FTM place to vent and talk

[DMW]

This is a space for FTM's to talk about anything they would like to. Especially, FTM's that live as males, in their everyday lives, and are not seen by society as anything other than a biomale.Please go along with the websites guidelines of decorum and respect for others. The TOS or what have you.
At the moment, i have a killer migraine and will not be posting for a bit.

However,
Feel free to vent.
Welcome Dudes...

I do understand that we live in a closet somewhat. I suppose i don't want to have to live in the closet here. I am not always...In The Closet and i don't want to be in a closet here.

[Hominid]

Good job, DMW -

And yes, let's make a point to take very good care to self-police and respect the TOS.

[Linus]

My biggest vent right now is that there are times when I so could use an FTM around to talk to. I miss that part of NYC. Los Angeles is just too damned big and the fact that I don't have a driver license (ya.. I know! At 42 and traveling too much it's hard to focus on it enough), makes it that much harder. I feel disjointed and alone at times in regards to this. I never realized how much I missed this until the Reunion this fall.

My work colleagues are all supportive, yanno? but.. it's not the same.

Sigh.

[DMW]

Seriously and ditto guys... i gotta apologize cause of my headache...i gotta take care of that. Just looking at the computer screen is getting to me.
I will come back later.
I am glad you all are here.

[BrutalDaddy]

Very much look forward to day when society will see me as I see myself but that just doesn't happen right now.

Am glad for this place and space cause I do'nt have any FTM friends irl to talk to about every day shit. Sucks but it's life.

DMV, good thread. WIll post more later I'm sure.


Brute.

[Hominid]

Brutal and Linus-
Hopefully this space will provide a starting point for guys who are available for other guys. We are misunderstood, often going through a lot of perceptual, physical, societal changes and are viewed with either suspicion or plain old misunderstanding. It's like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain always. We don't have cis-guys, we often don't have women, really only we can understand what happens to us, much of it completely NOT part of what we expected or foresaw when we started to transition or male-identify.

I, for one, am always open for messaging and providing support.

[DMW]

Linus, you mentioned school and i thought of a situation that came up and presented itself...a story on a lighter note...
I was in school in an anatomy lab class setting...and for some reason that i cannot recall at the moment in which the details are not really necessary for the gist....
The class needed a person to take their shirt off for ...i believe a telemetry unit with leads needing to be applied to my chest, inorder to measure the heart's electrical activity.
and the girls in the class where comfortable with me and so they were like...come on...
at first they just seemed to think that i would go ahead and offer myself for the position... and then they joked with me... and i wanted to do it...and i felt so badly for them because they didn't understand...after i didn't...i had to come up with some lame excuse of being too shy etc... i also, had to finally say...look my girl wouldn't want me to do show myself to you woman anyway...and that is kinda true too...cause they would flirt and boundaries are important..to protect them and my relationship...it was very uncomfortable for me...
The sad thing is...there were only a few biomales in the class and one was heavy set and i wanted to save him from having to take off his shirt. I think the women just assumed i was going to cause i have the kind of body that is just bland or regular i guess. So, why wouldn't they? and they were probably thinking of the overweight guy also. trying to spare him the embarrassment. ...and the other...pissed me off that he didn't. Who knows...maybe he was trans like me. like us. Eventually, the heavy set guy took his shirt off and i thanked him vociferously and publicly for his bravery. I could tell he didn't want to and he was hesitant...god and his eyes...even he looked at me like bro why not? why can't you help me and just do this for me? I felt so badly about that. God i do now.
I guess it isn't such a light note...i can laugh at myself in the situation now. But, it kinda describes our invisibility.

Oh, see....i have scars from chest surgery that would be needed to be explained...i would be outing myself to the class...right there. and the professor...hot black woman...OMG...and the school. I just wanted to focus on learning...you know? I wouldn't be ashamed to out myself...just not necessary there...like that. We had to learn...not about me being FTM...
Hugh...maybe one day...shirt comes off...oh, he is FTM...ok...continue the cardio lesson

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

Very much look forward to day when society will see me as I see myself but that just doesn't happen right now.

