Tips for Transitioning from an LDR to Living Together

[Nat]

I met M in Nevada just over 2 years ago, just after I'd turned in my 2 weeks notice and decided to move back to Texas. She had just enrolled in school, and I had just gone through a painful breakup. My grandfather had entered hospice care, and I wanted badly to be back in Texas.

We've both flown to see each other every chance we have gotten - summers, spring break, winter break, random weekends. I'm going to her family's Thanksgiving this year.

Assuming her classes are offered in the right order, she is planning to move down here this coming summer.

I've also moved out of state to be with somebody before, and it was a *very* difficult transition for both parties.

So my question here is for those of you who have successfully transitioned from an LDR relationship to a live-in in-person relationship.

For those who have moved (especially across state lines) and for those who have been on the other end - receiving the person into your home: What did you do to prepare and what do you wish you (and/or your partner) had done to ease the transition?

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Nat

I met M in Nevada just over 2 years ago, just after I'd turned in my 2 weeks notice and decided to move back to Texas. She had just enrolled in school, and I had just gone through a painful breakup. My grandfather had entered hospice care, and I wanted badly to be back in Texas.

We've both flown to see each other every chance we have gotten - summers, spring break, winter break, random weekends. I'm going to her family's Thanksgiving this year.

Assuming her classes are offered in the right order, she is planning to move down here this coming summer.

I've also moved out of state to be with somebody before, and it was a *very* difficult transition for both parties.

So my question here is for those of you who have successfully transitioned from an LDR relationship to a live-in in-person relationship.

For those who have moved (especially across state lines) and for those who have been on the other end - receiving the person into your home: What did you do to prepare and what do you wish you (and/or your partner) had done to ease the transition?

Good questions...

I have to start with a disclaimer since our transition from LDR to live-in was ultimately not successful...so what I'm saying comes from the "wish we would have" point of view. Whether or not that would have helped it work? Impossible to know. But, here goes...

When visiting for those long weekends, holidays, every few months things, it's easy to be caught up in the joy of seeing each other, the sex, the intensity because you missed them like crazy....and, as a result, overlook an awful lot of "little" stuff that becomes more critical when you're living together.

In hindsight, I'd really stop and think about the daily stuff....energy levels, early riser vs. night owl, food preferences, even if you want to eat at home vs. go out, TV preferences, frequency of sex, what kinds of things you want to do for fun, and how you each handle bad days, challenges and the "down" times....depression, pain, sadness.

It's easy to think that "love conquers all"....but the reality is that differences matter...and can wear on a relationship. It's easier to accomodate significant differences when it's for a weekend or week-long visit....much harder when it's day in and day out for months at a stretch.

For the person moving out of state...really think about how it feels to leave everything and everyone. I moved 1300 miles and, although very fortunate that my work is portable so I got to keep my career on track, I gave up the frequent contact that I was used to with my best friend, and the support system I had in place from more than a decade of neighbors, friends and co-workers. It wasn't a problem until I hit a serious life challenge....and suddenly I'm 1300 miles away from my support system, and basically know and can only lean for physical help on my (now ex) partner.

That's big...and I wouldn't take it lightly.

For both people....understand that this is a big transition on both sides, and be gentle and understanding with each other. Patience and kindness are beautiful things...and can go a long way towards helping in difficult transitions.

[CockyDude]

I did LDR with my 2nd wife for 12 months. We met physically after 4 weeks of talking and every 3-4 weeks after that while her children finished school. Yes, you get carried away by the physical; sex is almost constant because of the time between visits. But we tried to always make sure it was at least a 3 day visit. I also tried to make sure there was something going on we would attend; wedding, funeral (well, you're gonna have to be there for each other), pool tournament, bike run, friends' parties. Whatever was happening in my life so we could interact under as real and normal circumstances as possible. Likewise I flew down there (we commuted between Chicago and Dallas) for the same situations. By time she was ready to move, I had gone down to get the house ready for sale, she had been here to decide on certain house crap. The day of the move, as I pulled the moving truck loaded with her car on a trailer it just felt like we were simply moving to a new place. Unfortunately we only lasted 8 years, but the transition from LDR to living together was actually flawless. It took a lot of work, commitment and foresight but isn't that true of your entire relationship?

[diamondrose]

i realize the the topic is LDR to Living together but...

