The Psychology of Online Dating

[DapperButch]

I have only dated at a distance once in the last 20 years. That was also "unplanned". We were able to stay chunks of time at each others' houses (two weeks at a time), so I do feel like I got a sense of the "day to day". It just so happened we came together at a time when both of us had things happening where we could have that amount of time together.

I have always had a rule about not dating long distance. I am not looking right now, so it isn't something I have to worry about. But, as Gemme indicated, with FaceTime and Skype, you can get a good sense of the person in their "day to day", unlike prior to these technologies. You can just carry the cell around on FaceTime as you go about your evening, or whatever. You are much more in each others' lives with FaceTime. That was always the issue/concern for me. That, and I wouldn't consider dating someone unless they had an interest in moving to my area.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

You darlin' are... BRILL! lol

I've never used FaceTime and/or Skype and more importantly... thus far... I've not felt a desire to learn. So, until such time as I feel otherwise... you may call me Benedick

"I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace." Signior Benedick

Please don't misunderstand ... you or anyone else... I'm not criticizing anyone else's love adventure!

No worries. I'm just saying that that cannot be used as an excuse in this day and age. You may not want to date like that and I totally understand as LD is frustrating but you do see the essence of the person through these mediums. It can sometimes make the longing for them worse but it gives you a dose of them; just enough to take the edge off and to come to learn their mannerisms and see all of those delicious non-verbal cues you were talking about. Seeing is, indeed, believing.

[girl_dee]

do you consider long distance dating, online dating?

[2qt]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

do you consider long distance dating, online dating?

I feel there is just too much stigma given to the words Online/Real life, local/LD.... Dating I think is just how one views it... Some consider it just online dating whilst others see it as something much deeper & much more personal to them...

Why can't we just name it.... Getting to know someone? The word dating seems to box it into this little square of perception that dating is only possible if it's done in real time or if they live within x amount of miles from me.... I don't feel that to be true... You often can't control who you fall for... Love is just love...

For me it was much more personal then just an online date thing... I was spending the same amount of my real time quality time getting to know my potential partner then as I would in my real life...

If you want something to work it's like anything... Effort needs to be made & you need to know what it is you're both reaching for & you're both on the same page otherwise it will never work...

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by 2qt

I feel there is just too much stigma given to the words Online/Real life, local/LD.... Dating I think is just how one views it... Some consider it just online dating whilst others see it as something much deeper & much more personal to them...

Why can't we just name it.... Getting to know someone? The word dating seems to box it into this little square of perception that dating is only possible if it's done in real time or if they live within x amount of miles from me.... I don't feel that to be true... You often can't control who you fall for... Love is just love...

For me it was much more personal then just an online date thing... I was spending the same amount of my real time quality time getting to know my potential partner then as I would in my real life...

If you want something to work it's like anything... Effort needs to be made & you need to know what it is you're both reaching for & you're both on the same page otherwise it will never work...

i have been thinking about this and i get it.

The OP mentioned people not getting the *dating * part... that people want a marriage before the courtship...i don't get that either.

IMO i cannot know someone until have been with them in person... the energy has to be right, so i could not date strictly online and definately could not plan a future with anyone i have not been with in person.

i think people are sometimes just in a lustmance and confuse with being in love.

[Lyte]

A few years ago... *cough* ... this gal and I came up with a feeling and a corresponding phrase that described how we felt for one another. It was quite a bit more than like ... but not quite love... we decided we were In Lust with one another. Yup... definitely ... In Lust!

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i think people are sometimes just in a lustmance and confuse with being in love.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Lyte

A few years ago... *cough* ... this gal and I came up with a feeling and a corresponding phrase that described how we felt for one another. It was quite a bit more than like ... but not quite love... we were In Lust with one another. Yup... definitely ... In Lust!

and there is NOTHING wrong with that! As long as you both know where you stand, or lay... who cares! Enjoy it!

[kittygrrl]

I don't see online dating as a substitute for actually being physically in someone's real time life. There is a point where that becomes necessary but getting to know someone in a forum isn't a big bad boogey man and as relevant as any other kind of meeting (to me). It's worked for me fine but if it doesn't work for you, that is also fine. This is a place to share ideas and experience but it stops where you want it to. I think this works for everybody-

[knight]

I think we probably all have different definitions of those terms, for me all online dating is long distance dating. If you cant get in your car and drive at to have a real time date with someone both terms would apply here.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

do you consider long distance dating, online dating?

[Martina]

For me, finding someone online is fine. But I want a local relationship. They are difficult enough. I did long distance twice, once with someone I had already lived with who had to move and once with someone I knew as a friend who moved. Our phone contact took a new turn, and we tried a LDR. I hated it. All the waiting along with the potential for more communication issues -- it just wasn't for me.

Hell, we're all busy, and relationships take so much time and energy. If you can't see and touch your person once a week at least, I don't see the point.