Am glad for this place and space cause I do'nt have any FTM friends irl to talk to about every day shit. Sucks but it's life.

DMV, good thread. WIll post more later I'm sure.


Brute.

hey man

anytime u need or want to talk let me know and I will send u my cell number and times to call

[Teddybear]

In the 7 years since I started my journey I have had to learn that sometimes we have to be true to ourselves and the hell with what other ppl see or THINK they see or hear.

I started with 1 company and was with they till almost 2 yrs ago. They helped bybe accepting(which I didnt expect since its a southern company) and as I was progressing in my journey they moved me to b accepted more by other workers.

I have worked with 2 other companies since I left the 1st company and NO one has questioned if Im a csi man or not.

I do have to divulge the fact that I once I was known by another name cuz it is on professional background checks however I have found companies that wouldnt talk to me any longer after they found out I was transgender. It is their lost.

My parents refused to talk to me for 7 yrs and while I was in the hospital this past September my mom called and I told her all I wanted and she agreed and since that time hasnt called me by my birth name.

My biggest grip is whenever I call someone about something they call me maam. I correct them once and the next time its on. It only takes me telling them the second time and they stop calling me maam

I did have that issue in the hospital where they kept calling me she even after being told repeatedly that it was SIR

[Crow]

I want to go on record and thank Medusa for not lumping all Trans guys into the same catagory of "femme bashers".

It has been my honor and privilege to have been loved by a femme or two in this lifetime. I would not be who I am today without their kind of love.

There is more than a little to say about the beauty of not having to explain who I am to a femme.

They are the safe place in this world for us.

Thank you ladies. From the bottom of this guys heart.

As to the thread and the question of when to disclose...I have always felt the best approach is honesty. From the start. Deception is never fair in any form.

Crow

[UUDan]

Hi Folks. This is my first post. I am FTM, and just a little under 2 years on T. I'm ready to jump into the dating pool, but I'm finding the pool to be very shallow. I fully "pass" as a biomale now. To look at me, you'd never know I was born female. Anyway, I am interested in dating women. It doesn't much matter to me what they identify as - femme, lesbian, straight, etc... But since I haven't really dated since adopting my new identity, I wasn't sure if asking a straight woman out would be some sort of "false advertising" so to speak. I kinda thought I was going to be limited to the LGBT community as dating options, but now I am starting to question that. Why should I limit myself? If I am attracted to someone, I'd like to feel OK to ask her out. I'm curious to hear from more experienced transguys on this. Have you asked straight girls out? If so, how/when did you disclose you were trans? What were their reactions?

Peace-

Dan

[Linus]

So I'm all excited. I just found out that my company has added full GRS coverage to the benefits program, to the tune of $50,000 (!!). I had tried back in 2008/2009 to get this done but didn't get too far. Recently a transwoman in the company took the lead on this stuff and just hammered HR with facts and figures. This probably explains why my T was covered on the last prescription I picked up.

[DMW]

I recently went through some std testing at a local, county, clinic because I have been with a few women in the past couple of years. I find it very interesting how I am assumed to be a biomale and relieved at that, I must say. That has never really been an issue. The interesting part is needing and wanting appropriate ( broadbased) healthcare for trans people. I guess I have an internal conflict.

So, when asked to piss into a cup for chlamydia, syphilis and other fun stuff...when in fact I was in a room full of biomales...I realized that I may be asked to perform this without a door on the restroom stall. The unknown tends to be a little anxiety inducing.

I wonder about myself and why I didn't want to out myself to the county? It is a struggle. On the questionnaire, FTM male was an option. And i thought it impressive that we are recognized by the county. However, that recognition of trans people could be for legal reasons etc.