One suggestion I could offer going from a LDR to being local is getting your own place to start off. It is easy to get lost in the joy of seeing each other between visits and it can actually end up being totally different once you are in your every day with that person. That way if it doesn't work out, you are established in your own place.

[Linus]

K and I ended moving in together nearly a year to the day that we started dating. For us we had more than the usual stressors: her sister had passed away unexpectedly 3 months before I had finally moved and I was dealing with challenges with US Immigration.

Now, I've spent the better part of my life moving so it's something I'm used to. Since I rarely got close to people unless they were work colleagues or on the internet, it was something I was flexible with. However, I was also starting my transition at this time and meeting up with a local trans masculine group helped me a lot.

Since K was already in NYC (and we rent -- it's near impossible to find a place that's decent to buy), she went looking with a broker I paid for. Since I had no credit rating and she was a student, her parents agreed to co-sign the lease. She had it pretty much ready for when I arrived. I had gotten rid of the majority of my bulky items except a few things that were important/antiques. Those things I kept in storage.

And I will re-iterate something that some have said: the challenge of a support net can be the thing that makes a difference. I won't lie. That first year we were together was hard. Damn hard. She had told me a few times that if I wanted to leave I could since dealing with this would be draining. And there were times but I figured if we couldn't deal with the big stuff, how would we deal with the small stuff? The support group was my immediate, quick support net that I could use if I needed to vent. I never did use it, oddly enough, but it was nice to know that I had it (ya know?)

It's hard for me, now that we're in Los Angeles, as it puts me farther away from family (who I see once a year or so) but life can be like that when you're mobile.

Anyways, I think I've meandered a bit too much. My point is this: both should be flexible and supportive when things do go wrong, moreso than usual. Moves are one of the top 3 stressors we face in life (divorce and death are the others, IIRC). It may be worthwhile to find a safety net for each other. Additionally, it may not be a bad thing for whoever's moved to visit home again once or twice a year.

[girl_dee]

LOTSSSSSSSSS of long visits and just observing the flow of daily life in the place you will be living.

If something bugs you now, it will intensify one billionth times when you move in together.

[Queerasfck]

I have successfully gone from LDR to living together. We just hit our three year anniversary. I was lucky because even though we were states apart, the distance wasn't that far, California to Arizona and I could do it in about 5 1/2 hours so we got to see each other quite a lot, so that was really helpful.

Money and a job are two really big issues to talk about and get squared away before you make the move. Start looking for work before you get there if you can. The strain of being out of work, having no money, and relocating is really, really hard on a relationship. That's a lot of changes at once. Thankfully I did find work in Arizona even though it wasn't the best job I had some money coming in. I had a small nest egg that disappeared pretty quick (probably because we had a dream vacation in San Francisco). Not the smartest financial move but it was awesome!!

Inevitably Arizona was not for Christine or I but I wouldn't change anything about the way things have played out. We are back in California again and we both are glad for that. We have a really good foundation I think in part because we do communicate pretty well, even when we're displeased with something the other person has done. Sometimes it's extremely hard work to talk about things, but you have to. You have to be honest and not hold grudges. We fit together like puzzle pieces.

Good luck Nat, I always enjoy reading yours posts!

[Jett]

My lady and I met in a internet B/F chat room and carried on a LDR before finally jumping in my truck and driving across like 10 states to escort her to my home... that was well over 13 years ago =)

I've thought about your questions and really just think always remembering (especially at first) even in minor spats if any, that she is far away from home and that is hard... and encourage visits for her home and of course just be and good to each other.

Good luck Natalie...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by diamondrose

i realize the the topic is LDR to Living together but...

One suggestion I could offer going from a LDR to being local is getting your own place to start off. It is easy to get lost in the joy of seeing each other between visits and it can actually end up being totally different once you are in your every day with that person. That way if it doesn't work out, you are established in your own place.

disclaimer- i was burned very badly by having an LDR move in with me- like call the cops/go to the hospital bad

I know it seems like a buzzkill but i, too, think living seperately-but-in-the-same-city for 6 months is the best thing to do.

