Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[Cuddles]

I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

[~ocean]

i personaly feel if u loved someone the love never leaves u, it just takes a diff place in ur heart ! enjoy her as she was meant to be inyour life . for a reason only u will know.

[Gráinne]

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

[The_Lady_Snow]

"I love to save a damsel in distress"

When that sentence STOPS being part of how you enable people is when true long standing relationships that have clear and healthy boundaries will flourish!!

I'm friends with exes because of those clear healthy boundaries.



No one likes blurry lines...

[Cuddles]

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

[PaPa]

Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

[The_Lady_Snow]

She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely)..

Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!!

[T4Texas]

Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again.
It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

I think it's possible to be friends with exes when you don't want to 'save' them. That would bring up a huge red light and clanging of bells for me.

I would also ask why are you the only person she can turn to after two years. Has she not got friends of her own; has she not built a life for herself? If not, why not?

You say it wasn't a great relationship for you. Why let her back and bring up what will probably not be great memories for you? Just take some time to consider why she would say that you were the only person who cared for her? Maybe she knows the buttons she needs to press? Just a thought.

Can I remind you that you/we cannot save anyone, they can only do that themselves by actively engaging in whatever problem they have and being proactive on their own behalf.

You will do what you want to do but my counsel would be, tread carefully.

[princessbelle]

Yes yes and more yesess to the whole boundary idea. Don't just run out the door and greet her and rescue her and have your heart ripped to shreds. Make a deal with YOURSELF. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

If it starts getting too much and those old feelings start to come up for air, step back. You can always be a friend without getting in too deep. It is your boundary that identifies how far you are willing to let her in...not her decision. That one is yours all by yourself. Don't let her set those standards of your heart. You are in control.

I have exes i would still give a kidney to if they needed it, and truthfully, i would most likely come to any of their aids if they really were in need. But, i know my limits and am not quite the naive person i once was.

Just go in with your eyes wide open and make sure you protect you.

Good luck!!!!!!

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by guihong

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

You totally hit the nail on the head with this one! If an ex can be a nurturing, caring friend to you then I think that is great. If an ex pops back in to your life because they are bored or lonely or needy then maybe that is not the best friendship for you. What does she have to bring to the relationship? How can being in contact with her enrich your life, beyond satisfying the need to care for someone and be needed? Be selfish and take care of yourself first!

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by guihong

...if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

^^^^^

What they said.

[Luv]

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

[TimilDeeps]

Originally Posted by Luv

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

same here

[Hack]

I also think it depends on how things ended and why. I am on speaking terms with most of my exes. Just because you are no longer in love with someone doesn't mean you no longer care about them. That said, boundaries are a good idea, as well as having enough time for the both of you to heal. It took me a while after my last serious romance to be able to speak to her again, and she pretty much wanted the every-day contact to continue after the break-up. I told her I couldn't do that and I needed time. Now we can occasionally speak to each other and there are no hard feelings or bitterness. I think that has to be a boundary, or at the minimum a ground rule, for both sides to get to a place where friendship is possible.

[WomenMoveMe]

Gosh, you will certainly get vast disparity in the replies to your question.

In my case, the answer is 'yes'. Although, having had only one ex (my last partner died while we were still together, and therefore does not factor here), makes it an easy answer for me.

We are not best friends by any means, but we talk a few times a year, exchange holiday cards, and chat while playing Words with Friends daily on Facebook.

For me, it comes down to the fact that at one time I loved her enough to have wanted to spend my life with her. It is clear, as we are no longer together. There were reasons that was not to be. However, our parting of intimate ways in no way rules out that I very much liked her at one point. I still do. It is simply as the years passed, we did not grow together, but rather moved slowly apart.

So yes, it is possible, at least for me. But then, there was not another party involved, we did not lie to one another, we were not abusive to one another, we did not come to resent one another, We suffered no unspoken, but not forgotten, hurts or angst that reared their ugly heads causing our relationship to come tumbling down upon us.

With only one ex to reference, I say it again, yes, it is possible.

[OldSchoolButch]

Wow you hit home with the same issue I'm repairing in me now.We are the great rescuers ! Fighting this Co Dependence in short is hell and for me I need too keep backing up because I'm the only one that looses, No matter what I do ,or repair in my ex she stayed the same always in a constant state of despair. In the end I lost me.I recently had a friend ( not saying yours is too this extreme but mine damn near was ) that died from complications from a attempted suicide. She was in her own type of abusive relationship.I awoke a few days latter after crying for days wishing I was home too the thought "There not worth dying over". I won't go back too old haunts or old past habits. I will just keep growing best I can.

Originally Posted by Cuddles

I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Cuddles

Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

The answer, in principle, is an unambiguous yes.

Of course, in reality, it depends on a whole multitude of factors dependent upon the relationship, the personalities involved, their shared history and their paths travelled since splitting up.

Sometimes, it's good to be friends with an ex, sometimes it's not. Treat every situation on it's own merits. It's no different from being friends with a neighbor or a work colleague in the sense that there's no straightforward "right" or "wrong" to when a friendship should work and when it shouldn't.

On occasions, the shared history will be a bond and in other scenarios, the shared history would clearly make any attempt at friendship a disaster for one or both parties. Ultimately, only you and your ex can answer that one.


Personally, I've stayed friends with some exes. I find this healthy. A relationship not lasting doesn't necessarily mean that we cannot be social, have strong mutual interests and enjoy each other's company and sharing fun times.

[AzAshburn]

It really depends on the way you broke up with them. As for me, I seldom keep in touch with my exes after we decided to live our lives in separate ways. It's simply because I don't see any reasons to stay friends with them. Past is past, they were there once, the relationship didn't work so just let it be.

I did try to keep the friendship with my last ex-girlfriend, whom i was with for nearly six years before she left me for a man. Things did not work out since i still had feelings for her at that time and seeing her moving on with her new boyfriend was too much for me to bear, so i cut all the ties. She still searched for me until last year. I changed my phone number and distanced myself away from her not long after that.. Sometimes, it's not because you don't love them or do not want them in your life anymore, but you need to leave the past in the past and move forward... They are exes for some reasons anyway..

[PumaJ]

I am friends with three of my exes