Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

Luv · 02-25-2012, 03:36 PM

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

TimilDeeps · 02-25-2012, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luv

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

same here

girl_dee · 02-25-2012, 03:58 PM

this question pops up all the time

sometimes yes sometimes no

no one will convince me that it's not a "different" friendship once people have been intimate. Nothing wrong with that, but it's different.

deedarino · 02-25-2012, 04:13 PM

I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear.

With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble.

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 04:46 PM

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

Estella · 02-25-2012, 04:53 PM

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

StrongButch · 02-25-2012, 05:08 PM

I think so after time has passed I think it is healthy

Soft*Silver · 02-25-2012, 05:27 PM

I am currently friends with most of my exes. I can tell you that the exes who DONT want to be friends with me, do so, so I wont tell their tales....they are wayyy to ashamed of themselves and how they acted with me to let me near their life now.

macele · 02-25-2012, 05:32 PM

the chance of being friends is much better with a sisters or brothers ex LOL.

i do talk to an ex girlfriend. we laugh. we talk about day to day stuff. but there are different types of friends. she's not one that i can tell absolutely anything to. but yeah, a communication line can be achieved.

a lot depends on where the heart is, ... has it moved on. it's certainly not healthy, mentally, to extend a hand when loneliness is present (personal experience). as bad ass strong as i think i am, i can let my guard down, ... when lonely creeps in.

i'm not so sure it can ever be a complete friendship. maybe no more than hello, how are you? with a laugh thrown in. i certainly don't want to be friends on a level where current girlfriends meet the exes over dinner.

i do hope all works out for you, cuddles.

Skittlesluver · 02-25-2012, 05:45 PM

I think this really depends on each other's feelings and each individual person. If both of you can keep your friendship going and not bring up the past or the "relationship"...maybe...but as mentioned in previous posts here....things are "different" after you have engaged in an intimate relationship with someone.
There is not right or wrong answer to this question...it's totally based on each person's personal preference...(try saying those three words fast)

girl_dee · 02-25-2012, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fenchurch

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

princessbelle · 02-25-2012, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

For me, this is just MHO, i don't have a "need" to be a friend with my exes. But, I do believe it is great when friendships can come out of relationships and that has most certainly happened for me a couple of times. I've seen this from others as well and it always warms my heart and makes me think "good for them".

And even the term friend can be dissected as to it's true meaning. A close friend, a friend you rarely talk to, someone who has your back, etc. It varies, IMO with each person that we consider a "friend".

I have a couple of exes i never speak to, the break ups were not exactly hunky dory. But, i would still help them if they called, for instance, saying they had cancer or someone in their family did and needed a shoulder or a friend or nursing guidance. I would for anyone, and most certainly for someone that i once cared about evidently enough to be their partner.

But, again, IMO, there has to be boundaries in every type of relationship and most certainly with an ex. Would it break my heart if an ex didn't want to be friends with me? Maybe, but i'd get over it...probably rather quickly.

Syr · 02-25-2012, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fenchurch

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

Well said. My sentiments exactly.

Miss_J · 02-25-2012, 04:07 PM

Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take.
Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow.

I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to.

Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience.

twist of lime · 02-25-2012, 05:48 PM

The best recipe...
no. no. no.

Think Titanic or a train derailment or Groundhog Day

bigbutchmistie · 06-17-2012, 01:58 PM

Yes for me I am friends with my exe's. Just because the relationship didnt work doesnt mean they arent great friends.

I am also friends with their spouses as well. I dont hold grudges. I want their happiness even though it wasnt with me.

Whomever I end up partnering with is going to have to accept that...

funkyfemme · 06-17-2012, 02:17 PM

I'm friends with all but two of mine. My first butch is still very much in my life and always will be. We just celebrated our "anniversary" on the 6th of this month. So yeah, you really can be friends with an ex. But I also agree with a few others here - all depends on why you broke up.

homoe · 06-17-2012, 03:55 PM

I agree with Funky, sometimes it all depends on why you broke up! I am still friends with my ex and now she's even my BFF! I always consider it a big ole red flag when I meet someone and they tell me all of their ex's hate them!

Quintease · 06-17-2012, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by homoe

I agree with Funky, sometimes it all depends on why you broke up! I am still friends with my ex and now she's even my BFF! I always consider it a big ole red flag when I meet someone and they tell me all of their ex's hate them!

Agreed. I dated someone who was hated by all of her exes, only to later discover why.
I wouldn't hold it against someone if they hadn't remained friends with their exes however. I know myself I have tried to stay friends with certain exes but travelling and new relationships have usually put paid to that. My ex wife, for example, is now living it large in a beautiful and sunny city, while I'm married and planning a baby in a place where it always rains. We have little in common.

AtLast · 06-17-2012, 04:22 PM

I agree with the "why" & "how" the break-up occured in terms of remaining friends. Also, sometimes we can be attracted off the charts to someone romantically, but, find that this fizzles when one (or both) realizes that it just isn't a good match. Yet, you have a lot in common and work well as friends.