And also- never move anywhere for love that you wouldn't move without it, or take a job that you wouldn't take otherwise. Part of you will hold your partner responsible for everything about your new situation

when someone leaves home, family, friends, and career for a relationship, this creates a situation where the relationship becomes "too big too fail" (lol) in that it just HAS to work because if it doesn't you have sacrificed all of that for nothing

this can cause you to ignore red flags or excuse bad behavior when you really shouldn't

i feel like an LDR is (in some respects) like a veeeeerrrry long first date- your second date doesn't even start until after the move

and making sacrifices as big as those mentioned (home, family, friends, and career) BEFORE the second date creates pressures that may be difficult to withstand

[ruffryder]

Great thread Nat! I think to prepare and ease the transition needs support and an understanding of needs from both parties. Unfortunately, for me, I never got that far. Twice in previous relationships we had planned for a move and at the time of move it didn't happen. I won't get into the specifics but I think you have to be sure it is what you want. If you have any doubt about something or the person don't do it! I am guessing you all are sure from what I can tell from your post. People are saying perhaps get your own place first. That is an option and a good idea if you have the income for that. However, if you are comfortable with the person then by all means move in with them right away afterall you have "been together" even if it is LDR. I would say go for it if it's in your heart and you are sure and everything will work out as it should. Have faith and make sure you both are supportive of each other's needs. If you are not set on the way your bedroom or other areas of your house are, maybe go shopping together and set up the place how you both feel would be comfortable and make it your home together.

Other suggestions I would make is talk about pets, kids, finances and come to an agreement beforehand. These are some areas couples find the most difficult to agree on. If you believe a certain way, don't let the other person take that away from you. Stand your ground, meet in the middle. You don't want to enter into a relationship of living together if you have to change everything about what you believe or want for your life.

Above all, be there for each other, listen, undertand, be supportive. Good luck!

[betenoire]

So while Nick has not yet officially moved to be with me, I guess I do have some opinions on the thing that I have not yet done.

Background. I moved from Toronto (happiest place on earth) to Sarnia (shitty town with less than 80,000 people in it) a few years ago now in preparation for us living together. We picked Sarnia because it's equal distance from both of our families, and because it's a border town which means that if Nick can't find work in Canada when he first moves here he can work in the US and drive over the bridge every day. Nick still hasn't moved here because I'm not okay with him doing so until he has an income here. He also still hasn't moved here because we haven't completed the immigration process for him yet - it's an expensive process to get a spouse landed and some things have come up for him that have made it impossible for him to get together his half of the fees.

So although I have done it first, ultimately we will have both moved away from everything we know. Now, I still haven't adjusted to the new town - at all. So I figure I can on some level speak to the experience of the person who moves to be with their LDR person.

It is very hard giving up everything that you know and love. I only see my family a handful of times a year (evey couple of months or so). I see the friends that I used to have less than that (I often don't even tell them that I'm in town when I go back to Toronto to see my parents - because my visits home are usually only 3-ish days and there just isn't time to see friends, especially with my family being so jealous of my time while I am visiting them.) The fault is all on me, since I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people, but it did eventually become a situation where Nick was my only friend - since I have ultimately lost touch (aside from a few "howyoudoin?s" over facebook) with everybody back home. That's a really unhealthy and dangerous place to be, having the person you are with being your ONLY anchor. But it's something that has a lot of potential to happen when you drop everything and move somewhere that the only person you know is your LDR.

[theoddz]

Like Linus and Bete, I too have done the international LDR thing and had it succeed....and then, unlike them, had it very painfully flop. My ex was Canadian and from Ontario. We met back in 1994 on (then) CompuServe and talked, visited, etc., for 2 very long years. She made the decision to be the one to move because I had a plethora of reasons I had to stay in the U.S., at the time, mostly health care related. She was living in Ottawa at the time and was working for an IT company that was on the verge of closing. In addition to coming down here to live with me, she saw the added opportunity of finding a better career situation here in the States. She was, initially, going to transfer down here to Richmond, VA, to a branch of her Canadian-based company, but the fellow who promised to facilitate her transfer was suddenly fired, so that fell through. She decided to come down anyway, and then figure out the employment situation afterwards. I remember being very cautious about this and telling her that, although I dearly wanted her with me more than anything else, that she had to be *sure* that she was doing the right thing in both her heart and mind, because there was a certain degree of personal happiness that she had to take responsibility for herself. I, and the love and respect we shared, would not, in itself, be enough to give her complete happiness. She had to make herself happy with herself, first and foremost. Of course, she agreed that she understood this and was not making any rash decisions. So, I got a job in Richmond, and an apartment and she quickly followed and we set up housekeeping together in a beautiful apartment in West Richmond.

