PTSD and Trauma recovery

Jet · 05-07-2010, 04:13 PM

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

05-07-2010, 04:13 PM	#11
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,647 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	Hello all, Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over. I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be. It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear. Fear, fear, fear. Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away. And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear. I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened. So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.