[firegal]

Originally Posted by Martina

For me, finding someone online is fine. But I want a local relationship. They are difficult enough. I did long distance twice, once with someone I had already lived with who had to move and once with someone I knew as a friend who moved. Our phone contact took a new turn, and we tried a LDR. I hated it. All the waiting along with the potential for more communication issues -- it just wasn't for me.

Hell, we're all busy, and relationships take so much time and energy. If you can't see and touch your person once a week at least, I don't see the point.

your comment and a few others made me think of Baskins and robbins.....31 flavors....lot of flavors.....some i dont like and others do.Like different looks in "on line-long distant dating".......and more than a few flavors i may like...even love lol.....but in the end its still dating.....errr...ice cream...

dating ......31 flavors.... lol


PS yes they both have vanilla!!!!! lol

[Kätzchen]

Heh, love the ice cream metaphor firegal! *lol*

I hear Bulldog and Martina and I resonate with similar sentiment in that ..... A) Like both Bulldog and Martina, I've been a member of this community for a very long time. Our history, things we've talked about in either personal or political ways, are really good ways to understand the way we think about most any subject up for discussion among members of the community. Whether it was online here at the Planet or at the years long community that seems no longer what it once was (Dash), people who've been regularly participating in forum discussions are able to see our own unique pattern of thinking, our preferences, whatever..... even if someone isn't a regularly participating member, there is always the proverbial trail of bread crumbs which are unique to ourselves or anyone who has posted on forum boards.

And... B) unless you're a trained professional therapist in the mental health field, I think it's really WISE to not dispense with personal assessment of behavioral issues. I would feel VERY uncomfortable if any therapist or mental health professional crossed that ethical and moral line of conduct. So...to share ideas you have about certain RED flags in behavioral issues is one thing, but it's a slippery slope to reference anyone in shady ways or use the un-named target when talking about serious things that can be deal breakers for many people.

C) I don't have any "dog in this fight" as far as whether knowing if dating locally or meeting someone here and it turns out well or not. I've made several posts about this very thing over the past few years, which anyone can look up on their own. What matters to me is whether another person and myself feel attraction for one another....and other privately held ideas between the two of us, which I don't feel is necessary to discuss openly on the forum boards. BUT...it is important that proximity of nearness be in place for anything to develop and it's also important to me that transparency between each other is of vital importance.

In my mind, these are the building blocks to a solid foundation. What happens next is not up for debate or discussion. Solid foundations are vital to building any relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic, in my mind.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by knight

I think we probably all have different definitions of those terms, for me all online dating is long distance dating. If you cant get in your car and drive at to have a real time date with someone both terms would apply here.

Thanks! i suppose it does go hand in hand...

[Lyte]

Oh, I still assert that online/distance dating is extremely problematic and not a good idea. I'm familiar with FaceTime and Skype though I've not used them. As much as they may seem to provide insight they come no where close to the insight/intimacy gained from the physical presence of the person.

Another ... major issue... not yet mentioned is logistics. Two people feel they've hit it off and are perfect for one another! So... who's going to give up they're current life/location and move? Give up their home, if they own, give up their job, if they were working on a career there and give up friends... and family... if they still live in their home town. <-- that's a hell of a lot for one person to give up on a hell of a lot less insight/intimacy that comes from being in the person's presence.

Originally Posted by Gemme

No worries. I'm just saying that that cannot be used as an excuse in this day and age. You may not want to date like that and I totally understand as LD is frustrating but you do see the essence of the person through these mediums. It can sometimes make the longing for them worse but it gives you a dose of them; just enough to take the edge off and to come to learn their mannerisms and see all of those delicious non-verbal cues you were talking about. Seeing is, indeed, believing.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Oh, I still assert that online/distance is extremely problematic and not a good idea. I'm familiar with FaceTime and Skype though I've not used them. As much as they may seem to provide insight they come no where close to the insight/intimacy gained from the physical presence of the person.

Another ... major issue... not yet mentioned is logistics. Two people feel they've hit it off and are perfect for one another! So... who's going to give up they're current life/location and move? Give up their home, if they own, give up their job, if they were working on a career there and give up friends... and family... if they still live in their home town. <-- that's a hell of a lot for one person to give up.

I agree. There are so many logistics involved. I am someone who has a lot of flexibility in being able to move, since I am a freelance writer, have no children, etc. But when I have moved for someone and it hasn't worked out, not only is there serious heartache but I can't even begin to tell you how wrung out it has made me feel and stretched to the utmost limits, not to mention having to either relocate or stay in an area that I moved to be with someone. It is severely emotionally damaging. And most people do not have the flexibility that I do. They do have jobs in a fixed location, children and family where they live and a host of other issues.

Also, I do agree that Skype and Facetime and other mediums that we have these days are tremendously helpful in getting to know someone, but that there is still no substitute for real world living - when the bills have to be paid, meals prepared, when the dog gets sick, the refrigerator breaks, your partner's kids are acting up, etc.

And yet I am in an LDR now.