During the six years that followed, she never found employment in the various places we lived (Jacksonville, FL, San Diego, CA, Sacramento, CA and finally here, in Las Vegas, NV) and her efforts to do so were often half-hearted and (I felt) insincere. I could never figure out why she never seemed interested, because she had 2 Bachelor's degrees in both Psychology and Business Administration. She was smart as a whip, pretty as all getout and had a quiet, easygoing, very kind and gentle personality. She hardly ever became upset about anything, except when the topic of her getting a job was concerned. Thinking about it now, there were financial stresses but not really severe ones because I was fortunate enough to support us both on what I make. Still, the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't seek employment bothered me, and I think her too, because someone with J's intellect just couldn't/wouldn't be happy just sitting around the house every day, doing nothing but keeping house, cooking, cleaning. I could tell it was wearing on her and just killing her spirit, but every time we'd try to talk about it, she became very defensive and ultimately shut down. It was the only problem we ever had with communication. Otherwise, we were absolute soulmates. She was my very best friend and I loved her tremendously. I still do, in many ways. She will always have my undying respect and affection, to this date and forever.

I'm not sure what exactly happened, but right after 9/11, in 2001, J became very isolated and, I thought, miserable. The United Sates was reeling after being attacked by terrorists, and the evening news became a nightly tirade against undocumented "alien" residents and an ardent effort to ferret these people out and deport them to their home countries. J and I were genuinely afraid of her status as one of those "undocumented aliens". Her parents called her on the phone just about every day, and sometimes numerous times a day, and J would always take the calls in the other room. I had the distinct impression that they were, perhaps, trying to persuade J to return home, for fear she might get caught up in the anti-immigrant/"alien" fervor and suffer the humiliation of deportation. I'm sure they (rightfully) feared for her, though she had never done anything illegal. She'd never worked or taken anything from the American social system. She was just here. As for me, well, it really just chapped my ass that I had served honorably, in the U.S. Marine Corps to protect the "American way of life" and rights of other people that were being denied to me. I came to deeply resent the fact (in my mind/immagination) that some young sailor, away from home for the first time, could be sitting in a foreign bar room, drunk, and be able to marry the first piece of ass he ever had....and then be able to bring the new wife into this country legally, the very next day!!! Here I was, though, with the love of my life, my soulmate, my J, who I was absolutely devoted to, yet we were fearing that she'd be deported because I couldn't bring her legally into this country. It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off, just thinking about it.

So, all that being said, our relationship sunk into a mundane existence and just finally seemed to stall out. I think I knew what was wrong (her unhappiness with the situation and my inability to make it any better), but I just couldn't solve it for her myself. It was really sad, because we did love each other very, very much. It's just that, sometimes, all the love in the world just isn't enough.

The last day I ever saw J was the morning of February 25, 2002, as I left for work. I remember walking out the door and looking back at her as she bent down to pick up the daily newspaper, which was lying on the front step. She looked up at me and simply said, "I love you." I told her "I love you, too.", back. When I got home that night, she was gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter, telling me goodbye and to please let her go and move on.

Well, I guess there was nothing for it but to do exactly has she had requested. We talked on the phone, briefly, a couple of times about some "loose ends" that needed to be tied up after that, but I never pressured her to reconsider. She's a smart woman, that J. I loved her enough to let her go, and to give her the space and respect she needed to get on with her life, too. We don't talk now. I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. I do hope that she has found her space and her happiness...and what she is looking for. I will always carry her in my heart and I still, sometimes, think of her and wish that I could just talk to her one more time. Of it all, I miss my best friend the most.

So yes, I've done the LDR. I have taken from my experience the valuable lesson that you cannot "fix" other people or make someone else happy in every way. There is a very large element of personal responsibility connected with happiness that each partner is solely responsible for themselves. You can have all the love, respect, etc., in the world for each other, but there's also a large element of other factors that we all need to take responsibility for, ourselves.

