The Purse: Unpacking Femme Privilege

[Reader]

Originally Posted by Reader

Well, I hear you about the eye-contact thing. Perhaps in NJ it is different.

About two weeks ago I was in Dunkin Donuts and it was late at night and two nurses in scrubs were getting coffee. I was next to them getting my own coffee, when the dark-haired one began chatting me up. I chatted back. She was kind of nice and seemed like she could have been a femme lesbian, but it was hard to tell since she and her friend were both wearing scrubs.

I got the feeling she was flirting with me. Normally, I am sort of dense about such things, but I have been lacking a femme in my life, missing that pleasant femme energy a lot lately and so I am more aware of its absence, I guess.

She and her friend received their stuff and I said to her, "I'd be happy to get that for you ladies", holding out a bill in their server's direction. She said "Oh, uh,..." and she stammered and looked at her friend. I added, "Might I get those coffees for you?" She finally said, "Oh, no, no. Thanks anyway. We have it." I said "OK", paid for my coffee and left.

Now, I could interpret that interaction in a few ways. My best friend, a femme by the way, made a disparaging remark about straight women who enjoy flirting with butches when I recounted this tale to her. Maybe she was just a friendly woman who was not flirting at all. Who knows?

Until I am coupled, I will continue, on those rare occasions, to make friendly gestures to women who appear to flirt with me in public.

It's kind of fun, in a strange, character-stretching way, to be shot down in public. After all, a loaded gun, once properly disassembled, is rendered impotent. The same holds true for defeat.

I don't think it will be especially helpful to respond in-depth to everyone's or anyone's reaction, in particular, to my post, except to say thanks to all for reading it. Of course, I had no idea that my little tale would generate such interest.

Sometimes, on BFP, I imagine that I am chatting with pals in a small cafe and yet somehow it evolves into something quite different; my post and I end up being inspected, dissected and soundly rejected (I do believe I have the end-line for a new poem---> "inspected, dissected and soundly rejected" ...but I digress ;-) , sometimes my post and I end up being inspected, dissected and soundly rejected by the same folks in multiple threads. I find this harmless, possible coincidence rather flattering at times and oddly amusing at others (truth be told) and not for what may seem to be the obvious reasons.

The folks who do the inspecting, dissecting and rejecting often actually do not know what I mean or what I am referring to, and a misunderstanding can occur which happened recently in another thread. As in real life, I only clarify my statements to folks when they ask me to. Otherwise, I assume I am clearly understood. I usually take some care in what I post. If people misunderstand me I do not blame them, I blame my own lack of writing skill, for this is a forum where one communicates by writing (mostly), and it does take skill to discuss complex issues in such a one-dimensional, black and white, way. I believe the need for skill is the reason there are so many "fluff" and fun threads and those light threads have the most hits.

Many people come here to socialize in a safe way and have an enjoyable time. They don't dare post anything that could cause them to gain the notice of those who might misunderstand them, even if they might need to vent or get support or wish to be educated.

I'm sure there is tons of stuff we all could learn and share with each other, but I suspect, nah, I KNOW from talking with people offline, that folks are afraid to post things because they lack confidence in their writing/communication skills and they are concerned that there is a roving pack of Post Police (and I DO NOT MEAN ADMINS) who are anxious to filet them for what often amounts to their inability to effectively communicate using this awkward medium.

All of this leads me to my reason for this post, my reason for replying in this way to all of the replies to my anecdotal post in this thread. I wish to clarify one thing because another post of mine was apparently misunderstood and, Can I Just Say, it left me rather perplexed.

In this thread I posted: <SNIP> "It's kind of fun, in a strange, character-stretching way, to be shot down in public. After all, a loaded gun, once properly disassembled, is rendered impotent. The same holds true for defeat."

For the record, what I was referring to above was a larger message to all of us: defeat, of any kind, public or private, can be taken apart and made harmless. Defeat can be temporary. There is always the option of outlasting defeat, no matter how big, no matter how small. In short, you can beat defeat.

Incidentally, I wasn't "defeated" or "shot down" in my attempt to "get something" in return, I was shot down in my attempt to have someone "take" something from me in the form of coffee.

This is a clear example of how it often is true that by doing service or "giving" service to others, we ourselves, in reality, are often the ones "receiving" the most from the act. I'm sure all of you fine folks who do social work or volunteer or help animal rescue or deposit spiders outside instead of killing them know just what I mean, eh?