Why wouldn't I put myself out there? well, they asked for my soc. sec. number etc. I put it down there and other identifiers. I feel that I always have to consider prejudice and future employment. Other reasons to not devulge my FTM status...some days I just want to be myself and not have to fight a fight. to not have to explain myself or answer questions. Some days my patience for the ignorant is severely limited. Who knows? Lot to ponder. Not that I haven't been here before. I feel that it is a weakness to not stand up and say..."damn right I am FTM and proud of who I am." Maybe that is what is bothering me...I passed up an opportunity to put another one of us on the books...in this state anyway.
Many a time I have come out...many a time. I suppose that is what is bothering me. That I didn't this time.
They did give me a free packet of condoms and I am free of std's.
Funny, FTM's need condoms too.
Ramble.

[PwrFemme]

That's great Linus!!

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by UUDan

Hi Folks. This is my first post. I am FTM, and just a little under 2 years on T. I'm ready to jump into the dating pool, but I'm finding the pool to be very shallow. I fully "pass" as a biomale now. To look at me, you'd never know I was born female. Anyway, I am interested in dating women. It doesn't much matter to me what they identify as - femme, lesbian, straight, etc... But since I haven't really dated since adopting my new identity, I wasn't sure if asking a straight woman out would be some sort of "false advertising" so to speak. I kinda thought I was going to be limited to the LGBT community as dating options, but now I am starting to question that. Why should I limit myself? If I am attracted to someone, I'd like to feel OK to ask her out. I'm curious to hear from more experienced transguys on this. Have you asked straight girls out? If so, how/when did you disclose you were trans? What were their reactions?

Peace-



Dan

Dan,

I'm not trans and you didn't ask for thoughts from femmes but I had a thought and decided to share it. When I read your post I thought, "Now if this were a bio male asking a bio female out and he had some certain thing about himself, say that he had a child. Would he disclose this on a date?"

My answer was, "maybe not, maybe he would wait until he felt like something positive was developing between them." I don't know how many dates that would be. And maybe he would feel her out, like ask how she feels about kids, etc.

What I am saying, Dan, is that I don't feel you need to "confess" this information about yourself unless you develop feelings for a woman and want to see if there may be a long lasting relationship, otherwise it's not really her business.

[alexri]

I am thinking more and more about a physical transition.

I have been self-identifying as male for long over a year now. It was something I didn't even think to do. I realize it's been there all along; I just didn't name it/own it.

I've thought about gender issues for many years now; my gender book library/reading/research goes back 10 years to college days. Kate Bornstein was a hero in college. But it never dawned on me that I could be a trans person until last year. It's almost like how it never dawned on me that I could be gay until college and someone talked to me about it. Now this is not me saying that someone else suggested this or dropped the ideas in my head. It was more working out the concepts. It's tied to having a very white, sheltered, catholic school upbringing. I had no idea what homosexuality was until I was 19 and in college. Seriously. I had no idea what trans people were until my late 20s. I just didn't know.

I can look back and see so many patterns and signs that were obvious in my life, but I just didn't know what they meant. I subconsciously shut so many things out, blocked so many thoughts, and now they are all coming back.

Flash back to a child who always played with trucks, legos and balls, and when given dolls, threw them away, or hung them from trees in the back yard. A child who was an outcast on the playground because of a desire to play in the sandbox/playground and not play with dolls or girls. A child who despised makeup, girly stuff, fashions, purses, etc. A child who cried at the though of having to wear a dress. A child who cried when a period started and to this day cringes or cries when it comes close. Someone who has known since a young age that there's no maternal instinct. Someone who was always chosen to play the father/dad in house, because it was right. Someone who wanted to emulate the men in movies and tv, and never the women.

Flash back to someone who covered his bedroom door with pictures of girls he had crushes on (celebrities) and cut up the pictures of the cute girls in the school yearbooks to stare at them. I'm the guy who had pictures of girls hidden under New Kids of the Block posters. As a child I wrote all the hot female celebrities through Teen Beat magazine; when they responded and sent photos, I ripped them up and threw them away because I felt ashamed about the feelings I had.

I can remember sitting in the car with my father, crying, asking him what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't like all the other girls. He had no response. I wonder if he knew. Or if he was denying it himself too.