As for my part, well, I have resolved to not ever take the full responsibility of trying to "fix" someone, or their life, because I cannot do that, any more than I can hang the moon, by myself. There's a saying about this sort of thing that goes, "No matter where you go, there you are.". We all have to be vested in our own selves and lives, and that means our careers/jobs as well as our hearts. I have personally experienced what it is to miserably fail at trying to do otherwise, and let my heart rule above my head, while also ignoring my gut. I know now that just loving someone is not always enough. They also have to love and respect themselves, too. If you are fortunate enough to have all of these considerations working in both of your favors, before you take that big step of joining your lives and asking one partner to up and leave an established life in one locale for another, then I would say that you've got a pretty good shot at making something really great work. If not, well, the results may not, ultimately, be so favorable.

My .02

~Theo~

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I went from an International LDR to living together (Italy to the US) – the biggest problem was the possessiveness of my partner. A few months after moving in with her, I lost my friends and my family weren’t welcome to visit because she felt I’d leave her for some one else (my naturally friendly and bubbly personality makes it easy for me to meet people, but, it can be taken as me flirting – which I don’t do, as I haven’t a clue how! LOL!). The fact that I travelled with my job didn’t help! I was isolated – I couldn’t even join a hand embroidery group or volunteer for a charity……which I do when my SB means I cannot work for a while, then I hand embroider blankets for the local Neo-natal unit or hospices, etc. I like to be part of the community and help where I can - I help with the local wildlife conservation. I take in neglected and unwanted cats that need a loving home, be it for their last few hours, days, weeks, months or years, or until they find a more suitable forever home.

I’ve had another LDR, but, I felt that the distance across the pond was too great and too expensive to really build anything serious, that would lead to a permanent life together.

The logistics for me to move outside of Europe are a nightmare, as I have to find a Neurologist and Spinal Orthopaedic Surgeon for my SB, then, there are my cats, my furniture, etc. It would be different if I met another Kiwi or an Aussie, as I’d be home or at least just across the Tasman, lol!

I have family here in the UK that I’m close too and there are numerous cheap-ish flights across Europe to and from the UK for my family to visit me and vice versa, so, I’m being realistic and practical in my limitations for LDRs going into a living together permanently situation.

[girl_dee]

Also be aware of laws regarding moving someone in.

I once had an apartment, I let someone I was talking to long distance stay with me for what was to be a couple of months until she could get her own apartment and I was more than happy to help her get a job and a place. She wanted a better life and more opportunities for work. The only problem was she sat on her butt and had no intention of moving once she set up house in my living room. She became paranoid and was convinced everyone was out to *get * her including me. Every spam email or pop up she got confirmed for her that we were all out to *get her* She then informed me, by yelling thru my bedroom door which I stayed locked behind for days at a time, that since I invited her, that she did not have to leave. I had someone who helped me get my nerve up to confront her and I woke her up one day and told her to get OUT. She said no, I called the cops, they then informed me that she did not have to go, and that I would have to process her eviction through the court system! That if I allowed her to stay for more than 24 hours it was also her place of residence I was at my wits end.

She saw me downstairs talking to the police and then saw the cops leave. I came upstairs and told her the cops were coming back in 20 minutes to evict her,(I don't believe in lying but I felt I had no choice) and that if she did not go peacefully they would arrest her. She believed me, thank GOD, she threw stuff at me while she packed her few things, including my gate key which landed on my face. She went out to her car to throw some of her clothes in, so I hurried and tossed the rest of her stuff outside of my door and slammed it shut just as she was coming up the last step, she banged and banged but I wouldn't open it. She finally left but not until she sat screaming to my entire apartment complex obscenities about me and my apartment number. I was so scared that she was going to *get me* that I stopped going places except to work and then became a hermit and to this day I have issues with going places. I go, but I still feel I am on alert.

So yah, be careful before you invite someone into your home, you may not be able to get them out easily.

[Lynn]

We had a LDR for a year before she moved to this area. She didn't move in, as I felt that would be moving too quickly. We continued our relationship for another year before we took that step. Now, four years hence, we have just gotten married.

What made it easier--she got a job and secured an apartment before she moved, and we didn't make a commitment to living together until we had a decent idea that we might have a future together. With my daughters involved, I was extremely cautious about protecting them from a revolving door of bad relationships.

I think we've been able to reach this point, feeling so good, because we didn't just go with the flow, and do what was expected at each point. We really looked at our options and choices and made sure it felt right at each step.

