we dream about, the kind that grows over the years. Have faith, never settle, and when you find it,

[MsTinkerbelly]

What are the secrets to a long-term relationship...

My Kasey and I have been together for nearly 8 years; married in California during the 2008 Summer of love when it was legal.

We nearly lost each other during a very rough time...my mental illness (BPD) and outside influences nearly ended us for good. For better or for worse....that thought makes you work HARD on yourself and your relationship. Constant work on communication, and endless days of laughter and loving together, are a receipe for much happiness.

We live a very full life together, and the most important thing for us both is remembering we are the core unit of our family. If the core unit is not taken care of and nurtured, there is no possibility of growing and changing together. I have great examples of long loving marriages in my live...and frankly some really bad ones as well. In all of the failed relatinships there is a consistant theme of broken communication and the lack of nurturing of the "Us".

[redrose]

I don't know if my relationship would count. We've been together for 15yrs but she died last 2009, so we're no longer together, does that count?

Secret for a long term relationship? I really don't know. Probably it would be respect, honesty, communication and the decision to love each other. And if you had disagreements or fights, never end the day not talking about it. Make each day as if it is the last day that you'll be together. My butch and I, knew that our relationship was not accepted by society so we were always thinkin that it would end somehow. We were so scared, that we kept holding on to each other each day. The lucky part is that no one did judged us or did say anything against us. Probably because we both respect each other that much. The world realized that I love my butch that much because she was the only relationship that I had. What ever was the secret of our long term relationship, I think my butch was the one responsible for that, because if it was me, I could find another and have a relationship again like that, but I don't think I can find another one like her.

I hope I did answer your question partially, because I really don't know what was her secret. I just felt that I was the most important person in her life and even now that she's gone, I know she never left me.

[Medusa]

Jack and I have been friends for 11 years and in a relationship for 6 of those 11 years.

Our particular secret is that we were friends first. That before the physical attraction was even given space we truly enjoyed each other's company. We make each other laugh on a daily basis and we also have autonomy which means I get to have my "me" space when I need it and she goes fishing.

We have argued with one another like any other couple does and had to work on arguing in the most humane way possible but both of us being committed to having the arguement without emotionally damaging the other person is the #1 thing that helps us along the rough spots.

Even after all this time we still laugh, dance with one another, have lots of sex, and go exploring together with the same energy and passion we had when we first met.

The secret is that when you figure out that loving someone isn't just about making yourself feel good, but really and truly being concerned and invested in the other person's emotional health and happiness, everything else just falls into place.

<3

[Daywalker]

We are going on 8 years now.


Yesterday we laughed very hard together.


At each other, of course...but still.



I'll be back tomorrow to expand,
gotta get ready for Robert Plant this evening.

[Toughy]

I had a 16 yr marriage and we broke up. It was great, but it was also time for us to part. I consider it a very successful relationship even though it ended. I learned a couple of things:

* Never go to sleep pissed off at each other.

* You must do at least one (mostly two) of 'the Ps' at all times. The Ps are: picking up after yourself, paying your part of the bills, and putting out (sex).

[betenoire]

There is no secret. There just isn't. Things work out until they don't work out any more. And it's okay for things to stop working out - it happens. Sometimes when a relationship ends it isn't because the relationship went bad - sometimes it's just because the relationship went...over.

People are agents of constant change - that doesn't stop happening after your mid 20s. Sometimes people change together, and sometimes they change in different directions. And that's okay, too.

But this much I do know: If you want a hope in hell of things making it passed the 2-3 year mark you -have- to have similar life priorities. City mouse can only stay with country mouse for so long. Simple-life mouse can only put up with materialistic mouse for so long. Wants to throw down and work shit out mouse can only deal with sweep it under the rug until it goes away mouse for so long.

[PapaC]

I'm into my 9th year, soon to be 5 years married, and still very much a long distance relationship.

Right now, it's very tough. very tough.

But there's something to be said when one can still see the love, and still feel the magic in the middle of the toughest times of a relationship.

Any pearls of wisdom I may have to add, have already been expressed by my friends who previously posted.

cheers folks. I rarely come on here, but grateful when I do.

xoxo

[FR]

at this point in my life i just want one of the pointy hats

[lionpaw]

Originally Posted by morningstar55

hmmmmmmmm heh . welllllll ....... was hoping for a couple responses of some sort..... lol
guess there r .....no......... couples here 5 yrs or better.... together.

Oh, I misunderstood what I perceived this thread was all about....I thought it was for other long term couples interacting with one another.....Sorry folks....

[Tcountry]

I'll try to summarize my 7 yr past relationship & my folks almost 35 yrs I currently use as my guide.

-Be friends, do stuff together, enjoy eachother, and always have "us" time
-Be ok with doing stuff apart, hobbies & "me time"
-Communicate, be honest & fight fair, don't assume any big decision
-Trust, not only eachother...but also don't be so afraid of loosing them that u end up pushing them away
-Compromise...always
-Keep the sparks & romance alive...don't ever take eachother for granted
-Don't be afraid to be affectionate or silly together... any time any where