See someone who spent most of youth alone, without seeing friends, having people over, because I never fit in. I was never invited to sleepovers. All the girls knew I was different. Someone who buried life in textbooks and extracurricular activities to avoid thinking about other things. And then, continued this trait in adult life, with work, food, and later, exercise/races, to avoid dealing with things.

Flash back to someone who had a lot of promiscuous sex with guys as a minor, because, "I was supposed to enjoy this.." "maybe it's just the wrong person..." before realizing I was attracted to women in college, despite having so many crushes and fantasies about girls (in school and on tv) for so long.

I can remember having dreams and fantasies growing up about a guy with no head making love to women. I didn't realize it was me.

I always despised wearing dresses or my school uniform. As soon as I got home from school that uniform skirt came off and was on the floor of my closet it. I hated it. I also wore as long of a skirt as I could, below my knees, to not expose my body. For seven years of grammar school and high school, as far as I can remember, I wore shorts or boxers under my skirt to feel normal. Clothes shopping used to make me cry, especially when I had to dress up for an event like an interview.

In grammar school I can remember being teased by the other girls, being called a lesbian and a tomboy, though I had no idea what it was. I just knew it was something bad because I was being laughed at. We'd be in gym and we'd be changing back into our school uniforms, and I'd take my top right off in front of everyone, not caring, seeing my chest as a chest, until other girls covered my body for me, and told me I needed a bra. I hated that stupid bra.

Once my female body developed, as far back as I can remember, I have always worn baggy, oversized clothing to hide curves and breasts. I've been wearing men's clothing for 20 years. I can remember getting ready for school in high school and just bursting into tears because I hated what I saw in the mirror. And I did the same in my adult life too. I can honestly say I believe I have sclerosis in my back (spine curled forward) because I've spent most of my life subconsciously hiding breasts with bad posture.

My whole life I have cringed and shriveled whenever anyone used works to describe me like "young lady," "beautiful," etc. At a young age, even at the grammar school level, I can recall hating my name. I lived with a nickname for a lot of high school and most of college. I've hated saying my first name at every job I've had when answering the phone, to the point where I really don't say it at all unless I have to. When I have been sired I've been overjoyed.

At the gym, I see the guys there. I don't want them. I want to look like them. I see the females that are in shape, and I don't want to look like them. I imagine what it would be like to have a muscular, flat chest, with pecs, not breasts.

If I had known one could transition, change genders, earlier in life... if I had only known... perhaps I would be more brave than I am now.

I watched a youtube video of a trans man last night talking about trans regret. He said he had lived as a woman for 40 years, and could probably have lived that way for another 40 years, but ultimately wanted to be himself. I've seen the stories of people who did regret transition, but based on what I have read and saw, my gutt tells me they were not trans in the first place, and that something else was going on.

I don't know what to do at this point. I have seen counselors. I have been a part of several local and national trans groups for the past year; meeting with people in person and online. I've talked to people who regretted their transition. I talked to people whose lives have become so much better. I feel so much more at home with these trans groups.

In the past I've gone to lesbian bars and women's clubs/organizations in the past and I never felt comfortable or that I belonged. I've never felt right calling myself a lesbian. I just didn't know what I was yet.

I know the reality of my family. It will never be accepted. They are die-hard, roman catholic, etc. They never accepted me dating women.

I feel stuck. Sometimes I feel like I can keep going like this, like I can keep living in the shell I was born into. I can think of it just being my soul/essence in the wrong body. I think I can manage. Then there are the times that I can understand and appreciate all those that said their life came down to "change or die." I have the speech I would say to my coworkers in my head. I recite it when I run/train. There are days where it does not phase me to use the women's room at work or a restaurant. There are days where I mentally block out the "wo" on the sign. Then there are the days where I absolutely need to go use the gender neutral bathroom at work.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's the wrong decision. I fear transitioning will not make me happy. I fear rejection. I fear regret. I hear the stories of friends and trans people denied jobs or housing because of who they are. I understand that when life changes, we lose things, but we often gain so much more. I also see the stories of those who say they are so much better off. I know transitioning is not a magic wand to fix everything wrong with you. I know it's not the end.