02-25-2012, 04:13 PM	#4
deedarino Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Woman Relationship Status: In recovery. Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Oregon Posts: 632 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,518 Thanked 1,955 Times in 496 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear. With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble. __________________ Squint your eyes and look closer. I'm not between you and your ambitions. I am a poster girl with no poster. I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head~Ani I want to think again of dangerous and noble things; I want to be light and frolicsome; I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing as if I had wings Mary Oliver

02-25-2012, 04:53 PM	#6
Estella Member How Do You Identify?: Straightforward Femme. What you see is what you get. Preferred Pronoun?: We Relationship Status: Sadie, Sadie ... married lady. Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Love that dirty water ... Posts: 355 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 94 Thanked 551 Times in 130 Posts Rep Power: 8279290	I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material. I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked. And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above. All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous. There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too. __________________ Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? -- Douglas Adams

02-25-2012, 05:08 PM	#7
StrongButch Member How Do You Identify?: I see the world thru a lens Preferred Pronoun?: Yes Boss Relationship Status: Chillin out with awesome women Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: San Francisco Posts: 1,376 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,018 Thanked 4,183 Times in 1,180 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Can you be friends with an ex I think so after time has passed I think it is healthy

02-25-2012, 05:27 PM	#8
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,908 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	I am currently friends with most of my exes. I can tell you that the exes who DONT want to be friends with me, do so, so I wont tell their tales....they are wayyy to ashamed of themselves and how they acted with me to let me near their life now. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

02-25-2012, 05:45 PM	#10
Skittlesluver Member How Do You Identify?: Casual Dreamer Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Deep In The Heart Of Texas Posts: 233 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 190 Thanked 561 Times in 191 Posts Rep Power: 8243082	I think this really depends on each other's feelings and each individual person. If both of you can keep your friendship going and not bring up the past or the "relationship"...maybe...but as mentioned in previous posts here....things are "different" after you have engaged in an intimate relationship with someone. There is not right or wrong answer to this question...it's totally based on each person's personal preference...(try saying those three words fast) __________________ “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish"

02-25-2012, 03:36 PM	#1
Luv Member How Do You Identify?: .... Relationship Status: .. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: ..... Posts: 753 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,199 Thanked 1,217 Times in 367 Posts Rep Power: 12549741	Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

02-25-2012, 03:58 PM	#3
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,833 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	this question pops up all the time sometimes yes sometimes no no one will convince me that it's not a "different" friendship once people have been intimate. Nothing wrong with that, but it's different.

02-25-2012, 04:46 PM	#5
Cuddles Junior Member How Do You Identify?: A romantic butch who loves to cuddle... and steal your french fry when you're not looking! Preferred Pronoun?: No preference. Relationship Status: Single, always looking to mingle and maybe be tamed one day Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Northern Florida Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 191 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 1805812	Well that went better than I thought. She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot. However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself. It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

02-25-2012, 05:32 PM	#9
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,231 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	the chance of being friends is much better with a sisters or brothers ex LOL. i do talk to an ex girlfriend. we laugh. we talk about day to day stuff. but there are different types of friends. she's not one that i can tell absolutely anything to. but yeah, a communication line can be achieved. a lot depends on where the heart is, ... has it moved on. it's certainly not healthy, mentally, to extend a hand when loneliness is present (personal experience). as bad ass strong as i think i am, i can let my guard down, ... when lonely creeps in. i'm not so sure it can ever be a complete friendship. maybe no more than hello, how are you? with a laugh thrown in. i certainly don't want to be friends on a level where current girlfriends meet the exes over dinner. i do hope all works out for you, cuddles.

02-25-2012, 04:07 PM	#14
Miss_J Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: ? Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 508 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,415 Thanked 1,558 Times in 324 Posts Rep Power: 10308963	Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take. Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow. I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to. Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience. __________________

02-25-2012, 05:48 PM	#15
twist of lime Member How Do You Identify?: femme Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: under a red tiled roof Posts: 364 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,223 Thanked 407 Times in 102 Posts Rep Power: 6656175	The best recipe... no. no. no. Think Titanic or a train derailment or Groundhog Day

06-17-2012, 01:58 PM	#16
bigbutchmistie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Since You Need A Label. Butch Relationship Status: Still Dreaming Of My Happily Ever After Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arlington Texas Posts: 4,009 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,950 Thanked 5,364 Times in 1,941 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Yes for me I am friends with my exe's. Just because the relationship didnt work doesnt mean they arent great friends. I am also friends with their spouses as well. I dont hold grudges. I want their happiness even though it wasnt with me. Whomever I end up partnering with is going to have to accept that...

06-17-2012, 02:17 PM	#17
funkyfemme Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Gamey as Fuck Relationship Status: I move from person to person real quick. Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: A sad little town Posts: 800 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,059 Thanked 2,824 Times in 662 Posts Rep Power: 0	I'm friends with all but two of mine. My first butch is still very much in my life and always will be. We just celebrated our "anniversary" on the 6th of this month. So yeah, you really can be friends with an ex. But I also agree with a few others here - all depends on why you broke up.

06-17-2012, 03:55 PM	#18
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,558 Times in 14,919 Posts Rep Power: 21474890	Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex? I agree with Funky, sometimes it all depends on why you broke up! I am still friends with my ex and now she's even my BFF! I always consider it a big ole red flag when I meet someone and they tell me all of their ex's hate them!

06-17-2012, 04:22 PM	#20
AtLast Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Woman Preferred Pronoun?: HER - SHE Relationship Status: Relating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: CA & AZ I'm a Snowbird Posts: 5,408 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,826 Thanked 10,827 Times in 3,199 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I agree with the "why" & "how" the break-up occured in terms of remaining friends. Also, sometimes we can be attracted off the charts to someone romantically, but, find that this fizzles when one (or both) realizes that it just isn't a good match. Yet, you have a lot in common and work well as friends.