[crashhere4eva]

I have only lived together with a girlfriend one time in my life and it was the worst relationship I've ever had but it was not from a long distance relationship. We had lived close by each other before. Basically, it's a chance you take regardless of the consequences. If we make the choice to date long distance, we must be able to follow through even if it does complicate things a little more. It's a chance no matter what. Whether the object of your affection lives next door or whether they live in next state or another country; it's my opinion it's always good to meet several times and spend a time online together (even if it's watchin tv, listening to radio, or cooking together, or cleaning up). It's important to get to know them as you would (or as closely as possible) as you would if you lived close by. I would say get involved in things via webcam such as routine activities or introducing your mate to places and people they like. It gives the couple the opportunity to reach beyond the general conversations. Then during personal visits, there are no surprises and one is already familiar with routines, idiosyncrasies and enviroment.
I have been in several LDR's and the closest I came to living with one was (2005-2006) in which she moved to my town but not with me in my place. That obviously did not work out but I don't think it has anything to do with it being a LDR yet everything to do with us not being right for each other. Yes, LDR can become a nightmare but honestly so can the girl or the boi next door. It's a chance we take. So no, I have not lived with a LDR but that is my opinion on it at this time. I have come close to living with women from an LDR and taking the steps I've mentioned here have helped me realized that moving in with them was not a good idea. I know several couples who are successfully and happily together for many years who met in an LDR so like I said, it's a chance we take. I am in an LDR right now and it's been the best one I've eva been in whether it be LDR or a girl across the street and I wouldn't walk away from it for anything. If it turns out I'm wrong then I will be wrong but if I'm right... oh how right it is.

[HoustonHuny]

I did it twice...neither one worked out, but I am not jaded. I am optimistic enough to believe that it could work. It was also fun while it lasted. I did enjoy the LDR very much!

What I did get out of one of them was a relationship for several years with the ex of one of my LDR's. Lots of fun times and memories.

So it was not all a bust.

[stephfromMIT]

Mandy and I have lived together for basically a year (August of '11) Our major "conflict" was our attitudes toward food and hobbies. I'm an unrepentent carnivore, and she's almost vegan. As to hobbies, I'm into lifting weights, and pounding a punching bag, Mandy's an avid runner. She lucked out because one of our HS pals is at Harvard Law School, so she has a running buddy in the neighborhood.

[Soft*Silver]

I have done it. And I also got burnt badly both times. However, I learned from those experiences. So, here goes:

time and presence. Make sure you have both and not too much or too little of each, for each other. Every new couple goes thru an emeshment time, a time of isolation and couple-bonding. However, for those who didnt get to date locally, this period can become very intense and that intensity can eat the novelty of the relationship away too soon. Novelty time is when you can inhale the other person and look at them with fairy dust in your eyes and fall in love. When you live together and havent had time to do the fairy dust time before reality sets in, it can dim the fairy dust.

money: yours theirs and ours. Make sure money matters are CLEARLY diagrammed. And dont merge all your monies together at first, Divide bills and other financial responsibilities how the two of you decide but maintain control of your money. At least at first.

Its amazing how much you learn about someone when you live with them. I moved in with B (not on nor ever was a member of any BF sites) and didnt know she liked to entertain close friends nude. No, really. Nude. Expect weirdness. But realize you have weirdness the other person has to acclimate to, too.

Did you meet each other's friends before you moved in? I didnt with one person and damn I wish I had. What do you do when their friends dont like you or you dont like them? Figuring it out once you've moved in together, isnt the best scenerio. However, if this is what happens, you will find out how committed your new partner is to your relationship, if not to you.

Find an activity you can do together. A hobby, a cause, a pet, something. But make sure its a mutual decision and not just what one person wants. I made my mistake by doing what *I* wanted, not what we would have liked to do together. (But, in my defense, the other person wanted to please me and agreed.)

Discuss small infractions to your senstivities. In other words, even tho you are in love and newly living together, they are going to piss you off or frustrate you or confuse you or scare you. Talk about these things or they will become dividers. They might be actual dividers but if you dont practice GOOD COMMUNICATION, things that shouldnt matter in the long run, will kill you in the short term.

Take care of yourself first. First. If you do this, you have enough to give the other person and you wont lose yourself being with them.

[girl_dee]

don't assume anything, talk talk talk and write it down!