I think the best explanation I have heard from someone who transitioned is that in his past life as a female, he felt disconnected, like he was just going through the motions of life, living until the day (as a female) she'd die. I can understand that. There were times of depression, low times, high times. I totally get the feeling of being disconnected, never feeling like I belong in the time and place I am in. That's often how I felt, and how I can still feel now.

I know when people ask you what you want to do for a career, they'll ask you what you'd be doing if money weren't an issue. Then when you have that passion in your head, they say, go after it, figure out how to make it work, and don't settle. I can see the same with transition. If you had a magic wand that would make me transition right now, I'd say yes, absolutely use it. But the reality is that there is no magic wand.

I am just... scared.

Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.

[Bad_boi]

Fuck heat. I can't be cool because I can't bind with my injury and have to wear a hoodie or a button down over a T. On top of that the heat messes with my anxiety attacks and makes me miserable.

Fuck the sun go way burn my ass another day.

[DapperButch]

Summer.

Yes, not looking forward to fighting to pull the back of the binder down when the skin is slightly moist. Ugh.

At least the triceps get a good stretch out of it.

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by alexri

I am just... scared.

Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.

Reading your story was like reliving my past, for the most part. I didn't grow up in a Catholic family and I went to public school, but I experienced about 99% of what you described. I started my transition in 2000 when I was 27. I went through three years of therapy before deciding transitioning was right for me. But I was still afraid it was the wrong decision. When I started I was told I would be denied hormones and surgeries if I didn't want to transition 100% to male. I knew then that I didn't want to be 100% male. I did not want lower surgery. So I lied. I was so convincing and got so used to lying about wanting lower surgery that I convinced myself I couldn't be male without it. I even researched lower surgeries and all the available options for it.

In 2003 I changed my name and started on hormones and was excited and happy when the changes finally started showing and I passed almost 100% of the time. In 2007 I was finally able to have top surgery and once again was beyond happy. In 2010 I had a hysterectomy. During this time I did lose some friends and the stress from trying to hide it from my family was almost unbearable. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I finally came out as trans to my entire immediate family. They understood but did not like it. They weren't even surprised. They still insist on calling me 'she' and using my old name when I go home to visit, but they understand that if they come here to visit me it's by my rules.

Over the years I struggled with the thought of lower surgery. Deep down I knew I didn't want it. Deep down I knew I was closer to Trans Masculine or Gender Queer. I like looking male and having a male chest. So I went back to therapy. This time I had a therapist who understood and got me to understand that I am not any less of a man because I don't want a penis. She got me to understand that it's not the physical that makes me who I am. It's how I feel inside. She is still trying to get me to believe that there is a woman/femme out there who will accept me as I am. As half and half. I meet and date women who say they understand and accept me for who I am, but inevitably they leave, stating I am not lesbian enough or male enough or, yes, even trans enough. One even went so far as to try and force me into going back to being female in appearance. I currently have two crushes but am so afraid to pursue anything beyond where they are at right now because I fear the rejection I have come to expect. Too many women have been with me for 'the story' or the novelty of telling their friends they slept with an FtM.

I have been very lucky that I have not had much discrimination in the workplace since moving to Minneapolis. Everyone seems very accepting here. I had one doctor who wouldn't treat me, but she explained it was because she had no experience with the medical needs of transgender patients and she gave me the name of a colleague who did have the experience. She wanted me to have the best care possible. To this day I have total respect for her.

It's a long, bumpy road. Some of it will be fantastic and some will be filled with potholes. All I can say is it's a road worth traveling and nothing is ever set in stone. I wish you the best on your journey.

[DapperButch]

How many things do all of us get frustrated with but don't talk about, because it is just a part of our daily life?

Case in point, I hate that I have to wear a sprots bra when I work out. Sure, I don't HAVE to, but if I want to breathe well and do a decent workout, I have to take off the binder.

I hate this. I had seeing myself in the gym mirror as I am lifting weights.

Anyone else struggle with this?