The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Liam

I don't want a pass, however I do want people to ask questions for clarification. My experience has been that people make assumptions, over and over, and they are wrong.

I don't think most people should have a pass, however there are those whom I believe should. When a brain injury occurs, the functions of the neurons, nerve tracts, or sections of the brain can be effected. If the neurons and nerve tracts are effected, they can be unable or have difficulty carrying messages that tell the brain what to do. This can result in Thinking Changes, Physical Changes, and Personality and Behavioral Changes. These changes can be temporary or permanent. They may cause impairment or complete inability to perform a function. One of these impairments, which may occur concerns social competence, it is one of the most complex tasks our brain encounters, and for some it doesn't happen. If someone lacks skill in this area, it is unreasonable to demand that it occur. Anger and punishment only adds to their frustration, and they only know that they did something wrong, but are left without a clue as to how to fix it. A person can read, write, take care of themselves and not be able to grasp the nuances that many take for granted. Their style of communication may seem inappropriate, when they are angry, scared or excited. I think this kind of person should get a pass.

As a person with severe brain injury I hear what you are saying. In fact I live with what you are saying.

In my brain injury rehab there were a lot of young men. A LOT of them were very sexually inappropriate. Hell, *I* was sexually inappropriate at first too. I would grab nurses rear ends and ask incredibly inappropriate sexual question. I was often kicked out of therapies. By the time I was done I had had 11 different occupational therapists. 11!!!!

At rehab, there was a warning, and then there was either suspension or expulsion from the program. At occupational therapy? Same thing.

Why is that do you think? The very places we are at for help are kicking us out! I used to get soooo angry.

Until I had an "aha" moment. That was as follows: when I am inappropriate with myself there is just me. With my loved ones? There is more lee-way for a pass, but they can walk away. To strangers? Well aha! No nurse deserves to be groped. Or made the object of sexual inappropriateness. The is not just "me" involved any longer when I am inappropriate or don't follow the rules. To put greater value on *me* because I am disabled erases the other human being involved. After being kicked out of 11 occupational therapy programs? I figured out that a little self gratification in my room was probably a WAY better idea than getting kicked out again, and I was running out of options.

I don't think it's fair to place greater equitable value on one human being than another. So if a person is on this site, is differently abled and been talked to and talked to and worked with? And still is sexually inappropriate, or calling names, or any other number of behaviors? Then consequences are in order.

I also think it's dangerous to assume that everyone is NOT differently abled just because you haven't been told otherwise. I have seen one differently abled person do all the things I mentioned above to another differently abled person and never have a clue that that was the case.

So again, I am not asking the site to lose it's compassion. In fact I am not even purporting to tell others what to do.

But I am asking you (specific and general) to not give me Adele a pass where you normally wouldn't give one. Please. It doesn't help me.

I may be a lot of things, but I have NOT been fighting for equality both in the Queer world and the Disabled world to have it taken away from me against my will.

Just like I got a marriage license last year here in CA. If I were to ever break up? I would fully expect to go through the same thing hetero couples go through. Divorce, sharing of property, child support, and spousal support should all be taken into consideration. I don't get to rip up my marriage license and not have the same consequences because "Queer marriage is now illegal".

I don't want to participate on this site, within my own community as anything other than an equal. I don't want differently abled to be the only lens you see me through, or the first thought when debating with me.

I'm willing to do the work, and follow the rules. I'm willing to learn. I can't do that if I never know I am wrong.

I can only truly make this plea for myself, but I would hope that all differently abled people would be treated as equals. Not separate but equal.

Edited to add: I am NOT asking for a lack of compassion, or for people to lose all patience and empathy with me. Or anyone else. Not at all. A pass does not = working with somebody. I've tried really hard to make that clear but feel I've got a big fat fail because I don't feel heard.