PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Jet]

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Jet

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

Hey bud,

I recognize in your story one fundamental fact of my own: the world just doesn't feel like a safe place anymore. My therapist said that to me recently and it hit the nail squarely on the head. How do you get that sense of safety back? That's the trick, especially when your brain is now programmed to stay in that state of hyper vigilance, fight or flight. For me, every emotion I feel turns into anxiety when the feeling is strong. That includes depression, excitement, even joy. It's like the brain is just wired for panic and anxiety.

I guess the way to dig out of that hole is to start with how you feel about yourself. That is what I am working on in therapy and it's very rough going. What is helping me at the moment is that I am starting my journey of my FTM transition. It gives me a goal, and something to look forward to. At least it's a distraction anyway.

Well, I hope anything I have said might be helpful bud, but I don't know. Keep on pluggin', don't give up.

[Jet]

You have to feel the feelings, otherwise you'll be pent in for the rest of your life. Fight the fear that is associated with being victimized. Don't think about being victimized, think about fighting the fears within as you face the trauma, and chunk by chunk, it will come out.

AS you take meds/if you take meds, know that they are there to keep your head straight and your anxiety level down.. Each time there is a trigger, or something happens, let the fear come out and give it over to God. By all means don't be afraid to feel the feelings.

I had to stop my transition process because of trauma; I didn't fake feeling well with my therapist. I did not want risk agressive behavior (which some guys have) or the responsibilites which come from a life-changing challenges that transitioning would bring for me. I don't want to go through anything that would level me because of an the unstable and unpredictable lapses from PTSD.

I'm very close I think to coming out the other side—however it may even the summer or fall before I complete this process. PTSD is rough. Facing or remembering something to get rid of it is can be rougher—for one thing, I get really pissed that I suffer from trauma. I'm on meds for this, so that I can stay level without issues around PTSD. Considering that I don't how T will affect me, it's best that I stay on course and deal with trauma and the toll it took on my life.

Good luck all
—J

[Andrew, Jr.]

I was talking with a ptsd survivor. Amazing woman, but we all are. To survive and thrive. God bless us all.